


Butterfly Effect

by socksaregoodshit



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anus fingers, Book store worker!Hinata, Camping, Children's novelist!Bokuto, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Crime novelist!Tendou, Curator!Sugawara, Dog walker!Kyoutani, Don't trust him with glass. Ever., Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Porn, Family Reunion, Festival, Fighting, Fire, Firefighter!Hanamaki, Firefighter!Matsukawa, Firefighter!Ushijima, Florist!Kenma, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Illustrator!Oikawa, LGBT+ Comic!Kageyama, Lecturer!Kuroo, M/M, Megumi's a ho, Minor Angst, Minor Illness, Minor Violence, Novelist!Daichi, Past Abuse, Pharmacist!Yaku, Radio presenter!Ennoshita, Radio presenter!Nishinoya, Rated E for later chapters, Rin's a babe, Smut, Snow, Snowball Fight, Suga needs a personal sippy cup, Teacher!Akaashi, Translator!Iwaizumi, Vet!Asahi, Who knows what Lev does, animals with punny names, minor character injury, past abusive relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2020-01-15 12:01:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 120,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18498550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/socksaregoodshit/pseuds/socksaregoodshit
Summary: The Butterfly Effect, in a metaphorical sense, is the theory in which the single beat of a butterfly’s wings can influence the atmosphere enough to create a disturbance hundreds of miles away.So what could hundreds of butterflies, beating their wings simultaneously, do to Sawamura Daichi’s life?This is not a love story, he swears it isn’t.Sugawara Koushi definitely isn’t the wing beat to tip Daichi’s scales.Daichi swears he isn’t.





	1. Lonely Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I started this story in August last year after finding myself with a lot of time on my hands, there's 21 chapters and I sincerely hope you love them all and share the emotions I poured into writing them. 
> 
> I want to thank my best friend and editor [Mooifyourecows](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/mooifyourecows) for dealing with my bullshit, ye a babe <3
> 
> I still have to finish this year of university so the first three chapters will be uploaded every three weeks (to coincide with breaks in workload), after which they'll be uploaded every two weeks. 
> 
> So, let's begin with chapter one, Lonely Heart. 
> 
> The mood music for this chapter:  
> [The Story Never Ends by Lauv](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZTRANMcKXM)  
> [Sorry by Halsey](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ky6HfTioqY)  
> [The Woman by Bo Baskoro](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hJSOfj8xLM)

The early autumn morning was too warm for Daichi’s liking as he leaned heavily on the frame of the open sash window, watching the city beneath him begin to wake.

It was just before sunrise, the morning sky illuminated by a backwash of opalescent blues and soft pastel violet and rose, thin fractures of clouds painted silver in the early morning light. He inhaled the smell of crisp, smoky autumn air from outside and the scent of freshly brewed coffee from the mug in his hands.

He definitely liked autumn mornings best.

He brought the mug to his lips, blowing over the drink before taking a tentative sip of the near-scalding liquid, and closed his eyes as he listened to the waking traffic below.

He perched himself on the window ledge. His shoulder just caught the rim of the window and his legs hung limp against the wall, heels catching the cold metal of the radiator, the rest of his legs protected by grey sweats.

Daichi glanced at his stainless-steel wall clock, the minimalist design showing it was almost seven. Oikawa was due at half seven, he still had time alone with his thoughts and after realising this he closed his eyes again.

He felt the first caress of sunlight on his face within what he could guess were minutes. The skyscape, his apartment, and his body bathed in a glow of apricot and gold, basking in the gentle warmth rather than the unrelenting heat of the months prior.

 When he next opened his eyes, the silver clouds had been consumed by colours of crimson and coral, the sky painted a watercolour red as the sun peeked over the horizon and through the skyscrapers.

While the city could be tedious and testing, it also held an air of magic on mornings like this. The city below was still blue in its hue, no sunlight reaching the urban jungle just yet, meanwhile the sky above him was afire with the light of a new day, windows from nearby buildings picking up the glint of sunlight and leaving him no choice but to squint and shield his eyes.

Then his intercom buzzed into life and he knew his quiet reflection was over.

 _“Sawa-chan let me up,”_ came an unusually grumpy voice. _“And you better have the blackest coffee ready for me when I get up your stupid ass stairs.”_

Daichi sighed and went to press the buzzer that would give Oikawa access to the building before moving into the kitchen and adding more beans to the machine.

Oikawa wanted black?

He’d give him black.

Almost five minutes passed before the man in question knocked at his apartment door. Daichi moved to answer.

              “Mornin’,” Daichi greeted as the other man huffed and walked into the apartment with stacks of papers in his arms. “ _Morning Sawa-chan, how are you today?_ ” Daichi mimicked Oikawa’s voice, adding a nasal whine to the impression, and shut the door behind him. He followed him into the kitchenette, watching as he threw the papers onto the dining table before moving to the coffee machine. “What’s got your panties in a bunch?”

Oikawa didn’t respond straight away. Instead, he moved to the cupboard reserved just for snacks and pilfered an unopened packet of Oreos.

              “There’s an opened packet _right_ there,” Daichi deadpanned.

              “That isn’t enough to fix my mood, Sawa-chan.” Oikawa harrumphed, ripping open the packet, several of the biscuits falling to the floor in the process. “Cookies can suck my ass!” Oikawa cursed.

              “And now there’s about the same amount in both packets.” Daichi realised he’d fallen into his trap of trying to detract attention from the other, he looked at Oikawa with narrowed eyes. “Alright, you got me, but no more distracting, what’s got you in a mood?”

Oikawa pouted petulantly, but Daichi could see the quiver in his lip. He was desperate to tell him.

              “Iwa-chan.”

              “What about him?”

              “He’s going away again at the end of October.” Oikawa was still pouting as he shoved an Oreo into his mouth, speaking around the biscuit and gracelessly showering the floor in crumbs. “He’s only just gone away, he’s not even back yet; he won’t be back until the middle of October, and he’s already got another trip planned. He’s always away!”

              “He’s a translator for a global multimillion-dollar company that wants to expand into Asia, what do you expect?”

              “I know, but still!”

              “Why don’t you go with him sometime? You know all his family are in Japan, and if you’re gonna get serious with him one day you’ll have to meet his parents.”

              “I don’t know a lick of Japanese, Sawa-chan!”

Daichi hummed softly.

              “Instead you just never got out of that otaku phase and use _-chan_ and call things _kawaii_ unironically.”

He sat down on his fabric couch, the worn settee adorned by a woollen tasselled blanket of mismatch navy and orange, and listened to Oikawa as he poured himself his coffee, the delay and soft clink of a spoon against ceramics indicating that his coffee was no longer just black. It was probably now laced with enough sugar to line a dentist’s pockets with cash after just one appointment.

“I’m not an otaku.” Oikawa pouted as he padded across the room and plopped gracelessly beside Daichi. He swung his legs up and draped them over Daichi’s, digging his heel into his thigh as a warning to watch what he was saying.

The pair fell into companionable silence, but Daichi could see his mind working; Oikawa still had something to say. He knew it’d only be a matter of time before he told him.

“Besides… I hate meeting the parents.”

Daichi sighed softly, resting his hand on Oikawa’s knee and squeezing in a way he hoped would be reassuring. “You met my parents.”

              “That’s different, Sawa-chan!” Oikawa huffed, looking down at Daichi’s hand. “So much different… they’re family!”

Daichi smiled tenderly.

The comfortable silence returned and Daichi soon lost focus as he drowned himself in the city soundscape, his eyes slipping shut and his mind wandering.

              “Now we talk serious, Sawa-chan.” Oikawa grumbled, attracting Daichi’s full attention. He was looking over the rim of his mug of coffee, the ceramic barely touching his lips and steam obscuring his face as he stared Daichi down. “You’re lonely.”

Daichi choked on a mouthful of coffee, the liquid catching the back of his throat.

              “I’m not.”

He was.

But how was he just supposed to accept the departure of someone he’d loved for six years?

Someone he’d been _engaged to marry._

Someone whose presence was undeniable in his life; for better or for worse.

              “Sawa-chan,” Oikawa’s voice was a warning. “This isn’t healthy.”

              “Well what am I meant to do?” Daichi spat, pushing Oikawa’s legs from his own and standing. “Tell me what the fuck I’m meant to do, Oikawa. I’m torn apart by guilt every single day because even though she’s the one who left, I’m the one left feeling like it’s _my_ fault, why am I the one left feeling guilty? I’m sat here too scared to do my _job_ because if I do meet someone I’m terrified it’ll happen again. I’m sat here too afraid to go out and meet someone because I’m afraid the same thing will happen!”

Daichi hated how volatile his emotions had become, even after three months apart from his former fiancée. He held his feelings close so as to not betray how weak he felt, to not let people see his sudden vulnerability.

When the truth was that each night he lay in bed haunted by broken emotions and unhealthy thoughts.

He shouldn’t have been a writer.

He should’ve listened to his ex-partner.

He should’ve been considerate of her wishes.

He was selfish for doing what he wanted, he’d hurt her.

He didn’t have any time for her during deadlines. If he’d just taken a day off here and there to spoil her and make her feel important, then maybe they’d still be okay.

      “Sawa-chan…”

              “Just… drop it, okay?”

              “You need to open up so you can move on.”

              “You mean I need to open up so I can feel stupid? No way.”

              “Then you need to start writing again.”

              “Don’t wanna.”

Oikawa sighed, more out of sadness than annoyance. Daichi knew, he knew all too well how his recent behaviour would probably be affecting his friend.

              “Not everyone will be like her, you’ll find someone who loves your writing and loves you!”

              “No I won’t, I’m not looking for anyone else. I’m gonna buy a cat, or a parrot, that’ll do me just fine.” Daichi looked to the floor, deciding to relent just slightly to Oikawa’s requests. “I don’t see how anyone can love _this_.” He gestured to all of him.

He turned before he could see Oikawa’s reaction. Feeling all too trapped and claustrophobic in his spacious apartment, he headed back to the open window, wishing more than ever that he could fly; soar like a bird through the window, through the metal bars his wingless-self had placed himself in.

Being ten floors up only offered a pseudo sensation of flying, an open window only granting him a small amount of freedom.

Being so high up was lonely.

Being on the ground was crushing.

But at least up here he was able to be himself.

              “Sawa-chan, I brought the concept art.”

 _Finally_ , Daichi released the breath he’d been holding. He’d finally understood that Daichi didn’t want to talk about his feelings, he wanted to bury them beneath the earth where nobody would find them.

              “Yeah?” Daichi turned around, composing himself within a second. “Let’s see it then.”

The pair worked on their project throughout the day, Daichi finding the work a welcome distraction. Finally the day faded into late afternoon.

              “Right, Sawa-chan, go shower!”

Daichi looked at Oikawa.

              “What?”

              “Get your ass in the shower. We’re going out!”

              “And just where are we going?” Daichi asked in disbelief, crossing his arms over his chest in defiance.

              “We’re going out for a drink and to loosen up.” Oikawa left no room for argument. “Go!”

He kicked Daichi’s leg, shoving at the man who wordlessly stood and walked to the bathroom. His footsteps heavy and posture slumped.

Daichi made sure to take his time, trying to delay the inevitable. He wetted his hair and began massaging his shampoo into his scalp, rinsing and repeating the process before moving onto washing his body.

              “Sawa-chan! Hurry up!” Oikawa called from behind the door. “I got your clothes!”

Daichi sighed, shutting off the shower and climbing out.

              “I—”

The door was forced open.

              “Oh, you’re out!” Oikawa invaded the humid room, a rush of cold entering to replace the warmth escaping through the now open bathroom door. Daichi could feel the gooseflesh rising on his arms.

              “Can I get dressed in peace?”

              “No, you’re taking too long.” Oikawa reasoned, hanging the clothing over the cabinet door and throwing a towel at Daichi, sitting on the closed toilet seat lid. “I’m waiting right here, Sawa-chan.”

Daichi sighed and reluctantly began to dry off his body.

* * *

 

An hour later Daichi was staring at the entrance to one of the loudest, brightest, and most overwhelming clubs he’d ever born witness to.

              “Oikawa.”

              “Yeees, Sawa-chan?”

              “Why here?”

              “Why not?”

Daichi sighed, because really he couldn’t give a reason not to drink there, he was just in a bad mood and didn’t want to drink anywhere.

He wanted to go home.

              “I’m paying~”

Fuck it, he was going to get shit-faced.

              “Fine, but I hope you realise you’re gonna be broke by the end of the night.”

He heard Oikawa hum a laugh as they began walking towards the entrance of the club.

              “Honestly, Suga, you’re better off without the baggage!” Daichi heard someone say and looked at the gathering of people outside the club. He quickly singled out the loud voice, homing in on a man with a wildly dishevelled head of hair and a devilish smirk, a wily gaze boring into a smaller male.

The latter also caught Daichi’s eye. He was dressed to the nines in figure hugging, fitted navy slacks and an equally well-fitting button-down dress shirt. Daichi struggled to distinguish the colour, but he could see the shine of expensive-looking satin and the teasing slip of skin disappearing under the shirt only buttoned to his sternum. Black leather shoes with not a scuff or scratch to be seen, polished impeccably to shine even in the dim evening light decorated his feet. And his hair was parted down the centre, styled to seemingly have a mind of its own, silver wisps like a nest atop of his head whilst also appearing voluminous and well-groomed.

The silver haired man threw his head back in laughter, the sound catching Daichi by surprise. Daichi then noticed the way his hair _sparkled_. He had glitter in his hair.

In fact, there was glitter everywhere.

His clothing like the crisp abyss of night time, glitter like thousands upon thousands of stars, hair that shone not unlike the full moon.

Just like the one back home.

Oh, and the cigarette perched between his lips. The way his lips pressed tight around the stick definitely wasn’t unappealing, even if the habit was.

What the fuck.

              “Sawa-chaan~ Give the nice doorman your hand.”

              “Huh?” Daichi looked away from the man and to Oikawa and the doorman. “Oh, sorry.” He offered his hand and it was stamped. He looked to the silver haired man again as they entered the building, but all he could catch was how his fingers deftly flicked the cigarette into a puddle at the curb side, briefly hearing _let’s go back inside_ spoken through a smoky breath.

Then his senses were bombarded by the smell of alcohol, the deafening sound of music, and the sudden feeling of drowning.

He was in way over his head.

He followed Oikawa and they parted the crowd, going to the bar and taking up residence there. He watched the confident cock to Oikawa’s hip as he leaned more on his left leg, elbow resting on the glass-top bar as mood lighting from the surface bathed the column of his throat in a cerise pink. He ordered drinks, conversation with the bartender flowing smoothly and seamlessly as he wove his magic words.

It was something that had always intrigued Daichi. As a writer he was expected to be good with words, however, he’d fumble, stumble, and choke whenever those words became verbal. But Oikawa was the opposite. He could charm a room within minutes, quell arguments with his silky tones and commanding demeanour, yet couldn’t string together a coherent text half the time.

Daichi eyed the concoction that was passed over the now purple, fading to blue, bar. The colour added something enchanting to the drink, but in the end it didn’t matter; it was all going to go down the same way.

He downed the mystery drink, feeling the burn as it went down, vaguely tasting something nauseatingly sweet and he coughed into the back of his hand.

              “What was that?”

              “Did you like it?” Oikawa asked, eyes narrow and lips turned upwards as he nursed his cocktail. Daichi already knew his slow pace would quickly give way to drinking as much as he could in a short period of time.

              “It was alright,” Daichi responded, unsure about the taste but already able to feel the effects on his body. “What—”

              “Bartender he’d like three more!”

              “Oikawa wait—” He hadn’t eaten all day.

              “Sawa-chan, stop right there and get a little less sober for me, hm?” Oikawa said, turning to him. “You’re a fun drunk and I want to turn that sober frown upside down!” He reached for his own cheeks and ticked the corners of his lips upward and grinned, toothy and wide.

For once Daichi didn’t want to argue with him.

So he readily accepted the next three drinks, quickly feeling his sobriety fading, his body loosening up. Suddenly enjoying himself didn’t seem like such a far off, alien idea.

He finally identified the flavour in question, he thought.

Next morning regret and Parma Violets.

Across the room Daichi watched the dance floor, wondering if he was drunk enough to get up and dance.

The fact that it was still a question in his mind meant he clearly wasn’t.

There was a flash of silver.

His eyes drew to the person in question.

It was the same man from outside, dancing with a group of people though it was clear who was the centre of attention.

And he dropped to the floor like Daichi had never seen a man do before, especially a man in slacks, rolling himself into a standing position as if he hadn’t just been level with the floor. His dance moves were all hips and Daichi felt himself staring unabashedly.

Okay, now he was drunk.

He went to sip from his vodka and coke, his lips repeatedly missing the straw, eyes not leaving the dancer on the floor as he attracted more of a crowd with his ceaseless hypnotic movements.

The dancefloor’s neon lights cast spellbinding hues across his pale skin, ashen hair, and glitter-covered body, and Daichi really didn’t care if he was staring anymore.

Daichi could hear that laugh again, over the music, over the chatter, and the man dipped low once more, rolling his body in a way that Daichi found himself getting lost in. Spins, dips, hands skating over his own body as he shimmied his hips.

Despite his movements nobody drew too close, none of the usual body-on-body contact or sexual chasing taking place on the dancefloor.

Seemed like nobody wanted to interrupt the vixen in his dance.

              “Sawa-chaaan~”

Daichi finally looked away, turning to Oikawa.

              “Yeah?”

              “I think you should buy him a drink.”

              “What?” Daichi shot Oikawa a _look_ , like a deer in headlights. “No! I—I mean why would I do that?”

              “You’ve been drooling over him and missing your straw for the last five minutes.”

              “It’s _not_ been five minutes.”

Oikawa looked at his watch, Daichi barely hearing the whistle that escaped his lips.

              “You’re right, it’s been eight.”

              “What? No way.”

              “Yes way, now c’mon,” Oikawa ushered. “Buy him a drink.”

              “No way, I’m not gay.”

              “You’ve been checking his ass out for the last eight minutes. You’re at least a little bit gay,” Oikawa bit back and offered the bartender more money in exchange for a drink. “There.” He said with a coy smile, sliding it along to Daichi.

Daichi eyed the cocktail, then the man still on the dancefloor as he held one in his hands that was almost identical. He threw back the rest of his drink, and Oikawa’s for good measure, instantly regretting the mix of vodka, coke, and a pornstar martini.

              “Hey—”

              “Okay.”

Oikawa’s eyes lit up.

              “Bartender, another!”

Daichi took the drink in his hand, moving over to the neon floor and battling the throng of people around him. Oikawa followed on his heels as he sucked the straw of his new drink. They drew nearer to the pewter haired dancer and Daichi felt his nerves rise until he was half tempted to down the drink in his hands himself.

Finally only a few feet separated the pair. Daichi reached out as those few feet became a few inches and—

Someone knocked his arm.

He watched in horror as the cocktail spilt over the man in question, down his shoulder and onto the flashing floor.

              “I’m—”

Brown eyes met his own, mocha in colour but half hidden by the shadow of furrowed brows. Daichi didn’t have time to react as the man sneered down at the empty glass in his hand, nor as he reached for it and snatched it free.

He definitely didn’t have time to react to the glass shattering over his head either.

The song playing over the surround sound summarised the ordeal perfectly.

_We didn’t get dressed up just for you to see, so quit spilling your drinks on me._

Ahh fuck.

His head hurt.


	2. Butterfly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next morning Daichi woke up with a seriously nauseating sickness, and an even more seriously nauseating headache. He groaned as he brought his hands up to rub down his face, wincing as his fingers grazed his forehead.  
> “Shit…” He groaned, allowing the sick feeling to fade before even attempting to move.  
> He opened his eyes, blinking blearily. He bought his hand to his face and scratched at his cheek, letting his hand fall to his right only to feel something – someone – beside him. Upon realising that he wasn’t the only person in his bed his heart slammed into his ribcage, stomach lurching, and he shot into a sitting position.  
> What?  
> Once his nausea abated, he turned his head to the left, eyes landing on a nest of brown hair.  
> What?  
> “Sawa-chaan… my head hurts…” The nest spoke.  
> Oh, it was just Oikawa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music for this chapter:  
> [House of Cards by BTS](https://youtu.be/dwYxlcszZAI)  
> [Butterfly by BTS](https://youtu.be/TfKYWOUlq1o)  
> [Stop the Rain by Day6](https://youtu.be/ia1sIkJPJrQ)

The next morning Daichi woke up with a seriously nauseating sickness, and an even more seriously nauseating headache. He groaned as he brought his hands up to rub down his face, wincing as his fingers grazed his forehead.

              “Shit…” He groaned, allowing the sick feeling to fade before even attempting to move.

He opened his eyes, blinking blearily. He bought his hand to his face and scratched at his cheek, letting his hand fall to his right only to feel something – someone – beside him. Upon realising that he wasn’t the only person in his bed his heart slammed into his ribcage, stomach lurching, and he shot into a sitting position.

What?

Once his nausea abated, he turned his head to the left, eyes landing on a nest of brown hair.

_What?_

              “Sawa-chaan… my head hurts…” The nest spoke.

Oh, it was just Oikawa.

              “Don’t talk to me about sore heads,” Daichi grumbled, lying back down and wincing again at the pain that lanced through his skull. “I feel concussed.”

A snort.

Daichi narrowed his eyes.

              “What’s funny about that?” Daichi asked, burying himself into his bedsheets, bringing them up around his throat and nestling them under his chin.

              “You probably _are_ concussed.”

              “What?”

Oikawa hummed, sitting up lazily. “Need a piss.”

Daichi watched him scramble from the bed and stagger towards the ensuite bathroom.

              “You better tell me what the fuck you mean as soon as you get back.”

Oikawa made an okay sign with his hand, disappearing into the bathroom on shuffling feet.

Daichi closed his eyes, trying to piece together the night before.

He recounted their walk to the club, the dazzling silver hair of a man outside, the regret of drinking so much alcohol on an empty stomach, the regret of drinking even _more_ alcohol on an empty stomach… and then… a dancer? Was it a dancer? Or a DJ?

Oikawa trudged back into the room and flopped gracelessly onto the bed, looking at Daichi with tired, hazy eyes.

              “Do you remember the pretty man on the dancefloor?” he asked as he rolled onto his stomach and propped his head up on the down-stuffed pillow he hugged under his chin.

Daichi thought back. He supposed the dancer in his foggy memories could’ve been the pretty man Oikawa was talking about.

              “I… think so?”

Another hum. “He glassed you. He glassed you good.”

              “ _What?_ ”

              “You spilled the drink on him, and dude, I ain’t even messin’, he grabbed the glass from your hand and threw it at your head.” Oikawa sighed, nuzzling into the pillow. “Man, he was fuckin’ _fast_ , like, _bam!_ ”

Daichi reached up to his aching forehead, feeling a raised lump and the sting of a fresh bruise. His fingers then brushed over a raised area more painful than the rest. Panic rose when he realized what it was.

A line of stitching.

              _“What the fuck?”_

              “Yeah, but, right, get this. It got so fucking weird, yeah?” Oikawa began, recounting the story to Daichi’s quickly awakening mind. “You both musta been fucking _gone_ , ‘cause the next minute you’re making out but there’s blood _everywhere._ ”

              “I—I _made out_ with him?” Daichi’s mouth was agape, unable to believe what he was hearing.

He’d never acted so impulsively.

Well… except for one time, back in his final year of university.

              “Yeah, and then when the ambulance came he gave you his number before disappearing with some guy with absolutely awful hair!”

              “What the fuck… wait,” Daichi looked at Oikawa, “ambulance?”

              “You were bleeding from the head so we took you to the hospital. They stitched you up and then we came home.”

Daichi let the new information sink in. If he wasn’t already sobered up before he definitely was now.

              “So I just… got someone’s number?” He filled with panic, his gut turning violently at the thought. After just three months? Wasn’t that too soon?

He wasn’t sure he even wanted to date again.

His breath turned shallow and fast.

              “Sawa-chan, breathe.”

              “What the fuck was I thinking? _Why_ did you let me do that?”

He felt sick.

              “Sawa-chan.” Palms wrapped around his shoulders, pulling his attention from his spiralling thoughts. “Breathe.”

Daichi took a deep breath. “It—It’s too soon.”

              “Are you saying that because it’s what you feel or what you think you should feel?”

              “I—I don’t _know_.” Daichi’s voice cracked. “Oikawa, what do I do?”

Oikawa’s expression softened.

              “I can’t make that decision, but just know I’ll be here no matter what you pick.”

              “I don’t know…”

              “Well…forget it’s only been three months, okay?”

Daichi nodded, albeit reluctantly.

“Do you want to find someone new?”

              “I… wouldn’t be against it, but I don’t know if I’m ready.”

              “When would you be ready?”

              “I don’t know—”

              “Would it be when someone came along and you decided to pursue them? Or would it be when you accept a pursuer’s advances?” Oikawa asked, meeting Daichi’s eyes. “Because you were able to get someone’s number yesterday, they’re at least willing to give you the time of day—”

              “Oikawa. Stop. You don’t understand.” Daichi battled to kick the covers from around his legs, struggling to his feet despite the returning nausea.

              “I would if you opened up to me,” Oikawa retaliated, a spittle of venom lacing his words.

              “We’ve been through this—” Daichi grabbed the door knob, having to twist twice before the door swung open.

              “Yeah, we have,” Oikawa agreed, following him with the pillow still in his arms. “We have been through this and you still don’t get that I wanna _help_ you!”

              “I don’t need help!”

              “Sawa-chan!”

Daichi couldn’t get away quick enough, ignoring Oikawa’s calls as he straightened his clothes from the night prior. He slipped into his leather shoes by the door and bolted out into the apartment hallway. He didn’t stop when the light hurt his eyes and he became disorientated, nor did he stop when he took the stairs two at a time and nearly fell on his ass.

Eventually Oikawa’s voice faded away and by the eighth floor he resorted to escaping in the lift.

Everything hurt.

His head ached from both too much alcohol and the head injury and his body hurt in all the wrong ways. It felt like his heart was tearing at the seams, like he couldn’t hide that he was falling apart anymore, and he couldn’t seem to get a grasp on his bearings. Was he still drunk?

He probably looked like it to the Sunday morning commuters, stumbling down the street between them, bedraggled and disoriented, and in last night’s wrinkled clothes. He either looked drunk or like he was doing the walk of shame.

He didn’t even really know where he was headed, nor did he really care.

He just needed to escape.

Desperately needed to run.

Soon Daichi stopped, slowing down and leaning on the sandstone building to his right. He took sharp breaths, like breathing harder and faster would magically breathe life into his listless body. Instead it made him feel queasy and light-headed.

He looked up at the sky, squinting as the sunlight peeked between intermittent clouds. His eyes stung from the glaring brightness and he looked away. He instead watched how the ground just a few feet away changed from dark slate grey to a lighter, sun washed pearl, the shadow of the building against which he leaned blocking the sun’s warmth.

Finally he looked to the sandstone structure towering above him, the pillars reminiscent of Greek architecture. A staircase nearby led up to old oak doors that were propped open for the public.

Daichi walked towards the steps, and climbed them, slow and staggering as an invisible weight pressed down on his shoulders. He trudged his tired feet past the threshold, his restless body battling through the nausea as the lighting changed to dark in the initial entrance and then back to bright as he came under the dome skylight in the atrium, only the shadow of a pterodactyl skeleton above to shelter him from the intensity of the light.

He breathed a sigh of relief that the museum was mostly empty this early on a Sunday morning. He looked at the stairs and then to the lifts to his right, before deciding to take the stairs up to the quiet third floor.

He wasn’t sure why he’d decided on the third floor. Maybe it was the fact that the bug house had always been his favourite place, or maybe it was just his confusion, the fact that he was supposed to be starting his third book.

Three.

The number was stuck in his mind.

So, third floor it was. It felt like he slowly grew lighter as he climbed the stairs, the noise of the café on the ground floor ebbing out as he reached the third landing. Daichi looked over the edge of the staircase railings, watching the few people below before looking up to see deep grey clouds passing over the skylight above, the atrium becoming bathed in cool blue.

He moved on to the bug house, pulled on one of the double doors, and went inside. He did a sweep of the room from right to left, the small exhibits not having changed since he’d last visited three months ago.

The night she left him.

Daichi walked to the right, looking at the glass case and the insects wriggling about inside them. The sunlight passed the windows again, bathing the room in its soft glow and attracting Daichi’s attention behind him, to the glint of glass.

In the centre of the room was a large glass structure. Daichi breathed out in awe, suppressing a whistle, as he moved towards it. He approached the glass, looking to the floor behind it and seeing copious amounts of wild flowers, well established and thriving. A myriad of colours that created a poetic scene over which the writer within him leaped in joy.

He gazed skyward, catching a glimpse of the skylight above the tube-like enclosure, natural sunlight flooding the exhibit. He walked around it, ending up sandwiched between the enclosure and the exterior wall of the museum, the room he’d previously been in fully visible from his position. He couldn’t help marvelling at the figure of eight structure, only then realising it was empty.

              “I wonder what this is gonna be…”

No sooner had Daichi muttered those words did something to his immediate right catch his eye.

A door?

Sure enough a small opening was on the inside of the structure. A staff entrance?

A figure entered the cylinders carrying a large wooden box in his arms, silver hair shining under the skylight like the moon borrowed the glow from the sun. He placed the box on the floor of the exhibit, Daichi only briefly catching a glimpse of his face as he wiped his brow on the shoulder of his shirt, before disappearing again and returning with a second box, and then a third.

Finally he closed the small wooden door, Daichi watching with rapturous curiosity as he moved back to the boxes and broke the sealed latch on the first. He lifted the lid and was immediately consumed in an array of colour like shards of stained glass.

Beating wings caught the sunlight, reflecting brilliant blues and vibrant purples, and buried the silver haired man in a swirling mist of colours. The second box opened and had the same effect, delicately small butterflies encircling the man and spreading outwards like a colour explosion, fluttering up into the air and also down onto the carpet of florals.

A kaleidoscopic pattern of beating wings spanning every colour of the visible light spectrum and more. Daichi watched, enamoured with the display of colours, even marvelling at the white butterflies with their single black spots and how they fitted into the frenzied array of insects with fluttering wings.

The keeper concluded with the third box, positioned directly in front of Daichi. An explosion of reds and oranges burst from the wooden crate as the one butterfly Daichi knew from memory filled the air. Monarch butterflies with wings of fire spread up and out like a plume of smoke and burning embers, and when they’d cleared enough for Daichi to see the other man, he was met by stunning copper eyes.

Daichi almost forgot how to breathe.

Bronze and copper accents to mocha brown… why did those eyes look so familiar?

Silver hair like the moon and stray butterflies on his clothes like glittering stars.

Glitter in his hair.

 _Still_ in his hair from the night before.

Ahh, how could he forget those dazzling eyes? Even if this time they were illuminated by sunlight and held no shadows like in the club, they were breathtaking and unforgettable.  He was sure he’d seen them somewhere before, somewhere distant in his memories, something to be scratched at until he could place where he’d seen them.

And how had he missed that mole? It cast a shadow of doubt on his earlier thought... how could he possibly forget the beauty mark under such lively eyes? How could he remember the eyes and not _that?_

The man in front of him gaped at Daichi’s presence, only closing his mouth when a butterfly flew too close and tickled his lips with its wings.

How could Daichi forget that face when he’d undoubtedly held it in his hands the night before, grazing thumbs over high cheekbones and oh-so soft skin.

A hand pressed on the glass in front of him, eyes squinting slightly as the man, almost like a reflection of himself in the glass, shared his look of confusion and then awe. Breaking into a breath-stealing smile.

Daichi could feel the other’s eyes on his forehead, undoubtedly at the stitches that were the result of his attack the night before. Then he could feel those same eyes on his cheeks that were undoubtedly stained red. And then his lips that, if Oikawa was telling the truth, would still look well-kissed and more than a little bitten. Also a result of the man he was now only separated from by a glass wall.

A finger.

Daichi looked at the man’s hand as he held up his finger, gesturing him to wait.

The man pursed his lips, obviously biting the inside of his cheek, and then turned towards the door from which he’d first appeared. Daichi was left alone for a moment, feeling breathless and confused. Only when the wooden partition wall opened like a door did he see the man again, this time with no walls between them.

He moved closer to Daichi, his stride confident and almost on his tiptoes, completely silent.

Daichi’s heart seized and his body froze up as the gap between them became next to nothing, their eyes meeting and the ashen haired man’s mouth opening.

              “I—I’m sorry about glassing you.”

Somehow that hadn’t been what Daichi was expecting. His mind took too long to form a response.

              “I—It’s okay… uh… it was an easy fix?” Daichi said, sounding unsure as he pointed to the stitching and wincing as his finger caught the wound.

              “I feel awful,” the man said, burying his face in his hands in shame. “And then to think I also made out with you—ah! I mean, I don’t regret that bit…” He looked down, hands still on his face as he peeked at the floor through his fingers. “Sorry, that was so dumb.” He laughed. “I mean, I will apologise for kissing you because that was, um, bad, but we were both drunk, but it was still… bad. Consent is sexy and all that.” The man scratched at his face, just under the mole.

Daichi looked at him, unable to fight the swell of affection he felt in his chest as the man stumbled around his own words. Apologising for a drunken kiss? That was definitely new to him.

“I—It’s okay, um,” Daichi looked into those soft eyes surrounded by soft hair and he felt himself at a loss for words. “I’m Sawamura Daichi.” He extended his hand towards him. “Although a handshake after we’ve already made out seems a little awkward.”

The man laughed and _fuck_ Daichi wanted to always make him laugh. He accepted the handshake before narrowing his eyes and meeting Daichi’s gaze head on, expression light and teasing, eyes mischievous.

 “I’m Sugawara Koushi, curator of the bug house,” he said, lips breaking into a wide smile. “And if you wanna, I dunno… carry on where we left off yesterday then you won’t have any complaints from me.”

There was no mask to Sugawara’s words, they were just as teasing and jovial as they came across, and the look in Sugawara’s eyes definitely wasn’t malicious. In fact it was brutally honest, like his heart was on his sleeve for the whole world to see.

But even then, Daichi was filled with self-loathing with how he flinched at Sugawara’s words. He also hated how Sugawara noticed his reaction.

              “Sorry, uh, how about an apology coffee instead? F—For the head thing.”

Daichi stared at him.

Was he serious?

He had to tell him – make sure he knew Daichi wasn’t looking for anything that Sugawara might be looking for.

But, then again, he hadn’t had his morning coffee…

That’s all it was.

Coffee.

              “Sure, I—I’ll pay though.”

That should abate some of his guilt.

              “NO!” Sugawara yelled before covering his mouth with both hands. “I—I mean, no, I wanna pay. It’s not much of an apology if you pay.”

Sound logic.

              “Okay, but, next time it’s on me.”

_Next time?_

Next time was just to make it even.

Nothing more.

He swore: nothing more.

              “Sure! Next time sounds good.” Sugawara grinned. “C’mon! The café does _amazing_ lattes, I swear I’ve had, like, five already today – perfect hangover cure!”

              “Will it also cure a concussion?”

Sugawara stopped, mouth open before the corners stretched into a wide smile.

              “Oh my God,” he snorted, the sound leaving Daichi feeling butterflies in his chest. “I really hope so! And, again, I am _so_ sorry for that.”

              “It’s okay.” Daichi smiled. “How about that latte? I haven’t had my morning coffee yet.”

“How are you even alive?” Sugawara smiled, heading towards the door and out onto the landing as another ray of sunlight illuminated the room. It followed them through the double doors, where, intercepted by brick walls, it flooded through the atrium skylight into the large foyer of the museum, into the stairwells and warming the back of Daichi’s neck.

He watched the messy nest of silver hair in front of him, only then taking in Sugawara’s attire and wondering if there was a store especially designed for fitting the stereotype of someone working in a museum. Light tan trousers and a dark navy shirt, black leather shoes (the same as last night’s?), a light grey jumper and tweed beige jacket. All in all he fit the stereotype perfectly and Daichi couldn’t help but find it endearing.

They reached the bottom of the staircase and crossed the stone floor of the atrium, Sugawara’s shoes clacking on the surface. As they headed inside the café, Daichi looked around.

He hadn’t been in there since _that_ day.

The interior hadn’t changed a bit and he couldn’t help but remember sitting at a table for two, waiting.

And waiting.

Not wanting to leave the table in case she came while he was gone.

Holding a bouquet of expensive red roses, blush-tipped spray carnations, and gypsophila grass.

Waiting until the flowers were dried and wilting, his pride battered and broken.

              “How about here, Daichi?”

Daichi looked to the booth on the far side of the restaurant, far away from the table in his memory.

              “Sure, looks good.”

              “Great! Take a seat, I’ll go up and get something for us!” Sugawara turned on his heels and stepped towards the counter before stopping abruptly and turning back to Daichi. “A—Anything in particular? Any allergies?”

Daichi couldn’t stop his smile. “No allergies, and surprise me.”

              “Right!” Sugawara bounced over to the counter once more, engaging in conversation with the woman behind it.

Daichi watched his arms and how they moved broadly, his elbows flying everywhere they weren’t supposed to. Exaggerated gestures as he pointed to the menu above the woman’s head and his laugh instantly making Daichi _feel_ things he hadn’t felt in a long time.

He was cute.

Okay, scratch what he’d said the night before.

Maybe he was a little gay.

Sugawara laughed, punching in his pin for his card before removing it after the transaction was approved and picking up a tray with two coffees and some things Daichi couldn’t quite see from where he was. Cakes? Sugawara moved through the tables, calling a goodbye to the woman over his shoulder with a wide, carefree smile.

And then he was in front of Daichi, placing the tray softly on the table while Daichi looked at the two coffees and chocolate muffins.

              “I—I’m not sure what you like, and you said to surprise you, so I just got these. I hope you like muffins…” He sat down opposite Daichi, fiddling with his wristwatch strap.

Honestly, Daichi wasn’t fond of muffins, they always felt too heavy in his mouth, dry and cloying on his tongue. But he watched the man opposite him sip from his coffee and decided to give the dessert a second chance.

              “Thank you, this is great,” he said, reaching for his latte and taking a sip. “Caramel?”

Sugawara hummed, peering over the rim of his coffee cup. “Is that okay?”

              “Of course,” Daichi replied, drinking some more. “I should order caramel more often, Oikawa usually gets vanilla so to make it easier so do I.”

Sugawara’s eyebrow lifted in question. “Oikawa?” His top lip rested on the rim of his cup.

              “Oh, he’s a friend.” Daichi returned his cup to the saucer with a soft clink, picking the paper from around the muffin’s base and taking a bite from the top, pleasantly surprised to find a moist centre filling of coffee-flavoured cream. “He’s probably looking for me right now, actually.” He wiped away stray cream from his top lip.

              “Was he the tall one from the club?”

              “Yeah, that’s him.”

              “Huh,” Sugawara hummed contemplatively. “He struck me as one with a sweet tooth.”

              “He’s the devil with sugar,” Daichi confirmed. “But he has a weird thing with coffee where it’s either black with loads of sugar or milky with subtle flavours.”

              “Strange.” Sugawara laughed. “But I can’t say I blame him.”

Daichi hummed, smiling as he took another bite of his muffin while watching Sugawara do the same.

              “Who was the guy with you last night?” Daichi asked, leaning back in his seat.

              “Hm?” Sugawara looked up at him, cheeks rosy and stray chocolate cake crumbs clinging to his top lip. He spoke around his food, his cheeks puffing out like a squirrel’s. “That was Tetsurou.” He swallowed. “He’s in the space and time exhibit on the top floor.”

“ _In_ it?”

Sugawara snorted, his head ducking down and hitting the table. “He’s the lecturer up there. In the theatre. Works with all the little kids when they come here on trips.”

              “Is his hair like that when he’s with the kids?”

              “His hair is never not like that. I’ve known him for nine years and it’s never a hair out of place out of its out of place place.”

              “Aren’t they ever intimidated?” Daichi couldn’t fight the smile on his lips at Sugawara’s word play, hiding it instead behind his cup.

              “Nope, they love it.” Sugawara’s eyes narrowed playfully, peering over his cup as well. “Why? Are _you_ intimidated?”

Daichi snickered. “Of course not. He looks like a total pussy cat.”

              “Funny, that’s what his partner calls him.”

Daichi nearly choked on his drink as he fought down laughter.

Talking to Sugawara was so _easy._

The pair continued to converse, Daichi finding himself halfway through the muffin.

              “So… I’m curious. You’re the curator of the butterfly house?” Daichi questioned, putting his cup back down and resting his chin on his hand. “Did you only start here recently? I’ve never seen you before.”

Sugawara put his cup down, stretching his arms in front of him and leaning back on his seat, resting his head on the headrest and looking up.

              “I’ve been here for three years – I was the previous curator’s… assistant, mostly working in the back rooms.” There was slight hesitation in Sugawara’s words, almost like he was picking them carefully. “He’s the reason I got into studying bugs, and the reason I fell in love.” His hands landed on the table, palms down.

              “Love?” Daichi was surprised by his own sudden jealousy.

              “The butterflies.” Sugawara smiled. “I fell in love with the butterflies. With the job. I’m the curator of the whole third floor now.” He shrugged. “He retired three months ago.” Daichi felt his heart and stomach lurch _._ “And thought a young hot-blooded man was the perfect replacement.” Sugawara laughed, but it sounded… different to before. Daichi didn’t like it.

              “So does that mean he hasn’t seen the butterfly house yet?”

Sugawara hummed in thought. “Nah. I don’t think he ever will.” Pursing his lips, he went back to his coffee.

              “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

              “It’s fine.” He shrugged, breaking into a wide grin. “He’s the one missing out, not me.”

Daichi couldn’t help his smile either as he finished his own coffee. “That’s a good attitude to have.”

              “What about you?” Sugawara asked, tucking a stray lock of hair behind his ear and meeting Daichi’s gaze. “What do you do?”

In hindsight, Daichi should’ve seen it coming. Asking about jobs would always bring reciprocation, but he still didn’t have an excuse to tell Sugawara.

              “I—I do the odd job here and there.” He thought back to his part time job in his later teenage years and early adulthood. “Mostly helping out with gardening at the local allotments and growing gardens.”

              “Oh wow! That sounds amazing! I bet you get to see lots of butterflies in a job like that.”

“Yeah, I—”

Daichi felt heat rise to his cheeks as he felt Sugawara’s foot bump into his, struck by sudden sincere amazement, even something so small sending his heart racing. He felt like a teenager again, it was so silly, for all he knew it could’ve been an accident— Nope, there it was again, definitely not an accident.

Sugawara was playing footsie.

And it took every ounce of Daichi’s strength not to return the gesture. He had to tell him sooner rather than later.

He wasn’t looking for a relationship.

              “Hey, Sugawara,” Daichi began, looking into his eyes. “I… have a friend.” Daichi paused to try and think his next words through.

              “That’s good, friends are a good thing to have,” Sugawara responded, clearly perplexed by the statement. “What about this friend? Are they okay?”

              “I… I don’t know. No? I mean, they’ve gone through a really rough break-up, right? And they’re closed off, they’re not talking about it but I know they’re not okay. They keep rambling that they’re never gonna love again, they don’t want to get hurt… he’s scared.”

              “Okay…” Sugawara mumbled.

              “He’s met someone who makes him happy, makes him feel things he hasn’t felt in a long time, new things he’s never felt before, but he won’t pursue it.”

              “I see…” Sugawara hummed, finishing off his muffin. “Well… why is he afraid?”

He eyed his half-finished muffin, feeling queasy at the sight. “You want this?” He asked Sugawara, the latter accepting with a nod and reaching across the table to retrieve it.

Daichi paused, hesitating before saying his next piece. “She was abusive.”

              “Oh…”

              “They were engaged. Until she left.”

Why was he saying this?

The more he spoke about it the worse he felt.

The more _wronged_ he felt.

The more wrong he felt for allowing it to happen.

He was a man, dammit.

 _Men_ didn’t allow a woman to abuse them.

              “Well… I think he needs to cut himself some slack,” Sugawara said. “Like, I’m assuming if they were engaged that they must’ve been together a _long_ time. He needs to rediscover himself, I think.” Sugawara pouted in thought, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned back and looked at the ceiling light above their booth. “It’s hard separating from someone because you inevitably change with them, but factor in abuse and you got a whole new can of worms, y’know?”

Daichi listened intently, watching as Sugawara leaned forward again and polished off the final chunk of his muffin, licking some of the coffee cream from his thumb.

              “I mean, your friend should discover himself and do what makes him happy, consequences be damned.” Sugawara shrugged, “I’m coining a term right here, right now.” That lock of hair from earlier fell against his cheek from where it was tucked behind his ear. “Your friend needs to be tastefully selfish.” He tucked the same piece of hair behind his ear again.

_Tastefully selfish?_

              “I—”

              “Sawa-chan!”

Daichi flinched as he turned to the voice behind him, spotting Oikawa as he stomped into the café.

              “Oikawa, I—”

Oikawa crossed the floor towards Daichi and Sugawara’s table. “I knew you’d be here! Old habits die hard, it seems!”

              “Oikawa, just, _stop_ shouting.” Daichi raised his hands in surrender, trying to calm the other man. “ _Please_.”

              “You worried the shit outta me, stupid!” Oikawa reached the table, looking down at Daichi with a glare. “Why did you run off like that, huh?”

Daichi watched as Oikawa finally seemed to realise he wasn’t alone at the table, rapidly composing himself in front of Sugawara’s gentle gaze, analysing their interaction with careful scrutiny.

              “Oh! Glasser!” Oikawa grinned. “Thanks for giving Sawa-chan his first physical contact in three months, he was getting mopey.”

              “Uh,” Sugawara mumbled. “You’re welcome?”

              “Oikawa…” Daichi ground out, turning to Sugawara before excusing himself. “I’m sorry Sugawara, I’m going to have to cut our apology coffee short.”

Daichi could feel Oikawa staring him down.

              “Ahh, that’s okay!” Sugawara reassured with a cheery smile, moving to stand. “I better go back to the exhibit anyways, I’m glad I was able to meet you again in a less… drunken state.”

              “Yeah,” Daichi agreed, smiling softly. “Me too. Thanks again for the coffee, next time I’ll pay.”

              “Sounds like a plan, send me a date and time?”

              “Sure, I’ll check my schedule.” Daichi said with a smile.

              “Nice! I’ll see you soon.”

              “Yeah, see you, Sugawara.”

              “Suga, just call me Suga, ‘kay?”

              “Okay.” Daichi nodded, finally taking his leave. “See you soon.”

They waved one another off, Daichi leaving the museum beside Oikawa.

              “So, a second date, huh?”

              “It wasn’t a date.”

              “You had _coffee_ with him!”

              “He insisted as an apology!”

              “And a _second_ coffee date?”

              “To pay him back,” Daichi said, his voice harsh and firm, but even he couldn’t deny the hesitance and denial to himself. “So when I tell him I’m not interested I can leave without feeling like I owe him something.”

              “Sawa-chan…” Oikawa warned.

              “Oikawa, do me a favour and just _stop._ ” Daichi snapped, thrusting his hands into his pockets and walking slightly ahead.

The skies were sullen now.

Oikawa fought to keep up with him, the pair walking in silence until they returned to Daichi’s apartment complex.

              “Sawa-chan?”

Daichi hissed and exhale through his teeth, if he was going to—

              “I’m sorry for raising my voice in the museum.”

Daichi paused on the front steps, lowering his eyes to the ground.

              “It’s okay…”

              “It’s not!” Daichi felt a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

Daichi was silent for a moment.

Who was he kidding?

He’d dragged Oikawa through shit the last few months, without any reason or explanation. Running whenever he tried to get him to open up. Running whenever he tried to tell him it was okay to feel how he did.

Walking on eggshells around him was his best friend since their first year in high school, when they were paired up for creative writing, but Oikawa spent more time doodling the characters than he did actually _writing_. When they enrolled in the same college, Oikawa choosing animation and art, Daichi choosing literature and theatre, and eventually teamed up as writer and illustrator in their second year, almost six years ago.

It wasn’t fair to Oikawa. He needed to tell him.

To open up to him.

And it was like Sugawara had said.

He had to rediscover himself. And he wanted his friend to be there when he did.

              “Oikawa?”

              “Yeah?”

              “Come up for a bit? I wanna talk to you about some things.”

Oikawa’s face split into a smile. “Lead the way Sawa-chan!”

The pair made their way into the lobby, Daichi checking his mailbox – empty – before they headed into the lift.

There was a nervous apprehension in the air as Daichi thumbed the button for the tenth floor, standing beside his friend as each floor went by, no other people entering as they ascended.

Daichi felt the phone in his pocket buzz, an incessant vibration that didn’t stop after just one. A call.

He took the smartphone from his pocket as they reached the eighth floor.

_Papillion Books Publishing._

              “Who is it—“ Oikawa looked over his shoulder. “Answer it! They’ll have a publication date!”

Daichi’s stomach tumbled with nerves as he swiped the screen to take the call.

              “Hello?” He swatted at Oikawa as the latter moved close, holding himself so he could also listen in on the call. “I—If you could just wait five minutes, Takeda, I’m just on my way up to my apartment and we can talk properly—what? Yeah.” He looked to his left, “He’s here.”

              “And eager!” Oikawa shouted down the receiver as they reached Daichi’s floor.

The man on the other end of the line laughed as they walked down the corridor and Daichi unlocked his apartment door. “Okay Takeda, we’re in.” He headed inside, pressing the button for speakerphone and closing his door. “You’re on speaker.”

              _“Excellent!”_

              “You better have good news, Take-chan~”

              _“As a matter of fact, I do! We’ve just had the manuscript back off the editors and it’s ready to go, have you decided on cover art yet?”_

Daichi was quiet for a moment. They had been looking through several designs Oikawa had created, and they did have a favourite.

              “Yeah, I think I got it.” He smiled at his illustrator.

              _“Brilliant_ _! Think you could bring it into the office tomorrow? Also, when do you plan for it to go on sale?”_

“I’m not sure, uh,” Daichi paused, looking at the calendar hanging on his kitchen wall, lifting the first sheet and looking through the months, specifically October, his eyes lingering on a date he longed to forget. “Say, God, I dunno…”

              “Close your eyes and poke the calendar, Sawa-chan!”

So, he did.

              “Okay, uh…”

22nd October.

His stomach lurched. He felt sick. Of all the days.

              _“Sawamura?”_

              “Y—Yeah?”

              _“The date?”_

              “I don’t—”

              “The twenty second of next month, Take-chan!”

_“Is that okay with you, Sawamura?”_

No.

It definitely wasn’t okay.

His book being released on their anniversary?

No way.

But…

Maybe having something to be proud of on that date would make him hate it less.

But did he want to take that risk?

              “Yeah, that’s fine with me.”

              _“Great stuff, I’ll let Kei—Ukai know the details, uh—”_

“We can hear your gay from here, Take-chan~”

There was an awkward laugh from the other end of the phone. _“Well…”_

              “He’s there with you right, now, isn’t he?” Oikawa asked in a tormenting tone, a smirk on his lips as he leaned on his elbows on the marble worktop. “Tell him I said hi~”

              _“W—Will do…”_ Takeda stammered, a soft snickering noise catching their attention. So Ukai really was there. _“Well, I’ll pencil in the twenty-second, and if you could bring the cover for us tomorrow we can start printing and advertise it for the next month.”_

 _“How do you feel about doing television interviews, Sawamura?”_ Ukai inquired.

              “I—I’m still not ready for that yet.”

              _“But radio?”_

              “Radio’s fine.”

              _“Book signings and the like?”_

              “Absolutely fine.”

              _“Still under a pseud?”_

              “Yeah, still under Ishimoto Kenta.”

              _“Great, I’ll get to work on that tomorrow.”_

              “Thank you both, for everything.” Daichi closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I haven’t made this one easy.”

              _“It’s absolutely no problem!”_ Takeda reassured _. “We know things haven’t been easy for you lately, but we’re one step closer to completion and then you can relax.”_

_“Eh, I’ve had worse clients.”_

              “Oh wow, he feels sooo much better.” Oikawa smirked, meeting Daichi’s tired glare. “Almost cured his concussion.”

 _“Concussion?”_ Takeda asked, aghast.

              “It’s no big deal,” Daichi reassured. “Just a run in at a bar last night.”

“He took him for apology coffee this morning,” Oikawa teased.

              “That’s enough, Oikawa,” Daichi warned. “Is there anything else you need Takeda, Ukai?”

              _“No, that’s everything for now, we’ll see you both tomorrow,”_ Takeda dismissed. _“Enjoy the rest of your Sunday.”_

              “You too. See you both tomorrow.”

Final goodbyes were said and the publisher ended the call. The room was silent for only moments before Oikawa broke it.

              “It’s getting published!” Long arms enveloped Daichi in a constricting hug. “Book three here we come!”

              “People might not like it yet,” Daichi reasoned. “There might not be a book three.”

              “With Ukai-chan and Take-chan I don’t think you have much to worry about. Plus the first book cooked up a storm! You’ll get your third book.”

              “What I mean is… I don’t know if I want a third book.”

              “What? Sawa-chan, you can’t just leave it hanging where it is! We planned five books!”

              “We also made the books independent of each other… the public would never know.”

              “I can’t believe you don’t wanna continue anymore!”

              “Doesn’t change the fact it’s true.” Daichi sat on the couch, desperate to escape the confined space of the kitchenette and away from his irate friend, tucking his legs under himself and reaching for the discarded television remote on the side table. “Are you going to listen to me or leave?”

Oikawa huffed, relenting and following Daichi to the couch.

              “Talk to me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come and talk to me on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/i-am-a-bit-of-a-crank)


	3. Excuses, Excuses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daichi felt guilty. 
> 
> There was no way to beat around the bush, or sugar coat it, he felt guilty because he was guilty.
> 
> He was a horrible human being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood Music for the chapter:
> 
> [Rather Be by Clean Bandit ft. Jess Glynne](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-M1AtrxztU)  
> [The Half by Ruben](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8ru2PjSXBk)  
> [Technicolour Beat by Oh Wonder](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9FfYWp_d5w)

Daichi felt _guilty._

There was no way to beat around the bush, or sugar coat it, he felt guilty because he was guilty.

He was a horrible human being.

He looked down at the message in his phone, wishing he could spill his guts to the other man and tell him he’d lied. But it was too late now.

_[[Daichi: Hey suga, mustve eaten something bad, been up all night, not well. Rain check??]]_

_[[Suga: Sure! Thats fine, need anything???]]_

_[[Daichi: No, no, im fine, im just gonna try sleep it off. Im really sorry about this.]]_

_[[Suga: Ok, hope you feel better soon Daichi! Dont worry urself too much, cant be helped!]]_

_[[Daichi: Thanks :)]]_

He was a horrible human being.

He lay on his bed, his arm covering his eyes. The only thing that had been truthful in those messages had been that he’d been up all night. But it wasn’t illness keeping him awake, it was fear.

He was the one who arranged their _payback for your apology coffee_ coffee, making Sugawara take time away from his studies and research, all those butterflies needed documentation filling and fact files creating. He was the one to cancel the morning of the _payback for your apology coffee_ coffee.

Because he was scared.

He placed his phone on the empty pillow beside him, rolling onto his side; he might as well at least pretend to be sick. Daichi lay in foetal position, allowing his mind to wander to other things; _anything_ other than the silver haired man who’d quickly wormed his way into Daichi’s mind, making the man doubt everything he knew with just his presence.

A spectrum of colours bursting into his greyscale life, painting a bleak landscape into a flurry of beating wings, turning the charcoal night into midnight blue and royal purple, stars and galaxies like the spattering of freckles on sunrise-like flushed peach skin. Wilted trees exploding in autumnal colours with Monarch wings, the ground beneath his feet like rich muddy earth coloured eyes with the flecks of hazel green only visible in certain lights, and clouds turning from low and depressing, stifling, to stratosphere ascending wisps, illuminated brilliant white by sunlight even in the depths of night.

It was _terrifying_ how meeting the man only two times had changed everything.

Was he ready for a third encounter?

He found himself wanting to try.

But entertaining the thought made his chest feel empty while his heart would beat too fast, he’d begin to doubt himself; whether he was ready; whether he should move on so soon; whether he’d just be left broken again.

He didn’t want that.

What if she saw him with another person?

Would it upset her?

Would she get angry?

Oh God.

What if that was the only reason he wanted to entertain the idea of moving on? Payback. To hurt her like she’d hurt him.

She’d always told him he was too stubborn for his own good; was this his way of trying to prove that stubbornness?

He looked at his phone with a sigh, he wanted to tell Sugawara he could still make the _payback for your apology coffee_ coffee, come clean and tell him he was just afraid.

But then that’d mean telling him _everything_ , and he didn’t want to do that.

He’d only just told Oikawa about what’d happened, he wasn’t ready to tell anyone else.

His next thought was about his all-nighter, how he’d clock watched and felt nauseous for the last seven hours, unable to sleep because he knew he’d be messaging Sugawara to cancel. As if his body clock wasn’t fucked up enough as it was.

As the clock on the far bedside lit up with _08:00AM_ he found his eyes growing indisputably droopy, unable to stave off the tiredness he felt as his usual body-clock overrode his guilt.

He had to admit, it was nice to not have to worry about being scolded for being lazy anymore; to sleep when he wanted for as long as he wanted.

Freeing, to do what he wanted.

And yet he didn’t. He didn’t do what he wanted to do.

Because he was scared.

He sighed in frustration, before he could think better of it messaging Sugawara before closing his eyes with a furrow to his brow, cocooning himself in his bedsheets and burying his face into the pillow.

 

* * *

 

 

Sugawara disembarked from the train, looking to his left to make sure he wouldn’t bump into anyone upon his exit and then turned to the right, making his way to the station exit.

He greeted the ticket vendor as he passed his ticket through the automated turnstile and shimmied through the gate, collecting the orange pass from the other side and sliding it back into his lanyard behind his name tag.

After Daichi cancelled he didn’t see a point in staying at home, he was already awake and raring to go, why waste a day when he could be getting more work done? Sure, he’d get there later than he normally would, but that just meant he’d stay later to compensate.

He took the red headphones from around his neck and slipped them over his head and mustard-coloured beanie, suppressing a shiver at the cold air nipping at his ears and nose. He took his phone from his back pocket, making sure the headphones were plugged into the jack properly before turning on the screen.

A message?

He nibbled on the inside of his lip as he unlocked his phone, emerging from the tunnelled walkway and out into the street, he turned right, walking down the stone pavement and up sandstone steps into the vast gardens around the museum.

Sugawara quickly selected his playlist before returning to read the message, momentarily perplexed by the contents.

_[[Daichi: Is 5am too early??]]_

Five a.m.?

Too early for what?

Was he really sick and feverish and sending out jibber?

Could he be half asleep and not realise what he was saying? Sugawara had sent Kuroo many choice messages over the years from doing just that.

He looked up as he walked past the memorial cenotaph, stopping to admire the view of the lower gardens from his higher vantage point, hearing a bird – he was sure it was a robin – in the oak tree only a few metres away. His eyes strayed back to the message.

_Is 5am too early?_

Then he remembered their prior conversations.

Over the last week Daichi had tried to arrange a day where they could meet, Sugawara always starting work at seven a.m. and often working overtime until eight p.m. meant that most times Daichi suggested he was unable to attend.

Even today, he’d worked his schedule to have the day off for their coffee date.

But he’d told Daichi he was often awake at four.

Was that what he meant?

It was unusual; not the time he’d expect a date. In the past it was always formal wear and a fancy restaurant in the evening, getting tipsy on expensive wine and going home to a lust fuelled night.

What could they do at _five in the morning?_

He wasn’t sure; but he wanted to find out.

He crossed the cobbled side street, Victorian gas lamps lining the cul-de-sac and he headed up the museum steps, grimacing as his favourite song came on as he was about to unplug his headphones. But he guessed it didn’t matter too much; it just meant his favourite song would be the first thing he’d get to listen to on his way home.

He took the steps with a skip, reaching the top and leaping onto his right foot, leather hush puppies pounding the stone steps, looking down at his phone in his hands as he headed inside the propped open old wood doors and navigating through the visitors in the atrium.

_[[Suga: Depends, too early for what??? For me? Nah. For drinking alcohol? Yea. No wait, that also depends, drinking from the night before i guess is okay, but waking up to crack open a bottle of vod is a bad idea. Don’t ask ho I know that. Uni was wild *how]]_

Was he rambling?

He was probably rambling.

But it might cheer Daichi up; he hoped it would.

He went into the café, ordering his usual and then making his way up the staircase and into the bug house, greeting people as he went.

Today was going to be a good day.

              “Sugaaaaa~~”

Sugawara turned at the familiar lilt, “Tetsu!”

Today was going to be a great day.

 

* * *

 

 

Daichi woke up several hours later to the sound of feet padding through his apartment, jolting him into sudden alertness and he grabbed the nearest thing to him – his laptop, tucked down the side of his bed and the bedside unit – and threw the covers off himself, darting to his feet.

He tiptoed along the floor, dodging the floorboards he’d learned to dodge to avoid any creaks, approaching his bedroom door and listening to the footsteps.

He reached for the doorknob, twisting it slowly but being met by a faster force from the other side. His hand snapped back and he gripped his laptop tightly in his hands, going to raise the electronic device above his head, letting out a shout as he brought it back down.

He was greeted by an equally startled shout and he paused, stopping only centimetres from a familiar head of brunette hair, two pale hands now also gripping his laptop as it was almost comically passed between them.

“Sawa-chan!”

“Oikawa!” Daichi vented with a gasp. “You piece of shit!”

“You almost hit me with a laptop!”

“How did you—How did you get in?!” Daichi felt his pulse begin to level out, exhaling a shaky sigh as his hands trembled.

“Well! I bumped into Michi-chan at the wholesale and she told me you seemed worried last night when she saw you in the hall. So I came back with her to make sure you weren’t going to cancel your date with Suga-chan! That’s how I got into the building.”

“It’s not a date!”

“You’re meeting up for coffee, that’s a date!”

“No, we’re not, and it wasn’t meant to be a date.”

“What do you mean you’re not?” Oikawa asked with scandal, looking at Daichi in disbelief.

“I cancelled.”

“Sawa-chan…”

“No, I wanna—how the fuck did you get into my _locked_ apartment?”

“Makki taught me how to pick locks, no biggie.”

“ _Why_ does Makki, of all people, _Makki_ know how to pick locks?”

“Are you hearing yourself?”

“Okay, okay, yeah, of all the people it _would_ be Makki who knows how to pick locks.”

“Sup?”

Daichi jumped at the sight of the pinkette peeking around Oikawa.

“Hanamaki!”

“Heyooo~”

Daichi scowled at the pair, “Hanamaki didn’t teach you how to pick locks, did he?”

“No, he did,” Oikawa smirked, “on your door.”

“You better not’ve broke it.” Daichi deadpanned.

“Puh-lease! Have a little faith in my abilities, Daichi,” Hanamaki cooed, his usual shit eating grin on his face, “I stopped breaking the locks after I broke Mattsun’s for the fifth time.”

“I’m investing in a door chain.” Daichi grumbled, squeezing past the pair and looking at the state of his apartment, a ridiculous amount of alcohol bottles piled high on the work top, ice cream stacked beside it, and sweets and bags of confectionary strewn along the coffee table. “Okay, what the fuck.”

“We’re here to spend the day!”

“I got Mattsun’s Netflix password too so jokes on him, I’m gonna use it.”

“Ooh, let’s fill it up with gay movies.”

“I think me and Mattsun beat you to it, Oiks.” Hanamaki spoke solemnly, patting their friend on the back. “Although his girlfriend wasn’t too happy about it.”

“Tough titties,” Oikawa harrumphed, “she’s never happy about anything.” 

Daichi allowed the two to carry on their bickering jibes at their friend’s partner, heading back into his room to return his laptop to its resting place.

He leaned down, slotting it into the gap between his bed and his bedside table. He pulled the duvet and made his bed, resisting temptation to crawl back into it as he religiously carried through the daily motions of scrupulously returning the covers to their place right down to the fabric creases.

His eyes caught sight of a small blue flash from the gap between the pillows.

A message?

His heart leapt into his throat as he remembered he’d messaged Sugawara before he’d fallen back asleep, would it be his reply?

His stomach flipped with what he could only describe as nervous excitement, nervous for Sugawara’s response in case it was a rejection, excited for the opposite _what-if_ scenario.

He reached for his phone, turning the screen on to see a message notification and the number four in brackets beside Sugawara’s name.

Sugawara had messaged him four times while he was asleep.

Daichi moved to open his curtains, peeling them back and flooding the room with light, taking a deep breath as he opened the window.

Then he turned his attention back to his phone.

He had to force the smile from his face as he unlocked his phone and moved back into the main room, closing his bedroom door gently behind him. But he couldn’t fight the ear to ear grin when he saw Sugawara’s rambling. He’d definitely need to ask about that when they next met.

He paused.

_When they next met._

It’d come so naturally.

Sure, they were supposed to have one last meeting before Daichi told him he wasn’t looking for a relationship.

But when he said it…that hadn’t been the excuse his mind had provided. In fact, it didn’t give him an excuse.

He just wanted to see Sugawara.

He could feel heat rise to his cheeks and he glanced at the two men, Hanamaki was holding a bottle of vodka in his kitchenette, Oikawa had tight hold of a bottle of red wine, and the clock on his wall said it was only eleven-thirty in the morning.

Great.

He may as well use vodka on his cereal rather than milk.

“What’s got you grinning like an idiot, eh, Daichi?”

Daichi looked to the pinkette, “Hanamaki, pass us that bottle.”

He reached out his hand and Hanamaki warily passed him the bottle; Daichi didn’t blame him for the suspicion, last time he’d flushed it down the toilet and promptly finished the three day bender.

Now he had the bottle in his hand.

What now?

“I’ll, uh, be right back.” He took the alcohol into his room, ignoring the other two men and their questioning gazes, closing the door and snapping a picture of himself with the bottle.

It didn’t look right; forced.

He pursed his lips and deleted it, trying again.

This time it was blurry _and_ unnatural.

He sighed, eyes landing on his bed.

_Wait—_

That was perfect.

He placed the bottle on his bedside table, climbing into bed before grabbing the bottle’s neck and rolling onto his side, he held the bottle close to his body. He looked at himself on the front-camera, experimenting with several poses before deciding on one he liked.

That he thought Sugawara would like; laugh at.

Something to make him laugh.

He snapped the photo, looking at it with pride.

That’d do.

He captioned it and scheduled it for five the next morning before scrambling back out of bed, going back into the main room before his absence became too long.

“Here, thanks,” Daichi said, passing the bottle back to Hanamaki who eyed him with suspicion, “what?”

“What did you do to the bottle? It’s super fucking warm, what the fuck?” He looked at the bottle in his hands distrustfully and then at Daichi, eyes narrowed.

“Nothing!”

“What did you do, Sawa-chan. You can tell me.” Oikawa crowed, leaning over the back of the couch.

“No! I just…” The pair looked at him expectantly. “Suga messaged me and I wanted to send a funny reply.”

“With vodka?”

“With vodka.”

“Awww Sawa-chan is like a lovestruck teenager!”

“Ew.” Hanamaki stuck his finger into his mouth and faked a gagging noise. “Love.” He rounded the couch, mimicking Oikawa’s position over the back.

Oikawa snorted.

“I’m not in love!” Daichi argued defensively. “I just wanted him to laugh.”

The pair shared a glance, “can we see?” They asked in unison.

“No.”

“You’re only prolonging the inevitable.”

“We’ll just ask Suga-chan.”

Daichi scowled at them and they returned the expression with matching grins.

He knew they were right.

 

* * *

 

 

Sugawara looked up from his breakfast, reaching for his phone as his phone screen lit up.

A message off Daichi?

He felt his chest grow lighter in relief, he’d been worried he’d scared Daichi off with his rambling or with the fact he’d implied that he used to drink vodka at five a.m. in university.

He eagerly unlocked his phone, taking another bite from his toast.

_[[Daichi: Damn really?? tOO LATe {{Image attached.}}]]_

Sugawara clicked on the download option, his screen loading up the image and he couldn’t stop the bubbly laughter escaping.

              “OhmyGod,” he giggled around a mouthful of toast, “what the hell, why is he so fucking—what a dork."

He saved the image of Daichi. It was a selfie, Daichi was lying in what Sugawara assumed was his bed, on his side, his body mostly covered by his navy-blue duvet with only the shoulders of a white t-shirt visible. The arm he was lying on was brought up and his palm disappeared behind sleep mussed hair and his other hand was somewhere out of shot, Sugawara knew it was holding his phone, because of how his arm was positioned.

He looked at the bottle of vodka cradled so the neck was propped against his shoulder, the neck caressing his sharp jawline, his lips puckered, corners twisted slightly upward in amusement, and pressed to the bottle’s side as he glanced sideways at the camera, crows’ feet and swollen cheeks showing a boyish side to Daichi Sugawara hadn’t seen before. It held a natural charm; his amusement wasn’t faked in the photo.

He was genuinely amusing himself with something and it made Sugawara want to see more of this side to Daichi. He was glad the other man was feeling better, glad the food poisoning didn’t last too long if his picture was anything to go by.

This softer side that was different to the dapper man who ended up covered in blood from the club or the dishevelled mess who looked like he’d came straight from doing a walk of shame with a raised and angry welt on his forehead.

He was happy to see how well Daichi’s wound was healing too, scabbed over and looking a lot less angry now almost ten days had passed.

He found himself reduced to laughter once more as his eyes settled on the picture again, an inhale that sounded more like a snort at the end. He definitely wanted to find out what a five a.m. date would be like with Sawamura Daichi.

_[[Sugawara: What a beautiful couple, when’s the wedding and am i invited?]]_

The reply was almost instantaneous, Daichi was also awake and for some reason that made Sugawara happy; they were both awake at the same time.

_[[Daichi: 5am monday? Guest of honour.]]_

Sugawara snorted again, resting his face on his forearm as he replied.

_[[Sugawara: It’s a date]]_

_[[Daichi: Am not sure vodka-chan would like that]]_

_[[Sugawara: Tell vodka-chan bros before hoes]]_

_[[Daichi: Will do]]_

Sugawara found himself smiling against the skin of his arm.

_[[Sugawara: Mrs. Sawamura got herself some competition]]_

Daichi didn’t reply.

 

* * *

 

 

Daichi looked at his watch, nerves tumbling in his stomach as he saw the time read five to five, was it too late to back out?

His heart raced as he walked along the pavement, white ankle converse wiped until every scuff was gone, light blue bleached denim jeans and dark midnight blue shirt, a forest green bomber jacket protecting his arms from the early morning cold.

He reached the exterior of a quaint, slightly set back coffee shop, pastel yellow window frames and exterior panelling giving it a warm atmosphere.

Daichi looked up and down the street, playing with the lint in his jacket pockets as his anxiety grew, finding a snag of thread and tugging on it as he faced away from the shop, waiting for Sugawara.

It was still mostly dark outside, sodium street lights painting the streets in orange as the sky began to show a sliver of lighter blue on the horizon.

He saw a figure making their way down the street, instantly recognising the latter as Sugawara by how he was dressed; still being amused by the sheer cliché look he sported, he cleared his throat into his hand to mask his small laugh, only then looking at Sugawara’s hair.

Oh.

That was new.

_Cute._

His hair was pressed to his cheekbones and temples, along his forehead by a mustard coloured beanie hat.

Sugawara looked up from his feet, seeing Daichi meeting his eyes with copper orbs, he broke into a blinding smile and waved, speeding up with a skip in his step as he closed the distance between them. He stopped just before Daichi, the latter feeling unexplainable disappointment at the fact he stopped _. What?_

Why was he disappointed by the fact Sugawara had respected his personal space?

“Daichi? You okay buddy?”

The voice snapped Daichi from his confusion and he looked at Sugawara, “y—yeah, sorry about that.” He smiled, hoping to quell the look of concern on Sugawara’s face, the furrow in his brows and how one was slightly raised in question. “I like your hat.”

Sugawara’s hand flew up to his head and his concern was replaced with a grin. “Thanks! My friend made it for me,” he smiled, adjusting the hat from his face and allowing Daichi the chance to see more of him, “ready to get coffee?”

“Yeah, I’m ready.” Daichi smiled, reaching for the door handle and pulling, the door not budging and Sugawara letting out a snort behind him.

“ _Push.”_ He snickered.

“Thanks for clarifying, I was about to try _up_ next.” Daichi replied, voice laced with sarcasm and the noise that Sugawara made in response was a noise he wouldn’t mind listening to forever, the dirty laugh had Daichi’s stomach experiencing butterflies as he pushed inside the coffee shop.

“Okay, so what do you want?” Daichi asked as they approached the counter.

Sugawara hummed, eyes rolling over the hanging menu sign, “I think I’ll have a…my one true love, latte-kun.”

Daichi chuckled, “it’s a shame they don’t do vodka-chan here.”

He leant onto the counter, relishing in the sound of Sugawara’s laughter as he ordered two caramel lattes, “want anything else?”

“Nope!” Sugawara said with a smile, taking his coffee from the counter in fingerless-gloved hands, slipping coins into the tip jar before turning on the balls of his feet with a cheeky grin, passing Daichi a side glance before springing towards the door.

Daichi paid for the coffee, “keep the change!” He chased after Sugawara, as the ashen haired man pulled the door and passed the threshold into the cold October morning. “Suga!”

“Yeah, Daichi?” His bottom lip disappeared between his teeth, one side more than the other and his eyes were crinkled in the corners, small crow’s feet gracing his pale skin as he turned to face Daichi.

“I’m pretty sure I said I’d be paying this time,” Daichi said, heart pounding in his chest as he leaned over Sugawara’s shoulder and into his personal space, meeting his gaze, “you just made my payback coffee become only half paid back coffee.”

Sugawara looked away from Daichi’s eyes, laughing before Daichi noticed his pink cheeks, and he met his eyes again through his hair.

“I guess you’ll just have to make another date, hm?” He asked jovially, his gaze shifting to Daichi’s lips before back to his eyes and smirking.

“S—Suga,” Daichi stammered, looking to the floor and moving from Sugawara’s personal space, “I gotta tell you,” he fell into step with the other man, refusing to make eye contact with the concerned bronze gaze, “I’m not looking for a relationship right now, I’m sorry – I don’t want to string you along any longer than I already have.”

“Huh, that’s awfully bold of you to assume I wanna date you.” Sugawara hummed, taking a sip of his coffee and making Daichi pause, his chest growing tight at Sugawara’s tone, had he misread the situation all along?

“I—"

Sugawara seemed to see the look on Daichi’s face, dawning fear in his eyes, “I mean, I totally would date you, like, in a heartbeat. You’re totally cute, and funny, and holy hell you’re so handsome and your dimples are to die for! And you didn’t sue me after I smashed a glass on your head, what a catch!”

Daichi’s features relaxed as he listened to Sugawara…but he still couldn’t believe what the silver haired man was saying was true.

“But if you’re not looking for a relationship then that’s okay too, y’know? I like you as a person, so just because you’re not looking for a relationship doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop being your friend. I mean—If that’s okay.”

Daichi nodded, unable to help how his chest felt all too heavy at Sugawara’s sincere words.

“Can we still go on mates dates though?”

“Mates dates?” Daichi asked, the last word making his heart jump in fear.

“Yeah, like, if I need to go buy stuff, or one of my bowling partners calls in sick can I call on you?”

“S—Sure, I guess.”

Was he for real?

He wasn’t reacting badly to Daichi’s refusal? Or to how Daichi had ruined the date?

“Oh, hey! I know! Starting right now, I gotta run some errands, come with me?”

“Sure, uh, what do you need?”

“Wow, you agreed so easily, I could be about to ask you to help me hide a body or anything.”

Daichi shrugged, “how do you know I don’t already have experience with hiding bodies so the thought of hiding bodies doesn’t actually bother me?”

“Touché.” Sugawara laughed, sipping some more of his drink. “Well, I need to go and buy some new plants for the butterfly exhibit, turns out introducing over a hundred butterflies at once totally wrecks the established ecosystem. So I need to buy supplementary flowers and some fruits and stuff to balance out the ecosystem and give the ground flowers a break.”

“Oh, sure, we can go do that, sounds like fun.” Daichi smiled, drinking his coffee.

“I mean, I also need to get some more for the extension.” Sugawara said as the pair began to make their way towards the docks.

“Extension?”

“I’ve been fighting with the museum owners to make the roof above my exhibit safe for visitors and extend the butterfly house up there, y’know, like, one that the visitors can actually go in and explore. Like a greenhouse!”

“Wow…that’s amazing.” Daichi sighed in awe, imagining it. “Oh yeah, because that side of the museum is only three floors! The other side has the six floors, where T—Tetsurou? is.”

“Yeah! Exactly! The six floors are the North and West side of the building, the human side with all the technology and human civilisations and stuff, the South and East are nature and only extend three floors, there’s a dome window already above the butterfly house, all they’d need to do is knock into the dome and extend upwards.”

“Wouldn’t that require planning permission?”

“Already got it! And I got out of a meeting with the owner on a few days ago and he’s given it the go ahead, so looks like we might have another flower date soon to pick out a whole new ecosystem~”

“I’d like that.” Daichi said with a smile, hating how his stomach would lurch at the use of the word _date_. “But…won’t it take a few months for the greenhouse to be built?”

“Hm, yeah, I’d say it’d probably be around January? Maybe December if building gets started straight away.”

“What if I don’t want to wait that long for a third m—mates date?”

Daichi watched Sugawara’s face light up at his words, “omg, we can have as many mates dates as you want!”

Daichi smiled, “I’d like that.”

They continued to walk to the docks, coffee cups slowly draining and hands growing cold. Daichi was all too aware of Sugawara’s arm that was close to his own. They disposed of their cups as they passed a rubbish bin, turning left to walk down a quiet walk way.

By now the sky was lightening, pastel yellows and greens spreading from the East and stealing the midnight blue’s thunder, Daichi kept eyeing the colour with interest, sighing to himself as he allowed himself to relax.

Sugawara was fun.

Being with him was so easy.

He hadn’t felt so at ease in a long time.

“Hey, Suga, what did you mean in that message?” Daichi asked, looking to the other man. “Y’know, the comment about uni and vodka at five a.m.?”

Sugawara laughed nervously, “exactly what I said, uni was the wildest time of my life and I’m honestly kinda glad I was blackout drunk for most of it.”

“Why, what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk?”

“Oh,” Sugawara laughed, growing sheepish, “that I can remember? I took a shit in a bush then blamed it on Tetsurou.”

“Oh my God,” Daichi laughed, coming to the promenade with Sugawara, growing curious about where the ashen haired man was leading him, “is that all?”

“Hey! I said that I can _remember—_ ” Sugawara paused, looking at Daichi with his jaw hanging, “what do you mean _is that all_? What stories are you hiding from me, Daichi!” Sugawara laughed in awe, the sound making Daichi want to laugh too.

They strolled through the stalls, heading to the fruit stall first, Daichi startled when Sugawara gripped his hand, leading him through the fishermen bringing their catches ashore. Daichi’s curiosity grew, eyeing the bright yellow crates filled with fresh fish already on ice, listening to the sounds of bags and angry-sounding engines, nets being pulled tight, and vessels banging into worn tyres on the dockside and gangways being laid.

He’d never actually been to this part of their city before, it was so _industrial_ , but at the same time _alive_ , a hive of human activity and birds overhead crying out loudly as they were drawn in by the temptation of the fish.

“Hey Daichi! I got crabs!”

_What?_

Daichi’s head shot towards Sugawara who was holding a crate filled with live crabs, unable to hold back his laughter at the sight. He moved closer, intrigued by the crustaceans, Sugawara grinned.

“I dare you to poke one.”

“Go on, try it,” Daichi looked up to the new voice, “I’m sure they’d do more than poke you back.”

“Hey Ikkei!”

“Hey Sugawara, how are you?”

“I’m good thanks, how’s your grandson?”

“Keishin is as busy as ever, got some new book to advertise or something—" Daichi froze, _Keishin?_ No, he shouldn’t worry; Ukai had more than just his book to advertise. “Oh! That reminds me, I said I’d leave a few fliers on my stall for people to see.”

Daichi watched as Ikkei turned to rummage through a burlap satchel, producing three stacks of fliers, his heart jumping and blood running cold when he realised it was _his_ book.

His book was being advertised in a fishmonger’s stall because his grandson had asked him to.

Before he could stop himself and he reached for a flier, eyes rolling over the sheet of photographic paper, Oikawa’s cover art on a mock up of the book, blues and purples swirling together on the page with yellow and silver writing announcing the title, author, and synopsis.

Ishimoto Kenta.

“You like Ishimoto Kenta, Daichi?”

“Uh, something like that.”

“Sugawara, who’s this?”

“Oh! This is Daichi, he’s helping me get some stuff for the butterflies.”

“N—Nice to meet you, Ikkei.”

“Likewise, Daichi.” He found himself shaking the man’s hand.

“Well, I’m in work at seven, see you later Ikkei - we gotta get going!”

“See you both later!”

Daichi’s hand was back in Sugawara’s and they were heading further along the promenade, Daichi glanced out to sea just in time to see the sun beginning to peek over the horizon. He’d only ever seen it from high above the city and from such a position, only metres away from the water’s edge, it took his breath away.

He stopped in his tracks, hand slipping free from Sugawara’s and he stepped closer to the sea wall, palms flat on the concrete structure as he watched the silhouettes of boats on the high tide currents, brilliantly blue rises in the water, inky black troughs, a dazzlingly blue sky at his zenith fading to red and coral at the horizon.

“Wow…”

“Is this your first time being down here?” Sugawara asked, standing beside him.

“Yeah…well, yeah, I’ve never been here before, it’s beautiful.”

Sugawara hummed, jumping onto the sea wall and offering Daichi his hand.

Daichi took it without hesitation, stepping up the concrete step to stand beside Sugawara, cold wind biting his face and hands, sea slightly obscured by sea fret, but the sunrise mesmerisingly inspiring.

He wanted to write.

His mind told him to run.

“Suga,” he spoke softly, attracting the other man’s attention, spatterings of gold painting Sugawara’s wind bitten features, “it’ll be nearly seven, right? We should get the stuff you need.”

_Run._

“Oh, yeah…” Sugawara mumbled, letting go of Daichi’s hand and jumping down from the sea wall, Daichi allowing himself to shuffle down and following Sugawara.

“I never did tell you what I did when I was drunk, did I?” Daichi asked, catching up with Sugawara’s steps.

“Y—You don’t have to.” Sugawara stammered. “When you went quiet I assumed you didn’t want to.”

“Nah, I don’t mind – I just got distracted.” Daichi chuckled softly. “I, uh, kinda faked dated a guy for half an hour so he could get his things from his parent’s house – but at the time I had a girlfriend.”

Sugawara froze, pausing his steps, “wait, you did what?”

“Yeah,” Daichi laughed, “I was absolutely shit faced but I remember it pretty well, he had, uh, orange? Blue? Was it blue? I think it was orange hair.”

“It was pink, actually.”

“Oh, like I said I was absolutely—” It was Daichi’s turn to pause. “How did you—?”

“Sawamura Daichi, I knew your name was familiar from somewhere.” Sugawara began to belly laugh. “To think we’d met before.”

“Wait—you’re…”

“I’m that guy!” Sugawara kept laughing, clutching his middle. “Nah, I don’t believe this one bit!”

“You can’t be serious, you’re that guy? But you look so different!”

“Duh! Teenage rebellion, I dyed my hair every colour under the sun and I wore makeup that hid my beauty spot! Oh my God, I remember when you dared to tell my parents you were my boyfriend and you didn’t even know my name!”

So _that’s_ where Daichi recognised his eyes but without the beauty mark...he covered it up.

Daichi laughed, “I did? I don’t remember that!”

“Yes! You also told me the only reason you found me in the park was because you decided to scare your friends and ran off! Then you passed out on my shoulder.”

“Oh my God.” Daichi buried his face in his hands. “I also gave you my number.”

“You gave me the _wrong_ number.”

“I—Wait, you tried it?”

“You bet I did; you were a cutie then and a cutie now. So sweet and caring – whoever your girlfriend was was lucky, and definitely lost out on a great guy—”

“You hardly know me.” Daichi was quick to say. “You can’t say that.”

“Daichi?”

“You can’t say I’m a great guy, you can’t, you don’t know that – you don’t know what I’ve done; wh—what I’ve been through—” He paused, breath coming in harsh pants as he looked at Sugawara, meeting his eyes and realising what he’d said. “Shit…Suga, I—I gotta go.”

“Daichi wait!” He reached for the man, just catching his hand in his own and tugging hard enough to stop Daichi’s retreat. “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about but I know you more than you think.” He took a breath. “You helped a nineteen-year-old kid out of a bad situation, as soon as you heard what was going on you jumped straight in there. You care about your friends so much; our first coffee date you asked me how you could help your friend more because you hated feeling powerless. All of today, everything we’ve done has been great! If you’re not a great guy why was it great? Things are as only good as the company you have when you do it.”

Daichi’s fingers slipped free from Sugawara’s, pulling away from the man and he turned, “there’s also a lot you don’t know, that I don’t want you to see or to know…I’m sorry, but I’ve got to go.” And he turned on his heel before Sugawara could argue any further.

 

* * *

 

 

Daichi’s footsteps grew heavier as he trudged to his apartment door, each step becoming harder to complete as he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He rested his hand on the door in front of him, shoulders sagging as he willed the burn in his eyes to go away.

Blinking furiously he forced his way into his apartment, body leaning heavily on his door and he looked at his familiar surroundings, but his senses allowed him no respite, the smells of expensive perfumes and flowery candles burning his nose as phantom scents, he made a noise of distress, moving straight to the kitchenette and digging around under the sink.

He reached for his phone from his back pocket, scrolling through contacts and tapping on one name, the ringing tone filling him with a gnawing anxiety as he withdrew the cleaning products. It was only seven a.m., he doubted he was even awake, but he needed _someone_.

There was a muffled, sleep filled _hello_ from the other end of the line and he willed himself to perk up, moving around the kitchen island counter to the main room.

“Oikawa—”

“You’re home?” Oikawa’s voice lifted. “How did it go? Did you have fun?”

Daichi sprayed the room liberally with the odour-eraser, unable to fight the tears in his eyes as he moved to the sofa and doing the same.

“O—Oikawa,” the back of his throat burned, from the chemicals or unshed tears he wasn’t sure, “I fucked up.”

He heard the sound of rustling, and Oikawa’s rushed words, “I’m on my way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've officially finished my third year of university so from now on the updates will be every two weeks!


	4. The End of Duality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He sighed, his jacket beginning to fail against the cold sea breeze picking at his features, chilling his fingers, cheeks, and ears. The fleece lined article open and leaving him exposed to the elements, feeling the thick woollen sleeves beneath leather ones digging into the heel of his palms.
> 
> Daichi lost track of time as he continued to wander through his thoughts, he regretted his behaviour around Sugawara. He regretted what he’d said.
> 
> Sugawara didn’t deserve it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood music for the chapter:  
> [I Need U by BTS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjskoRh8GTE)  
> [Serendipity, Epiphany, Euphoria, Singularity Mashup (BTS) by Ryuseralover](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHlF4Ne2e-c)  
> [So Far Away by BTS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B96TQalQsEA)

Sunrise had been an hour ago, but Daichi still found himself looking out to sea. It had been a cloudy sunrise, clouds dark like charcoal and sunlight painted red like blood. The sky looked angry even without any bad weather.

Through a gap in the clouds he saw the silhouette of a plane, rays of sunlight obscured his vision, but he knew it was low enough to be landing at the airport just a few miles away.

He looked at the sky again, it looked broody, rolling clouds thick above his head, making the sea dark and murky, the water almost like it was dancing with the sky, moving as one singular entity.

It hadn’t been as inspiring as he’d hoped, and the concrete of the sea wall dug into his palms as he leant back on his arms, grains of sand under his fingernails. Had it been Sugawara or the better weather that’d made it inspiring in the first place?

He didn’t know for sure, but he had an idea it was mostly the ashen haired man’s doing.

Daichi looked across the docks, watching as the crowds grew and the scenery came to life, but he didn’t feel the awe he’d felt days earlier. Instead, his melancholic mood reminded him of his flaws and faults, screamed at him for being in the same place as _him_ when he didn’t want anything to do with him.

He had to remind himself it was okay to go to somewhere Sugawara had shown him; or his ex for that matter.

Afterall, if he’d avoided _everywhere_ she’d shown him he wouldn’t have many places left in his city to see, not many people he’d stay in touch with. She’d introduced him to dear friends who had ultimately stayed his friends over hers.

He sighed, his jacket beginning to fail against the cold sea breeze picking at his features, chilling his fingers, cheeks, and ears. The fleece lined article open and leaving him exposed to the elements, feeling the thick woollen sleeves beneath leather ones digging into the heel of his palms.

Daichi lost track of time as he continued to wander through his thoughts, he regretted his behaviour around Sugawara. He regretted what he’d said.

Sugawara didn’t deserve it.

So for the last three days he’d been ignoring Sugawara’s messages and calls with a sick feeling in his stomach and a heavy heart in his chest.

It wasn’t fair.

He knew it wasn’t fair, and he couldn’t say he didn’t care about how much it would hurt Sugawara.

But he didn’t want the other man to see him this way. He didn’t want anyone to see him this way.

He watched the bay, the fading sea as low tide washed away, leaving dirty looking sand and boats once anchored littering the wet tidal marsh.

“Sawa-chan.” Daichi looked behind him, to Oikawa standing on the patterned red and grey brick promenade. Beside him, Iwaizumi looked tired. “Are you ready?”

Daichi looked down. “Yeah.” He leaned heavily on his right hand and spun himself around to jump down onto the promenade. “How was your trip?” He asked Iwaizumi.

“Exhausting.” His voice was rough, features etched with exhaustion and his hair askew, a slight unkempt stubble on his jaw. His hand came to rub at his chin. “I can’t wait for a shave. And sleep.”

“Well you can head home now, right? Go ahead, I can always walk home.”

“No way Sawa-chan!”

Iwaizumi hummed. “For once, I agree with Shittykawa. Besides, I’m starving and craving dim sum and Belgian waffles from old man Irihata’s.”

Daichi couldn’t help the light laugh that passed his lips. “What an odd combination.”

“Iwa-chan’s appetite after plane journeys baffles me,” Oikawa sighed, holding the other man’s arm with his own. “I always feel queasy after being on a plane.”

“Same.”

“I get sick of piddly plane peanuts. So I just want to fill my face.” Iwaizumi explained as they crossed the road together.

“And that’s why I paid for three hours of parking! You can stuff your face for three whole hours, Iwa-chan!”

“And then some,” Daichi said, wishing the banter would relieve his mood. “To be honest I’m really in the mood for dim sum now that you’ve mentioned it.”

Iwaizumi hummed. “It has that effect.”

They travelled the short distance to Irihata’s restaurant, Daichi feeling out of sorts as he stepped back, allowing the couple to overtake him.

He sighed quietly under his breath, catching the date on the LED display on one of the hotels they passed, his heart jolting in his chest.

Ten days until the book’s release date.

He took a shaky breath. He should cancel it.

He had to cancel it.

What would she think if he released it on their anniversary?

It was a bad idea from the start.

He needed to postpone it.

Somehow, some way.

Better yet, he should pull out.

Cancel his contract.

Yeah, that would work—

“Happy one-year anniversary, Darling~”

Daichi paused.

That voice.

_No._

His heart thundered in his chest as he slowed to a stop, looking across the pedestrianised street to the source of the sound.

His lips parted as his eyes settled on a couple.

Megumi.

He felt his blood freezing when he saw the woman walking with her arm linked with a well-dressed man’s.

_Happy one-year anniversary._

Their relationship ended four months ago.

How could she have been seeing that man for a year?

The realisation hit him like a tonne of bricks.

“Sawa-chan?”

Sound faded into static as he watched them, face twisting into a scowl as he took off across the street.

She strung him along for eight months alongside _him?_

His fists were clenched, one rising up to collide with something that felt like a face.

Oh, it was a face.

_His_ face.

“What the fuck—”

Daichi reared back again, but this time the man was ready, gripping his wrist like a vice and flinging him back against the shutters of an empty store front.

A hand clasped tightly around his throat. He grappled at the grip, digging in with his nails and pulling it from his windpipe, narrowly dodging a right hook. The sound of metal shutters crunching under the impact exploding in his ear.

His body screamed at him to run, his rage abating just enough for doubt to settle in.

What the fuck was he doing?

Every fibre of his being was telling him to run, but he was done running.

He swung his fist, at the same time the man gripped his head and brought his knee up to meet Daichi’s face. Daichi missed his original target, instead hitting the man’s side.

A copper tang erupted in his mouth and he spat reflexively to rid himself of the taste only for it to come flooding back.

Blood?

Shit.

A hand was fisted in the front of Daichi’s shirt and the man thrust him back against the shutter, taking three steps back and preparing to move forward with another attack.

Daichi rushed forward, lowering his centre of gravity and forcing his body into the other man’s and making him stumble, he gripped his shirt and quickly reversed the situation, swinging the man round so he stumbled to his knees, backed up against the shutters where Daichi had been moments earlier.

By now they’d moved along the store front, within feet of a small restaurant, Daichi reached blindly, grabbing a half pint glass left on one of the metal tables, left hand switching to his right, holding the bottom of the glass and bringing it down on the shutters and breaking the edges.

“You son of a—”

Thick arms encompassed his torso under his arms and tugged him backwards.

“Sawa-chan!” Another hand took the glass from him, throwing it to the ground where it shattered against the pavement.

He was panting heavily, lungs burning as the mist of red began to fade.

He became aware of his surroundings, the man scrambling to his feet, Megumi rushing to meet him, the people on the street staring at their outburst, attracting _a lot_ of attention.

His face hurt, fuck, his whole _body_ hurt.

He spat again, seeing the pavement splatter red, something clattering to the ground.

A tooth.

Well shit.

Daichi felt the arms loosen their grip, but this time hands tugged him away from the scene, all he could see was Oikawa as he spoke with the pair left behind.

Now he was _really_ in trouble.

 

* * *

 

 

The journey back to his apartment was quiet, tense, the air thick with unspoken questions. But he was glad the couple in the front seats didn’t voice them.

He rested his forehead on the window, looking out with a heavy gaze at the people who walked beside them, focusing in on the small spots of water on the window. That attracted his attention skyward, seeing the threatening clouds beginning to unleash their sorrow on the world below them, and wash away his pulsing anger and betrayal.

Honestly… what did he expect?

Megumi was, well, Megumi.

She’d never cared.

Daichi’s door opened and he looked up, seeing Oikawa’s troubled expression. When had they arrived at his apartment?

“We’re here, Sawa-chan.”

He stepped out of the car, closing the door behind him, and followed Oikawa and Iwaizumi as they walked through the underground parking lot and towards the lift into the main building.

“I’m sorry I ruined your brunch.”

Oikawa hummed, the noise light. “It’s fine, I can always make some stuff here!”

“Yeah.” They squeezed into the lift and Iwaizumi pressed the button for the tenth floor. “I started getting a craving for bacon on the way to Irihata’s so, y’know, as long as you have bacon in your fridge then I’m sorted.”

“Yeah, I think I got bacon.” Daichi confirmed, a small smile gracing his swelling lips.

They exited on the tenth floor, by now his face was throbbing and he could feel the beginnings of a headache in his temples and behind his eyes. He walked with heavy footsteps behind Oikawa and Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi had just gotten home. They should be spending time together, doing couple things. Iwaizumi should be catching up on sleep.

But no, they were stuck babysitting him.

Because he was an idiot who still let his ex-fiancée have control over his life.

“Sawa-chan, keys?”

Daichi looked up, looking at his friend while his mind registered what Oikawa had asked for, taking a moment longer to reach into his pocket and retrieve his keys, unlocking his door and dragging himself inside.

“Right,” Oikawa huffed. “Sit your ass down, Mister.” He shrugged out of his coat, draping it over his forearm before leaving it on one of the kitchen stools.

Daichi did as he was told, situating himself on the couch and looking down at his hand, knuckles red and beginning to bruise. He had a slight tremble to his hands and he rested them palm down on his knees.

Iwaizumi sat beside him, Oikawa pottering around the kitchen.

“A lot’s happened while I was away, huh?” Iwaizumi spoke, his tone soft as he turned to look at Daichi.

Daichi nodded, bringing the back of his fingers to his face and feeling his skin burn.

“Stop poking at it.” Oikawa scolded, sitting in front of Daichi on the balls of his feet and knees.

Daichi looked at the first aid box Oikawa placed on the floor beside him and the bowl of water the rested in his lap.

“Hand.” Oikawa sternly said, gripping Daichi’s hand and tugging it closer, ignoring Daichi’s hiss of pain. “You brought this on yourself – don’t think you’ll be getting any gentle touch off me.”

Daichi heard a soft exhale from Iwaizumi, like a scoff but gentler, passing a glance to the other man and seeing how he watched Oikawa, hazel-green eyes observing his every move, a soft smile poorly concealed behind his hand.

Despite his rough exterior, Daichi knew Iwaizumi had a soft side, especially for Oikawa.

And that’s what made his behaviour so unfair. Here they were _babysitting_ him.

He hated this.

He also hated his bitterness towards the couple. His friends. Because he had to _see_ their romance in its wondrous glory while his burned to the ground and turned him to nothing more than ash on the wind.

He hated the feeling of limbo, stuck between being free from Megumi’s shackles, but simultaneously still linked to her in an emotional and psychological way.

He wanted to be free.

Daichi looked down at his hand in Oikawa’s, eyeing the thick bruising on his knuckles and the slight swelling around the base of his fingers.

He could hear the onslaught of hail – or rain? – on the apartment windows, clattering in a way that reminded him of sparks, only instead of a warm glow it was ice cold.

“Sawa-chan, things won’t be like this forever, but you can’t attack someone on the street like that!”

Ah, the lecturing began.

“I know—”

“Knowing isn’t good enough, dammit!” Oikawa yelled, making Daichi flinch as he finally snapped, hitting Daichi’s thigh with a clenched fist. “You _attacked_ someone in the street! You’re lucky I managed to diffuse the situation but if that happens again then what?” Oikawa gripped Daichi’s chin, beginning to dab at the welt on his lip and clean it, voice going quieter. “What he did was wrong, what Megumi did is disgusting, but by going and attacking them you’re making them the better people!”

He felt a hand on his shoulder, Iwaizumi gripping him reassuringly as he looked into Daichi’s eyes. “Oikawa’s right, you need to see this as your chance to show you’re the better person. Ignore their taunts and those nagging voices. Before you can move on and love someone new, you need to learn to love yourself.”

“There’s nothing to love.” Daichi spoke around Oikawa’s probing hands as they worked to clean the blood from his face and to plug the hole in his gum where the tooth came from.

“That’s not true, Sawa-chan, Suga-chan obviously—”

“No, stop it.”

Oikawa harrumphed and tried again. “Suga-chan obviously sees _something_ worth loving. Otherwise he would’ve left it at glassing you in the club, what—”

“Don’t bring him into this!” Daichi stood, making Oikawa lose his balance and knocking the bowl of warm water onto the rug beneath their feet. “Don’t bring Suga into this!”

He paced for a moment, shrugging off the hand – Iwaizumi’s? – that reached for his forearm before he raised his foot, kicking the side of the coffee table with the bottom of his foot, shifting the heavy oak slightly.

“Sawa-chan!”

“I’m tired of pretending like everything is okay!” He roared, spinning on his heel and stalking to the bookshelf on his far wall. “It’s not okay! It never was!” He grabbed the unit, feeling the give of the wall brackets as he pulled. “Why can’t I hurt her the way she hurt me? To hell with being the better person!”

“Stop it!” Oikawa yelled, crossing the distance between them and grabbing Daichi’s wrists, turning him to face him. “You want to hurt them but what will destroying your things do, huh?”

Daichi looked to Oikawa’s hands, and then to the floor, remaining silent as he took a deep breath. Oikawa was right.

He was always right.

Not that Daichi would ever tell him that.

“He said he had crabs.”

The pair looked up at him, baffled expressions on their faces.

“Crabs… like the disease?”

“What? No!” Daichi couldn’t help his fond smile as he sunk to his knees on the floor, wrists slipping from Oikawa’s grip. “We went to the market at the docks and there was a guy with a crate of crabs – Ukai’s grandad. Ukai’s grandad! He had fliers for our story on his stall.”

Oikawa shifted to sit opposite him. “Ukai’s grandad? He did?”

Daichi realised he hadn’t told them about the date, about what actually happened outside the bad things.

“Yeah… he,” he paused, unsure whether to say the words on his tongue… fuck it. “I had fun… it was the first fun I’ve had in a long time.”

Was he really saying this?

Every word was the truth, but he’d never voiced them before. He didn’t think he was _allowed_.

“Remember in our last year of uni and I fucked off and scared the shit outta you guys?”

“Yeah, I still hate you for that.” Oikawa crossed his arms over his chest, pouting as he looked to the side.

Iwaizumi joined them on the floor, sitting cross legged beside Oikawa.

“And remember the guy I faked dated for half an hour?” Daichi paused for a moment. “That was him.”

“What?” Oikawa gaped, not unlike a fish. “No way!”

“Are you serious?”

“It was… and he remembered it was me.” He scoffed, closing his eyes as he remembered Sugawara’s ecstatic expression and movements after he realised. His laugh of joy. “His laugh is infectious, every time I hear it I never want it to end.” He tucked his knees up close to his chest, resting his uninjured cheek on his knees. “He…” Was he really about to say it? “He made me want to write again... he inspires me—”

“Really?” He saw the look in Oikawa’s eyes, mocha orbs lit up with joy, Iwaizumi’s smile wide and directed at him.

“Everything around him inspires me and when I retrace our steps alone the only inspiration is a memory.” Daichi admitted. “It’s starting to feel like my world is gaining colour again. It’s not greyscale, not even sepia tone… There’s honest to God colour where there hasn’t been colour since June.”

“Sawa-chan this is great!”

Daichi shook his head, moving to stand. “It’s terrifying.” He met their eyes one last time. “It’s terrifying to have one person inspire you… again.” He whispered the last word almost like a prayer and a promise, not inaudible but not meant to be heard as anything more than a muttered afterthought as he crossed the room towards his bedroom.

How could he forget the love interest in his novels was – completely coincidentally – based off his drunken perception of who he now knew was Sugawara Koushi?

How he’d denied the fact for years, eventually accepting it, but only to himself.

Because how could he tell people the love interest _wasn’t_ based off Megumi?

He’d never intended for it to _be_ the love interest, at first his work suffered because he tried everything to make it _not_ the love interest.

“I’m gonna…” He paused at the door to his bedroom, opening it and holding onto the frame. “I’m gonna work on pulling away from Megumi’s hold, I’m going to take your advice… and Suga’s. I need to rediscover myself, learn to love myself. Then I can love someone else, then I can be _loved_ by someone else.”

And with that he closed his door, moving inside and his eyes immediately locking onto the device in the crevice between his bed and the bedside table.

The hail was louder here, his bedroom on the side of the building being hit the hardest, he heard a rumble of thunder in the distance and he moved to open his bedroom window.

He loved the sound of thunder.

He felt anger bubbling inside him, disdain for the object between his bedside and his bed, as he remembered the bad times it’d seen him through.

He scowled at the laptop, moving forward and taking it in his hands.

He needed to start anew, and this was the starting point.

 

* * *

 

 

Sugawara sighed for what must’ve been the hundredth time that day. Not that he was counting.

He definitely wasn’t counting, even though it felt _way_ more than one-hundred sighs, he was certain he’d miscounted.

But, then again, he definitely hadn’t been counting.

It was now only two hours until his shift ended and he was _bored_. He was tired of waiting for a text that he was beginning to think would never come.

He looked at the fruit in front of him, cutting the apple in half and then into eighths, slicing into the flesh of the fruit before collecting it with the rest of the chopped fruit in a small white bucket.

Deciding half a bucket was enough, he began to pack away the unused fruit, moving the perishables to the cooler before picking up the white container and making his way into the butterfly enclosure. The battle of the century taking place between him and the door, the standoff becoming three-way when the butterflies caught the fruity scents and nectar.

He battled through the stiff door—he _really_ needed to trim back the shrubbery by the hinges, and then fought his way through a hoard of hungry butterflies.

The last few days Daichi had been on his mind. A lot of the time he was the _only_ thing on his mind.

He was worried.

He sighed and began placing handfuls of the fruit on the ledges installed for visitors to be able to observe the butterflies feeding, ensuring the slices in the flesh were facing upwards. He wasn’t sure what it was, but something made him look up.

Was that Oikawa?

He squinted through the glass at the man on the other side.

No way was that Oikawa.

He continued to unpack the fruit on the other ledges, finally turning back to just double check.

It definitely wasn’t—

Oikawa.

Brown eyes met his own and he startled under the heavy stare.

Why was Oikawa here?

He found himself carrying through the same motions as he did when he first saw Daichi, only this time less excited and eager, more confused and surprised as he raised his finger to silence the other man who had begun to speak. He couldn’t hear him anyway.

Oikawa stopped talking, his mouth closing as Sugawara made his way back to the staff entrance of the exhibit.

The narrow corridor made from plywood and woodchip was awkward even for Sugawara to climb through, a large work bench taking up most of the width.

Sugawara placed the bucket on the work bench, heading towards a small door that took him to the main room.

“Oikawa?” Sugawara couldn’t help the anxious feeling in his gut, Daichi up and disappearing and then his friend showing up days later with an unreadable expression? It terrified him more than he ever thought it could. “Is everything okay?”

“Ahh, yeah, I just…” The taller man paused, scratching the back of his neck and muttering something under his breath. “I want to apologise for Sawa-chan’s behaviour, I know he should be the one to do it but he’s having a rough time right now and I can barely get him to sit still for five minutes let alone get him to string a coherent sentence together.” Oikawa’s voice dropped as he continued, barely audible and Sugawara had a feeling the last words weren’t meant for his ears. “Although he’s never been good at that. He proposed with _here you go_ while standing upright…”

Wait.

Had Sugawara heard right?

“Uh, Oikawa, it’s really okay.” Sugawara insisted. “I’m more worried about him. Is he okay?”

Now wasn’t the time to inquire about the words that’d slipped passed Oikawa’s lips. For all he knew it could’ve been an intense game of Sims, or even a drunken proposal. Lord knows he’d done that enough times to his friends, who was to say Daichi hadn’t too?

“He’s… coping. Just barely, but I think we made some progress today.” Oikawa said, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “That’s why I’m here, actually.”

“Oh?”

“Y’know when your shift finishes?” Sugawara nodded. “We’re having a movie night tonight so I wanted to invite you, if you’re free. Me and Iwa-chan’ll be staying the night at Sawa-chan’s and if you wanna come too then I can get the spare futon from my place.”

“Uh, sure,” Sugawara accepted. Hearing that Daichi was struggling made him feel oddly hollow, he wanted to be there and make sure he was okay more than anything else at that moment. “A movie night sounds fun. Although I don’t wish to impose, so I think I’ll give sleeping over a miss this time.” He smiled.

“That’s okay, but I can hang round and give you a lift if you want? We can get the food on our way in.”

“Sure!” Sugawara watched Oikawa relax. It was funny, he’d thought the man was already relaxed by how his shoulders sloped, but he watched as Oikawa seemed to deflate further with relief. “I finish in two hours, is that okay?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.” Oikawa smiled, leaning on one of the display shelves. Sugawara watched him mull over what seemed like a question on his lips. Oikawa’s eyes flitting every which way and at every area of the room, smacking his lips together and facing the butterfly exhibit. “How did you get into butterflies?”

Sugawara admitted he wasn’t expecting _that_ question, but he had to answer honestly. “What’s not to love?” Oikawa’s eyebrows lifted slightly. “I mean, they’re really amazing! I love all the different shapes and sizes, and the colours! The fact that they literally turn to soup in their chrysalis stage,” his hands moved in front of him, claw-like and groping at an invisible ball in the air, “no central nervous system or anything, yet still they retain the memories from being a caterpillar. They’re amazing!”

“Omg are you serious? They just… soupify?”

Sugawara laughed at Oikawa’s disbelief. “Yeah! Soupify!” He ran his fingers through his hair. “Although I’ve told that to hundreds of kids and none of them have ever said it… quite like that.”

This time it was Oikawa’s turn to laugh. “A creative mind~”

“Something like that.”

“Hey!” Oikawa went quiet again, but only for a moment. “Do you have a favourite?”

Sugawara hummed in thought, he’d always receive the same question, but he could never give the same answer. There were so many, how could he choose?

“That’s such a hard question for me to answer, I haven’t actually got a _favourite_ type,” Sugawara explained. “Usually when I get that question I tell the person the butterfly I think they’ll like the most.”

“Ah, a fair-weather butterfly nerd~”

“No!” Sugawara laughed. “I just want them to go away with something they can love! So I pick the butterfly I think they’ll love the most and tell them about that one.”

“An _educational_ fair-weather butterfly nerd, then.”

“Sticks and stones, Oikawa.”

“Or glass.” He heard the other man snort.

“Oh my God.” Sugawara buried his face in his hands. “I’ll never get to live that down, glaucopsyche lygdamus palosverdesensis take me!”

“What—” Oikawa did a double take. “What the fuck was that?”

“Palos Verdes blue!”

“Is that… a butterfly?”

“Arguably the world’s rarest.”

“Don’t you swear in butterfly at me ever again or I’ll tell Sawa-chan your favourite isn’t the Monarch.” Sugawara could hear the teasing tone, but he’d just learned something new about Daichi.

“His favourite is the Monarch?”

Oikawa hummed. “When he used to work in the allotments, he’d see them all the time and there was this little old lady who taught him about them.” Then Oikawa smirked. “So if you want to weave your magic on him I suggest that’s where you start.”

“Thanks for the heads up!”

Sugawara found the last two hours of his shift went quicker while he had Oikawa following at his heel, asking questions about the butterflies in the exhibit, among other more _personal_ things.

“So… what about you?” Sugawara asked as they made their way down the stairs. Was Oikawa the friend Daichi had spoken about on their first apology coffee date?

“What do you mean?” Oikawa’s steps were light on the polished steps.

Had his partner really been abusive?

“Like, y’know, life?”

“Oh, I’ve been busy with work, like, super busy.” Oikawa sighed. “Thank goodness it’ll be mostly over in a little over a week, but Iwa-chan finally came home this morning and I can’t wait to get him alone.” Oikawa turned, grinning over his shoulder.

“Iwa-chan?”

“My boyfriend – we’ve been dating eight months but he’s spent a lot of time in Asia lately with work. So I can’t wait to get some quality time with him. But we need to take care of Sawa-chan first!”

“Is he really okay?” Sugawara asked as they finally reached the atrium, looking at Oikawa as he rummaged through his bag for his beanie.

He watched Oikawa wilt, wearing a pensive expression whilst biting the inside of his cheek. “I suppose I should tell you what to expect when we get to his apartment.”

“What do you mean? What’s going on?” Sugawara asked as they headed out towards a silver hatchback.

“He, uh, got in a fight,” Oikawa said, unlocking the car and tugging the driver’s side handle. “And he’s kinda ballooning in the facial area.”

“WHAT?!” Sugawara couldn’t believe his ears, mouth agape as he climbed into the passenger side. _Daichi_ got in a fight?

“Yeah, he, the other guy bust his face up pretty bad. Sawa-chan lost a tooth!”

“Shouldn’t he be at the hospital?”

“Nah, he’s fine.” Oikawa started the car, pulling out from the space. “He’d kill us if we took him there.”

“I see…”

The pair fell into silence, Sugawara watching the world go by, cast in orange glows from the streetlights, sky dark and sullen with low clouds and rain beginning to hit the windshield. A bus stop shelter caught his eye and he turned to read it through the window.

As they continued through the streets Sugawara saw more and more eye-catching posters fly past, the rain growing steadily heavier and smearing the windows with orange-hued droplets.

He turned to face Oikawa. “I love the new design for Ishimoto Kenta’s book.” He said, smiling.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I love the illustrator’s work, I love the novels too, but the art _really_ brings it all to life. When Daichi picked up the flier the other day I was so hopeful he liked Ishimoto Kenta too, but I never got the chance to talk to him about it.” Sugawara watched Oikawa’s expression falter.

“W—Well, he’s probably heard enough about it all from me,” Oikawa laughed, the expression of unease gone as fast as it came, leaving Sugawara wondering if it had even been there at all. “If you ever wanna talk about it, I’m more into it than Sawa-chan!”

“Oh yeah?” Sugawara grinned, gripping the seatbelt. “Do you talk his ear off or something?”

“In the design phases, yeah!” Oikawa laughed, keeping his eyes focused on the road. “I also get angry and steal all his Oreos.”

“Huh?” Sugawara was confused, remembering what Oikawa had said earlier about having more free time in a little over a week. It was ten days until the release date of Ishimoto Kenta’s new book.

No way did Oikawa work with Ishimoto Kenta.

No way.

“What sorta job do you do?”

“Illustrator.”

Sugawara’s head snapped to the left, hands groping respectively at the seat and the dashboard, looking at Oikawa with wide eyes.

“An illustrator… for Ishimoto Kenta?”

Oikawa hummed, looking at Sugawara with a grin and crinkled corners of his eyes before laughing.

“Yeah, look at those big rolls of paper in the back~”

Sugawara looked behind them, noticing the large stack of paper rolled up, he picked one up, peeling back the elastic tie and unravelling the A3 sized print.

Sure enough, there was a beautiful watercolour Milky Way galaxy painted across the paper, silhouettes of three people standing below the night sky, holding hands with the name _Ishimoto Kenta_ written in large off-white lettering beneath the silhouetted hill. Above them was the book title _Collide_ in cursive, the same colour as Ishimoto Kenta’s name.

“Is this…one of the rejected ones?” Sugawara asked, looking up at Oikawa.

“Yeah, that’s it.” Oikawa smiled, pulling into the restaurant’s drive thru. “What do you want?”

“I’m not fussy, just get me whatever’s spicy.” Sugawara took another roll from the back seat, opening it up while Oikawa began reciting a ridiculously large order without even needing to think. 

They collected the food and Sugawara found himself buried under a mass of takeout, watching the streets intently as they drove towards Daichi’s apartment, watching as the quieter suburban streets faded into bright inner-city lights, three storey buildings becoming ten storey, skyscrapers towering above them.

“Daichi never struck me as the type to live in the city…” He muttered, turning to look at Oikawa.

“Really?” Oikawa questioned, turning down a street and pulling up to a building that, at a quick count, had eleven floors. “He’s lived here since we finished university, so, like, five years? But he’s lived in the city for seven or eight.”

They pulled over and Oikawa spoke to a man at the barrier, the man disappearing into his booth before returning a few minutes later, the conversation continued and Oikawa reached over, Sugawara watching in mild bewilderment as he removed one of the takeout containers and gave it to the man. The barrier lifted and they were granted entry to the underground car park.

“I wouldn’t want that job…” Sugawara mumbled, watching the man getting drenched by the rain. They disappeared below ground, into the car park and Oikawa parked in the nearest free space.

“That’s why I get him some food, he’ll be working the night shift in the rain, and that booth isn’t too warm either.”

Sugawara looked at Oikawa. “It isn’t?”

“Nah, it’s barely big enough to keep him dry, the floor is concrete and there’s a tiny space heater under a little desk, but whenever we get wet weather? The floor gets wet and he won’t risk using the heater.”

“That’s so… sad? I dunno, like, you’d expect somewhere so posh to have a better standard for their employees.” Sugawara said, rolling the paper back up and securing them tightly again.

“At this point the tenants have all kinda adopted the guards,” Oikawa laughed. “But I have a soft spot for him – all the others are pretty handsome so of course they get attention off the lady tenants, but not him.”

Sugawara looked back at the man. Undeniably cute, but not societally handsome, of course he’d be the least popular, but he decided to drop the conversation there, changing it to something else. 

“Wow, I’m actually kinda nervous to be going to Daichi’s apartment.”

“Don’t be, Suga-chan~” Oikawa cooed, climbing out the car and going around the front to help Sugawara get out with the food.

They shared up the load and headed to the elevator. “Oh wow,” Sugawara began, looking up at the speaker. “They don’t have shitty elevator music?”

“Nope~” Oikawa grinned, pressing the button for the tenth floor. “They play actual music.”

Sugawara watched the LED number climb as the lift covered each floor, eventually reaching the tenth floor and being floored by just the corridor.

Eggshell striped vinyl wallpapered walls with intricately carved white oak panelling beneath the dado rail, frosted maize coloured sconces on every wall light, adding a soft glow to the corridor.

Oikawa led him down the hall and to a door towards the end, knocking and standing back. Moments later the door was opened by a man Sugawara had never seen before, short spiky hair and hazel-green eyes. Those eyes met his immediately, rolling over him in mild curiosity.

“Is he okay, Iwa-chan?” Oikawa asked, a gentle touch that was a bare ghost of his fingertips on his chest moving the man so they could go inside.

Oh, so this was _Iwa-chan_ , Sugawara looked between the pair, his eyes then landing on the apartment interior and leaving him slack jawed until his attention was pulled back to the pair.

“He’s okay, been in his room since you left.” The hazel-green eyes were back on him and a hand was offered. “Iwaizumi Hajime.”

Sugawara shifted the take-out bag to one arm. “Sugawara Koushi, but just call me Suga.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Suga,” Iwaizumi smiled, taking the take-out bag from Sugawara’s arms. “Wanna come sit down? Shittykawa go and get Sawamura.”

“Ugh, I’m hungry though.”

“So? You’ve not been at work all day.” Iwaizumi argued, taking the bags of food to the kitchenette and beginning to unpack. “Coming, Suga?”

“Uh, sure, but I really don’t mind going to get Daichi if you want, which room is his?”

“Oh Suga-chan, you’re an angel~” Oikawa cooed, pulling the sofa out into the sofa bed and sitting down while Iwaizumi served up the food. “His room is that one.” Oikawa pointed to the middle door.

Sugawara felt his heart pick up pace as he moved toward Daichi’s bedroom door, knocking quietly and waiting for the soft _come in_ before peeking inside.

Soft music was playing in the room and Daichi was sat cross-legged on the bed, pictures spread out along the bedsheets. He didn’t look up as Sugawara opened the door.

Sugawara took the moment to look at the other man’s face, swollen and bruised and he felt a painful twist in his chest.

“Oikawa, do you think—”

“Uh, I’m gonna stop you right there,” Sugawara spoke quickly, not wanting to possibly be privy to something that didn’t concern anyone other than Daichi and Oikawa. “It’s not Oikawa.” As he spoke the last few words Daichi’s head shot up.

“Suga?”

“Uh, yeah, hey Daichi,” he smiled, looking away when he saw Daichi gathering up the photographs. “You want some help?”

“N—No, that’s fine, uh, what are you doing here?” Daichi looked like a deer in headlights, eyes wide and alert. “N—Not that I’m not happy to see you. I’m just surprised…”

“Sorry… it was Oikawa… he came to my work and invited me to movie night.” Sugawara waited until the photographs were away before approaching, noticing just how dark the bruising on Daichi’s face was, the swelling around his mouth and his injured knuckles. “Um… good surprise? Or bad…?” He looked to the floor.

Daichi was silent for a moment and Sugawara filled with dread.

_Bad._

“Good… I just, I’m sorry for blanking you these last few days.” Daichi stood, Sugawara never more thankful for him to be standing in front of him.

“It’s okay, I’m just glad you’re okay.” Sugawara smiled, bringing his hand down to rest on Daichi’s forearm. “Food?”

Daichi smiled. “Food.”

Sugawara walked outside with Daichi, listening as the bedroom door was closed behind them. Sugawara saw a beanbag seat on the floor by the coffee table, instantly lighting up and jumping down onto it with a satisfying sound of polystyrene balls crushing together and air escaping.

Then he heard a gasp of a laugh from Oikawa. “Suga-chan you just burst it!”

“What?” Sugawara twisted and sure enough the floor was littered with small white balls that’d previously filled the beanbag chair. “Oh my God Daichi.” It was Sugawara’s turn to look like a deer in headlights, although he was trying with all his might not to burst into laughter. “I’m so sorry!”

He watched as Daichi took one look at the mess before folding, a snicker escaping his lips followed by the most genuine laugh Sugawara had ever heard from the other man. He never wanted it to end. The sound was infectious, soon Oikawa, Iwaizumi, and Sugawara – once his initial shock had worn off – all joined in.

Iwaizumi brought the food over from the kitchen as Daichi sat down in the threadbare arm chair beside the now burst beanbag seat. Iwaizumi took the remaining seat beside Oikawa on the sofa bed, who then pressed the _play_ button on the remote, starting the first movie of the night.

Sugawara settled in his seat, picking at the salt and peppered chicken legs on his plate and relishing in the spicy flavours, he had to give Oikawa props for the choice of food, although he didn’t like how messy picking from the bone was.

By the time he was nearly finished he heard the clatter of cutlery on a plate and in the corner of his eye saw Daichi leaning over to the coffee table to put his dishes down. His eyes flickered to the movie just in time to see the dancer run out to his friend, hands splaying out on the friend’s back and pushing him out of the path of the falling stage truss, being crushed himself.

His breath caught on an inhale at the scene, breaking into a screech as he felt a hand tug on the collar of his work shirt, and what must’ve been hundreds of static fuelled polystyrene balls tickling down his spine and clinging to his skin.

“Daichi!” He reached around himself, trying to grip at the hands that were no longer there, breaking into laughter as he felt the knobbly substance fall further down his back and shirt. Suddenly the hands were back, a second attack and even more polystyrene leaving Sugawara breathless with laughter as he hunched his shoulders and threw his head back. “Noooo!”

“What? You made the mess.” Daichi laughed. “And I’m tidying it up!”

“Ah— sonova—” Sugawara was laughing too hard to finish his sentence, batting at Daichi’s hands. “It’s in my fooood!”

“Is it rice or polystyrene? Who knows.” Daichi was laughing too, reclining in his seat and watching Sugawara continue to squirm.

“Danaus plexippus!!” Sugawara cursed.

“Ey! Some of us are actually trying to watch the movie!” Oikawa crowed, throwing a fist-sized bundle at them, the item bouncing off Daichi’s head. “And I swear to God if that was a Goddamn butterfly swear again I’ll—”

“My favourite butterfly is the monarch!” Sugawara shouted over Oikawa, not giving him the chance to carry out his earlier threat. “I love how the ones that fly over Lake Superior still think there’s a mountain there and randomly travel five miles West before going back South!” He reached for the bundle, realising they were socks. “OhmiGawd they’re sweaty!” He launched them back at Oikawa, hitting him in the face.

“Son of a bitch!”

Sugawara cackled loudly, banter continuing between the group, eventually quieting down to watch the young dancer learn to dance again and navigate through trauma and love.

Finally, the first movie ended. “Let’s watch a fun one to lighten the mood after that angst fest!” Oikawa spoke loudly, Sugawara knew it was to hide his upset at the first movie, despite the happy ending it’d been emotionally charged throughout.

“I know!” Sugawara exclaimed, reaching for the television remote and feeling the polystyrene beads jostle in his shirt. “Nngh, I hate you.” He scowled at Daichi, his tone light as he scrolled through the movie selection for one movie in particular.

He pressed _play_ , settling back in his now considerably flatter seat. His eyes drifted over to the couple on the sofa bed as Oikawa unfurled the navy and orange woollen blanket and wrapped it around themselves, settling into Iwaizumi’s side.

The other man looked no better, eyes drooping in the darkened room and Sugawara knew they probably wouldn’t last the whole movie.

He was right.

By eleven p.m. they were both sleeping, a soft snore passing Oikawa’s lips with each breath.

“Well, there goes my ride home.”

“You weren’t going to stay?” Daichi asked, peering at Sugawara curiously.

“Nah, I came straight from work so I don’t actually have anything to stay in, besides, I wouldn’t wish to impose.”

“Who would you be imposing on?”

All Sugawara could do was shrug, he wasn’t about to tell Daichi that he didn’t want to impose on _him_ , because he knew the man would deny it, even if it was a lie.

“Stay the night.” Daichi insisted, shrugging it off as he lifted himself from the chair and picked up the plates as quietly as he could, moving them into the kitchen. “You can borrow some of my clothes so you don’t crease your uniform.”

“But… where would I stay?”

“My bed.”

“Then where would you stay?”

“The floor.” Daichi shrugged with a carefree smile. “Or the chair.”

“No way, I can’t do that, I’d feel so guilty.” Sugawara got up, following Daichi to the kitchen and continuing their conversation there rather than calling over the sleeping couple.

“I’m not letting you go home in the rain this late.” Daichi said matter-of-factly, washing the four plates.

“Okay, well what if we share?” Sugawara huffed, he really didn’t mind sharing with Daichi, he just hoped the new surroundings would keep his lack of lucidity habit at bay. Although knowing sod’s law it’d be the opposite. He watched brief panic flit across Daichi’s features. “Like top and tail, y’know?” Daichi relaxed.

Good.

He picked up the tea towel, beginning to dry off the dishes.

“Sure, topping and tailing sounds fine, I haven’t done it since I was, like, eight, but it sounds like fun.”

Sugawara smiled, drying off the remaining dishes. “Great, then I’d love to stay.”

“Then should we get an early night?”

“Yeah, I’m up at four tomorrow.”

“I’ll wake up at three, probably.”

“Then yeah, we should definitely get sleep.”

“Let’s go.” Daichi said, reaching for the remote and turning off the television before taking Sugawara through to his room.

Daichi fished out some clothes for Sugawara, excusing himself to get changed in the bathroom. Sugawara was slightly disappointed, he’d wanted to get changed in the same room as Daichi, but now he was free to sabotage the other man.

He worked out which side was Daichi’s deducing from the state of the bedside that he stayed on the right side of the bed. He pulled back the covers and stood on the mattress, unbuttoning his shirt and letting the polystyrene balls fall out onto the mattress topper. He jumped down and with a grin he covered his crime and finished changing, hanging his work uniform up on the hanger Daichi had provided.

Sugawara set up a pillow at the foot of the left side of the bed, climbing under the soft navy coloured duvet and settling down for the night, he found it odd how one side of the bed was hardly touched, he had a double bed to himself and he made sure to spread out as much as he could; starfish.

Daichi entered minutes later, eyes meeting Sugawara’s. “Ready?” His hand slipped along the wall to the light switch, waiting for Sugawara’s confirmation before shutting off the light.

Sugawara was glad it was dark enough to hide his grin, hearing the shuffle of feet and the rustle of the duvet as Daichi climbed under it.

A tired exhale.

The sound of tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable.

The sound of failing to do so.

Silence before the sound of Daichi exhaling heavily through his nose.

“Suga,” he could hear Daichi’s expression of acceptance in his tone. “Did you put the polystyrene balls in my bed?”

“Only on your half.” Sugawara could hardly contain his quiet snickering giggle.

Daichi sighed again. “Alright.” He heard a smile this time. “Fair play.”

“Congrats, you played yourself.”

This time he heard Daichi’s soft scoff of a laugh, “Goodnight, Suga.”

“Night~” Sugawara rolled onto his side.

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning saw Daichi waking to a constriction around his legs.

It took his a few seconds to blink away his tiredness, the fog from his mind. But once he had he realised the sensation was in fact a pair of arms.

Sugawara Koushi’s arms.

He looked at the still sleeping man, heart racing in his chest as he watched the nest of silver hair stir just slightly. He looked to the clock on his bedside, noting the time.

_04:00AM_

He should probably wake Sugawara up now.

Daichi sat up, reaching down the bed to gently nudge at Sugawara, earning a groan of protest from the other man. He felt a stir of affection in his chest, smiling softly to himself as he tried again, nudging Sugawara’s arm above the duvet.

“Suga,” he whispered as he did so. “It’s four.”

That seemed to finally rouse Sugawara who sat up, the duvet slipping away from his body.

Oh.

_Oh._

It seemed Sugawara noticed too, because as he stretched – a quiet _mornin’_ muttered under a yawn – he paused, noticing the state of his own undress.

              “Ah,” he floundered for a moment. “I—When did I get naked?” He laughed nervously, looking down at himself.

              “I—I’m not sure.” Daichi responded, his face feeling hot with embarrassment.

Sugawara looked under the covers and Daichi could see the sigh of relief that left his body.

“Okay, I just need a shirt.”

Daichi nodded, for lack of anything better to say, looking around in hopes of finding Sugawara’s – his – discarded shirt.

Sugawara looked on his side of the bed, noticing the clothing on the floor and reaching for it and putting it on. “I should get dressed,” Sugawara said, climbing out of the bed and Daichi had to stop himself staring at how his shirt hung from Sugawara’s body, looking away for Sugawara’s sake and his own. “Can I use your bathroom?”

“Sure, the ensuite is there.” Daichi pointed.

However, Daichi chose the wrong time to chance a glance at the other man, catching Sugawara as he bent down to pick up his shoes and seeing the gentle slope of his back and roundness of his ass.

_Candy cane?_

No pants.

_No pants._

And stripy underwear.

Pink and white stripy underwear.

_Fuck._

Sugawara left the room with his clothes in his hands, heading into the ensuite to get ready.

Daichi willed his heart to slow down, taking some steadying breaths before looking at the closed ensuite door, a sudden urge overriding everything else.

His heart rate sped up again and he kept his eyes trained on the door, every passing minute and agonising wait for Sugawara to open the door. Finally, he did, and Daichi suddenly found himself unable to talk as he saw Sugawara’s slightly rumpled, still tired, figure in the doorway.

He forced his voice from its confines in his throat. “Suga.” It came out like a strangled gasp, but it attracted Sugawara’s attention nonetheless, he forced the rest of his question from his lips, watching Sugawara’s eyebrows arch. “Fi—five a.m. ma—mates date?”

Sugawara’s expression relaxed from surprise into a contented smile. “Coffee?”

“And a cooked breakfast. On me.”

“ _On_ you? Sign me the fuck up.” Sugawara joked, and although Daichi still felt the pang of guilt and fear at the proclamation he found himself able to laugh with the other man.

“No, but I think I can get it in a boot for you.”

“Ooooh,” Sugawara cooed. “Boot bacon.”

Daichi laughed again. “Boot bacon.”

“Sure.” Sugawara moved to flick away a piece of flyaway hair, only to grow baffled as to what side it was supposed to go on. “I’d like that.” He smiled.

“Me too.” Daichi returned the smile. “I’ll get dressed now.”


	5. The Beginning of Singularity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sawa-chan! You’re wearing that jumper!”
> 
> Shit.
> 
> He was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood music for this chapter:  
> [Breaking Down by DAY6](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QmBaZKYEXN8)  
> [When You Love Someone by DAY6](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWQ1xOfUNYQ)  
> [Adore by Jasmine Thompson](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fyG9La0PAsM)

Daichi would’ve been lying if he said he wasn’t nervous. He would’ve been lying out his ass if he said that.

But he refused to admit to anyone that he was anything other than ready.

He’d come too far to be anything else.

He looked at himself in the mirror, the swelling and bruising on his face had since gone down, the scab from Sugawara’s glassing now fully healed aside from the pale marring on his skin. Fixing his tie for what felt like the millionth time that morning, Daichi inwardly cursed himself and his outfit choice. Was the knot too small? It was off centre. Now the knot was too big.

Eventually he gave up, tugging the tie from around his neck, undoing the top button, and fixing his shirt collar with a huff. He was going on radio, no one outside the studio would see how he dressed.

But still...

He heard the horn of Oikawa’s car outside, glancing over himself one last time and deciding he needed _something_ to cover his shirt.

A jumper.

He had that mauve jumper in his room.

Daichi went to his bedroom, quickly finding the jumper and slipping into the warm fabric as he made his way to his apartment door. He grabbed his phone and his keys, noting the blue flash indicating a message.

_[[Suga: hey! U up for coffee???]]_

Daichi felt a pang of guilt, waiting until he was in the elevator to respond.

_[[Daichi: Sorry suga, cant today, raincheck?]]_

He felt even more guilt at the fact he was still lying to the other man. They’d been seeing each other like clockwork, but now he was going to be too busy without a solid explanation to give and it infuriated him to no end.

He tucked his phone in his pants pocket and felt it buzz as he left the lift, heading through the lobby and out into the increasingly cold autumn air.

His eyes found Oikawa’s silver car in the pick-up zone, and he headed over and climbed into the passenger seat.

He heard the radio before he even sat down.

_Ishimoto Kenta’s new book, Collide, goes on sale today and we’ll have the man himself here shortly! Tune in for that at ten a.m.!_

His stomach hit the floor as he fastened his seatbelt.

“Sawa-chan! You’re wearing _that_ jumper!”

Shit.

He was.

Why did Oikawa have to notice? To point it out?

“It looks good on you.” Oikawa smiled, reaching across the gear stick to pick off some loose thread from Daichi’s clavicle. “I’m proud of you, y’know that right? Iwa-chan is too.”

He was still smiling, and Daichi felt his heart rate ease slightly. “Yeah, thanks.” He closed his eyes to stop the sting of the tears welling up, a gentle, genuine smile on his lips. “We’ve pulled it off. Thank you for everything, partner.” He wrapped his arms around Oikawa, who returned the embrace.

They both took a deep inhale before parting, Oikawa’s hands coming to rest on the steering wheel and he looked at Daichi. “Ready?”

Daichi buckled up.

“Ready.”

On their way to the radio station’s studio they passed many bookshops from chain stores to small family businesses. All had signs and posters in their windows and written on chalkboards outside the stores.

Daichi watched people entering and leaving the shops, holding bags with shop names and all holding roughly the same sized package.

They passed the museum and the gardens, the early morning sunlight casting a shadow of gold over the city, over the museum dome, over the tops of light and fluffy clouds. Daichi sighed in contentment as they passed the great hall, the theatre, even Papillion Publishing House. They pulled into the underground car park below the shopping complex and Oikawa paid for the parking before they headed up above ground and through the early morning commuters and into the radio tower.

Daichi remembered the first time he’d been there a little over three years ago, signing in at the desk _Ishimoto Kenta_ , Oikawa following suit with his real name. They waited only minutes before the lift dinged and the manager exited from it with a blinding exuberance that was far too bright for that early in the morning.

“Welcome to Radio City!” The studio manager greeted, walking over and shaking both their hands before ushering them towards the lift. “We’re incredibly excited to have you back, Ishimoto, Oikawa, I trust you’re both well?”

“It’s great to be back Watanabe,” Daichi returned. “And it’s been a busy few months, but we’re both well, thank you. Yourself?”

“Ah, I’m very well, thank you for asking!”

The lift continued upwards and the conversation remained light. The trio finally exited and Daichi was floored by the view from the observation deck almost one-hundred and forty metres from ground level. From this height he could see a soft mist embracing the city, rolling out towards the docks, the sun now high enough for the sky to just be a vast expanse of blue, an endless atmospheric ocean with small, medium-level clouds and high wisps above them.

“It never gets any less breath-taking…” Daichi said, approaching the ceiling to floor window and watching the bustling city below. He looked to the museum, seeing the beginnings of the green house Sugawara had spoken about.

“It’s truly amazing,” Oikawa said, coming to stand beside him. “Although looking down makes me nauseous.” He laughed, resting his hand on Daichi’s shoulder and silently encouraging him forward.

“This way, gents.” Watanabe smiled, leading them to a set of double doors and pushing through.

Daichi’s nerves spiked when he saw all of the equipment in the studio, the set up with the presenters and DJs. He took a deep breath, walking into the room and confidently sitting where he was directed, Oikawa taking his seat beside him.

“Can I interest either of you in a drink?”

“I’m fine thank you,” Daichi breathed. He looked at Oikawa and Oikawa also politely declined the offer. “We’re both fine thank you.”

A song began to play before the two presenters turned to them, removing their headphones and reaching across the console to greet them.

“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you both, Ishimoto, Oikawa!” The smaller of the two greeted, spritely and shaking both their hands with both of his own. “I’m a huge fan of your work, like,” Daichi wondered if the man ever paused for breath, “your other work, _You And I,_ gave me the confidence to confess to my crush and it’s nearing our third-year anniversary now!” Wait, what? His first book did that… his second book destroyed his own relationship. “I can’t wait to read _Collide_ tonight.”

“Nishinoya,” the dark-haired man warned. “Sit down before you spill your coffee on the console again.”

“But Chikara!”

“No buts, sit down.” He, too, reached over, but his height meant he wasn’t in immediate risk of knocking his drink onto the expensive looking equipment. He shook both their hands in kind. “Ennoshita Chikara, it’s a pleasure to see you again Ishimoto, Oikawa.”

“The pleasure’s ours, thank you for having us back on the show.” Daichi said with a smile.

“You’re back in… twenty.” Watanabe directed, and Daichi watched the two presenters change demeanour, the headphones taking their place.

Daichi and Oikawa then both saw the headphones in front of them, Watanabe gesturing for them to put them on while they waited for the final five second countdown. Daichi took a deep breath, placing the large muffs over his ears and he felt a reassuring squeeze on his hand from Oikawa, then a smile as he donned his own headphones.

Five…

Four…

Three…

Two…

“And you’re live.” Watanabe said, the song fading into silence and the red _live_ sign blooming into life.

Nishinoya began his speech, “Welcome back! You’re with Nishinoya Yuu and Ennoshita Chikara on the ten o’clock show at Radio City and we’re now joined by Ishimoto Kenta and Oikawa Tooru on the day of _Collide_ , their second novel’s, release! It’s great to have you here, gentlemen, I trust you’re both doing well?”

“We’re both doing great, thanks.” Daichi spoke with a smile, willing himself to calm down. “Really excited for the book release today.”

“I’m sure you are, and I’m sure there’s many people across the city and the country who share the sentiment.” Ennoshita commented, looking down at his question sheet. “I have to ask, Ishimoto, did you have any idea your novels would become such a hit?”

Daichi stammered just slightly, “Well, uh, no? I mean, I never expected the type of reception _You And I_ received. I can only hope the second book lives up to expectations and the hype that seems to have followed the announcement a month ago.”

“Of course, your first book is now in several different languages and you have a world-wide following beginning to emerge. Is it likely the second book will also get translations?”

“It’s definitely something we’re looking into,” Daichi confirmed. “It’ll probably be explored further over the next few weeks. I hope I can give my international fans something to look forward to,” Daichi said with a smile, beginning to settle.

“What was your inspiration for your novels?” Nishinoya asked, leaning over the paper Ennoshita had in front of him.

“Well,” Daichi looked to Oikawa. “A lot of it is purely things that Oikawa and I have come up with ourselves, but inspiration for characters come from people we’ve met. During the early design phase we spent a lot of time people watching.”

Oikawa hummed in agreement. “We spend a lot of time watching our friends and picking up on mannerisms that we can use for characters.”

“So, does that mean there’s an inspiration for the love interest?” Nishinoya’s eyes bore into Daichi’s.

Daichi gulped. “N—no, there’s no one.”

“Really? Your Wikipedia page says you’re engaged, no inspiration from her?”

Daichi opened his mouth to reply, his chest feeling tight and stomach lurching. “No, I—”

“Ishi-chan’s Wiki page has obviously been hacked, he’s not the one who’s engaged. I am. And when the love interest’s design was conceived I hadn’t met my fiancé yet.” Oikawa spoke fluidly, his lie flowing as naturally as the truth. Daichi was grateful to have his support, even if Iwaizumi was probably going to kill them later.

Ennoshita coughed into his fist, excusing himself before looking to his paper. “Do you have any more novels planned?”

There it was, the million-dollar question.

“There have been some speculation that the titles will come together to make a phrase, can you confirm or deny this?” The smaller presenter asked.

Daichi had prepared for this question: _no, there won’t be any more novels after this one._

“Who knows? I won’t be confirming nor denying those claims.” Daichi smiled, watching Oikawa tense in his peripheral vision.

Before Iwaizumi killed them both Oikawa would definitely be killing him first.

The interview carried on for another half hour, the questions becoming more relaxed, Daichi’s answers following suit, more discussion and light-hearted banter passing between the four men. Before Daichi knew it, they were finished, outside and heading back to the car.

His body grew cold and only then did he notice just how much he’d been sweating with anxiety.

Oikawa pulled on the driver’s side door, slipping inside with Daichi beside him. He held the steering wheel with a white-knuckled grip, looking straight ahead.

“Iwa-chan is gonna kill me.”

All Daichi could do was reply solemnly, “Most likely.”

“Eight months isn’t exactly an appropriate passage of time before engagement, is it?”

“It’s not a socially acceptable one, no.”

“And neither is being gay.”

“You kept it vague enough, nobody will find out.” Daichi said, resting his hand on Oikawa’s shoulder for support. “Besides, you’re my partner.”

“That’s why this is bad, Sawa-chan! We could start getting blacklisted due to _conflicting interests_ ,” he spoke the words with venom in his tone. “It’s not just my job on the line, it’s yours, it’s Iwa-chan’s too!”

“Like hell I’ll let people start to blacklist you, I’ll just start pumping out more novels.” Daichi scowled. “We’ll go independent and Iwaizumi can be _our_ translator.”

“And what if—” Oikawa cut dead. “That’s another thing! You just… you told me you weren’t gonna do any more stories!”

“Yeah, and do you think that’ll go down well in the fandom? It’s better to keep things vague.” Daichi argued.

“I—”

Daichi’s phone began to vibrate in his pocket, he shushed Oikawa and saw Takeda’s number lighting up the screen as he removed it from his pocket.

“Ah…” Daichi answered, putting the caller on speaker. “Hello?”

_“Ishimoto!”_ Uh oh, that wasn’t good. Takeda only ever used his pseudonym if he was in the presence of people who didn’t know. _“I see your interview has just finished, could you please stop by the office? We have some reporters from the local paper to see you.”_

“Sure, Oikawa and I are on our way now,” Daichi confirmed, motioning to Oikawa to start driving. “We’ll see you soon.”

The call ended and Daichi sighed tiredly. Of course they had more interviews.

He briefly noticed the messages off Sugawara, promising himself to reply later that day, and tucked his phone away into his pocket once more.

He fiddled with the radio dial.

Today was going to be a long day.

 

* * *

 

 

It was close to ten p.m. by the time Daichi finally settled in a hot bath.

After the interviews came a meeting, and then _another_ meeting, followed by a celebratory meal and drinks that’d lasted way long than he’d wanted, but he was grateful for the distraction, nonetheless.

There’d been a fire downtown and he and Oikawa had ended up watching the media coverage like hawks, knowing their friends would be in there. But a message from Hanamaki confirming both his and Matsukawa’s safety had relieved their worry.

By the time he’d arrived home, he’d done something he rarely did and ran himself a bath.

He took his favourite novel and his phone with him, noticing more messages from Sugawara, and his stomach rolled with guilt.

_[[Suga: **24 unread messages.**_

_kk, np_ _😊_

_Omg I just saw a bird that looked like it was gonna eat me_

_A caterpillar went into its chrysalis stage today!!!!_

_{{Image attached.}}_

_Im excited for it to emerge it’s a rare one!_

_…]]_

He should text him.

No— He should call him and explain that things were going to be busy and that he wouldn’t have much free time anymore.

Daichi pressed call, submerging his legs in the water to warm his cold knees, and putting Sugawara on speaker.

_“Hello? Daichi?”_ He sounded concerned, answering after only the second ring. _“Is everything okay?”_

“Ah… yeah.” He felt _really_ guilty now. “I’ve just been really busy today but I have a minute now so I thought I’d give you a call.”

_“Oh!”_ He could hear Sugawara’s smile through the phone. _“Well I’m glad you called, what have you been doing?”_

Daichi smiled to himself, leaning his elbow on the side of the bath and resting his head on his fist. “Just some stuff, helping Oikawa and running errands that turned out to be more hassle than necessary.”

“ _Wow, sounds rough_.” Sugawara’s voice was soft, sleepy. “ _Make sure you rest_.” Daichi could hear how he bit back a yawn. “ _We can always meet up when you’re free_.”

“Well… that’s going to be difficult,” Daichi explained, tone apologetic, reluctant to tell Sugawara about his busy schedule, wishing that denying it would get rid of it. “I’m gonna be busy for a while and I don’t know when it’ll end. It could be a few days or it could be a few weeks.”

“ _Oh…_ ” He could hear the disappointment in the other man’s voice.

“But that doesn’t mean I won’t have the odd day off!” He said, he didn’t want Sugawara to be sad. “I can find time, maybe a few more five a.m. mates dates are on the cards?”

Daichi bit the inside of his lip, he was going to be so tired adding five a.m. dates to his packed schedule.

But Sugawara was worth it.

He shifted in the bath, watching the colourful mess left behind by one of Oikawa’s bathbombs swirl around the movement.

“ _Oh_ ,” Sugawara perked up slightly. “ _Are you sure? I mean—wait, what’s that noise_?"

“What noise?”

“ _Water? I think_?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m in the bath.” The other end of the line went quiet. “Suga?”

“ _Oh, uh, sorry_ ,” Sugawara apologised. “ _Are you singing Africa by Toto_?”

“No?” Daichi laughed. “Why would I be?”

“ _It’s a reference to a TV show_ ,” Sugawara laughed loudly. “ _There’s a guy in a bubble bath and he sings along to Toto… it’s no fun when I gotta explain it, I’ll send it to you later_.”

“Alright, I look forward to it,” Daichi smiled to himself. “How are you?”

“ _I’m just super tired, at this point all the butterflies are merging into one and I’m ninety-nine percent sure Tetsurou’s partner is gonna try to take them on in a boss fight_.”

Daichi chuckled. “A gamer?”

“ _Oh you have no idea_ ,” Sugawara’s voice lifted at the end, a giddy sound that had Daichi smiling to himself. “ _I love him but damn, he doesn’t half get competitive. One time he almost broke up with Tetsurou because he made him lose his streak when he kissed him_.”

Daichi couldn’t bite back his laugh, the sound triggering a bout of giggles from the other side of the phone. “Oh man, he sounds like a riot.”

“ _Kenma’s great_ ,” Sugawara confirmed, the sound of covers rustling catching Daichi’s attention. “ _Oh! That reminds me, Tetsurou’s birthday is the seventeenth of next month. We’re going camping if you wanna come? He’s invited you_.”

Daichi paused. They wanted him to come?

_Run._

_Run._

“Sure, I’ll make sure I’m free that day.” He smiled at the sound Sugawara made. “I haven’t been camping in a long time.”

“ _Well it’s gonna be fun! We’re gonna go to the riverside. There’s a quiet part by the estuary bridge_ ,” Sugawara yawned. “ _We’re gonna do fireworks and stuff. Ever played conkers_?”

“Conkers?”

“ _You get the conkers from the conker trees_.” He heard the other man stifle yet another yawn. “ _Dammit, what are they called?_ ”

“Horse chestnut trees?”

“ _Yes_!” Sugawara’s voice was low, thick with sleep and Daichi heard a quiet groan. “ _Y’get the conkers and, like, get some string and put it through them, then you hit each other’s conker until it breaks. But—_ ” Sugawara failed to stifle the next yawn. “ _But y’can get what’sitcalled, thingy-o, you can cheat! With vinegar, or nail varnish, or by cooking them_.” Another yawn.

Daichi smiled, feeling a swell of affection. “That sounds like fun. You’ll have to teach me how to do it before we go. But now you should get some sleep, you sound exhausted.”

Silence.

“Suga?” He said softly.

No reply.

Daichi listened for several more seconds, finally smiling to himself when he heard the sound of heavy, even breathing.

He’d fallen asleep.

_Cute._

Daichi ended the call, finishing off in the bath and getting a quick body wash in the shower. He got dried and dressed before heading into his bedroom.

His body felt heavy and warm, muscles relaxed, and he fell face first onto is bed, shuffling into position and huffing when he felt it.

Of course.

He’d be finding polystyrene balls for what would probably be months.

He’d washed his bedding twice since Sugawara had slept over and he was still finding the odd polystyrene ball when he least expected it, he picked at the white stuffing and flicked it out of his bed before shimmying under the covers.

He heard a loud bang on his window, a second, more metallic bang moments later, jolting him from near-sleep and sending his heart racing.

What was that?

The next sound was a strangled bird call. An injured bird?

He listened for the sound of a cat. Despite being on the tenth floor, it wasn’t uncommon to find the cat that belonged to the neighbour below him on his fire escape outside his bedroom window.

But all he heard was the strangled caw again.

A crow?

He lifted his duvet, climbed out, and padded over to his window. He opened the curtains and peered outside, spotting a young crow on the fire escape landing outside his room.

At first, he couldn’t see anything wrong with it, but then it tried to take off, one wing refusing to lift.

Oh.

He opened the sash window, the bird’s head snapping to look at him before it cawed again and tried to fly away, unable to even lift up from the fire escape.

It’d die if it was left out there. Either his neighbour’s cat, or starvation, or the cold, or the drop.

He couldn’t let that happen.

“Hey… little guy, come here…” He leaned out the window, offering the bird his hand, and it tried to flee farther away, cawing loudly at Daichi in warning. “Nonono, don’t do that.” He backed off.

What should he do?

Call someone?

Nowhere would be open this late at night…

But he couldn’t just leave it either. He watched the black bundle of feathers puff up defensively, shivering in the cold autumn night.

He could try and get it inside until somewhere was open, but how?

He worried his lip between his teeth, going to his bed and reaching for his phone. He sat down on the edge of the mattress and Googled how to coax an injured bird inside.

The first attempt was with seeds. Luckily he’d bought sunflower seeds to plant but hadn’t gotten around to doing it yet. He opened the pack and sprinkled some over the fire escape, wanting to see if the crow would at least let him feed it from a distance.

He quickly began to realise that if Oikawa had a spirit animal, this would be it. The crow turned its beak up at everything Daichi offered.

Finicky or stubborn, he wasn’t sure, but the more he watched it the more he realised it was probably both.

He refined his Google search this time, specifically looking for information on crows.

“Raw meat…” He went to his fridge, looking for the mincemeat he’d bought the day before.

He retrieved two vinyl gloves from the drawer beside the stove, slipping them on and taking the meat to his bedroom. He opened the container, breaking some of the minced beef and throwing it out to the crow.

It watched him warily for a few moments before taking the meat.

Daichi grinned, throwing some more out and finding less and less resistance. His confidence grew, leaving some of the raw meat in his palm and offering it to the bird. Its movement was tentative, but it snatched the meat before backing away again.

Progress.

Slowly but surely, progress.

Much like himself.

 

* * *

 

 

“Okay, so, close your eyes.” Daichi said, boyish grin in place as Sugawara closed his eyes, he felt two warm hands take his own, guiding him through Daichi’s apartment.

“This feels very ominous, Daichi…”

“It’s not! I promise, I just need to show you something.”

Sugawara followed Daichi, listening for any kind of giveaway as to what he wanted to show him. Finally they came to a stop, Daichi turning him to his right and telling him to open his eyes.

“It’s… your wardrobe?”

“Yes but take a look at this!”

Sugawara watched the other man open his wardrobe door, a messy nest of blankets on one of the shelves.

“Uh, Daichi.” Something moved in the wrap of fabric, a bundle of black feathers. “There’s a crow in your closet.”

“Yeah! This is Edgar Allan Crow.” Daichi’s lips split wide and Sugawara couldn’t believe the pun had actually passed his lips.

“You have a pet crow? Since when?”

Sugawara watched as Daichi reached inside and removed the bird—oh, it was wearing a jumper?

“Is that a jumper? Omfg Daichi you fucking saint, look at him! All snuggy warm in his little jumper.”

“It’s the sleeve of my old jumper – the vet said his wing was broken so I needed to wrap it some way, so Edgar now has a jumper.”

“That’s so fucking cute, what the hell.” Sugawara was at a loss for better words, barely containing a squeal of excitement and affection. He wasn’t sure who the affection was directed towards either. They were both cute.

Something about Daichi had changed and it was startlingly endearing and equally flooring. It made Sugawara feel things he’d never felt before. Nervous flutters and giddy emotions, he always felt himself growing embarrassed when he made excited noises he’d _never_ made before Daichi.

But he also didn’t care.

There was something about Daichi that made Sugawara feel something he’d never experienced… or maybe he had, a long time ago when he was still far too young to understand what it meant, wistful sighs and immaturity that got him into trouble with older lovers, that turned his expectations sour and turned him into a cynic looking for nothing more than shallow love. That’s all love was anyway, right?

“I found him on my fire escape four – five? –  nights ago and I spent the whole night trying to coax him inside. But now he kinda won’t leave my closet.” Daichi laughed awkwardly, the sound making Sugawara’s stomach flutter.

“That’s amazing… are you gonna keep him?” Sugawara watched the bird latch onto Daichi’s shirt and make its way up his arm, the man accommodating its movement with his own.

“Well at least until he gets better, then I’ll let him go.”

“So noble~”

Daichi laughed, Edgar taking up residence on his shoulder and cawing at Sugawara.

Sugawara liked to think Edgar agreed with him.

 

* * *

 

 

Daichi walked into the bookstore, yawning tiredly. The last two weeks had been torturous and he was glad all the interviews were over. Meetings about translations were also boxed off. He’d done book signings every day he hadn’t been in an interview or meeting, the venues varying from coffee shops to libraries and bookstores – both chain and small family businesses – and he was beginning to feel the strain.

He was grateful that this one would be the last for a while, but he just couldn’t relax. The bookstore he’d be signing at today was the large chain store right next to the museum. He could only hope that Sugawara wouldn’t pick that day to browse books or to buy something about butterflies. The only solace he had was that he wasn’t alone this time, two other authors would be present and he knew both of them from his university class. There’d also be a new writer on the scene, one who focused on comics but his latest LGBT+ comic had been a roaring success.

His stress levels weren’t helped by the fact that it was also the fifth of November and Kuroo’s birthday was fast approaching. He’d told Takeda he was busy that day and the day after for good measure, and the man had welcomed it and kept his schedule free.

He entered the book store, heading upstairs to where the author signings would be taking place. He saw the tables already set up, the two other authors conversing together in the coffee shop, so he made his way over, stopping to buy a coffee from the counter before joining the pair.

“Daichi!”

Daichi quickly hushed them. “Not here.”

“Oh, right, sorry Ishimoto.”

He dropped his messenger bag off his shoulder and under the table, sitting down with them and setting his coffee on the table.

“It’s great to see you, Ishimoto-saaan~” The redhead teased, leaning on his arms. “You’ve been an elusive creature this season.”

“Likewise, Tendou, but can you really blame me when there’s been so much turmoil in my personal life?” Daichi returned. The two were his friends, not as close as Oikawa, they didn’t know what Oikawa knew, but they knew his relationship had soured with Megumi.

“Whoa there man!” The other novelist placated, salt and pepper hair swept back in a bandana. “No negativity today, today’s a good day. It’s not often we can meet up.”

Daichi smiled, grateful for Bokuto’s interjection.

Tendou snickered, passing Bokuto a side glance. “You sure have matured, Koutarou-kun, does it have something to do with a certain teacher?”

“Don’t bring Akaash into this!” Bokuto hissed, finger pressed close to his lips. “We can’t all be openly gay, y’know. I’m a children’s author, for Christ’s sake. I’d be hung drawn and quartered, and Akaash could lose his job.”

Daichi looked at the man, seeing him in an all new light. Tendou had been right; he had matured, but that was ultimately due to the fact he wasn’t just endangering himself anymore. Even if the stage whisper was less than quiet.

His mind cast back to Oikawa two weeks earlier, his panic about possibly outing himself by accident and how his career and Iwaizumi’s would undoubtedly suffer in one way or another. Even Bokuto, the man who had no shame in university – or ever, now that Daichi though about it – was afraid to be open about his attraction to the same sex.

And he thought he was attracted to Sugawara.

Well, he was beginning to think it. But what would that mean for them?

“When are we gonna meet your beau, Koutarou-kun?” Tendou teased, but Daichi didn’t focus on the conversation long enough to hear Bokuto’s reply.

Would his and Sugawara’s careers suffer? Well… his wouldn’t. He worked under a pseudonym so he was safe, protected by a public façade and the anonymity it carried with it. But Sugawara?

_No._

Why was he thinking that anything would happen anyway?

He wasn’t going to let it happen.

In the writing industry he only knew Takeda and Ukai who were open about being gay, and they weren’t _open_ per se. They were only comfortable displaying their affections in front of Oikawa and himself because they’d caught them in numerous displays of affection, and even then, they weren’t _open_ in front of them, it just wasn’t a secret.

Daichi sighed.

He was hopeless.

“Hey newbie~”

Daichi up to see the younger writer approaching them, black hair flat against his forehead and deep blue eyes looking at them.

“H—Hello…”

“Way to go, Bakageyama! Stellar introduction~”

“Shut up, Hinata!”

Daichi looked to the smaller man beside the first, orange hair flyaway and akin to a bird’s nest. He was wearing the uniform of the book store, the pair bickering while simultaneously… holding hands.

What on earth?

Daichi watched the interaction curiously, wondering if the new young writer was aware of the nature of their work.

Of the world.

“Hinata, do you mind manning the registers? We’re opening now.” The manager asked, approaching the group of writers as the ginger haired worker did as he was asked. “If you men would like to follow me, we’re ready for you now.”

“Right.” Daichi nodded, glancing at the two sitting with him and then the new writer, following the manager to their places. “Thank you for hosting us, Sir, it’s an honour.”

He heard Bokuto hum in agreement, “Thank you, sir.”

Tendou and the new writer both spoke their thanks as well and the four sat down on individual tables evenly spread out.

Daichi watched the manager leave, feeling uneasy at the man’s brusque demeanour, but as the first few people began to approach their tables he quickly got to work on signing books, using the signature he’d worked so hard to perfect: _Ishimoto Kenta._

Two and a half hours later the crowds had thinned. They still had half an hour to go but Daichi found his table occupied by the ass of Tendou Satori, crime and mystery novelist.

“I swear, this firefighter was getting this cat out of a tree and he was the perfect inspiration for my next novel, all stoic looking but he was holding this big white ball of fluff!” Tendou laughed, his legs crossed on Daichi’s table. “Perfect for a big scary policeman. I wanna go to the station with Makki and Mattsun and find this guy!”

“Do it!” Bokuto shouted from his position at his table, finishing signing the book in front of him before heading over to talk to them. “I’m looking for inspiration for my next one too! What about you, Ishimoto?”

“Uh, ah, not right now…”

The three other writers voiced their disapproval and Daichi turned his attention to the new writer, certainly not expecting the outburst from him.

“What about you? I’m not sure we’ve been properly introduced.”

“Uh, Kageyama Tobio,” he said. “And I know who you are, Ishimoto Kenta.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Kageyama,” Daichi said. “Are you planning to continue with your work?”

“Ah, uh, yes,” Daichi watched him fumble around his words, somehow being reminded of himself after his first novel. Unsure of how to act and unsure of how to talk to people he saw as “better” than himself. “I already have my next comic mostly outlined.”

“Wow!” Bokuto grinned. “Talk about proactive!”

“I like to make sure I have a good plot before I take it to publishing… I—I mean, I have my second comic ready to make before I let them touch my first.”

Daichi settled into the conversation with the four, almost missing the way his phone flashed blue with a message, the screen lighting up with one message from _Suga._

Tendou noticed from his perch on the desk, looking down at it curiously. “Who’s Suga?”

“J—Just a friend.” Daichi was quick to defend, swiping his phone from view and leaning back to unlock the message, his stomach hitting the floor at the contents.

“You don’t hide your phone like that for just _friends_ Ishimoto-saaan~”

“I gotta go.”

“Huh?” The three writers looked up at Daichi, his real name slipping past Bokuto’s lips. “Daichi?”

He stood from his seat, almost knocking his chair down as he grabbed his bag in a hurry.

“Daichi wait!” Tendou called after him, his two friends clearly concerned as he headed to the stairs, stopping at the top.

“Shit.” He saw the head of silver hair bouncing into view, entering through the large glass doors with a tote bag over his shoulder. “Fuck.”

He backtracked. “I need to hide!” He declared in a hurry, surprised that it was the young writer who stood.

“I’ll ask Hinata.” And with that he was approaching the orange haired man at the registers, Daichi’s eyes shot between Kageyama and Sugawara, the latter now walking up the stairs.

“No time!” He shouted to Kageyama, eyes landing on the men’s restroom and darting towards the door.

Once inside he leaned heavily on the wash basin counter, taking calming breaths.

Sugawara probably wasn’t even here for him. There were three other authors in the signing, he could be there for any one of them.

He’d known Sugawara long enough to know he was a fan of Tendou’s work, in fact he was a crime and mystery nut. So much so that Daichi had a hard time imagining anything else would ever get read by the man.

Minutes passed and Daichi was beginning to wonder if Sugawara had left yet, his eyes rolled over the message again.

_[[Suga: I just found out my fave author is signin next door! Goin there now!!!]]_

If it was Tendou he’d be there for a while, Tendou loved to talk about his plot ideas regardless of if it was published or not.

He was his own worst spoiler alert who needed to have his social media deactivated five weeks before his release date. Every time. Without fail.

Daichi was an idiot. Hiding in the men’s room? How lame could he get? He should just tell Sugawara.

_Run._

But what would happen if he did—

The door to the bathrooms opened, Daichi’s eyes bugging as they landed on Sugawara’s form in the doorway. He quickly reached for the faucet and turned it on, his plan for nonchalance backfiring when he turned the tap too hard and the water splashed across his waist and pants.

“Daichi?”

“Fuck!”

“Uh, are you okay?” Sugawara asked, approaching slowly and pulling paper towels from the dispensing box on the wall, handing the bottle green sheets to Daichi.

“Ah… yeah,” Daichi breathed. “Thanks.” He took the towels from Sugawara, wiping at the wetness on his shirt and pants.

“Don’t mention it…” Sugawara paused. “How come you’re here? Did you get my message?”

“Ah, well, I—”

“Daichi! You okay buddy?”

Now he knew his friends were messing with him. He met Bokuto’s golden eyes with disdain.

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

“You know Bokuto Koutarou?” Sugawara asked in surprise, grinning in awe. “Oh man, my cousin’s kid _loves_ your books!”

Daichi watched as Bokuto puffed up at the praise, he would’ve found it amusing if it weren’t for the situation he was left to navigate through.

Bokuto and Sugawara spoke for several minutes about Bokuto’s books before introductions were finally passed between the pair.

“Sugawara Koushi, curator of the butterfly house and bug floor at the museum.”

“Oh my gosh you work in a butterfly house?”

“Yeah! Daichi’s seen it, you should totally come see it sometime!”

“I might have to take you up on that offer!” Bokuto grinned widely. “Oh wow, a butterfly house—” Daichi watched Bokuto’s eyes light up and he knew what was coming next. “Hey, hey, hey, can I use it as inspiration for a new story?”

“Bokuto!” Tendou called from outside. “Someone wants a book signing!”

“Oh!” Bokuto perked up. “Okay! Uh, Suga, Daichi will give you my contact details!”

And with that they were left alone again.

“That answers your question, I guess,” Daichi laughed nervously. “Bokuto’s my friend from university – so is Tendou, actually – and I was in the area so I popped in to say hi.”

“Oh wow… that’s amazing,” Sugawara mused. “I wonder what it would be like if I was friends with someone famous.”

Fuck, the guilt was back.

He was stringing Sugawara along again.

“I was kinda really hoping to meet Ishimoto Kenta today, like, there’s a literary history exhibit in the museum and I was asked to get the book signed, well, not _asked_ , I guess, more like I fought everyone off to do it.” Sugawara said with a sigh.

Daichi’s heart jolted in his chest, almost stopping in its rhythm as he listened.

“I got Tendou’s, I also got Bokuto’s for my cousin’s kid, and I picked up one of the comics from Kageyama because he’s so talented? And so young? But the one I _really_ wanted to meet has already left? I dunno, he’s not out there now so I’m guessing he’s already left, but I was really hyped about meeting him. I was also, kinda, um, gonna get a signed book and then give the museum my unsigned copy…” Sugawara admitted bashfully.

Daichi looked at Sugawara, wanting nothing more than to tell him the truth, sign him a copy off both Ishimoto Kenta _and_ Sawamura Daichi, but the fear of rejection overrode his want to be honest.

And he hated himself for it.

It was then he remembered the book in his bag, the one he’d been planning to take to his mother after this signing, signed with _Ishimoto Kenta._

“Hey, Suga,” Daichi said, opening his messenger bag. “Take mine, I just got it signed before you came in, but I can… pretty easily get another one.” He removed the hardback book from its confines, offering it to the silver haired man.

“I couldn’t!”

“Well either you take it or I shove it down your shirt and you have no choice.”

Sugawara smiled and huffed. “Okay, thank you.” He smiled wider, accepting the book with little more coaxing.

Just like his crow at home, Sugawara didn’t need much coaxing to enjoy the things he liked.


	6. Belong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This is Nishinoya, he works at the radio station, y’know the one in the big tower?”
> 
> Daichi froze at the name, meeting bugged hazel eyes, his own not looking much different.
> 
> “I—” the smaller man began.
> 
> “It’s nice to meet you, Nishinoya! I’m Sawamura Daichi.” Daichi spoke in a hurry, hoping the look he gave the other man was pleading enough to not have him reveal what transpired almost a month earlier.
> 
> “Nice to meet you.” Nishinoya’s gaze was wary and guarded, demanding an explanation. “Daichi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood music for this chapter:   
> [Best of Me by BTS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQRONF8O2HU)  
> [Oh My Love by The Score](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXTg7owzmYo)  
> [DNA by BTS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBdVXkSdhwU)

“Relax, Sawa-chan! I can look after your hell bird for a night, you just go and enjoy yourself!” Oikawa reminded for what felt like the hundredth time that day, and while Daichi was grateful for the encouragement, he was also _terrified._

He hadn’t slept, his mind telling him to cancel, to run, and he felt the urge to be sick growing with every passing moment. It was now late afternoon and he hadn’t eaten since the night before – if a bowl of cereal before bed could be considered an actual evening meal.

He was terrified.

There was a knock at the door that sent the crow on his couch into a cawing frenzy, the sound a loud and a distinct call.

Daichi wasn’t an expert, but the cawing was always different for Sugawara.

“That’ll be him.” He nodded at Oikawa, donning his forest green bomber jacket over his hooded jumper as the brunette opened the apartment door.

“Suga-chan!”

“Hey Oikawa! Hey Daichi!” Sugawara grinned, stepping inside to hear Edgar’s crow of protest. “Okay, okay, hello Edgar.” He laughed, the sound making Daichi’s heart race and he watched as Sugawara used his finger to stroke along the bird’s head.

Daichi looked at Sugawara’s attire, not dissimilar to his own in the sense that it was to keep him warm. He was wearing deep navy blue-wash skinny jeans and high-top trainers, a purple plaid shirt with shades ranging from soft violets and lavender to deep royal purples and indigo. On top of the shirt was a thick woollen cardigan that came down to his mid-thigh, and he wore a neck scarf wrapped up to his chin, tassels caressing the chest of his shirt.

“Hey Suga,” Daichi greeted with a smile. “How are you?”

“I’m good thanks!” Sugawara looked up from where he was still petting Edgar. “Oooh, someone looks snug.” He teased, lips ticking up in the corner.

“As a matter of fact, I am,” Daichi’s lips twisted into a grin, gripping his open coat and fixing it on his shoulders to prove a point, “ _very_ snug.”

“Good, by the water it’s colder.” Sugawara laughed, picking a loose thread from Daichi’s jacket. “Ready?”

“Ready.” Daichi grabbed the backpack leaning against the couch and flipped it onto his shoulder.

“Have fun~” Oikawa called after them, waving them off as they left the hallway and suddenly it all felt startlingly real, painfully so.

Daichi took a deep breath, trying to steady his nerves. “What first?”

“We’re meeting up with everyone at Nekomata’s all you can eat first, then we’re gonna go to the campsite.”

“Okay,” Daichi breathed. “Okay.”

The pair headed into the lift. Daichi could feel Sugawara’s eyes glancing at him, inquisitive in nature, and he felt that a question wouldn’t be far behind.

“Are you okay?”

There it was.

“Y—Yeah, of course, why wouldn’t I be?”

Sugawara shrugged. “You look like you wanna fly out the window.”

“I’m just…” They reached the ground floor, walking through the lobby together and out into the disappearing late afternoon daylight. “I’m nervous, I haven’t been camping since I was a kid and I haven’t really met any of your friends before.”

“Ah, I see.” Sugawara nodded along. “But I hope you do realise that you don’t have to come if it makes you feel too uncomfortable.”

“No! I wanna come, I’m just really nervous.”

Daichi watched Sugawara’s expression become contemplative.

“Would it help if I told you who’s who before we got there and give you a bit about them? Then introduce you to them properly?”

He wasn’t sure whether it would help, but it might make it easier if he knew a little bit about Sugawara’s friends…

“Sure, sounds good.”

“Okay, so,” Sugawara began as they walked down the street. “First off there’s Tetsurou, you already know a bit about him. He’s on the sixth floor of the museum and is the lecturer there. His partner is Kozume Kenma and he’s a florist. They actually met when Tetsurou was buying flowers for his crush, but he bought the flowers only to end up giving them to Kenma. Kenma is a huge gamer, so just agree with whatever he says unless you know the game well enough to put up a solid argument.”

Daichi nodded. “Okay, basically never disagree with him?”

“Yeah, just protect yourself from the beginning and don’t go against him.” Sugawara laughed, Nekomata’s all you can eat coming into view at the end of the street. “The next is Kyoutani, he can look pretty standoffish and grumpy, but we actually met walking dogs in my volunteer work – I stole his hat and he made me that yellow one so I wouldn’t do it anymore. Yaku and Lev are more Kuroo’s friends than mine, but Yaku works in a pharmacy and Lev is—” Sugawara paused. “Uh, I don’t actually know what Lev does…” he mumbled, approaching the front of the restaurant and pushing inside. “Then there’s Asahi, he works at the vets a few blocks away—”

“Suga! Daichi!”

Daichi looked to the right, eyes landing on a large table and to the man standing up, bedraggled hair immediately making it easy to pinpoint exactly who it was.

“Tetsurou!” Sugawara called, crossing the distance to the table, Daichi following close behind. “You’re an old man now!”

“Thanks, you turd!” Kuroo turned, looking Daichi up and down before offering to shake his hand. “Nice to have you here and finally meet you!”

“Likewise, happy birthday, thank you for inviting me.”

“Oooh, I like it,” Kuroo said. “Polite, not like a _certain_ someone.” Kuroo narrowed his eyes at Sugawara who just laughed and pulled tongues. “Come, come, sit down, we’re just about to get the meat grill.”

“Ooh, sounds delicious,” Sugawara commented, sliding into the booth alongside Daichi.

A waitress followed them over and took their orders, and Daichi was startled by a hand suddenly on his thigh. He glanced at Sugawara.

“Okay, so, that’s Kenma.” Sugawara pointed and Daichi looked to the man with two toned hair across from them. “Then next to him is Lev.” Daichi looked at the large man and how Kenma – okay, he was slouching, but still – was so small in comparison. “Yaku.” Scratch that, Yaku was even smaller next to the man. “Then I never got to introduce him before but this is Nishinoya, he works at the radio station, y’know the one in the big tower?”

Daichi froze at the name, meeting bugged hazel eyes, his own not looking much different.

“I—” the smaller man began.

“It’s nice to meet you, Nishinoya! I’m Sawamura Daichi.” Daichi spoke in a hurry, hoping the look he gave the other man was pleading enough to not have him reveal what transpired almost a month earlier.

“Nice to meet you.” Nishinoya’s gaze was wary and guarded, demanding an explanation. “Daichi.”

“Next to Nishinoya is Asahi, he’s Nishinoya’s partner.” Daichi looked at the pair, so this was who Nishinoya confessed to almost three years ago. “And finally next to me is Kyoutani!”

Daichi looked around Sugawara to the blonde-haired man, a scowl on his face as he met Daichi’s eyes.

“Uh, nice to meet you all, I’m Sawamura Daichi.” Daichi smiled, hoping to appear more confident than he felt.

Numerous people around the table echoed his greeting, and Daichi found himself growing more relaxed in the group’s presence.

The food arrived at the table and Daichi looked at the different bowls with vegetables and salad leaves, and an assortment of raw and cooked meats and fish respectively arranged around the grill in the centre.

Kuroo fired up the grill. “Okay, who wants steak?”

“Oh me, me!” Sugawara practically vaulted over the table, over Daichi’s personal space to reach the grill. He grabbed the tongs, lifting meat onto the grill. “Daichi you want some?”

“Ah, yeah, sure.” Daichi smiled, watching as Sugawara and Kuroo both stood, cooking the food together and taking everyone’s individual orders.

“Suga, don’t reduce it to charcoal!” Kyoutani scolded, standing up beside the man, Daichi was jostled as the pair elbowed one another.

“At least let me cook it enough for it to stop mooing, you blinking carnivore!” Sugawara ducked under Kyoutani’s arm, pushing his back against his chest as he flipped the pieces of steak over with the tongs.

Daichi watched the pair continue to play fight and wrestle each other.

“Oi! Stop fighting over the meat, you pair of animals!” Kuroo scolded, his tone lacking any real bite as he threw a cherry tomato at each of them.

The tomato aimed at Kyoutani hit his cheek, broad hand swatting at the fruit and missing. Sugawara’s tomato hit his head, bouncing off and promptly being caught by Nishinoya.

“Safe!” He threw his hands in the air.

Daichi’s attention was drawn opposite him with the sound of a snicker, spotting a round, black camera lens. Kenma stood up, a camera draped around his shoulders, and he snapped a photo of the grill.

“Did you get it?” Kuroo asked, leaning over Kenma’s shoulder, and Kenma turned to camera to show Kuroo the photographs he’d taken. “Omfg,” Kuroo wheezed. “Suga your face!”

“Lemme see!”

Kenma snorted quietly, turning the camera around so Sugawara and the rest of the group could see, Daichi couldn’t fight his smile as he saw the other man in the still image, shoulders hunched and face scrunched up as a small red blob was motion blurred and bouncing off his head.

Sugawara began to cackle, the rest of the group finding amusement in either the picture or Sugawara’s laughter, although for Daichi it was both.

“Ooh, the steak is just about ready!” Kuroo began dishing some of the meat out before reloading the grill. Sugawara followed suit and shared out the meat. “I got this, Suga!” Kuroo grinned, using a set of tongs in both hands and arranging the meat along the grill.

“Nah, you ain’t taking all the credit, cretin.”

The pair began some sort of cook off, battling for grill space and stealing each other’s pieces of meat, exchanging slightly thinner or burnt pieces in a bid to have the best batch of steak chunks.

“Tuuune!” Sugawara shouted as the new song came on over the restaurant radio and Daichi was taken by surprise by the sudden lively behaviour from the rest of the group, Lev and Nishinoya both moving to stand and join in with Sugawara and Kuroo’s theatrics. Daichi was sure Nishinoya was standing on the bench.

The four danced and sang loudly to the song, although Daichi didn’t miss Kenma’s seated dance nor Asahi’s miming.

“ _If you gave me a chance, I would take it_ ,” Sugawara sang into his tongs. “ _It’s a shot in the dark but I’ll make it_!”

“ _Know with all of your heart, you can't shame me_ ,” Kuroo joined in, the pair harmonising together. “ _When I’m with you, there's no place I'd rather be_.”

“ _N-n-n-no, no, no, no place I'd rather be_!” The rest of the group belted out loudly, startling Daichi, and he watched as they continued their singing throughout the duration of the song.

It was loud.

Too loud.

They all began to settle after several batches of meat and fish had been cooked off, the banter continuing but not as loud as before the food. Daichi felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to look at Sugawara, coming face to face with a large chunk of steak.

“Say _ahhh!”_

Daichi’s cheeks heated up, and he didn’t have time to respond before the meat was pressed to his lips, insisting entrance.

“Whoa there Suga, let the man open his mouth first!” Yaku chastised with a tone that held no force.

“C’mon~” Sugawara teased, wide grin on his face as he moved the meat back again. Daichi could feel the eyes of the whole table on them, but he found he didn’t care, taking the steak from Sugawara’s fork with a laugh, the sheer amount of spice the latter had added making it burn against his tongue.

“Oh my God it’s like suicide in my mouth.” Daichi coughed after swallowing the food.

Kuroo broke into more laughter at the statement. “Never trust Suga with food. Ever.” He rested his head on his arms, eyes rolling around the people at the table.

“Excuse you,” Sugawara puffed up. “My food is nothing but wholesome and pure.”

“And ass destroying.”

“That’s not the only thing that’s ass destroying when it comes to Suga.” Nishinoya laughed dirtily, catching Daichi by surprise at the crudeness and openness of the statement.

Were they always so brazen about their sexualities?

They didn’t care about what the world thought?

The meal continued in much the same way and they left the restaurant after a little over three hours. He was sure the restaurant owners would’ve kicked them out if it weren’t for the final cost of the meal. They filed into a minivan parked up around the side of the restaurant and began their journey to the riverside.

Daichi was seated with Sugawara, Kyoutani and Asahi behind them, Yaku in the single seat closest to the sliding door, grateful for the brief lull in the rowdy behaviour. He looked behind him, Nishinoya and Lev both leaning over an incredibly bright phone screen.

“Yaku! Do you want meat feast?”

“What?” Yaku shot around in his seat, throwing the pair a glare. “Don’t tell me you’re eating again!”

“By the time we get to the camp we might be hungry again!”

“Yeah, we want pizza!”

Daichi began to feel restless again, his anxiety growing somewhat with the thought of spending the night with the group in a tent.

“Hey, Daichi, smile a little?”

He looked up to the question, in front of him was Kenma leaning over the back of the front passenger seat with his camera in hand.

Suddenly his shoulders were weighed down with an arm draped over them, Sugawara pressed tightly into his side and a warm presence to ground him. He threw his arm over Sugawara’s shoulders and grinned widely, he heard the sound of the camera shutter and met Kenma’s eyes, watching the latter look at the picture he’d taken with amusement dancing in his irises.

“Suga, please never change.”

Daichi felt Sugawara move, catching a peace sign in his peripheral vision. “As if I’d ever do that.”

“Yeah, I think we’re safe there,” Kuroo snorted. “Not even that old rich guy with the sex chamber could make you stop being a little shit.”

Daichi’s stomach lurched and Sugawara tensed under his arm.

_What?_

Sugawara removed his arm from around him, the air instantly tenser in the van.

“Shit,” Kuroo realised. “He didn’t know?”

“No, of course he didn’t,” Sugawara shot back. “I don’t tell practical strangers about my sex life.”

Okay, that hurt. Daichi tried to subtly rub at his sternum in an attempt to ease the ache there, listening as Sugawara’s mind caught up with his words.

“And even now we’re friends, we’ve never talked about relationships before, hell, I don’t even know his sexuality.”

Daichi could feel Nishinoya’s eyes boring into the back of his skull. He could feel the whole group looking at him, the odd one out. He didn’t know all these inside jokes and Sugawara was obviously uncomfortable.

“I—”

“I’ve had some pretty fucking weird encounters, Daichi, as we all do.” _No, but he hadn’t_. “Like, I’ll tell you about them one day, I could do it now but it’d take all fucking night—not because I’ve had a shit ton of partners or anything—I—”

“It’s okay, Suga,” Daichi swallowed down his sick feeling. “I… don’t want to know.”

“Kuroo’s fucking _gay_.” Kenma called from the front passenger seat, followed by his partner’s indignant gasp of _Kenma!_

“Oh boy, don’t get me started on how fucking gay Tetsurou is.” Sugawara cackled.

“ _Hey,_ how did this get to teasing me?” Kuroo whined from the driver’s side.

“Honestly, when aren’t we teasing you?” Yaku asked, a smirk on the smaller man’s face.

“Alright, but just remember unkind words will stunt your growth, Yakkun.” Daichi could see the swell of Kuroo’s cheeks as he turned to face the road once more.

“Motherfucker,” Yaku ground out. “I’ll—”

“Bite your kneecaps!” Sugawara stage whispered, faking Yaku’s words.

This had the group creasing into laughter, the light mood returning with the banterous comments, and Daichi found himself settling again with a sigh.

“Hey, we’re here!”

Daichi looked at the quiet dirt area from the window of the sliding door, the van pulling to a stop outside a large gaudy tent that looked more like a miniature house. To the right of the tent was a picnic bench, to left was the estuary of the river shrouded in the shadow of the estuary bridge. The sky was already darkening, nothing but a thin sliver of daylight left as the sun began to dip below the horizon, under the bridge.

“Green flash!” The group scrambled from the van, all eager to see something Daichi didn’t even know about, his eyes found the horizon just in time to see the sun finally fade, the half-orb of light cast in a luminous green effect as it dipped below the horizon.

“What was that?” He asked, mesmerised by the colour.

“Green flash,” Kyoutani spoke gruffly, arms crossed over his chest as he watched Sugawara animatedly shake Kenma’s shoulders, stopping to look at the camera before cheering. “Suga found it once in a book, ever since it’s become a _thing_ with this group.”

“I see…” Once again, he was astounded by Sugawara’s ability to breathe new colour into his world, colour he’d never seen before or ever thought he would see. Colour that seemed entirely and wholly impossible… like a green sun.

The group began play fighting and bantering, Daichi leaving them to their games. Movement caught Daichi’s attention and he watched as Asahi opened the back of the van and started unpacking everyone’s overnight bags. He walked over, resting his hand on the van.

“Need any help?”

Asahi startled before looking at him, duffle bag in his arms. “Ah, Daichi, if you want to?”

Daichi smiled, rounding the van the rest of the way and picking up two bags, “Where are we putting them?”

“Uh,” Asahi thought for a moment. “I guess in the tent.”

“Right.” Daichi began carrying the two bags over, Asahi in hot pursuit.

“I’m sorry, uh,” Daichi looked at the taller man, pausing in his footsteps. “I’m sorry if you felt uncomfortable before, i—in the van.”

Oh.

He hadn’t been expecting that.

He smiled. “It’s okay.” He said it again to make sure, “It’s okay.”

Asahi smiled too. “You’re okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. Thank you, Asahi.”

“No problem.” Asahi smiled, walking back to the van with Daichi to collect the remaining bags. “And I’m sure Suga didn’t mean to cause any upset earlier. Kuroo too… they just get caught up in joking around.”

“Yeah… you don’t need to apologise, Asahi,” Daichi said. “I understand – my friendship group is the same.”

The other man nodded. They finished dropping off the bags and then headed back out onto the grounds around the tent.

The sky was dark now, the city’s lights illuminating the skyline, and Daichi had no problem seeing the blinking red light atop his apartment complex cutting through the darkness.

He listened to the sound of the river, so close to the rushing sea there were waves lapping at the sandy embankment, filling him with a sense of peace even with the loud shouting and raucous group of friends. By now a campfire was lit, the crackling from burning wood and the smell of the smoke wafted his way and invaded his senses.

Daichi took a seat at the picnic bench, resting his head on his hand as his eyes landed on Sugawara. The latter was dancing with Kuroo, it wasn’t sexual or graceful like in the club, it was dorky and something much more _Sugawara_ than that. The way they bounced around one another and how they mirrored each other’s steps that weren’t unlike the movements needed for hopscotch and in time to a ridiculously poppy tune he wasn’t even sure was in English.

Sugawara threw his cardigan onto the floor, the scarf and plaid shirt quickly following and leaving his top half only hidden by a white vest shirt and silver chain around his neck bouncing along his collar bones as he danced.

Daichi became acutely aware of Kenma in the background, camera in his hands as he either filmed or photographed the sight. Kyoutani’s golden eyes watched Daichi closely, making the latter feel uncomfortable.

He heard a choked noise escape from Sugawara, watching as the man lost his balance when Kuroo’s hip purposefully bumped into his. He couldn’t fight his smirk and the scoff that came with it. Sugawara probably deserved it. He rested his face on his forearms, sinking onto the table top and watching closely.

“So, Daichi.”

Daichi looked up to see Nishinoya, feeling his good mood fade slightly with the fear of what could follow. “Yeah?” he asked quietly.

“I don’t know what you’re doing… or who the real you is,” Nishinoya said, sitting down beside him. “But Ishimoto or Daichi… it doesn’t matter, just as long as I know you’re not gonna hurt Suga.”

Daichi was silently stunned for a moment, meeting hazel-brown eyes, “Why would I—”

“It’s not my place to say. But you wouldn’t be the first.” Nishinoya scowled, fists clenched on the wooden surface of the table top. “So you’ll have to forgive us for being protective.”

“Daichi!” Daichi and Nishinoya’s attention shot to the silver haired man now hoisted gracelessly over Kuroo’s upper body, worn like a scarf draped over Kuroo’s shoulders. “Daichi help!” His cries for help were buried under laughter.

Kuroo was getting closer to the river.

Daichi sucked in a breath as he watched Sugawara’s arms wrap around Kuroo’s neck, not gaining enough purchase before Kuroo spun around and threw him into the water. However, Sugawara had grappled Kuroo just long enough to send him off balance, the latter only needing the slightest tug on his pants to fall in beside him.

“Sonova—”

“Ohmy _God_ , it’s so cold!”

“It _is_ the middle of November, Armani-slut!” Sugawara laughed, the sound still making Daichi’s heart flutter and crave the sound even more.

He tuned out of the conversation, looking at Nishinoya and speaking before his mind could think better of it. “I like his laughter too much to hurt him.”

He looked at Nishinoya’s gaping expression, the grin that followed. “Hey, I got a question, was it really Oikawa who has the fiancée?”

Daichi froze up, gnawing his lip between his teeth before releasing it and sighing, he had to save his friend after Oikawa had thrown himself under the bus the way he did.

“No, he’s dating, but he’s not engaged.”

“So it was you?”

He breathed in deep. “Yes, but Suga doesn’t know… Suga doesn’t know a lot of things. It wasn’t intentional, I meant to tell him, but now I’m scared things will change between us if I did tell him. About Ishimoto, about my ex-fiancée—”

“Ex?”

“M—Messy breakup.” Daichi swallowed around the lump in his throat. “Sh—She was cheating.”

“Oh man, I’m sorry about that,” Nishinoya said, his voice oddly quiet as he nibbled at the inside of his lips. “Well… I guess it can’t be helped. I’ll keep your secrets on one condition: you promise to tell him.”

Daichi’s heart seemed to thaw again at Nishinoya’s words, the blood that’d been freezing within him melting. “I will… I promise.”

“Good.”

Daichi was suddenly crowded on his free side, Sugawara wrapped in a blanket sitting down beside him. Nishinoya squished into his other side as Asahi came to sit with them, Kyoutani, Kuroo, Kenma, and Lev sitting on the other side of the table, Yaku sitting on the table itself.

Kuroo and Sugawara glared playfully at one another, breaking into grins.

“I’m naked under this blanket.” Sugawara said, tugging the blanket further over his exposed thigh just in time for Daichi to see porcelain skin disappear behind the fabric.

Holy shit. Unless he was wearing underwear then he was, indeed, naked under that blanket.

“I think we know Daichi’s sexuality~” Kuroo lilted, coy smirk on his lips as he watched Daichi look down to Sugawara’s purposeful movement. Something purely a reactional curiosity being warped into something perverse.

Daichi remembered what Sugawara had called Kuroo earlier, deciding to dish back as good as he got.

“Why is Kuroo called Armani-slut? That sounds like an interesting story.”

Sugawara cackled, leaning back to the point Daichi feared he’d fall from the seat and expose himself to the group. “Because he loves a hell of a lot of Armani.”

“C’mon, I’m _not_ an Armani-slut.”

“Oh, you c’mon, you’re _totally_ an Armani-slut,” Sugawara argued. “Like, fucking shit dude how many Armani jeans and colognes do you need?”

“I’m not—”

Kenma didn’t even need to look up from his phone screen as he uttered his words, “Kuro, what’s a cock-slut?”

Had that question really just passed Kenma’s lips?

“Someone who loves cock.”

“So, if someone loves Armani wouldn’t they be called Armani-slut?”

“Yes, but I’m not—”

“If Armani-slut was in the dictionary your name would be the definition, don’t even lie.” Nishinoya laughed loudly at Yaku’s addition, Sugawara leaning heavily into Daichi’s side as he buried his head into his bicep. The shake to his body indicated that he, too, was laughing.

“Uh, are you guys expecting pizzas?”

Daichi looked to the new voice, a pizza delivery man holding stacks of pizza boxes in his arms a short distance away. Daichi felt ill just looking at all the food.

“Yeah!” Lev called, nearly knocking Yaku from his perch on the table as he moved to stand. “That’s us, thank you!” He took the boxes from the young man, paying him and, by the sound of things, also leaving a generous tip.

He carried the boxes over his head and dropped them onto the table top.

“Dig in!” he grinned.

Nishinoya grabbed the first box and gracelessly tugged it over to him and Asahi, opening it up. “This one’s the chicken strips and wedges!” He closed the box again and set it on the table, reaching for a different box.

“We got meat feast over here!”

“Chicken and sweetcorn!”

“Four cheese!”

Daichi heard Kuroo bark a laugh, looking up to see the group holding their pizzas up, his hands covered his mouth but Daichi could still see the watery smile in his glassy eyes, crow’s feet wrinkling the corners.

“OhmyGod, you guys are so extra, what the fuck—”

“Our Armani-slut is worth it.” Kenma grinned cheekily, snapping a photo of the scene.

“Kenma, I don’t mind taking some photos if you want to get in with Kuroo.” Daichi said, looking at the smaller man. Kenma looked at his camera, pursed his lips, then lifted it from around his neck and passed it over.

Daichi moved around as Kenma took his place beside Kuroo, taking shots of the group as he went, when he reached behind Kuroo he was drawn in by the potential photograph.

Six friends holding open four pizza boxes on just the perfect angle to see what was written on each pizza, illuminated by the campfire backdrop and the motion sensing lights they’d set into the ground. A contrast of white light and a warm glow from the crackling fire on the six friends, Kuroo wrapped up in a blanket in the same way as Sugawara, him and Kenma silhouetted against the lights and Kuroo’s elbows up, Kenma’s arms hooked into his.

He took the photograph, only then allowing himself to read what was on the pizzas.

Were they M&Ms?

He squinted, lowering the camera.

_We love you a million._

What? It didn’t make any sense… a million what?

Was it an inside joke?

“Oh man, I love you guys so much,” Kuroo laughed, the sound shaky as he wiped at his eyes. “Eat the damn things before they get cold.”

The group put the pizzas back on the table, taking out their phones and taking multiple pictures themselves and Daichi did it one last time with the camera.

He still didn’t understand.

They all sat down together, the fifth box being reopened and Daichi watching as they all began to dig into the food. How could they eat so much?

Sugawara stood, the blanket around him shifting and Daichi catching a glimpse of more than he bargained for as the man reached across the table to grapple at one of the pizzas.

Unless he was wearing a thong, he was _definitely_ naked under the Sherpa fleece blanket.

“Daichi! Want some?” Sugawara asked, turning to look at him with a smile.

Daichi looked up guiltily from where he’d been staring, meeting Sugawara’s gaze. “No—no thanks, I’m still full.”

“Okay~” Sugawara reached for a slice of the meat feast, and then for one of the large chunks of chicken in the other box, forcing it into his mouth with one bite and causing Kuroo to laugh heartily.

Daichi looked at the slice of meat and barbecue sauce riddled pizza in Sugawara’s hand, sweet confection still on the slice.

“What’s with the quote?” Daichi asked, looking between the group members and then to Sugawara, struggling to swallow the ridiculously oversized bite of food to explain. “And the red M&Ms?”

There seemed to be an unspoken air of reluctance to tell him, almost like it wasn’t something anyone wanted to explain, Sugawara was still struggling to chew his food, but Kuroo cleared his throat and looked up at Daichi.

“It’s from my favourite movie,” he said with a smile, resting his cheek on his palm. “A few years ago I was in a really bad place, like, I locked myself away and rejected anyone who offered me any help.” Kuroo paused, expression oddly sombre.

“You don’t have to—”

“One night it got too much, I was gonna jump.” He nodded to the bridge only a few hundred metres away. “But they found me, I still don’t know how, but they did. The found me and dragged me back to Suga’s apartment. Did you know he lives in a converted loft apartment that used to be a church spire?”

No, he didn’t. But somehow that seemed perfect for a man like Sugawara.

“We watched _What A Girl Wants_ together, like, imagine all of us tryna fit on a double bed, and Tetsurou cried like a bitch.” Sugawara finally spoke. “At the end of the movie he told us he loved us all _a million Swedish fish_ , and we told him we loved him _a million red M &Ms,_ which is dialogue in the movie.”

Daichi didn’t know what to say.

What _could_ he say?

He was sorry Kuroo had to endure that?

He was sorry someone like Kuroo had to go through such turmoil, but hollow words from a practical stranger was something Daichi hated, so why would he offer the same?

“I’m really glad you’re in a better place now,” Daichi said. “You deserve to be happy.”

“Thanks Sawamura, I am happy, and I’m glad you’re here tonight too. You’re always welcome.”

“Thank you,” Daichi smiled, finally caving into Sugawara’s nagging and eating some of the pizza he held up to his mouth. “What is it with you and feeding me?”

“You need to be fed.”

Daichi didn’t get it, but he smiled and let it go. They finished their pizzas and the leftovers were packed away into a large refuse bag.

“Me and Tetsurou are gonna go get into clothes!”

“Aww, no fun, I was enjoying seeing your pasty, untanned skin.” Kuroo cackled after him, disappearing into the tent with Sugawara as he muttered the words _yeah, yeah, who’re you dating, me or Kenma?_

As soon as they disappeared the group behind him grew animated, loud whispers attracting his attention.

“Hurry, we’ll only have a few minutes.”

“Fuck, why the fuck was this a good idea?”

“You ready Kenma?”

“Yeah,” Kenma approached Daichi quickly, handing him his camera again. “It’s on long exposure, take the picture normally but keep your hands still because the shutter speed is slower this way.”

“O—Okay…” Daichi nodded, wondering just what had got them into a frenzy as Nishinoya moved to open a box and hand out thin sticks – sparklers? – to the others.

“Everyone knows their letter, right? Get in order, Kuroo’s gonna be the _i_ so let’s get this right.”

Daichi watched as Lev stood first, a gap, and then Yaku, Asahi, another larger gap – for Suga, maybe? – Kyoutani, Nishinoya and finally Kenma.

“Alright! Are the sparklers already?” Sugawara called, emerging from the tent in a dry pair of jeans and an oversized polo-neck jumper. He took a sparkler from the box, before going to stand in the second gap, only filling half. So it was two words? “I’m _y_ right?”

“Yeah.”

Kuroo rounded the tent moments later, wearing three quarter length sweatpants and a jumper, “Suga I’m gonna kill you—what are we doing?”

“We’re starting the sparklers!” Sugawara grinned. “Get next to Lev. You’re _i!”_

Daichi watched Kuroo look around, eyes landing on the sparkler box, and he went over to pick one up.

“What are we gonna spell?” He asked, walking over to get between Lev and Yaku.

“It’s a surprise!” Lev grinned.

“You’ll get to see on the camera in a minute.” Yaku added.

“Daaaaichiiii, y’know how much you love us?” Daichi looked over at Sugawara, watching the latter pull his lighter from his pants pocket.

Daichi took the lighter from Sugawara, letting the camera hang against his chest as he made his way down the line and igniting each stick with a smile. Figuring it wasn’t very safe to throw a lighter at Sugawara while he was holding the sparkler Daichi tucked it into his back pocket.

“Okay, is everyone ready?” Sugawara shouted, looking both ways down the line.

Daichi checked to make sure the camera was definitely turned on as Sugawara received confirmation from everyone, excited, bubbling laughter rising from the group of friends. They all grappled each other, arms around waists and over shoulders, wide grins and legs in all manner of positions, Sugawara’s eyes closed tightly as he hung from Kyoutani’s shoulders.

“Three, two… one!” Daichi pressed the shutter button, keeping the camera still as their arms moved in the shape of their respective letters.

He finally lowered the camera and looked to Kenma who rushed over and checked the picture, “Perfect.”

Daichi’s breath faltered as he read the words. He hadn’t expected that.

“Lemme see!” The group struggled over one another to be the first to look at the photo. Daichi expected Kenma to take the camera away, but instead he left Daichi to become buried in the group of friends. Daichi just caught a glimpse of Kenma and Kyoutani separating from the group.

“Omg it worked so good!”

“Of course it did, we’ve got the best cameraman!”

“Wait, I thought we were spelling out a dirty word,” Kuroo said. “That’s two words and neither of them are dirty.”

“To be honest _you_ are pretty dirty.”

“Seriously, did you miscount the letters? _Will you_ what? Will I what? Will who what? I don’t understand.”

_Will you?_

Kuroo sure could be dense. Even Daichi knew what was happening.

“Kuro come over here.”

Daichi looked up and saw Kenma standing beside Kyoutani, the latter holding a gift bag at his side, _Armani_ written on the side in black cursive letters. Kuroo headed over to the pair, Kenma gesturing for him to sit down at the picnic table and Kyoutani handed him the bag.

“What’s this?”

“What, so now you’re illiterate too?” Kyoutani jibed.

Kuroo rolled his eyes, an affectionate huff passing his lips as he opened the bag and pulled out a shirt.

“Hey, this is the new one I saw the other day!”

Daichi watched the group, wondering just what they planned to do as Kuroo unfolded the shirt, battling to get it over his head. Kenma moved to stand in front of him. Sugawara nudged Daichi’s side, fighting for possession of the camera and switching the setting.

“Get a picture of them!” Sugawara whispered, drawing his phone from his pocket and starting to record the moment, several of their friends doing the same.

“It fits!” Kuroo grinned, tugging the bottom down over the clothes he was already wearing. He moved as if to stand up and parade his new outfit, but froze in place as Kenma sunk to his knee. “Kenma?” He reclined back.

Daichi pressed the shutter button, again for good measure. He moved to the side to catch them both, watching as Sugawara did the same.

“I’ll never forget the day we met. You came in to buy flowers for your crush but left after giving them to me. We’ve had good times, bad times, we’ve seen each other through our darkest moments and have been there to support each other.” Kenma’s voice wasn’t very loud, his fingers drummed on his thigh as he spoke, a black box restlessly held in his hand. “That’s what makes me want to keep you forever.” He tucked a lock of his hair behind his ear, only to duck his head and have it fall away again as he opened the velvet ring box. “So please let me, let me be your husband.”

“Kenma…” Kuroo buried his face in his hands, skewing his hair around his face and mumbling incoherently into his palms.

“What?” Kenma tilted his head, leaning in to try and peak under Kuroo’s hands.

Daichi was unable to hear the rest of their conversation, private between them, but their actions were enough to tell him the outcome. Kuroo’s arms wrapping around Kenma’s body and holding him close to his chest, Kenma returning the physical affection and slipping the ring onto Kuroo’s finger.

“I love you.”

Kenma moved to sit beside Kuroo, the latter turning his back to Daichi in order to speak to his new fiancé. Daichi saw the back of the shirt the same time as everyone else, snapping a photograph, and he smirked and looked to Suga.

“Was that your idea?”

“A group effort. Kyoutani did it though.” Sugawara snorted.

“Brilliant.” Daichi laughed. “Absolutely brilliant.”

They watched as Kenma reached up to wipe at Kuroo’s cheeks, Sugawara grinning before shouting, “Tetsurou are you _crying?_ ”

“Shut up that was fucking cute and totally unexpected, what the fuck!”

Sugawara cackled, “I don’t believe this, why are you the one crying when Kenma’s the one stuck marrying you?”

“Hey!”

Kenma laughed when Kuroo turned to face them, eyes seeing the back of the shirt, his hands ran along Kuroo’s shoulders, along the back of his shirt and he rested his head on Kuroo’s back, lightly kissing the top of his spine through the shirt. “My Armani-slut.”

A shrill shriek followed by a loud bang and a colourful explosion filled the sky, painting Sugawara in blue light.

“Oh! The fireworks!” Sugawara grinned, standing beside Daichi and smiling as they joined the group at the water’s edge to watch Kyoutani and Nishinoya set off the rockets.

He found himself feeling a strange sense of belonging he’d never quite felt before so soon after meeting someone, meeting people.

These strangers made him feel comfortable, and Daichi thought back to the song from the restaurant, realising just how much it embodied the group he found himself in.

All the while Sugawara’s warm presence was gently pressing into his side, filling his stormy skied heart with calm, warming sunlight, levelling the choppy oceans in his mind with gentle patience like a harbour wall to protect him from his own self-destruction.

They stood together, side by side and so close he could feel Sugawara’s arm against his own, a steady presence, hands only centimetres away and he found himself wanting to reach out. His pinkie finger twitched against Sugawara’s hand, pausing from his own fear. _What was he doing?_

What was he thinking?

He didn’t get to overthink things, to even mull over an answer. Sugawara’s own pinkie-finger wrapping around Daichi’s loosely, not quite holding on, but not quite _not_ holding on either. Daichi felt his breath get stuck in his throat, heart pounding so fast he was glad for the constant explosions of fireworks to cover the sound.

He wondered if this was what Kuroo and Kenma felt around each other. Asahi and Noya, and Iwaizumi and Oikawa too. This nervousness like butterflies tumbling in his body, transporting him to his teenage years and a love he thought he had.

It had never felt like this.

Even if _this_ wasn’t love- he swore it wasn’t- he had never felt _this._

He found himself agreeing with the song, when he was with Sugawara he couldn’t think of anywhere he’d rather be.

As the fireworks display continued he had no trouble with how things stayed. Sugawara didn’t push any further. Their hands oh so naturally found their way closer to one another, not quite hand holding but several fingers entwining, and a comfortably quiet air surrounded them.

Settled.

They didn’t dare look at each other. Daichi didn’t dare out of the fear it’d all come crashing down once he met those stunning copper eyes. The last of the fireworks faded and their quiet reflection was over. The campfire was extinguished and the group began to settle down in their tent.

As soon as his head hit his pillow Daichi felt a wave of exhaustion wash over him. The last thing he heard before falling to sleep was a scandalised _is that your toe?_ from the other side of the tent.

* * *

 

The next morning Daichi woke at 8 a.m., startled that he’d slept through his usual body clock, and he quickly grew restless. He grabbed his phone and pressed the power button only to be met with a black screen and a dead battery. He sighed softly, quietly feeling through his backpack for his power bank before padding outside the tent to sit down at the picnic table and plug the portable charger into his phone.

There was the smell of smoke in the air, but he didn’t think anything of it, considering they had spent most of the night setting things on fire. Instead he decided to pay attention to the rising sun as it peeked over the skyscrapers, sky painted pastel.

He didn’t notice the head of silver hair hidden behind the rich golden hat until he cleared his throat and the person at the water’s edge startled.

“Daichi…!”

“Suga?” Daichi looked at him as Sugawara walked over to the table.

“Morning.”

“Yeah, good morning.” Daichi smiled. His phone screen finally turned on and his eyes shot to the notification at the top. He swiped the screen down and watched the rapidly growing list, grateful his phone had been on silent so the noise and near constant vibrations didn’t wake someone up. “What the hell—”

“Someone sure is popular so early in the morning!”

Daichi’s eyes met the first one, ignoring it and rapidly scrolling and then using his finger to hide the first few notifications – all about his book, or from Takeda, or Ukai – until he could swipe them away. But that was when his blood ran cold.

_Seventeen_ missed calls from Oikawa starting at two a.m. and rapidly increasing in number up until five a.m.. If he’d woken up at his normal time he would’ve seen them.

Wait, why was Oikawa awake at such a time?

His stomach rolled with nerves and he suddenly felt sick.

Then he saw the messages.

_[[Oikawa: Makki and Mattsun have just been called in to tackle a fire, so now I’m all on my lonesome_ _（￣_ _ε_ _￣）_ _]]_

That was at almost two a.m., that’d explain why he was calling. He’d probably gotten lonely.

But that didn’t explain the increased frequency.

_[[Oikawa: Sawa-cban, iknow you’re having fin but call me when youget this, I need you]]_

His stomach hit the floor, unlocking his phone and finding Oikawa’s number.

“Daichi?”

Daichi raised his hand to shush Sugawara and stood to pace restlessly. As soon as he heard the other man pick up the phone, his stomach only fell further at the sound of shaking breaths and a broken version of his name passing the other man’s lips.

“Oikawa?” That attracted Sugawara’s attention and he looked up from where he sat. “Oikawa, calm down, what’s happening? What’s wrong?”

Sugawara mouthed _is he okay?_

And Daichi couldn’t respond.

He didn’t know.

He listened to fragments and disarrayed syllables through wrenching sobs, just barely able to make out the words, but he didn’t need all the words for realization to hit.

Three of them felt like a knife in his gut.             

_Fire._

_Building collapse._

“Oikawa, where are you?” After several seconds trying to piece together what he was saying, Daichi resigned himself to having a vague idea. “I’m on my way.”

He hung up, facing Sugawara and interrupting before he was able to even say a single word.

“Call me a cab?”

He turned on his heel and bolted into the tent to get his things.


	7. An Unexpected Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daichi rushed back to his apartment. Oikawa, Hanamaki, and Matsukawa were meant to be staying there while he was gone and he had vaguely heard Oikawa whimper “your place” through sobs on the phone.
> 
> He threw his cab fare at the driver, shouting for him to keep the change as he thrust himself out of the backseat and onto the pavement outside his apartment complex.
> 
> He ran through the lobby, dancing around the other residents and visitors as he made a break for the lift. The time it took to reach the tenth floor was agony, his heart was pounding in his chest and he felt dizzy from breathing too hard, too fast.
> 
> He hurried down his hallway and jammed his key into the lock, forcing his way inside. 
> 
> “Oikawa?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood Music for this chapter:  
> [Champion by Elina](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kT_tKV99dsU)  
> [The Truth Untold by BTS (Paintamelody piano version)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFntqGw-3oY)  
> [Are You Done With Me? by Delain](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpkSKO9iHn4)

Daichi rushed back to his apartment. Oikawa, Hanamaki, and Matsukawa were meant to be staying there while he was gone and he had vaguely heard Oikawa whimper “ _your place”_ through sobs on the phone.

He threw his cab fare at the driver, shouting for him to keep the change as he thrust himself out of the backseat and onto the pavement outside his apartment complex.

He ran through the lobby, dancing around the other residents and visitors as he made a break for the lift. The time it took to reach the tenth floor was agony, his heart was pounding in his chest and he felt dizzy from breathing too hard, too fast.

He hurried down his hallway and jammed his key into the lock, forcing his way inside. 

“Oikawa?”

With no sign of him in the living room, Daichi immediately went to his bedroom, finding him curled up in the bed, eyes glued to the mounted television on the far wall. Oikawa looked at him through wide eyes, although Daichi wondered if he could even see him, sleepless orbs seemingly seeing right through him, glassy and clouded.

“Sawa-chan…”

Daichi crossed the distance between the door and his bed, sitting beside Oikawa and shuffling up against the headboard beside him, forgoing taking his shoes off in order to comfort his friend quicker. He snaked his arm behind Oikawa and pulled him close, rubbing what he hoped was a soothing pattern on his back.

“Oikawa it’s okay—”

“How is that okay, Sawa-chan?” Oikawa thrust his arm towards the television and Daichi’s eyes landed on the live feed news report, feeling his heart stop in his chest and blood freeze in his veins. “Look at it! How is that okay?” Oikawa’s expression crumpled and he ground the heel of his palms against his rubbed raw eyes, the tears long run dry and leaving tracks down his face.

Daichi felt sick to his stomach, watching the report with wide eyes, and his hand on Oikawa’s back stopped, as frozen as his blood.

“No… it has to be okay.” Daichi spoke aloud, hoping to convince himself more than anything else. “It’ll be okay, they’ll be okay.”

As if to prove a point, to show Daichi who was in charge between him and fate, the news caster announced: _“There are reports of several life-changing injuries to personnel and several members of the fire crews unaccounted for, but in the last few minutes it’s been confirmed that the fire has been successfully put out. The fire chief will be speaking to us shortly—"_

Oikawa muted the television, not daring to turn it off but not wanting to hear anymore negativity.

“Where are they?” Oikawa asked, voice hoarse and throat raw.

Daichi squinted at the screen, looking in the background for the figures of their friends. They _always_ found a way to get in shot, photobomb the reporters so he and Oikawa would know they were safe.

So, _where were they?_

Pink.

“Oikawa rewind it.”

It was just for a moment but he saw a flash of pink in the rubble.

Oikawa grasped the remote, rewinding the report by close to ten seconds and letting it run. Daichi’s heart hammered in his chest as he watched over the footage for the same slip of pink.

“Pause it!”

Oikawa did as he was asked, shaking hands thumbing the pause button, and they stared.

Daichi’s heart sank, it was nothing but fabric. A curtain maybe?

“Dammit…”

It was Oikawa’s turn to offer Daichi comfort, arm around his shoulders and pulling him into his side and pressing the sides of their heads together.

“I’m sure they’ll be okay…”

“I’m still worried.”

“Yeah…”

Oikawa looked down and Daichi looked back to the screen, a frenzy seeming to pick up and he grabbed the remote from Oikawa’s slack grip, unmuting the sound and listening to the reporter.

_“—ing, there’s reports of sound from the rubble.”_

They watched with bated breath as the camera zoomed in on where several firefighters were all crowded around one area in particular, digging away at the mound of rubble and a pair of arms desperately pushing from the other side, a large slab of concrete tipping from its resting place.

“ _Incredible! It seems there are survivors emerging from the wreckage.”_

There was no sound, it was drowned out by the noise of the fire engines and the reporter’s commentary. But Daichi and Oikawa watched on in desperation as they saw a dusting pink hair, muted in colour by dirt and black soot and ash lifting a small bundle – a child? – from the rubble beside him.

His face was blackened and as soon as the child had been taken from his arms he attracted the crew’s attention. They began to dig beside him and a second child was plucked from the rubble within minutes.

“That’s one of them,” Daichi said, hope growing as he watched Hanamaki reaching beside him, tugging on something that looked larger than himself, a flash of hi-viz that the fire crew wore, curly matted hair, “and there’s the other.”

“Oh thank God!” Oikawa sighed loudly, exaggeratedly. They watched as Hanamaki flashed a peace sign at the camera before being hauled from the rubble alongside an unconscious Matsukawa. “Typical.”

“They always find a way to get into the shot.” Daichi smiled, choosing not to comment on the large amount of grit and blood on Matsukawa’s face, nor his blackened features and somehow simultaneously pale skin.

“They saved two kids,” Oikawa said.

“Knowing those two the reason they got trapped was they were saving more than that.”

“True.” Oikawa smiled, looking at Daichi with relief on his tired features.

“Then you should try to get some sleep – we can’t do anything just yet. I’ll find out where they’re taking the injured and then we’ll go see them later.”

Daichi was sure Oikawa felt the same eager unrest as himself, desperately wanting to find their friends and see them alive and as annoying as always. But he was also sure he knew they would only be in the way at this point, and to try and find them now would only cause more trouble.

“Yeah…” Daichi watched Oikawa’s body slump, his shoulders sagging and his body becoming boneless at the permission to rest. “I’ll try, Sawa-chan.” A tired smile.

Daichi returned the smile, moving to turn the television off before standing. “I’ll wake you up when I find out what hospital they’re in.”

“Thanks, Sawa-chan.” Oikawa barely suppressed a yawn, settling in Daichi’s bed and burying his face into his pillow.

Daichi heard a rattle in his closet and opened the door, Edgar instantly latching onto his thick jumper with large talons. He left the room, affectionately petting the crow and they headed into the main living space.

“Were you good for Oikawa?”

A caw.

People could say whatever they wanted to, but Daichi was convinced the bird understood him. He just wished he could understand the bird past slight intonation. A caw could mean anything!

“Are you hungry?”

A caw.

A yes, maybe?

Daichi made his way to the kitchenette, pausing to look at his breakfast options before deciding on toast. He popped the bread into the toaster and while he was waiting he knelt down to find two plates, next moving to the fridge and gathering the butter and the mix of raw meat, leftover soft vegetables, and grains he’d started storing in portion sized zip-lock bags in the spare vegetable drawer – really, who needed two? – for Edgar.

“You want this?”

A caw.

It didn’t sound like a no.

He carried the items to the counter, opening the zip-lock bag and emptying the contents onto the smaller plate, more like a saucer in size and made of a hard plastic.

He felt the crow move on his shoulder, travelling down his bicep with talons sticking into his wool jumper.

“Ah, ah, Edgar Allan Crow, wait for me please.” Edgar stopped with an unhappy sound, travelling back up Daichi’s arm albeit not as high as his earlier perch on his shoulder. Daichi moved to wash his hands and then buttered his toast and placed it on the second plate, carrying both meals to the kitchen counter and putting them down.

He sat at the breakfast bar, Edgar landing beside him, and the pair ate together.

Daichi found his mind wandering back to the night before, the feelings of guilt were coming back and he tried with all of his might to suppress them, but the damage was done.

Not only was he falling in love with Sugawara Koushi, but he was also beginning to realise that maybe he always had. Deep down in his heart, deep down in his bones, maybe he’d always loved Sugawara Koushi.

Ever since that night five years earlier, ever since he began shaping the love interest into his drunken perception of Sugawara Koushi, ever since meeting him again at the bar, and then again at the museum, their coffee date, their five a.m. dates, the night Sugawara burst his beanbag chair and then left the filling in his bed, the book store, the first time Sugawara met Edgar Allan Crow, Kuroo’s birthday.

From the very beginning…

But then…

Didn’t that make him just as bad as Megumi?

He’d dated her for five years while being unconsciously in love with someone else. Was that why she left? Was that why she found love elsewhere?

He’d neglected to give her his heart, so she took hers away.

No.

_No!_

He’d given her his everything. He’d broken himself down into the tiniest fragments of who he had been to try and fit a mould she’d made, to the point where now he couldn’t find all of his pieces, shattered and scattered on the cruel winds of her fake love, her destructive love.

He became someone he didn’t know for that woman, someone he hated for her love.

And all he received in return were words that left him wanting to change _more._

Yet it _still_ hadn’t been enough, he _still_ lost her to another man and was strung along by her alongside him.

She was cruel.

She was unkind.

She was _toxic._

But now… he was free.

Now Sugawara was helping him find those pieces. He didn’t even know it, but he was helping Daichi rediscover himself, and he was filling the gaps that couldn’t be replaced.

It was scary, terrifying falling in love with someone he’d been in love with all along. He wasn’t ready to admit something like that to anyone but himself… but maybe one day…

Maybe one day he could scream it with pride until his lungs burned and heart threatened to burst from his chest, decorated with floral blooms and beating like butterfly wings, a world full of colour like the ones in his stories, and a life full of adventure with the person he could call his.

 

Maybe one day.

For now he was happy surrounded by the people he loved the most.

His mind moved back to Hanamaki and Matsukawa, finishing his breakfast and reaching for his phone. There was a new message from Sugawara.

_[[Suga: Hope u and Oiks are ok!!]]_

_[[Daichi: Were good thanks, just some stuff goin on, call u later??]]_

The reply was almost instantaneous.

_[[Suga: Ok!! On way home now {{Image attached.}}]]_

Daichi opened the image and supressed a snort against his palm, chest swelling with affection as he saw Sugawara’s attempt at a selfie, arms linked into Kyoutani’s and he mimicked the other man’s expression, but with only the use of one hand the image was blurred and he could also see Sugawara’s half smile, barely suppressed and threatening to break into a full smirk.

He could feel his heart flutter. How could one person be so perfect?

No… he was far from perfect, but that made him perfect to Daichi. His imperfections were what Daichi loved the most.

He brought up his internet, searching for the phone numbers for the hospitals in their area and beginning to call around, finding their location on his second try.

Perfect.

He looked at the time and decided to let Oikawa rest for another two hours, or until he woke up, whichever came first.

 

Daichi made his way into the hospital with Oikawa, heading to the front desk and requesting information on their friends. After being bombarded by several fans asking for autographs and trying to find out why he was here, a simple _to visit some friends, so I would really appreciate it if you could keep my visit quiet_ placating the group, they made their way towards the staircase.

The pair walked through the hospital and to the given ward, Daichi passing glances at Oikawa as they walked up the stairs. He looked tired, his features paler than normal and his eyes decorated with red blotchy skin and dark bruising. He rested his hand on Oikawa’s back and they moved up to the second floor.

They walked through the sterile corridors following the signs to the ward the front desk had indicated. Daichi walked through the open double doors with Oikawa in tow and they approached the matron in charge of the ward.

“Hi, uh, we’re here to visit Hanamaki Taka—”

“Room two, although he _should_ be in room three. When you leave, please, take him with you.” The matron replied wearily. “And the other one too.”

“Uh, thank you,” Daichi said, unsure whether the ward matron was joking or not. “If they’re ready to be discharged then I can take them home.”

Daichi and Oikawa made their way towards room two and then peered through the window, knocking softly before sneaking inside—

Oh.

_Oh._

He hadn’t been expecting _that._

Daichi’s eyes were drawn to the couple on the bed, Matsukawa’s forefinger pressed tightly to his lips as he shushed them, an oxygen mask in his free hand, bandages wrapped around his head, and a mess of dirty matted pink hair on Matsukawa’s chest. Hanamaki looked like he was asleep, features relaxed and lips parted just slightly, leg wrapped to just below his knee in a cast.

Matsukawa smiled at them, Daichi returning the smile with his own and a wave, Oikawa also returning the gesture.

“Hey…” Matsukawa spoke softly, a rattle to his words and a slight wheeze at the end of the word.

“Hey… how are you both feeling?” Daichi asked softly, taking one of the spare seats beside the bed, Oikawa quietly sitting beside him.

“I’m okay… been better, but okay.” Matsukawa smiled, his features ashen and expression tired. “Makki just fell asleep.” He carded his fingers through the strands of his friend’s hair, looking down at him with an adoring expression.

Wait a minute.

“Oikawa?” Matsukawa said, looking at him. “We’re really sorry for leaving you last night, and for scaring you… you look exhausted, I’m sorry.”

Daichi heard a sniffle from beside him, then a watery anger in his voice as he replied, “You better be, I want a shit ton of milk bread to make up for it.”

Matsukawa laughed softly, the noise echoing in his ribs and making Daichi wince at the sound as he began to wheeze.

“Keep your mask on, you cretin.” Oikawa huffed, reaching over and forcing the mask against Matsukawa’s face.

Matsukawa took the mask from Oikawa’s grasp, taking a deep breath but starting to cough as it caught the back of his throat. He looked down to Hanamaki, relaxing when he didn’t stir. “Smoke inhalation.”

“We figured. But you probably saved so many people by doing it, you self-sacrificial whore.”

“Doin’ what I do best.”

The three fell into silence, Daichi listening to the clock ticking on the wall and watching the sun cast intermittent warmth through the windows, interspersed with thick cloud.

“So… this is new.” Daichi motioned to Hanamaki asleep on his chest.

“Yeah… uh…” Matsukawa stroked his hair again. “I broke up with Ami,” he stopped and hummed, looking at the time, “about an hour ago?”

“What, why?” Oikawa asked in a hushed gasp. He’d never liked Matsukawa’s girlfriend, but he’d never said a bad word about her to his face.

Matsukawa shrugged. “She wasn’t bothered. She showed up and immediately started yammering about her boss being a prick, meanwhile _this_ prick,” he motioned to Hanamaki, “was getting his leg set in a cast after literally following me into a burning building against the chief’s orders, protected me from rubble, got his leg broke—and I guess I just realised where my loyalties lie.”

“Gee, you only just realised?”

“Nah… I guess I’ve always known.” Matsukawa admitted, flooring Daichi with how much the words resonated with him.

_Always known…_

Matsukawa had always known.

He also remembered Hanamaki’s words from almost two months prior.

_“Ew, love.”_

There was a sudden nasal noise from Hanamaki and his head dropped before he shot up into a sitting position.

Matsukawa burst into laughter before it fell away into coughing. “Oh—” sputtering, “—my God.”

Oikawa laughed too, and the situation finally caught up with Daichi and distracted him from his thoughts. Hanamaki had scared himself awake with his own snoring.

He couldn’t help but laugh himself.

Several hours later and they were all leaving the hospital together, Daichi fully prepared to have the three staying in his apartment for at least the night.

They travelled home in a taxi, the four of them taking the elevator up to the tenth floor and to Daichi’s apartment. The journey took twice as long as usual with Hanamaki struggling to learn how to use the crutches he’d been given, and the ruthless jabs he landed on their backs as he followed behind them.

If he didn’t need the crutches just to stay standing Daichi would’ve thrown them out the taxi window.

“They fucking hurt my hands,” Hanamaki complained. “They’re gonna give me bruises and blisters!”

“You’re hurting my ears and I’m gonna punch you in the face.” Oikawa grumpily responded, his tiredness catching a second wind.

Matsukawa fell onto the couch, twisting to pet Edgar nesting on the arm rest, Oikawa quickly battling with Hanamaki to see who would reach the other free seat.

“And now we observe the two weak ass males fighting for the right to sit beside the hot ass stud, alpha male.” He commentated into his fist while Daichi shut the door and turned to watch the trio. Hanamaki tripped Oikawa with one of his crutches. “It seems we have a winner, natural selection is—” Hanamaki also toppled to the floor. “Well would you look at that, natural selection took them both. How about you Daichi? Last man standing, c’mere.” He patted his lap.

“I’ll pass, I don’t know where you’ve been.” Daichi smirked, making his way to the kitchenette, watching Oikawa regain his footing faster and take his place on the couch beside Matsukawa only to be crushed under Hanamaki as he sprawled over both of them. “Anything you guys want for dinner?”

“Tacos.”

“Burritos.”

“Something that won’t burn my ass.”

“I’ll make chili.”

“Sawa-chan!”

Daichi snickered to himself, beginning to prepare the meal.

 

By the time eleven p.m. rolled around Daichi still hadn’t gotten the chance to speak to Sugawara, between making their meal, eating, washing up the dishes and stacking them away, as well as looking after Matsukawa and Hanamaki, and breaking up Oikawa and Hanamaki’s ridiculous arguments that Matsukawa _always_ seemed to start and egg on, he was exhausted.

He watched as the trio on the couch snickered between themselves, not liking the way they’d fallen quiet while all hunched over his first novel.

“Pfft, he said: _soft downy hair framing watery chestnut eyes_ , I wonder who that’s about.” The three smirked at him with half lidded eyes.

 “Shut up—” The sound of his intercom buzzer interrupted him and he moved to answer it. “Hello?”

_“Hey Daichi!”_

Daichi paused, feeling the eyes of the others burning into him and the head of silver hair at the intercom screen.

“Speak of the devil, Suga-chaaan!”

_“Oikawaaa!”_

“Suga, are you okay?”

_“Of course! I was just, uh, in the area and you hadn’t called so I thought I’d stop by.”_

The whole apartment knew that was a lie.

“Sure, that’d be great, come on up.”

Several minutes later there was a knock on his apartment door, a mustard coloured hat wearing man stepping inside, wrapped in a thick woollen cardigan and a coat.

“OhmyGod it’s so cold!” He shivered, taking his outerwear off. Daichi watched as Sugawara’s eyes landed on the three fully grown men on the couch.

“Ah, Suga, you know Oikawa. This is Matsukawa Issei and Hanamaki Takahiro,” Daichi paused. “They’re the reason I had to leave today.”

“Oh! Hey! I’m Sugawara Koushi.”

Daichi didn’t like the grin on Hanamaki’s face. “We know,” he said. “Daichi’s always talking about you.”

This was a mistake.

“Oh? Really?” Sugawara removed his hat and Daichi took his coat and beanie to hang on the coat rack.

“Yeah, he said you got a sweet ass.”

“No I didn’t! Suga don’t listen to them.”

“Ohoho?” Sugawara grinned and Daichi could feel his face heating up. “Thanks~ It’s all the cakes I eat.”

Sugawara sat himself down at the breakfast bar, breathing into his hands.

“So how come you’re here, Suga-chan?” Oikawa goaded, eyes narrowing.

“I—I told you already,” Sugawara huffed softly, tucking some hair behind his ear. “I was in the area and—”

“We aren’t buying that.” Oikawa leant backwards until he was looking at Sugawara upside down. “At eleven?”

“Suga would you like a drink?” Daichi tried to change the conversation flow. “I’m going to make hot chocolate for these idiots.”

“Yes please,” he smiled, his face flushed red from the cold, button nose almost glowing as he turned back to Oikawa. “Alright, alright, if you _must_ know. Tetsurou and Kenma are staying at mine for the next few days while they finish buying their new home, like, their lease ran out on their old place, like, last week? So they’ve been staying with me.”

Daichi began heating up a large pan of milk, listening to Sugawara’s story as he gently stirred the liquid.

“And, like a good friend, I let them stay in my bed and I’ve been on the couch, both are comfy but they’re the couple, y’know? Double bed. But they got engaged last night at Tetsurou’s birthday party but they didn’t get to celebrate with coitus because they were in a shared tent. _So,_ tonight they’re celebrating. In _my_ bed. So I just took the loudest shit I could – because my bedroom wall is a shared wall with the bathroom – and then I fucked off.”

Daichi listened to his friends and their dirty laughter at the revelation, unable to fight his own laughter as he watched the ashen haired man detail his latest bowel movement. The milk fizzed in the pan and he returned his attention to the drink.

“Oh man, Daichi I like this guy, can we keep him?” Hanamaki howled.

“Hey, I’m not finished!”

“Oh, _oh,_ apologies good sir.”

“So yeah, I took a shit, fucked off, and now I kinda need a place to spend the night.”

The room fell silent and Daichi found it unnerving, turning to investigate and finding four sets of round, pleading eyes.

“Sure, you can stay here if you want.” He smiled warmly, his face feeling all too warm with the sight of Sugawara’s delight.

“Daichi you’re a babe.” Sugawara said, resting his chin on his interlocked fingers and fluttering his eyelashes.

Daichi felt his face heat up more and tried to distract himself, mixing the milk into five mugs of powdered hot chocolate, stirring and adding marshmallows. Once they were finished, he he handed out the mugs to the group.

“Man, Suga, I can’t believe you just took a shit while your friends were having sex.” Matsukawa chuckled, taking a tentative sip of his drink. “Like—”

“—It’s like one those things, y’know? It either ruined the mood or they got off to you taking a shit,” Hanamaki said

“Done his damage and left.” Oikawa snickered.

Sugawara hummed his laughter over the rim of his mug. “That’s why you don’t wanna mess with me, boys.”

“Hear that Daichi?”

“Shut up!”

Daichi settled in his arm chair. “Suga, I bought a new beanbag chair if you want it.” He motioned to the plush seat beside him.

“Oh hell yeah,” Sugawara said, crossing the distance to join the other four men around the coffee table. “I won’t burst it this time, promise.” He sat down gently, Edgar hopping over to settle in his lap.

“That’s fine.” Daichi laughed. “But please be gentle, I really like that one.”

“Okay~”

Matsukawa cleared his throat, resting his mug on the end table closest to him. “So, where was I?” He reopened the book.

“Oh, is that the new one?” Sugawara perked up.

“Nah, it’s the first novel.” Matsukawa grinned.

Daichi felt his heart jolt in his chest and his panic rose. He looked at Oikawa, who motioned something that looked like a gesture to calm down. But how could Daichi be calm when the other two were highly likely to reveal everything?

“Oooh, I _love_ the first novel, I swear it changed my life.”

“Ohoho? There’s a story there.” Hanamaki smirked at Daichi.

“Yeah, there is, but let’s just say there was a character I could really relate to, so their happiness is just… I want them to be happy, y’know?” Sugawara was smiling, knees tucked up against his chest and arms wrapped around his legs. “And when Oikawa told me he was the illustrator, ohmyGod I couldn’t believe it, I still wouldn’t have believed it if he didn’t show me the rejected concept art.”

Daichi’s stomach lurched and he passed Oikawa a glare he hoped would kill him, sucking in a deep breath to try and quell the shaking that was now in his extremities.

No.

No.

No.

He couldn’t panic.

He caught the apologetic glance that Oikawa passed him, and he knew he had probably had his best interests at heart, but it still _hurt._

He didn’t even ask him if it was okay to reveal something like that to Sugawara.

“Daichi, you okay? Are you cold?” Sugawara questioned, picking up on his involuntary tremble.

“Yeah, I’m… I’m fine.” He took another breath, placing his drink down on the coffee table. “I’m going to settle Edgar.”

At the mention of his name the bird looked up, allowing Daichi to pick him up and he retreated into his bedroom.

He sat down on his bed, looking at the bundle of black still wrapped in gaudy yellow wool, it’d almost be time to let him try to fly. To let him go.

He wondered if he’d remember Daichi like Daichi would remember him.

“Sorry, I know you were comfy, but I just… I needed to get outta there.”

Edgar cawed, settling in his lap and Daichi brought his knees up and crossed his legs, stroking a soothing pattern on the bird’s head, feeling warm feathers tickling the soles of his feet.

He closed his eyes, trying to fight away the burn of unshed tears.

He was being stupid.

He had to tell Sugawara eventually.

But he was scared.

Terrified.

He’d begun to realise he wasn’t as tough as he thought, his fears were everywhere.

Eating him alive.

He took a shaky breath, he didn’t want to feel like this anymore.

He had to tell him.

He _needed_ to.

Rediscovering himself didn’t just mean rediscovering Sawamura Daichi, it also meant rediscovering Ishimoto Kenta. Maybe even combining them.

Eventually.

He stood up and moved to his wardrobe, easing Edgar into the nest of jumpers and fluffy towels before reaching under a spare blanket and removing an envelope.

He wasn’t sure why he still kept it… it was a broken past.

He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t thrown it away yet… but he felt almost ready.

His fingers grazed over the paper envelope and lifted the lip, reaching inside.

Photos.

Photos of him and Megumi, a tomb in his own home.

 _Their_ home.

No. It was his.

He owned it.

He’d kept it.

It was _his._

_Fuck._

He pulled the first photo from the envelope, barely sparing it a glance before he tucked it back inside the package and moving to stand in front of his rubbish bin.

Bite the bullet and _just do it._

He picked up the metal mesh container and set it down beside his bed, sitting down and lifting the lip of the envelope again.

The first picture came out, them at his uncle’s wedding, just days before he’d proposed to her.

He tore it in half, and then again, lining the pieces up before tearing again until the print wouldn’t go any smaller, throwing it into the bin.

The next photo, them on holiday, her eyes looking towards another man, how hadn’t he noticed before? He tasted bile and began to tear that one too, dropping it into the waste bin.

Several more photos torn into pieces and Daichi wondered if the shreds of what he once had would ever amount to the shreds of himself he was now left to gather.

Probably not.

The next photo was a group photo. How could he get rid of Oikawa with a middle part? Or Hanamaki with a perm? It was a good year when Matsukawa had an undercut. He looked at the old photograph from his first year as a graduate. It was just before the release of his first novel and it seemed even Bokuto and Tendou had invested in _awful_ hairstyles.

He didn’t want to lose the photographic evidence.

So he ripped around Megumi’s form and tossed her away like she did to him.

With each photograph he felt himself grow heavier while simultaneously growing lighter. With a heavy heart he destroyed the good times, but with the destruction of a toxic person’s memory and influence he felt free.

Like he could soar.

The one he picked out next was his graduation, the pair of them holding their degrees in their gowns. As he tore the photographic paper, he was glad his mother had insisted on getting a photograph of him on his own. He remembered how back then he didn’t like the idea of not having Megumi beside him.

She made him feel wrong to not have her presence in every aspect of his life.

He startled at the sound of a gentle knock and tucked the envelope under his pillow, pushing the bin away with his foot. “Come in!” He moved to stand, expecting Oikawa.

“Hey, uh—”

“Suga,” Daichi spoke almost breathlessly, sitting back on his bed. “Is… is everything okay?”

“Yeah, um, they’ve all fallen asleep so I thought I’d come and check on you.” Sugawara crossed the floor and sat beside him. “You okay?”

“Oh, well, thank you.” Daichi smiled, rising to his feet. “And yeah, I’m fine. Did you need to borrow some pajamas?”

“Oh, yeah, thanks!” Sugawara smiled, Daichi caught him eying the contents of the bin, trying to subtly move it back to its place beside the ensuite door in response.

He passed Sugawara the pajamas he picked from his wardrobe. “I also bought you a toothbrush, I hope you don’t mind – I keep spares for my friends.” He turned to see the ashen haired man shed his shirt, revealing several small beauty marks and moles across his shoulders, one on his left pectoral and another on his left ribs.

“Oh, no, that’s fine thank you.” Sugawara smiled, slipping into the pajamas and Daichi looked away as he lowered the jeans from his legs and stepped into the soft flannel pants. “You’re such a good friend, making sure we don’t get cavities~”

Daichi laughed, going into the ensuite and opening the new packet of toothbrushes. “What colour?” he called to Sugawara.

“What ones are there?”

“Green, orange, and white.”

“Oooh, I’ll take orange, like the monarch’s wings.” He could hear his grin.

Daichi smiled, applying paste to his grey toothbrush and beginning to brush his teeth. Sugawara came in just seconds later and copied the action, the pair falling into something oddly domestic as they stood side by side. Their eyes met in the mirror and Sugawara smiled around the toothbrush, Daichi feeling his heartbeat quicken and his face heat up slightly.

They brushed their teeth together, briefly sharing shy glances through their reflections and Daichi watched Sugawara’s cheeks and the tips of his ears begin to flush.

Sugawara spat out before carrying on, “Y’know, me and Tetsurou used to pretend we had beards with the foam.”

Daichi spat out too, looking at Sugawara. “Really?”

“Yeah, neither of us can grow a beard, like, it sucks major ass, I look at your scruff and get jealous.” Sugawara laughed softly. “But we use to do this—” he began wiping the foam filled brush around his mouth, “—and then do this—” he wetted the brush under the faucet, rinsing it clean before bringing it to his face and mimicking a shaving motion through the foam around his mouth, “—as smooth as a baby’s behind!” He smacked his cheek.

Daichi couldn’t hide his amusement, watching white-stained droplets dripping along his jawline and around his lips.

“I haven’t done that since I was, like, eight.”

“Of course you haven’t, you probably had a full beard by eight!” Sugawara laughed, wiping his face on the towel draped over the towel ring. He turned to Daichi. “Top and tail again?”

Daichi paused, also wiping his face. He knew what the answer was without even needing to think about it. “Nah, side by side is fine.” He smiled.

He watched Sugawara’s expression grow soft, a smile on his face and swollen cheeks as they moved back into the bedroom. Sugawara climbed into the opposite side of the bed and Daichi was flooded with memories of last time, Sugawara’s bare chest and how he ended up only wearing boxer shorts while hugging his legs tightly, the loss of his beanbag chair and waking up covered in statically charged white filling balls.

The coldness of his bed the next night.

He turned the light off, listening to the rustle of covers as he crossed the room and he settled beside Sugawara, exhaling softly as he relaxed into his pillow with a warm body that wasn’t Oikawa beside him for the first time in months. If he just turned to his right he’d be greeted with a face and mop of grey hair, not a brunette who drools like a leaking tap or a pair of feet with a beauty mark on the second toe of his right foot.

Slowly he was making progress.

He smiled to himself and rolled onto his side, his lips curved in a smile.

“Daichi…” Sugawara spoke quietly. “Did you put polystyrene in my side of the bed?”

“No… that’s still from last time.”

“Oh…” The sound was soft, sleepy. “Oops…”

Daichi felt himself slipping into sleep, huffing tiredly and cocooning himself within his duvet, feeling Sugawara do the same and he grinned.

Like hell he’d let the other man steal his blankets.

As if Sugawara could feel the unspoken challenge he tugged on the bedspread again.

 

Daichi didn’t remember exactly when he’d fallen asleep, just that they’d had a hearty battle for the duvet and that his lower back hurt from where Sugawara had jabbed him in the kidneys with his heels, although he had returned the favour.

But waking up beside Sugawara, facing his back and arms wrapped around his waist, completely locked together by the blankets around their bodies, he felt himself flush furiously.

The heat in his cheeks didn’t abate as his vision came into focus.

Was that—

No way.

_No way._

He didn’t.

He _did._

Daichi felt his face burn impossibly hot at the realisation, _no way._

_No fucking way._

He looked in front of him, supple pale skin marred with a reddish bruise, wispy down-like strands of silver hair, a mole behind his ear and another on the left of his spine.

Shit.

Where was Sugawara’s shirt?

He stiffened up, afraid to move as realisation washed over him.

He’d given the man in his bed a hickey in his sleep and said man was also at _least_ half-naked whilst being spooned in his arms.

He had to—

“Sawa-chaan!”

_Fuck._

Daichi turned around suddenly, sitting up and looking towards the door.

Shit.

They were all there.

“What’s goin’ on?” Sugawara mumbled around a yawn, also sitting up.

Daichi didn’t have time to answer, being met by Oikawa’s questioning gaze and Matsukawa’s smirk, Hanamaki looking at him smugly.

They’d seen it.

His life was over.

“Sugaa, why are you naked?”

It was Sugawara’s turn to blush, Daichi noticing the way his whole neck and shoulders also tinged red. A full body blusher?

“I, uh, I have a habit?” Sugawara squeaked out, starting to search for his shirt, Daichi happened to look down as Sugawara moved, looking away with a hot face as he realised Sugawara was, indeed, naked. “It’s a bad habit I have no control over.”

Completely nude, as naked as the day he was born.

Why did this keep happening?

The last few days he’d seen more of Sugawara’s skin and less of his own sanity.

He could only imagine what the situation looked like to his friends.

“Oh shit, uh, has anyone seen,” Sugawara looked around, “by chance, a pair of, uh, _novelty_ undies?”

Daichi’s head shot to Sugawara.

“Novelty how?” Hanamaki asked, his voice alight with amusement.

“Haha, well…” Sugawara scratched at the back of his head and looked away, mumbling shamefully.

 _“WHAT?”_ Oikawa cried, bursting into laughter. “That bedheaded guy?”

Hanamaki fell against Oikawa with his laughter, “Nah, I don’t believe that!”

“Well help me find them and I’ll prove it!” Sugawara laughed, his face and chest still burning red.

“Well if you’re totally nude how are you gonna get up and search?”

Sugawara gasped indignantly. “Don’t test me, I will parade around naked. I’ll make a pair of undies out of whatever’s in the bin.”

Daichi felt the eyes in the room suddenly settle on the metal waste bin in the corner of his bedroom, then Oikawa’s eyes land on his, eyebrows raised in surprise. All he could do was shrug, turning back to Sugawara. “I could lend you some of mine?”

“Ugh, thanks.” Sugawara buried his face into his hands in shame and Daichi got up, moving to his dresser and fishing out a plain black pair of boxer shorts. He handed them to him and Sugawara shimmied into them under the covers. “Oh man I feel so inadequate, mine are all nice and snug and these are swimming on me.” Sugawara laughed lightly. “Daichi why are your thighs so unfairly large, and your ass, I thought I had a nice ass but hot damn these boxies say I have competition!”

Sugawara leant over the side of the bed to pick up the shirt from the floor.

“What’s that on your neck?”

_Fuck._

Daichi glared at Hanamaki as he shuffled onto the bed, Oikawa and Matsukawa joining him.

His bed wasn’t big enough for this shit.

“What’s what?” Sugawara asked and Daichi passed the three of them a warning glance.

“Looks like a bite.” Matsukawa said, meeting Daichi’s gaze with a grin, _try me_.

“A bite?”

“Yeah, riiiight there.” Hanamaki pointed to his own nape.

“Huh.” Sugawara’s hand moved to cup the back of his neck. “Nah, that’s not a bite, just a mole.”

Daichi looked to Oikawa pleadingly, he needed to move the conversation.

“Sawa-chan, are you sure Edgar doesn’t have ticks?” Oikawa questioned. “A bite that big didn’t come from a midge fly, that’s for sure.”

He was gonna kill him.

_“Die.”_

The five of them paused at the sixth voice, a low croak of a voice.

“What the fuck is that?” Oikawa froze.

_“Die.”_

From the closet?

Hanamaki and Matsukawa started snickering, Matsukawa’s laugh wheezing in his chest. So it was their doing? Daichi pursed his lips and walked across the cold laminate flooring, feeling the cold air nipping at his bare arms, his feet growing chilled.

He grabbed his closet door and tugged it open, expecting to find a recording device or small speaker. But apart from Edgar it was empty.

“What the…”

_“Die.”_

Edgar.

“What the fuck, it was Edgar!”

“What? No way!” Oikawa argued.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa howled.

“We taught him!” Hanamaki cackled loudly.

“You _taught_ him?” Daichi repeated, lifting the bird from his nest.

“Daichi, didn’t you know crows can be trained to talk?” Sugawara asked, sitting up. “They’re like… goth parrots.”

“Wait, seriously?”

“Yeah.” Sugawara chuckled.

_“Die.”_

“Can we _please_ teach him something else?”

“We did try the get him to say _Megumi’s a ho_ , but he’s not quite there yet.” Hanamaki realised too late what he’d said.

Daichi’s stomach lurched, glaring at him as nausea rolled over him in waves, panic setting into his body.

 _Run_.

“Wait, who’s Megumi?” Sugawara asked.

“Uh, she’s, uh—”

“She’s my ex, it’s no biggie.” Daichi said too quickly, feeling too claustrophobic, his heart beating so fast he felt dizzy.

Daichi was grateful for Hanamaki’s interference, “We also tried to teach him to say _Ami’s a ho,_ but he’s not quite there yet either. Daichi make me a drink, I’m parched.”

At least Hanamaki fixed his slip up and offered him an escape, for all his friend’s annoying tendencies he was grateful for them all the same. “Sure, everyone want coffee?”

Several confirmations arose from the group and Daichi padded towards the main living space, his steps just a little too fast to be casual.

Once in the kitchenette he leaned on the countertop on his forearms, resting his forehead on his wrists and taking a deep, shaking breath.

Had he really just…?

He felt the burn of tears in his eyes and lungs, holding his breath to stop a pained sob from passing his lips.

He’d just…

That was good, right?

His body trembled, making him doubt his actions and fill him with regret.

_His ex._

Despite it being true for six months it wasn’t something he’d spoken out loud often.

It felt alien on his tongue, alien passing his lips.

The woman he once shared his whole life and being with, genuinely believed there’d be something between them forever.

He didn’t even see the abuse until the day she’d ended things with him.

And then it hit him like a lead weight, dependency on everything she was making him want to crawl back and beg for her to take him back.

Coffee.

Right, coffee.

He set up the coffee machine and turned it on, reaching for five mugs with trembling hands, needing to hold his wrist to stop the tremble in his extremities.

Calm down.

Calm down.

He could’ve just used the five still on the draining board from the night before, who’d washed them? But he decided against it, instead turning to the cupboard above the sink. The first mug hit the countertop too hard, the sound grating on Daichi’s nerves, the second, third, and fourth were fine albeit still shaky. The fifth mug was one from the back of his cupboard, sending his adrenaline into overdrive again.

He stared at the photographic print and writing with wide eyes, panic thrumming through his veins that quickly stained red with hatred.

It’d been an engagement gift.

Daichi didn’t see a need for it anymore.

 _Mr and Mrs. Sawamura_.

A matching set.

Their picture on the night of the engagement party, her sat on his lap as they both smiled at the camera, fingers interlinked so intimately yet allowing the ring to be on show, camera flash glinting off the expensive diamond.

Fall.

Almost two years later it’d fallen apart.

Hatred.

Need.

Denial.

Anger.

Like a carousel it never stopped, the cycle of emotions that left him paralysed with fear.

Who was he?

His eyes met his own in the photograph, eyes so foolishly full of hope, looking at the woman on his lap with adoration and devotion. He snarled at the image.

_Fall._

The mug hit the floor, a loud crash echoing through the apartment, white porcelain and words shattering like glass, spreading across the tiled floor and some disappearing under the cooker, under the fridge, some bouncing off the units.

But in the end, it all shattered, scattered.

Just like he had.

He reached into the cupboard, taking the matching mug from the shelf and throwing that too, this time it hit the floor at an angle and the pieces bounced into the air as it shattered, radiating outwards like shrapnel of anguish and betrayal.

Tears stained his cheeks as he looked at the mess, catching sight of one shard with his naïve face, eyes alight, smile genuine.

He didn’t recognise himself.

He backed away from the mess until he was pressed to the counter on the other side of the kitchenette, breaths coming short and fast as he held onto the unit worktop, his eyes unseeing as they misted with tears.

“Sawa-chan are you okay?”

His breath came out in shallow pants and he looked up to Oikawa in the doorway of his bedroom.

“Y—Yeah, I’m fine,” he gasped breathlessly, furiously scrubbing at his cheeks. “I just… dropped something.”

Oikawa called back into the bedroom and shut the door, leaving Sugawara with Hanamaki and Matsukawa. He crossed the distance to where Daichi was standing, rounding the breakfast nook until his eyes landed on the broken mess of porcelain.

“Was that…?”

Daichi nodded, at a loss for words at his own actions, still staring with wide eyes at the mugs on the floor.

“You could’ve at least worn shoes,” Oikawa lightly scolded, going for the dust pan and brush. “You’re gonna cut your feet.”

“I know… sorry.” Daichi looked down as Oikawa knelt to clean up the remnants of his and Megumi’s life together.

“Hey, don’t apologise,” Oikawa said, sweeping up the broken mugs. He looked up and saw Daichi’s face, his expression and how close to tears he was. “Sawa-chan…”

He stood, encasing his arms around Daichi’s body. Daichi sunk into the hold, burying his face into the crook of Oikawa’s neck and feeling all too like a child as he let a shaky breath escape his lips.

“Every time I think I’m learning to cope I get hit with another road block…”

He felt Oikawa’s hand in his hair, stroking along his scalp.

“But Sawa-chan, look at the progress you’ve made.” He said. “Look at you! I saw what was in your bin, Sawa-chan, you’re making progress. You might not see it, but we do. You’ve come so far already.” He held Daichi’s face in his hands, forcing him to meet his gaze. “Don’t let her ruin what you have with Suga-chan, you’re gonna have these setbacks, but you’re also gonna get better and one day you’ll have built yourself up and you will be happy. Meanwhile she’ll have caught genital warts or crabs and you’ll be grateful you left her at the door.” Oikawa smirked.

Daichi smiled too and Oikawa’s thumbs swiped at his wet cheeks. “You’re right.”

“One day you’re gonna be so happy, Sawa-chan, one day soon.” Oikawa squished his cheeks and Daichi forced free from his grasp to rub at his aching face, smiling. “And you’ll have all of us with you.”

“I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

“Daichi! Hanamaki and Matsukawa are being mean to me!” Sugawara called, pulling open the bedroom door and stepping outside into the main living space.

“Okay, want me to sort them out?”

“Yes please~”

Daichi grinned, heading to the bedroom and leaving Oikawa to make the coffee. “What are you two social rejects doing to Suga—”

Daichi paused as he was caught off guard by the underwear that was flung his way.

Sugawara’s underwear.

“What the fuck.” He started laughing. “Suga you deserve all the roasting you get!”

“OhmyGod Daichi you’re so mean!” Sugawara started laughing.

The five settled into Daichi’s bed, leaving him baffled as to how they all fit, coffee and conversation making him settle into a state of calm.

If only it would always be like this, he definitely wouldn’t change it.


	8. Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Good evening, sir!” The woman behind the counter greeted as he entered. “Is there anything in particular you’re looking for?”
> 
> “Ah, I’m just browsing, but thank you anyway; if I need your assistance I’ll give you a shout.” Daichi dismissed with a smile, not really looking over in her direction. He approached the display in the window and looking at the price tag hanging from a purple butterfly.
> 
> “Pretty, isn’t it, Daichi?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood Music:  
> [This Life Is Mine (ft. Casey Lee Williams) by Jeff Williams](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-LLDa8HhYA)   
> [This Charming Man by The Smiths](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mF-gJ6db_FM)  
> [Blood, Sweat, Tears by BTS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Abm0pewwLo)

Winter had finally arrived and Daichi huddled further into his scarf and hunched his shoulders in an attempt to escape some of the chill. But with the sleet raining into his face, whether he hid from the biting wind or not was irrelevant.

He ducked under the awning that sheltered the parade of shops from the weather; it was the long way around, but that was fine as long as he was dry.

He wasn’t sure what had attracted his attention, perhaps it was the warm lighting in the store window that created a glow around each and every diamond encrusted ring, silver watches, and expensive porcelain ornaments shining with warm LED lights in the waning daylight. He knew that several months ago he would’ve felt sick to his stomach at the thought of looking into a jewellery shop; possibly even lost his lunch at the idea of looking into the window of the one he’d bought Megumi’s ring from.

But here he was.

He still felt unsettled as he stopped to look at the window display, a cloud of white escaping his lips as he ignored the section of rings, instead looking at the ornament that’d first caught his eye.

Sugawara.

He instantly thought of Sugawara when he saw the silver vine-like ornament decorated with multicoloured glass butterflies and silver leaves adorned by small inset crystals – raindrops?

Whatever it was made Daichi feel warm inside as he looked at the opening times in the shop window and then to his watch; it was definitely still open, and he was definitely early to meet with Sugawara.

So he went inside, grateful for the fact he’d kept his face relatively hidden, those who did approach him had already met him in bookstores and at signings, the odd interviewer or presenter. But for the most part he was still free to go about his daily life; to buy an engagement ring, and now a gift for Sugawara, without any hassle at all from the general public; without any rumours.

“Good evening, sir!” The woman behind the counter greeted as he entered. “Is there anything in particular you’re looking for?”

“Ah, I’m just browsing, but thank you anyway; if I need your assistance I’ll give you a shout.” Daichi dismissed with a smile, not really looking over in her direction. He approached the display in the window and looking at the price tag hanging from a purple butterfly.

“Pretty, isn’t it, Daichi?”

He paused, twisting on his heel to look at the woman.

“Rin?” Daichi froze, looking at the young woman with wide eyes. “I—uh, when did you get back?”

“I graduated in June!” She smiled, leaning on the counter and looking up at him, flashing a peace sign to the man. “I got my master’s degree and everything!”

Daichi tried to quell his racing heart, no way was this happening.

She couldn’t be here.

He shouldn’t be talking to her.

“R—Really? That’s great!” He couldn’t stop the way his voice trembled.

He watched Rin’s face and how she responded to his response, standing to her full height and surprising Daichi; she’d grown, taller than Megumi and not much shorter than himself.

“Boy, Megu really did a number on you, huh?” She sighed, rounding the counter and walking over to the back room. “Y’know you don’t need to be afraid around me; at this point we’ve basically disowned her.”

Daichi felt breathless, following Rin and listening intently. He’d know their relationship was strained, but that much?

“My father vehemently hated what she’d done to you.” She rooted through a stack of boxes and began unwrapping glass ornaments. “He really liked you. When he found out about Yamato he was so upset, he kept telling Megu _exactly_ how he felt,” she turned and looked at Daichi, tucking her hair behind her ear, smirking as she did so, “and when he saw Yamato with a huge swollen face and Megu screaming that it was your fault, he smiled brightly.”

“I…” Daichi didn’t know what to say, what could he say to that? “Thank you? I got into a lot of trouble with Oikawa for that.”

“I bet you wouldn’t have gotten into trouble with Tooru if you punched Megu.” She unlocked an empty wall cabinet in the showroom.

Daichi protested immediately, “I wouldn’t—”

“I know you wouldn’t, but nobody would hold it against you if you did.” Rin carried the glass figures to the cabinet. “You’re too much of a gentleman to hit a woman under any circumstance.”

Daichi wanted to argue; that he could put up a fight if he wanted to. But he knew that was a lie.

“Hey, Daichi,” Daichi looked to the young woman, “Megu missed out big time; don’t you let her stop you being happy.”

He smiled ruefully, eyes slipping shut, “I wish it were that easy.”

“It is,” his eyes opened and he met Rin’s eyes, “and I think you’re nearly there.” She smirked, confident and making Daichi’s stomach lurch. “You just gotta let go.”

Let go.

“She hurt me in ways you can’t begin to imagine; letting go isn’t easy.”

“I didn’t say _letting go_ was the easy part; but being _happy_ is.”

He paused, at a loss of words as he let Rin’s sink in. He briefly thought to how happy he could feel, how he wanted that to be a permanent happiness.

He just had to let go.

He thought back to the tomb in his home, the little things that hurt too much to look at, let alone sort through.

“You’re right.”

Let go.

Almost seven months earlier it seemed impossible, but now?

He was ready.

He happened to glance at the clock, noticing the time, “shit, I gotta go, it was nice meeting you again, Rin.”

It was nice, but it was also so, so overwhelming.

“Yeah, come in again some time soon, Daichi!” Rin grinned, following him to the shop entrance. “If you’re comfortable with it I still wanna be friends.”

Daichi gripped the door handle, looking back and nodding, “yeah,” was he sure? “Yeah. That’d be nice. See you later, Rin.”

“Bye! And congrats on your book! Don’t think I didn’t notice the date!”

As he looked back he saw her broad grin, narrowed eyes. Just her expression shown her approval of the release date. She always had been cheeky; rebellious.

He waved goodbye, tucking both hands into the pockets of his black woollen coat, sinking his chin into the black and white checked neck scarf and rushing to catch the red light and cross the road.

By now it was dark, sodium streetlights and headlights from vehicles illuminating the sludge-wet floor. He was glad he’d worn boots with good grip.

He rounded the sandstone steps and heading into the gardens outside the front of the museum, bumping into a body as he turned, the person already on the stairs stumbled.

“Hey, what the fuck—”

Daichi’s eyes widened as they turned around.

Shit.

His memory was sketchy, but he couldn’t forget those eyes, he could feel his adrenaline rising slowly, preparing him for whatever was about to happen.

What was the name Rin had mentioned?

Yamato?

“Oh, it’s _you_.” Yamato spat, squaring up against Daichi. “You’re lucky Megumi told me not to hurt you, otherwise you’d be dead by now, _Kenta_.”

Daichi’s adrenaline spiked, how did he know?

Megumi.

He should go, he should leave, he was supposed to be meeting Sugawara.

“And you’re lucky I’m in a good mood today, _Yamato_.”

But he was done running.

Yamato snarled, “sonova—how do you—”

He stumbled from the stairs, Daichi side stepping to avoid cushioning his fall.

“Run!!” A hand grasped his wrist and tugged him into a sprint, his first thought was Sugawara, he was meant to be meeting him! Then he looked to the person, silver hair shining orange under the streetlights, peals of laughter that he loved so much ringing out against the rush hour soundscape.

“Suga?” Daichi laughed, speeding up to catch up with him.

“Oh man, that guy’s _trouble!_ He always hangs round there and intimidates people! I think he’s a druggie!”

“So you kick him down a flight of stairs?” His face spread wide in a smile as they continued to run, Sugawara laughing breathlessly.

“You betcha, baby!” His arms raised above him and he fisted the air with both hands. Sugawara’s excitement was infectious, just like everything else about the man.

They kept running until they’d crossed the busy street, rounding the Papillion Publishing building, and then out onto the train station plateau, breathless laughter and sputtering coughs caused by the biting cold air leaving them both short of breath.

“Oh man, that was great!” Sugawara cackled dirtily, coughing into his hand.

They both looked back the way they came, not seeing Yamato’s figure.

“Think I killed him?”

“Nah, I’ve had run-ins with him before,” Daichi admitted before he had time to think through his words, “he won’t go down easily.”

But saying that much was okay, right?

“You have?”

“We had a fight.”

He watched as realisation flitted across Sugawara’s face, his first night going to Daichi’s apartment.

“Was that why your face was busted up that time?”

“Yeah.”

“Damn, Daichi, I never pegged you as the type to get into fights.”

“I guess you could say bad blood runs deep.”

“OhmyGod you sound like a total bad boy, as if you weren’t perfect enough.”

Daichi felt his face growing hot as they finally continued walking to the theatre, they queued outside in the gathering line of people. Sugawara leant against the theatre wall facing the street, Daichi standing in front of him, talking about their days and Daichi felt himself quickly settling with Sugawara’s presence despite the turbulence of his day.

Although he had to admit he was so excited to see the show that nothing could’ve ruined his day. He’d originally bought the tickets for him and Megumi and was dreading the venue after the breakup and finding out that Oikawa and already made plans with Iwaizumi that night made him think he’d have to go alone. Until about a week before; when he’d found out Sugawara also liked musical productions but had missed out on the ticket sale.

How could he not invite him?

His eyes landed on a figure skulking their way.

Yamato.

He hadn’t noticed them yet, but he was quickly drawing nearer and it’d only be a matter of time until he saw them.

“Suga.” He grabbed the other man’s wrists, moving closer and caging Sugawara between himself and the wall, sheltering Sugawara’s form with his body, ducking his head, “stay here a sec.” He whispered to the shell of the other man’s ear.

They stayed like that for longer than what was necessary, Daichi finally looking up and to the side in time to see Yamato slip around the corner at the end of the street. Only then did he realise he’d been holding his breath.

“Daichi?”

“Sorry,” he breathed, “Yamato.”

“Yamato?”

“That guy you kicked down the stairs.”

“Oh…” They both looked down the street in the direction Yamato had disappeared and he heard Sugawara exhale. “You had me very confused for a minute there.”

“Sorry.”

“No, no, don’t apologise, it was actually pretty thrilling being between you and a wall.”

Daichi felt his face and neck growing hot, even the tips of his ears burned and he finally remembered to back away slightly, he watched Sugawara’s lips purse and brows furrow.

Not good.

“Daichi, I’ve been wanting to ask for a while, but, what are _we?_ ”

Daichi froze up, biting his lip as his panic began to set in. What were they?

“S—Suga…I—”

“No! Don’t panic!” Sugawara placated, raising his hands up in surrender and trying to ease Daichi’s fear. “I just…I wanna get you a gift for Christmas.” The line began moving towards the entrance and Daichi’s heart rate began to lessen. “But I don’t wanna get something over the top and freak you out or get something too _friendish_ and make you think I’m not serious.”

Daichi gave their tickets to the man at the door while he mulled over an answer. Once inside they headed upstairs to the venue hall.

“God, Suga, I—I don’t know, uhm,” Daichi struggled to think straight, instead thinking to the gift he’d seen in the jewellery store, “what…what about a price limit instead?”

“Oh, okay, good idea!” Sugawara smiled as they disappeared into the darkened hall. “What price were you thinking?”

“After three we say it at the same time?” Daichi suggested, looking for their seats.

“Sure!”

They sat down, counting down together before stating their prices.

“Down the middle?”

“Down the middle!” Sugawara confirmed with a happy smile.

That was fine, he could just say his was the exact price and make sure Sugawara never saw the price tag.

The show began and they smiled at each other before turning to the stage.

 

##

 

Sugawara entered the restaurant and looked around, he pursed his lips around the lollipop stick and walked to the front desk, waiting for an attendant.

“Koushi?” He froze at the voice, sucking in a breath around the treat in his mouth.

Of course he’d be here.

“Heisuke?”

The older man approached him, “the group are in room seventeen.” He felt the man draw closer, a hand pressing against his backside.

He sucked in a breath, turning to the older man and playing off his discomfort, “thanks.”

He began to walk down the corridor to the private hire room, finding himself flanked by Heisuke.

“No Tetsurou tonight?”

“No, unfortunately Kenma isn’t well, so Tetsurou wanted to stay home and look after his fiancé.” Sugawara tried to lessen his snark, unsure as to why he’d resorted to such a tone in the first place

“Oh, they got engaged?”

“They did, a month ago.” He smiled, finally reaching room seventeen and heading inside to see the museum staff laughing and joking around a long table, two seats free for himself and obviously Heisuke. He took his seat and sure enough Heisuke followed.

So that was how their night would pan out.

That was fine; he’d always been game for a hook up.

Ex or not.

He smirked into his fist as he reached for a menu, it _had_ been a while since he’d gotten any action.

The table ordered their food and he found himself feeling uneasy before the meal had even arrived, trying to ignore the strange sensations in his body; the impending sense of doom; the constant thoughts of Daichi.

Heisuke’s hand was on his thigh, lightly squeezing the flesh through his trousers and making him shudder at the touch.

Why did he feel so uncomfortable?

The touching continued through their meals, and instead of excitement at the attention Sugawara felt nothing but anxiety.

It was frustrating. He’d never had any trouble hooking up with an ex-partner before, one heated night after a breakup was pretty normal for him.

Especially Heisuke.

No strings attached, a quick fuck and stress relief before he’d go back into their old shared domain in the museum as the sole occupier.

So why did he feel so uncomfortable?

The meal lasted just over two hours, and by ten p.m. they were making their way to the first bar of the night.

It was cold on the street, a flurry of snow around them and gathering against store fronts and bar entryways covered in white slush.

He’d dressed lightly, knowing once he was in the bars he’d quickly warm up, but as he walked with his group of colleagues into the first club of the night he was tugged into Heisuke’s side.

“Koushi, let me buy you a drink.”

Like hell he’d turn away free booze.

And maybe the discomfort he felt would abate if he was a little less sober.

Sugawara felt the deep bass in his body as they went inside, within minutes the drinks were flowing and him and his colleagues surrounded several tables positioned to the side of the dance floor. He was soon on his fourth drink and he could feel himself loosening up, growing warm and willingly giving into the sensation of his sobriety beginning to fade.

“Hey, Suga! Come and dance!”

Sugawara looked over to his colleague from the fifth floor, “sure, Hitoka!” He slid out from his seat, over Heisuke’s lap as he headed over to the dancefloor with the woman.

_“Punctured bicycle on a hillside, desolate,”_ Sugawara sang along to the song, _“will nature make a man of me yet?”_

He grinned as they faced each other, a song that was all punk-pop and bass deafeningly loud from the speakers.

The pair followed the music, stomping one foot out and sliding the other along the floor to come down beside the first, he shimmied his shoulders and she joined in, smirking at each other as their movements grew bolder.

_“I would go out tonight, but I haven’t got a stitch to wear~”_ He faced Yachi and they rolled their bodies. _“This man said: ‘it’s gruesome, that someone so handsome should care’.”_

Sugawara moved his hips and his colleague and friend joined in, he happened to look to the table, the numbers dwindling as their workmates joined them on the floor, he caught Heisuke watching him – watching his body – and he bent his legs at the knees, dropping to the floor before rising again, confirming he had the other man’s attention.

His female workmate was pulled from his side to dance and within seconds he felt a warm body against his back; the only person he’d ever found brave enough to do so pressed tightly against him and almost fooling his body into believing it was what he wanted for the night.

Daichi.

He remembered the first time he’d met the man and how he’d approached him on the floor. Had he been about to do something similar?

He found his wrist in a bruising hold, pulled backwards as Heisuke nosed at the crook of his neck and leaving torturously soft kisses on his skin, hand sliding over Sugawara’s clothed stomach.

Stifling.

He turned on the balls of his feet, his free hand pushing Heisuke back and then fisting in his collar just enough to pull him closer and mumble against his lips.

“Kiss me on the lips.” He hissed lowly with narrowed his eyes and he bit his lower lip, looking at the taller man through a curtain of pewter lashes and bronze orbs alight with defiance and challenge. “Butterfly kisses will get you nowhere.”

And then he pushed him back, going to join his other colleagues on the dancefloor. Heisuke followed, undeterred by Sugawara’s behaviour.

Despite his bravado he was still undecided what the night would bring.

But he steeled himself to work against his discomfort.

Being uncomfortable wasn’t his _normal_ , and that made him feel even more uncomfortable.

His logic being: one discomfort was better than two.

They travelled through different bars and clubs as a group, it was almost one a.m. by the time they made it to the fourth bar of the night after the second had been disappointing and the third had been overcrowded, and Sugawara had hit his limit, he could feel himself growing _too_ drunk; a drunkenness he knew he didn’t want to reach.

Not without Kuroo.

Heisuke’s petting hadn’t lessened, Sugawara had found the man looming over his personal space too many times to count and while the alcohol had lowered his inhibitions and loosened his tongue, had given him an added boost to his confidence, he still felt the nagging discomfort.

Eventually the inevitable came and he found himself needing to use the bathroom for the first time that night; he couldn’t wait any longer, he needed to pee. 

“Fuck’s sake.” He huffed under his breath, turning to his colleagues. “I’m going the bathroom.”

“Okay Suga!” His friend from the fifth floor smiled, her speech slurred slightly with her own drunkenness.

His colleagues waved him off, well, the one’s who were left; some had young children they needed to be hangover free for the next day, others were just exhausted after the week prior.

Whatever reasons they had their numbers had dwindled.

Sugawara moved between the throng of bodies, throughout the bars they’d been to, only Heisuke had joined him uninvited to dance, and it was beginning to annoy him. Everyone respected his space aside from Heisuke.

Although his insistence had had the desired effect; Sugawara was now thoroughly worked up by his broad hands ghosting – and sometimes roughly – touching his body in the places he was most sensitive.

He moved down a corridor and towards the bathrooms at the back of the building, knowing there’d be one person to follow.

That same insistent person.

Sugawara quickly did what he’d gone to do, washing his hands and drying them on his jeans before moving back towards the door. It was only then he’d realised the bathrooms were still empty.

So he hadn’t followed…

Odd.

Was he going to make Sugawara chase him instead?

Fat chance.

If he wanted to play hard to get then Sugawara could play it like a master.

He tugged on the handle of the door, slipping through the gap and being taken by surprise as a rough grip had him back in the bathroom and backed against the wall before he even had a chance to register what was happening, a rough gasp escaping his lips as a hand fisted in the hair along the nape of his neck.

But now he was seeing Heisuke’s looming form, feeling his hips flush against his own, arousal clear and pressed against Sugawara, he found himself in a searing kiss, hungry and familiar, head pulled back by the hand behind him to receive it.

Forceful, and with it he’d decided what he’d be doing that night.

One discomfort was better than two.

He was sure he’d loosen up once they got started.

Heisuke’s actions grew more demanding, Sugawara returning them with vigour, the make out growing more heated and needy between them, he could feel the heat that’d been pooling in his lower stomach growing more nagging and more desperate as he rocked against the other man.

He definitely needed to get laid tonight.

Daichi.

His mind wandered to what Daichi would be doing, probably curled up in his armchair with Edgar.

What he wouldn’t give to be there too.

The thought hit him like a freight train, had he _really_ just thought sitting down and doing nothing was better than sex? While he was horny, no less.

He felt Heisuke’s hand slip from his hair, along his neck where the touch burned his skin with want, it framed his throat, forcing his head backwards with a pressure on his windpipe and jaw, a leg between his own.

No.

He didn’t want this.

He splayed his hands on Heisuke’s chest, fanning his fingers in an attempt to push the other man away.

“Heisuke, stop.”

The older man paused his ministrations, Sugawara looking at his lust clouded eyes.

“I don’t want this.” He forced enough space between them for him to wriggle free apart from the leg that was between his legs, lifting him just enough so only his heels didn’t touch the floor, he pressed more firmly on Heisuke’s chest. “I changed my mind.”

For a moment he thought Heisuke would honour his wishes, but the scoff from the older man made his heart sink, “what? You want to stop?”

The pressure between his legs grew and he struggled to keep his tiptoes on the ground.

“Yes, Heisuke, let me down.” Sugawara’s heart rate increased at the man’s roughness, unable to properly fight him in his position.

“You can’t just do that, you’re the one that led me on.”

Sugawara’s blood froze, so what?

He was now the one telling him to stop.

He didn’t want this.

“After all this time, Sugawara,” Heisuke sneered, “still selfish. Look at you, not thinking about anyone other than yourself.”

Sugawara sucked in a breath, remembering everything Heisuke had pointed out in the past; all of his flaws.

He swallowed, feeling guilt break over him like a storm surge over the harbour wall.

He’d also been selfish with Daichi, several times. He always spoke without thinking and it somehow seemed to make the other man uncomfortable, for all he knew Daichi wasn’t gay and he’d been pursuing him anyway.

He pulled on Heisuke’s tie, the knot growing smaller as he dragged the man down, wearing his façade so well as his eyes drooped, “let me show you how selfish I am.” He smirked. “I want you in your place and I don’t want to be able to walk tomorrow!”

 

##

 

How did it end up like this?

Sugawara sighed into the cold air, feet dragging along the pavement and body aching; but nothing hurt more than his pride.

Looking up he found himself in the gardens outside the museum, he looked around, locating a bench under the cenotaph, trudging over and falling against the wooden surface. Sighing as he hunched over and resting his elbows on his knees.

He withdrew his phone from his pocket and looked at the time.

_03:37AM_

He sighed again, noticing the message from Daichi and hurrying to open it.

_[[Daichi: Hey, did u get home ok??]]_

Sugawara smiled, noticing the time it was sent and how it was only five minutes before he’d checked the time, he’d either been awake waiting for him or he’d just woken up. Resting his chin on his hand he typed a reply.

_[[Suga: Kinda haven’t been there yet]]_

_[[Daichi: Wat??? You havent??]]_

He was surprised by the speed of the reply.

_[[Suga: Nah just chillin in the park]]_

_[[Daichi: The one by the museum??]]_

_[[Suga: Yeh]]_

Sugawara waited for a reply, his screen remaining black and he sighed. He found himself getting lost in his thoughts, reliving the evening and the hook up that’d go down in history as a disaster, he should’ve listened to his gut and not went home with Heisuke. His next thought caught him off guard, what if Daichi wasn’t replying because he was on his way to meet him?

That’d be nice.

But it was also highly unlikely to the point of almost being impossible.

He closed his eyes, feeling oddly out of sorts and fragile as he fought back the weak sting behind his eyelids. He’d been feeling this way for a while; he wasn’t sure when it’d started, it was easily ignored and could be quelled.

But after tonight’s disaster there was no going back.

He liked Daichi.

Something about Daichi had completely blindsided Sugawara; at first, when they’d made out, he’d been fixated on finishing what they started. When they met again he’d wanted to seduce the man and make that a reality.

But then something had changed…

He’d rejected Sugawara’s advances so honestly, and Sugawara found himself offering friendship; found Daichi accept it. The rest was history, they’d become so close and bit by bit Daichi had invaded every part of his life, it was an invasion he didn’t mind.

He found himself hoping and yearning for things he’d never experienced before; things he didn’t think he’d ever feel; things he thought couldn’t possibly exist…at least not for him.

He started to believe there was such a thing as love; love that wasn’t bought with money or came through unequal power exchange, purely lust filled and as shallow as the _relationship_ that created it. In the end that’s all he’d ever experienced, but Daichi…there was something different.

He wanted to know everything about the other man, something about him made Sugawara strive to be a better person; worthy of Daichi’s affections.

There was something about Daichi that made him different from all the other men in Sugawara’s life. He was sweet. Incredibly caring. But Sugawara wasn’t blind, the times he looked like a deer in headlights, the fighting? That wasn’t the man Daichi had shown him so far. It was something else and it made him curious, made him want to find Daichi’s ticks, see those sides he kept hidden away almost perfectly. 

He thought back to Daichi’s outburst at the docks, on the promenade in the early morning light, _you don’t know what I’ve done, what I’ve been through—_ an outburst full of anguish.

He wanted to know.

He wanted Daichi to tell him, to tell him what he’d done that was supposed to be so bad, to tell him what burdens he carried and what scars he bore…

He sighed softly.

There was no denying it anymore.

He liked Sawamura Daichi.

All of him.

“Suga!”

Holy shit, Sawamura Daichi.

How long had he been in his own thoughts?

“Daichi?” He moved to stand, legs going weak from the cold weather, sitting for so long, and his earlier activities with Heisuke, he paused and didn’t move forward, instead waiting for Daichi to come to him. “Why are you—” 

“Whoa, are you okay?” Daichi immediately reached of Sugawara’s forearms to steady him.

“Yeah, I’m fine, I just…numb bum I guess.” Sugawara laughed, straightening his posture. “Been sitting too long.”

“I see, I can see how that’d be problematic.” Daichi smiled, waiting until he knew Sugawara was stable before loosening his grip on his arms, contact Sugawara sorely missed.

“Yeah…and I did some stuff,” Sugawara mumbled, “so I kinda…didn’t wanna go home yet.”

“Bad _stuff?_ ”

“Nothing illegal,” Sugawara clarified, “if that’s what you mean. I just needed time alone with my thoughts,” he sat back down on the bench, “turns out they weren’t much help.”

Daichi sat beside him, sitting on his hands, “oh…can I help at all?”

“I don’t want you to judge me…”

“Suga, why the hell would I judge you?”

All he could do was shrug and look at the floor, “it’s pretty amoral.”

“So? It’s not illegal so why would I judge you?”

“Promise you won’t judge?” Sugawara looked up, seeing those warm eyes so full of patience and compassion. They’d changed over the months he’d known Daichi, it felt like he was looking at a completely different person from September, he wondered if that was his undeniable feelings or whether Daichi had actually changed.

“Promise.”

Sugawara looked back to the floor, afraid to see the rejection in Daichi’s eyes, those warm eyes become filled with disgust.

“I, uh, as you know I went to my work’s Christmas night out…and, well, my ex was there.” Sugawara stopped, wondering how was best to tell Daichi the rest, should he tell him about how his ex-partner had guilted him into sex? No. No, he wouldn’t do that. “And, well, we kinda…hooked up? And we went back to his place…and, uh, y’know, we got so far and then I kinda…” Sugawara paused, ashamed to admit what had happened out loud. “I may’ve…said someone else’s name.”

He pressed his lips tight together, thinning them, the silence thick between them, he chanced a glance at the man beside him, seeing him deep in thought.

“Okay, I’m definitely not judging,” Daichi finally said, “what you do in your life is what you do. But…I don’t understand why you’d hook up with an ex if they’re your ex, y’know? There’s obviously a reason the relationship failed, to prolong it in that way mustn’t be good for either of you.”

Sugawara thought back to the club, to Heisuke’s insistence and the way he made him feel guilty for saying no.

“I know…but it’s just sorta normal for me? Me and my exes never…there’s never anything substantial in the first place.” Sugawara explained, fiddling with his shirt sleeves. “Hooking up is just a game, y’know? Surely, you’ve done it, doesn’t even have to be an ex, but you have been to uni and surely you’ve had a wild uni night and—”

“I’m sorry, Suga,” Daichi interrupted, wearing an expression Sugawara had never quite seen before on the man, “I’ve not had those experiences, so I can’t relate. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not judging, like I said what you do with your life is your business. But…maybe calling the wrong person was your mind’s way of telling you it didn’t want what you did.”

“Huh? Like sabotage?”

“Yeah, I—I mean, I dunno, something like that would make me feel pretty uneasy, I’m not sure if it was like that for you, but if I found myself in that situation I would feel so…uncomfortable I wouldn’t do it. But if you did go ahead with it then your mind might’ve been berating you for it.”

“I honestly think it was what I wanted, just not with the person I did it with.”

“That makes sense too, I mean, you called someone else’s name, do they mean a lot to you?”

Sugawara avoided eye contact, eyes flicking to the floor before settling on Daichi’s sleeve, the dent in the fabric at the crook of his elbow, he shivered, being reminded of how scantily clad he was compared to Daichi.

“At first I didn’t think so; but…yeah, they mean the world to me.”

He heard Daichi move, the sound of a zip coming undone and he looked up just in time to feel Daichi’s body heat envelop him, his coat draped over his shoulders.

“Better?”

He looked up to the man, watching him sit back down, still wearing a hooded jacket, “better…” He inhaled deeply and relished in Daichi’s scent, feeling the prick of tears in his eyes again at Daichi’s tender affection, he pulled the jacket further over him, sinking into it and sighing shakily as he closed his eyes.

“I just don’t…I feel like I don’t know them.” He sniffled, he felt a warm hand on his shoulder blade and he sighed. “I want to know everything about them, but as soon as I learn something new something else happens and I just…I’m left feeling as clueless as ever. I just wanna scream into their face _who are you?!_ ” He scoffed self-depreciatingly. “But if I did that I’m pretty sure they’d run away forever out of fear.”

He heard Daichi scoff and bitterly thought _if only he knew_.

“Then…I guess, if it was me, I’d want gentle coaxing, y’know?”

Was he being serious?

Was he _actually_ being serious?

“It they’re hiding something then there will probably be a reason…but they’ll probably open up soon, too. I guess you just gotta…let them know you’re there for them; and in time they’ll tell you.”

It was like he _knew_.

Sugawara wouldn’t put it past him, he’d be more surprised if he didn’t know at this point.

“I mean…he’ll tell you eventually.” Daichi said again, Sugawara didn’t miss the way he’d changed his phrasing, the tremble to his voice. “Just a little longer.”

 He _definitely_ knew.

Sugawara nodded, looking down and holding the coat tighter in his grasp and around his body, he smiled, “I’m ready to go home now, Daichi.”

“Want me to call a cab?”

“I can get the train, it’s okay.” Sugawara smiled, moving to stand up.

“Like hell I’m letting you go home alone, besides, you’ll have a long wait; the first train isn’t until six thirty on a Sunday.”

Sugawara looked at the time, he’d have an hour and a half wait…

“Then the night bus.”

“Suga, I’m coming with you whether you like it or not.”

Sugawara huffed and smiled, adding _stubborn_ to the things he knew about Daichi.

“Okay…”

They stood and began making their way to the bus shelters, descending the sandstone stairs from two weeks earlier, Sugawara showing Daichi how he kicked Yamato with a lot less grace than the original; his sobriety still compromised somewhat.

They crossed the empty streets, for the first time that night Sugawara felt at ease, the silent streets and Daichi’s firm presence, his warm coat around Sugawara’s cold body. But he still felt shaky; restless, and once they’d crossed the street he knelt down and pulled a cigarette box from inside his sock, taking one of the cigarettes and poising it between his lips.

He fixed his sock and trouser leg, moving to the other to retrieve his lighter before standing again, catching Daichi’s curious gaze as he fiddled with the lighter ignition. 

“The first time I saw you – at the club – you were smoking, but I hadn’t seen you do it again until today.”

“Oh…” Sugawara paused, the stick of tobacco bouncing between his lips, “well, that was supposed to be my last cigarette,” he sheltered the sparks from the cold wind, finally lighting the end and inhaling deeply, “but…after tonight I need one.”

“I see…”

Sugawara looked at Daichi’s expression, “does it bother you?”

“N—No! I was just curious, when you gave me the lighter at Kuroo’s party I was confused.”

Sugawara almost forgot to listen, watching Daichi’s lips move as he spoke, his eyes flickering up to meet Daichi’s eyes; waiting eyes.

Waiting for a response.

“Oh, yeah, you never know when you’re gonna need a lighter.” Daichi stopped walking, Sugawara stopping with him several steps later. “Daichi?”

“See, that’s a totally normal sentence, there’s lots of reasons someone would need a lighter, but from you it sounds downright illegal.”

Sugawara laughed into the air, smoky and the smell stung his nose after so long.

“It was a bad habit my ex got me into.” Sugawara blurted out, taken by surprise as a hand entered his immediate vision, the cigarette pulled from his lips by Daichi’s fingers and stubbed out on the bus shelter seat. “Hey—”

“Give me the rest, Suga.” Daichi almost demanded, Sugawara being blindsided by his sudden firmness and immediately moving to do as he said, handing them over and watching as Daichi crushed the box in his hand before throwing them and the lighter into the nearest bin. “I’ve seen what keeping things from your ex can do, you’ve lasted four months without a smoke, why ruin it because of your ex?”

Sugawara sucked in a breath, about to say something before he caught sight of the bus rounding the corner. “This is us.”

He flagged it down and they climbed on together, paying and taking a seat over the rear left wheel, they sat in silence for the journey, the humming vibration of the bus and Daichi’s coat around his body making him feel tired, he rested his head on Daichi’s shoulder, feeling the other man twitch beneath him.

“Suga, you can’t fall asleep, I don’t know where you live.”

“Oh, you’ll know.” Sugawara replied, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning into Daichi, lips ticking up in the corners.


	9. Let There be Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He homed in on the weight on his shoulder, looking to the nest of silver hair pressed against him and unable to stop the smile that came to his lips.
> 
> Cute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood Music:   
> [Magic Shop by BTS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLf6yZPJyvM)  
> [Epiphany by Jin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mc9r_BrkLmg)  
> [The Words by Christina Perri](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xfw8uktdLEc)

Daichi watched out the bus window as the world went by, he shivered at the cold air from a nearby open window and stopped to think what had just happened.

He’d just told Sugawara he was nearly ready to tell him about his past.

Minutes after Sugawara confessed to calling his name while he was with his ex.

Well, he hadn’t explicitly told him it was his name, but Daichi wasn’t stupid; he didn’t even need to be a confident person to know who Sugawara had been talking about.

And he’d acted so impulsively; saying he’d tell him, telling him to hand over his cigarettes and lighter, too. Over not just the fact he knew what it was like to be held in the clutches of an ex-partner, but also because some part of him was _jealous._

He homed in on the weight on his shoulder, looking to the nest of silver hair pressed against him and unable to stop the smile that came to his lips.

Cute.

Finally he saw what he assumed Sugawara meant, remembering from Kuroo’s birthday, Sugawara lived in a converted _church._

He pressed the button as his eyes landed on the up-coming red stone building, lightly shaking Sugawara awake.

“Oh, you got it~” Sugawara spoke sleepily and around a yawn, the pair stood and disembarked at the bus stop directly outside the nouveau gothic church.

Daichi was awestruck by the building, admiring the period features and stained-glass, gargoyles still decorating the spire and the black faux-wood entry.

They headed inside and Daichi’s attention was drawn to the beautiful exposed stone interior, two apartments on the ground floor.

“Which one is—”

“Mine? We’re going up.” Sugawara grinned, beginning the ascent up the square spiralled staircase. “We have an elevator, but I think you’d appreciate the stairs better.”

Sugawara may’ve thought he knew nothing about him; but he needed to give himself more credit, he knew him well enough.

As they wound up the stairs Daichi was blown away by the intricate stained-glass windows at the front of the spire, arched windows stretching the entire length of the wall, smaller but no less beautiful oblong windows on the flanking wall.

“This place is amazing…are you on the first floor?”

“Higher~~”

“Oh wow.” Daichi could help the giddy excitement thrumming in his body as he quickened his pace and following Sugawara skyward past the several other apartments on the first floor and to a door on the first-floor landing.

Daichi found himself holding his breath as Sugawara dug out his keys and unlocked the door, once open he saw another flight of stairs, the walls on either side decorated with paintings and the oblong windows decorated with florals in vases.

Sugawara flipped a switch on the wall, sconces lighting the way up the narrow staircase.

“Oh man, I can’t wait for you to see this.”

They ascended the staircase and turned with the building’s walls, reaching a small landing with another door, old and arched just like the original doors would’ve been.

Sugawara unlocked this one too, welcoming Daichi into his church spire loft apartment.

“Holy shit…”

“Watch your language, you’re in a church.” Sugawara snickered, ushering him inside.

“Suga, this…this is insane!”

Sugawara began laughing at his reaction but Daichi didn’t care, he looked around in wonder, to his left were huge floor to ceiling stained glass windows, the frames soft yellows and bright oranges and vibrant reds, the centre clear, lead lined uniform rectangles.

Exposed beams littered the ceiling, dark wood supporting the floor above them. As they moved further inside Daichi’s gaze landed on an established raised living area that stretched along the left wall and along the wall the entrance was on, plush sofas and between the windows was a fireplace with a television mounted on the wall above it, flanked on both sides by rows of bookshelves.

He looked at the wall the entrance was on, large, colourful tapestries draped across the expanse of otherwise white wall, nothing on the fabric aside from patterns of purples and blues, a small white door just off it.

“What’s that?”

“Bathroom.” Sugawara smiled.

He turned to his left again to see a kitchen area and breakfast bar. He rounded the breakfast bar and found more windows, this one was only on the lower half of the wall, stained glass undoubtedly painting the granite tiled floor in a myriad of colours once the sun had risen, the kitchen was compact but it didn’t matter, with the high ceilings and exposed woodwork and the windows it really didn’t matter.

The wall opposite the entrance took his breath away, it was slightly set back, ruining the perfectly square interior room, a circular window almost as large as the wall itself, the design like a kaleidoscope with the stone frame around each outer segment, eventually converging in the centre with one circular window. Beneath the window was a piano and he walked towards it, looking upwards in awe at the intricate designs of the glass, and then to his left; a door?

“Oh wow…”

He heard Sugawara approaching behind him, “you like it?”

“Like it? This place is amazing! But…where do you sleep?”

Sugawara pointed upwards, Daichi following the motion, “oh. I thought someone lived above you.”

“Nope~ The other apartments have twice the floor space as this because it’s in the spire, so I get two floors~” Sugawara took Daichi towards a black spiral staircase, decorated with gold paint patterns and the handrail wrapped with fake ivy and small white florals. 

Daichi wasn’t sure what he expected from the next floor, perhaps like a house with a hallway, bedroom, and bathroom?

But when they reached the top floor and were immediately inside the bedroom he was blown away.

The ceiling was higher in here, a chandelier falling from the centre of a domed structure, and Daichi sucked in a breath when he saw the sheer size of the room, the bed propped against the wall must’ve been at least King size, luxuriously decorated with plush bedding. There was a door to his left, but before he could ask Sugawara had already answered.

“Ensuite~”

“Oh…” And to his right was a closed black curtain. “What’s behind there?”

Sugawara walked over, beckoning him to take one of the curtains, “open it and see.”

They both opened the curtain at the same time, a huge stone arch being revealed with stained glass windows framing French doors.

“Whoa…”

Sugawara unlocked the doors, opening them to show Daichi a large balcony, “oh my…Suga, this is…” Daichi was at a loss for words, stepping out onto the stone balcony and seeing it disappear on either side of the bedroom. “Does it go all the way around?”

“Yeah, and you get some spectacular sunrises…” Sugawara smiled. Daichi looked up and sure enough Sugawara had been right, the sky was already growing lighter over the rear of the church.

“This is amazing…”

If Daichi had looked behind him he would’ve seen Sugawara smiling widely.

“Wanna go back inside? I’ll make us some breakfast.”

“Sure.”

Sugawara led him back inside, shutting the doors and the pair moved back downstairs and to the kitchen, “what do you want?”

“Uh, what about something warm?”

“Good idea! Cooked breakfast okay?”

“Yeah, sounds good to me,” He smiled, “need any help?”

“Nah, I’ll put it in and then it basically cooks itself, go sit on the couch and relax.”

Daichi did what Sugawara said, taking a seat on the white L-shaped sofa while the other man made a lot of noise in the kitchen, cussed a lot in the kitchen, and then joined him.

“Hey,” Sugawara said, leaning close and wiggling his eyebrows, “fancy meeting you here.”

Daichi laughed, shoving Sugawara’s shoulder but not enough to push him away, “I think you’ve had enough of that tonight.”

“Yeah, but it’s morning now, it already rolled over.” Sugawara leant on him heavily and Daichi removed his hand from the other man’s shoulder, watching him flail as he was left to the mercy of gravity. Sugawara’s head landed on Daichi’s legs and he was smiling up at him, his features soft and playful as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Technically wasn’t it also morning earlier on?”

“Ssssh.” Sugawara hissed around a snicker, reaching up and pressing his finger to Daichi’s lips.

Daichi gripped his wrist, moving his hand from his face and smiling, “I really hope you’ve washed your hands.”

Sugawara fell silent.

“Omg, Suga, you did wash your hands, right? You just touched food!”

Sugawara broke down into a soft and cheerful laugh, Daichi finding his hand back in his face, “sniff my finger and find out~”

Daichi swatted his hand away, scrunching up his nose, “no way! Go wash your hands right now.”

“Such a good friend making sure I don’t get cavities and that my hand doesn’t smell like anus~”

Daichi made a face of disgust.

“Daichi the prude~” his heart jolted in his chest and his stomach lurched despite Sugawara’s light, jovial tone, “doesn’t have wild uni nights and doesn’t like anus fingers~”

“So what? So what if I’m a prude?” Daichi spoke quickly, the words spilling from his lips before he could stop them. The mood becoming sour faster than spoiled milk. “Maybe I have reasons for being a prude, you don’t—”

He felt two hands grip his face tightly, cupping his cheeks, “ssh, sh, sssh, I know, Daichi…shit, I was only joking, I’m sorry. I was only messing with you—” Sugawara sat up.

“I know, _I know_ , that’s what makes it so Goddamn frustrating.” He crossed his arms over his chest, doing the same to his legs.

“—my hands are clean, I promise, my fingers haven’t been up an ass either, I was only joking about the prude thing and I’m so sorry.”

Great, now he’d made Sugawara feel guilty. His fingers dug into his biceps and he looked around, wanting to change the subject to something – anything – else.

“Hey…Suga, where are pictures of your family?”

Daichi watched Sugawara tense under the question, “uh, we had a fall out.”

“Oh…I’m sorry to hear that…” Daichi was about to change the subject, he didn’t want to put any further strain on the mood.

“It’s okay,” Sugawara curled up on himself, tucking his knees up to his chest, “it was a long time ago.” He sighed.

“You don’t have to tell me.”

“Nah, like I said, it was a long time ago,” Sugawara smiled, “I’ve come to accept whatever happens, happens. So fuck everyone else.”

“Not literally, I hope.” Daichi said the words before he could stop them, also unable to fight the grin on his face. “Shit, I—"

Sugawara laughed before he could apologise, “I think I’d die if I fucked _everyone_. And it would probably take a long time, so I think I’d be dead either way.”

Daichi watched the other man fix himself on the sofa, shuffling back so he was pressed against the backrest and slightly…closer?

“Was it because of your sexuality?” He found himself asking, settling his hands in his lap and looking to the side.

“Probably a little? But I know they didn’t like one of my exes.”

“Oh…I see.”

“Eh,” Sugawara shrugged, holding onto his biceps with his arms framing his knees, “looking back I can see where they were coming from…ten years is a bit of an age difference, especially for a fifteen-year-old shithead who reckoned the sun shone out his ass. Newsflash: it didn’t.”

“ _Ten_ _years?_ ” Daichi repeated for lack of anything better to say.

Sugawara hummed, “ten years, he was twenty-five and he was due to take over his father’s company, and he wanted _me_. I kept it a secret from my parents until I was eighteen; they were furious and I walked out. Two months later I found out the guy was newly married and his wife was expecting their first child.” Daichi felt Sugawara’s head on his shoulder, just like on the bus. He looked at him as he gazed at an invisible spot on the coffee table. “It went sour and I was alone. I didn’t want to go back to my parents – I was too proud and our family had always had a _make your bed and lie in it_ mentality so that’s what I did.”

“But…what did you do then? You were homeless, right?”

Sugawara lifted his head and scoffed to the ceiling, “as if, I went to his house when I knew it’d just be his wife and I fucking slept with her, she paid me for my silence and I was able to buy this place outright.”

“Jesus…how much did she give you?”

“One million, I still have some in the bank…but I paid myself through university and that night you helped me get my things from my parent’s house was the last time I saw my family.”

“Five years ago…”

“Five years ago. In that time I went to university and studied, I got myself a job and I’m now the highest position on my floor with more successes coming my way. The only family I’m still in touch with is my cousin.”

“Ah, yeah, you mentioned them in the bookstore?”

“Yeah, that’s Kiyoko. She’s got the cutest baby boy; but his dad is a total douche, me and him had a fight. And ever since me and Kiyoko have been communicating.”

“I see…well I’m glad you at least have someone, Suga.” Daichi fell quiet, debating whether to ask his next question. Fuck it. “So…was the guy you met last night _him?_ The guy who was ten years older?”

“Hell no, last night was Heisuke the—” Sugawara paused on a breath “—the old curator of the bug house…”

Daichi wasn’t sure why, but the information made his heart slam into his ribcage.

_What?_

He thought back to their first coffee date, when Sugawara spoke so lowly of his predecessor. Was that why?

“I’ve never had a stable relationship, Daichi. The thought of having one scares me shitless. I’ve only ever known shallow relationships I’m not sure can be classed as love, I’ve been in relationships that just want my money, people who just want my looks, want to break me, want to use me. Hell, at one point I was taking a knife with me into every sexual encounter _just in case._ ”

Daichi was at a loss for words.

“Suga, I—”

“But now none of that interests me anymore, I’m committed to my work and my friends, I’m committed to becoming a better person; because that’s what I want to do.” Sugawara took a breath. “There’s someone who makes me want to do it.” Copper and mocha eyes met his own, boring into him.

“Never change for someone else, Suga…” Daichi found himself saying almost breathlessly. “It goes nowhere good.”

He looked away from Sugawara’s eyes, unable to look at him as he muttered quietly, “it sounds like you’re speaking from experience.”

He closed his eyes, mimicking how Sugawara was sat.

It was okay to tell him, right?

At least a little bit…

“I am.”

“Daichi,” he heard the rise to Sugawara’s voice, “you don’t have to—”

“I know I don’t, I’m not ready for that yet and for that I apologise; but just know that changing for someone else is never a good thing. Change for yourself, but never someone else.”

“But what if this person makes you want to become a better person?”

Daichi found himself shaking his head, “just…don’t.”

“Okay…”

They sat in silence for what felt like five minutes but could’ve been no longer than one.

“Breakfast!” Sugawara called, bolting off the couch and around into the kitchen area and opening the oven. “Shite, Daichi! Can you scramble some brains—eggs! Eggs!”

Daichi jolted from his place on the couch, crossing the floor and going into the kitchen, “how many?”

“I already put them on the worktop before.” Sugawara said, worming his way around Daichi’s body to get to the toaster, flipping the switch for the radio as he went. “How many pieces of toast you want?”

“Two please.” Daichi responded, reaching for the eggs on the unit and cracking them into a plastic jug, adding light salt and pepper before whisking just enough to break the yolks and mix them into the whites.

He spun around Sugawara and over to the microwave, putting the jug inside and turning it on.

“What else?”

“Want beans?”

“Nah, I’m not a lover of beans.”

“Good, me neither, beans are the devil’s food. Pass me the butter from the fridge?”

“You mean beans make the devil’s music.” He laughed, heading to the fridge, finding the butter and turning back to Sugawara to see him taking out two plates and reach to turn the oven off. “Anything else?”

“Take a seat,” Sugawara said, waiting for the toast to finish, “I’ll bring it over now.”

“You sure?”

A nod.

So Daichi did as Sugawara asked, taking a seat at the breakfast bar and watching Sugawara finish off the breakfast.

Soon they were sat together, eating their meal and talking lightly.

“Hey, Suga,” he waited until he had the other man’s attention, “are you busy Christmas day?”

“Huh?” He muttered around a mouthful of food, covering his mouth with his hand. “I mean…I sometimes meet up with Tetsurou and Kenma – but with the engagement I was gonna let them have a Christmas alone.”

“So…you’re free?”

“Yes.”

“Would you like to come to mine? I—I mean, my parent’s, Oikawa usually comes but this year he’s going to Japan with Iwaizumi, so…y’know, it’d be fine if you came because Oikawa always comes.”

Sugawara looked to his food, playing with a piece of sausage with his fork, stabbing it, “is that really okay?”

“Of course! I wouldn’t offer if it wasn’t.”

“Then…I’d like that, thank you.” Sugawara smiled so softly. “What about you? What’s your family like?”

“Stiflingly supportive,” Daichi smiled, “my mum runs a small, well-established book store and my dad is a lecturer for English Language at the university, my older sister is an editor for an evening newspaper and my younger brother is just finishing his second year at university.”

“Wow…success runs in the family then?” “You could say that,” Daichi laughed nervously, “I wish I could do what they do, instead I just hide behind a lie.”

“A lie?”

“I—” The radio that’d been playing in the background quietly began to play a song that stopped Daichi in his tracks. “Hey, Suga, can I…change the station?”

“Uh, sure, turn it off if you want.”

Daichi stood up, going over to the radio and turning it off.

“Oh, you’ll need to pack something warm, it works out as a two-night stay but we’re only there really for two days; I hope you don’t mind.”

“Oh, that’ll be fun!” Sugawara grinned, taking their empty plates to the dishwasher. “Where do they live?”

“Up North on the mountains, it can get pretty cold up there!”

“Oh wow! I’ve never been up there before!” Sugawara sounded excited, ushering them both to the living area again and Daichi settled on the couch, watching Sugawara continue to potter around. “But now you’ve mentioned it you do have a small accent!” He moved to underneath the large circular stained-glass window.

Daichi half laughed, “you picked up on it?”

“Yeah, it’s barely there, but I can hear it on some of your words, like when your voice goes _deep.”_ Sugawara mimicked a deep voice.

Daichi laughed, taking off his shoes and settling with his head against the armrest of the couch, looking up at Sugawara, his eyes felt heavy, body warm, and stomach full, his body clock was telling him it was near eight a.m. and he struggled to keep his eyes open.

But he was glad he did, the view was spectacular.

The sun chose the right time to hit the circular stained-glass window, an array of colours lighting up the space around Sugawara’s head, the other man continued to talk and do whatever he was doing out of Daichi’s line of sight, seemingly unaware of the magic behind him.

Daichi watched entranced by the way reds, oranges, and pinks fluttered across Sugawara’s silver hair as he moved, it reminded him of the butterfly house, the first time he’d seen the man consumed by all manner of colours…but this time it was different, this time his face wasn’t obscured but rather lit up by the colours hidden in beating wings and shards of lead-lined glass.

He forgot to listen to whatever Sugawara was saying, getting lost in the rapturous display of the visible light spectrum as the sun climbed higher from its resting place behind the horizon, spectacular crepuscular rays of blues and yellows and vibrant greens bouncing off airborne dust and painting the floor in a pattern like a carpet of lush florals; bluebells under a forest canopy, expanses of wild daisies and dandelions and everything in between.

Like the butterflies at the butterfly house.

Only this time there were no wings to tickle Sugawara’s lips, no glitter in his hair like the stars in the sky or butterflies on his shirt where they’d settled previously.

He wasn’t hiding, _this_ was Sugawara Koushi in his most natural form.

And Daichi couldn’t deny it anymore, he liked Sugawara Koushi.

His eyes grew heavier and he struggled more and more to keep them open, eventually giving into the desire to sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

By the time he realised Daichi was no longer listening he’d looked over to find the other man sleeping.

He pursed his lips and they thinned in his effort to not smile, but it was an unsuccessful endeavour and he found himself moving closer to look at the man who seemed to be already deep in slumber.

He watched the gentle rise and fall of Daichi’s chest, the one arm draped over his stomach and the other behind his head, his legs were crossed at the ankle and his head was dipped against his chest.

While he slept he looked so…natural. He didn’t wear a pensive expression or look like a deer in headlights, his expression was soft and his features relaxed.

Sugawara found himself wondering if he drooled, if he would drool.

It didn’t matter. How could he pass up the opportunity to observe Daichi?

He sat on the other end of the L-shaped sofa, finding himself taking everything he could from the opportunity that presented itself to him. He watched as Daichi moved slightly onto his side, pressed up against the backrest.

Sugawara picked up the book he’d been reading from under the coffee table, continuing to read for at least an hour before his mind conjured up a plan.

Sugawara gnawed at his lip when he started feeling the urge.

He could totally do it.

Definitely.

But would he get away with utilising Daichi’s vulnerability?

Still gnawing his lip he reached forward, running the very tip of his finger along the sole of Daichi’s foot and breaking into a smile when Daichi’s leg twitched and drew his foot up slightly closer to himself. He moved to do it again, but this time he didn’t have to touch Daichi to have the other man curl up tightly on himself, into foetal position.

His face was no longer relaxed, features twisted in grimace and arms wrapped around his legs.

Sugawara froze, not daring to move as he watched a full body tremble wash over Daichi’s form, his muscles tightening impossibly.

What…?

A quiet groan; pained and Daichi was on his side completely cradling himself.

Daichi…?

“ _No…”_ His eyes were screwed shut tightly, breath short. _“No!”_

Sugawara startled as Daichi sat upright, his breath catching in his throat when he saw the other man’s brow coated in a sheen of sweat, body heaving as he tried to draw in air.

“Daichi?”

Wide eyes stared into Sugawara’s, looking around at their surroundings.

“Daichi?” He repeated. “Are you okay?”

Frantic nodding, jittery words. “I—I’m okay.”

Sugawara hated being lied to. But just this once he let it slide, instead choosing to put his book down and reach over to Daichi and rubbing a soothing pattern into his back.

Had he just caused that?

 

* * *

 

 

The journey to Daichi’s parent’s house was a three-hour train ride, Sugawara’s ass had started going numb after the first hour and a half. But finally they were pulling into the snow-covered station and already Sugawara was realising how different it was this high up the mountains; for one the snow was actually _snow_ , hardly trodden and definitely not slush.

He was glad Daichi had given him the window seat.

He could feel Daichi’s eyes observing his reaction to the snowy world outside, the blanket of white making the ground shimmer in the late evening streets illuminated by soft white lights instead of cloying orange sodium ones.

“Ready?”

Sugawara turned to look at Daichi, “ready!”

Daichi reached for their things in the overhead compartment, bringing their two cases down and lifting the handles. Sugawara gripped his, following Daichi down towards the doors that would open in a matter of minutes.

The train stopped with a hiss, and the doors were pulled open by platform conductors. The smell of smoke was thick in the air on the mountainside, and as he climbed out after Daichi he was reminded where most of it came from.

It was a tourist attraction that the mountains had a steam engine.

He’d just ridden a steam train for the first time in his life at twenty-four-years-old.

He definitely didn’t regret it.

He followed Daichi from the station, taking one last look at the royal blue and black train with polished silver accents.

The station was sheltered from the coldest weather, and walking through the inside of the station offered solace from the cold, all the while Sugawara was amazed by just how many people acknowledged Daichi, and how many people Daichi greeted in return, they never stopped to talk to anyone, but it was startling just how close knit it was compared to the city. And once they were outside the illusion of warmth was cruelly shattered.

Daichi had been right; it was _freezing._

He shivered and followed Daichi along narrow side streets, feet missing the curb side several times with being so unused to something so bottlenecked. Eventually the street widened a little and he used it as his chance to catch up to Daichi.

“So, where do you live?”

“Not far,” Daichi said with a smile, leading Sugawara towards a quiet side street, poorly lit until they reached a wooden gate, “be careful, these are steps.” “Okay!” Sugawara shifted so Daichi could open the gate, watching as the slats collected snow and drifted it to the side. He closed the gate behind them and they began climbing the stone steps up towards the house.

At their movement small lights began illuminating their footwork, fairy lights overhead wrapped around a wooden vine support, Daichi turned slightly, Sugawara missing what he’d said thanks to the lights shining off the snow and casting onto Daichi’s face. It wasn’t bright enough to cause deep shadows like the sodium lights of the city, these were gentle caresses of darker olive skin tone and Sugawara felt his heart soar at the sight.

Fuck.

He was handsome.

“Suga, you okay?”

He looked up, meeting Daichi’s eyes, slight concern on his features.

“Y—Yeah, sorry, just tired.” Sugawara said, almost as if his body was taking the fall for him he found himself yawning and solidifying his excuse.

“As long as that’s all.” Daichi smiled, pressing on with their trek and the garden around the path beginning to open up.

“Oh wow…” Sugawara gasped, catching the view from Daichi’s family home and seeing the city lights miles below them. It was deceiving, making him believe they weren’t almost one-hundred-and-fifty miles away and almost one-thousand-five-hundred metres up.

Finally they reached the house, a grand house on the top of the hill, typical Georgian cottage in style, reminiscent of a cottage but bigger, red brick with sash windows. He heard soft thudding and saw Daichi kicking the wall of the house, snow falling from his boots before he stepped under the shelter of the porch and wiping the soles of his feet on a hilariously cute hedgehog ornament with bristles meant for cleaning the soles of shoes.

He copied Daichi’s movements, listening to the sound of the heavy, black-painted oak door opening, laughter and talking from inside the warm interior. He could smell food cooking and hoped it wasn’t just the ghost of the smell.

Daichi pulled their suitcases through the front door, Sugawara giving his feet one last wipe on the doormat before entering.

“I’m home!” Daichi called, being unable to take so much as five steps further before they were bombarded by a very, _very_ , large dog.

Sugawara startled as the animal reared on its hind legs and lunged at Daichi, the other man gripping paws almost as big as his hands with all the thick fur. Daichi was laughing as the dog began licking at his face.

“Hey, hey, why don’t you get Suga, huh?”

Daichi teased the beast, grinning at Sugawara as the dog’s attention turned to him and he found himself pressed on the front door, tickling ridiculously fluffy ears.

“Daichi?”

Sugawara looked up to see Daichi embrace an older woman and he playfully pushed at the dog to get her off him.

“Aki leave the poor lad alone!” An older man scolded lightly, the dog – Aki – pulling away from Sugawara at the command. “He a guest!”

“Ah—thank you, sir.” Sugawara smiled, greeting the older man with a handshake. “I’m Sugawara Koushi, thank you for having me.”

“It’s our pleasure, Sugawara,” he returned, his voice soft and welcoming, “I’m Masahiro, it’s nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.”

“Oh, Daichi, is this the young man you were talking about?”

“Yes, Etsuko!” Masahiro confirmed to his wife. “This is Sugawara Koushi!”

If Sugawara didn’t know better he’d say the older man’s tone was brimming with pride, but he did know better – or so he thought. There was no way Masahiro was proud to announce his presence.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you!” He soon found himself in a crushing embrace from the woman, her long, thick hair tied secure in two plaits. “I’m Etsuko.”

“It’s an honour to be here, Mr. Sawamura, Mrs. Sawamura, thank you both for having me.”

“The honour is ours, Sugawara, please, call us Etsuko and Masahiro,” Etsuko insisted, “while you’re here, you’re family.”

Sugawara felt his face growing hot at the statement.

Family?

They’d accept a stranger just like that?

“Enough standing in the entryway!” Etsuko decided, clapping her hands. “Daichi, be a dear and take your things upstairs, Sugawara would you like to come with us?”

“Sure, and please, call me Koushi or Suga,” Sugawara responded with a smile, passing Daichi a glance and a smile as he was led into the kitchen, Daichi left to take their suitcases upstairs. He petted Aki’s head as she walked beside him, “it’s nice to meet you, Aki.”

The kitchen was warm, and he was grateful to see the food still cooking on the stove; it smelled delicious.

He saw two other people sat at the table, a woman and a man, Daichi’s siblings?

“Mamoru, Fumiko, this is Sugawara Koushi! Daichi’s friend!” Etsuko introduced.

“Hey, nice to meet you,” the woman smiled, looking up from her reading material, “I’m Fumiko.”

“I’m Mamoru!” The young man followed, eyes like Daichi’s yet also so different; confident and relaxed. “Are you a new friend? I’ve never seen you before; or heard Daichi mention you, either.”

“Ah, uhm…” Sugawara hovered nervously in the kitchen.

“Koushi, please, take a seat.” Etsuko mothered, smiling as she pulled one of the dining table chairs out for him. “Make yourself at home, would you like a drink?”

“Ah, no thank you,” Sugawara smiled, sitting in the seat Etsuko had prepared, turning to Daichi’s siblings, “me and Daichi met in September.”

“Oh! A new friend!” Etsuko cooed. “How nice! How did you meet?”

“Oh, uh, it was in a club—”

“Are you the guy he sucked face with?” Fumiko suddenly asked, making Sugawara twist to look at the woman.

“Uh, we…shared a drunken kiss, yes.” Sugawara could feel his face burning, unsure whether he should be saying what he was saying.

“He also glassed me.” Daichi said with a light tone, walking into the room.

“Yeah, but I’d take a bullet for you so, y’know, I think we’re even.”

He heard the affectionate huff from Daichi and the latter sat beside him.

“I’m so glad Daichi had someone to look out for him while he was going through such a tough time!” Etsuko sighed, resting his cheek in her hand as she stirred the pot on the stove.

He found the previously quiet Masahiro hum in agreement, before Daichi protested, “mother, I’m okay.”

“That’s not what Tooru told us,” Fumiko reasoned, her voice so calm but her words holding a clipped edge that sounded like such a…mothering tone, “from what we’ve heard you’ve been smashing things and fighting.”

Sugawara tried not to make his staring obvious, passing glances between the family before moving to stand, “can I use the bathroom?” Daichi directed him and Sugawara vacated to room, drowning out the sound of voices as he climbed the stairs.

If Daichi wasn’t ready to tell him then, as much as he wanted to know, he wouldn’t listen to their family conversation.

He pretended to use the bathroom and waited up there a little longer just to be safe; as he walked down the stairs Daichi appeared from the kitchen.

“Hey, I was just coming to tell you dinner was ready, you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry, travel sometimes gives me a sore stomach.” Sugawara lied with a well-practiced smile, they pair walking back into the kitchen for the meal.

Sugawara saw the family sitting down together, a table set for six with plates of fresh bread cobs and bowls of warm stew, candles lit as a centrepiece.

He sat beside Daichi, taking his place as the sixth member around the table, for the first time in five years feeling like he was bathed in the light and warmth a family could bring, a sense of belonging and acceptance in a room of people he’d only, really, just met.

The meal passed with light banter and jokes being thrown around the table, family stories about childhoods and memories from bygone halcyon days made Sugawara feel like he’d known Daichi forever.

Before he knew it, it was just before midnight and his eyes were growing heavy, the couch he was sat on was so soft, he found himself being swallowed up by it, resting his head on the backrest only to have it sink several centimetres. With the warmth of the log fire heating the room and the gentle crackling sound, the dimmed wall lights combined with the Christmas tree illuminating one corner of the room made it so cosy.

He usually wasn’t a fan of brandy, either, but when Masahiro brought out the bottle he found himself nursing a glass, listening to the tales of Daichi’s passed grandfather and his grandfather’s insistence that brandy warmed him up on nights like this, he smiled, agreeing in that moment that he felt very warm, and he was drinking brandy.

Things weren’t helped when Etsuko brought out the woollen tasselled blankets, instantly recognising them as the same as the one Daichi had back in the city. Over one L-shaped sofa, a two-seater loveseat, and a single rocking chair the whole family were sprawled out, Aki included.

He hadn’t felt so at ease in a long time, so welcome and safe and warm. He tucked the blanket up under his chin and looked over at Daichi, the other man looking so relaxed as he sat with his legs tucked up on the couch, one knee tucked away under his body and the other raised, arm resting on one knee as he spoke to his brother on the couch over.

“Suga,” a gentle nudge and a quiet voice, “wanna go get our presents?”

“Hm?” Sugawara snapped his head up and blinking furiously, had he really been about to fall asleep? Had he already been dozing?

“We’re gonna open presents now and then go to bed.”

“Oh, yeah.” Even when moving his body felt warm and relaxed, he finished his drink and placed the glass on his side table, following Daichi to his room where their bags were stored, noticing the family doing similar things, everyone going to their rooms to retrieve hidden gifts and presents.

They moved into the loft space, Daichi’s bedroom following the feeling of rest of the house and was quaint with exposed beams, woollen blankets strewn over a metal-frame bed, it was colder up here and Sugawara watched as Daichi flipped a switch, a small fake log burner humming into life.

“That’ll warm it up some more before we come up.”

Sugawara smiled, humming his agreement before fishing two presents from his bag; of course he couldn’t come to the family empty handed.

They headed downstairs again and he felt nervous butterflies in his stomach, he hadn’t exchanged gifts like this in five years, had never exchanged them at midnight.

And what if Daichi didn’t like his gift?

It wasn’t anything impressive, he’d just seen it and thought it’d been perfect for Daichi. He didn’t know why, but the quote rang true, also.

They took their seats and watched as the family gifted each other presents from colognes to pajamas, he smiled when he watched them hand Aki a new chew toy. Daichi turned to him and offered a gift bag from one of the jewellery stores near the museum.

“I hope you like it.” Oh. Daichi looked nervous, sounded it too.

He handed Daichi’s gift to the other man as well before reaching for the gift bag with shaking hands, pulling on the ribbon as he heard Daichi also opening his gift.

Coloured tissue paper?

He carefully felt inside, landing on something solid and wrapped in the same coloured paper as the one the bag was filled with, withdrawing it and beginning to unwrap the present he sucked in a breath when he saw it.

No way.

It was beautiful.

He carefully eased it from its wrapping, holding it up to the dim light and watching the silver vine catch the light, crystal raindrops on silver leaves glinting like stars and finally the four colourful glass butterflies; orange, purple, pink, and blue; wrapped in silver wire that made small antennas made him want to grab the other man and hug him tightly. It was perfect.

“Oh my God…Daichi I—” He looked up at Daichi, watching him look at his gift with a strange expression.

Oh no.

He let the silver pocket watch fall from his hand, holding the chain and he smiled as he inspected it some more, Sugawara feeling relief that immediately jolted in his chest when Daichi’s eyes met his, the watch seeming to fade out from Sugawara’s line of view and silver being replaced with deep chocolate brown.

“I love it.”

“Th—There’s also an inscription…on the back…” Was all Sugawara could say.

Daichi seemed surprised, turning the pocket watch to look at the back plate.

_Write your story._

_It’ll be a best seller._

              “Suga…”

Sugawara hadn’t been sure why, at the time it was a thought at midnight as he lay in bed, and after several more attempts it remained the one that drew him in the most, it seemed to fit Daichi. And with the turmoil Daichi was hiding Sugawara’s want to know his story only grew and grew.

If he was to write his story he’d gladly read it, and he was sure many others would too.

“And I love mine,” Sugawara said, looking back down at the ornament and feeling a new kind of warmth in his chest, “I absolutely love it. Thank you.”

“Honestly, I’m glad.” Daichi smiled, leaning over the space between them to hug Sugawara, the latter immediately latching onto Daichi to try and hide the fact he was tearing up, arms wrapped tightly around Daichi’s underarms and onto his upper back.

They eventually pulled apart and suddenly there was another present for him.

He looked down at the box, and then up at the family.

“For me?” To the box again.

“You honestly didn’t think we were gonna open our gifts in front of you and leave you out, did you?” Fumiko asked, almost scandalised but her tone more worrisome above all else.

“I…I didn’t really think about it; I got you all something.” He reached down the side of the couch and pulled out a box of his own.

It wasn’t anything expensive, he hadn’t bought for a family in a long time. But he hoped a candle, shortbread biscuits, and wine would be sufficed.

It seemed he’d done okay, the family cooing over his presents and Etsuko proudly exclaiming the candle would be the centrepiece of the meal later that day, without even smelling it first.

He turned to the box in his lap, tucking the glass ornament back into its bag and beginning to pick at the wrapping paper.

Inside was one of the blankets he’d seen around the house, that he’d been curled up under just half an hour earlier, like the one in Daichi’s apartment back in the city. It was blues and greens, the colourful wool knitting together and making Sugawara think of the ocean and his favourite colours.

He grinned and wrapped it around his shoulders.

“I love it, thank you.” He reached forward and offered each family member a hug, wrapping them tightly in an embrace he hoped would convey just how much the gesture; the night; their acceptance meant to him.

He saved Daichi until last, whispering an additional _thank you_ low in his ear.

_Thank you for everything._

After that the family began to settle for bed, Sugawara finding himself under Daichi’s blankets and in the other man’s bed for only the third time, but it filled him with ease, he felt safe and comfortable and _warm_. White fairy lights wrapped around the exposed beams adding a soft glow to the room, as soon as his head hit the pillow he felt himself giving into slumber, gladly doing so.


	10. Half-Truths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas in September? It's more likely than you think

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood music:   
> [Crystal Snow by BTS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wa9P-xOlD8)  
> [I'm Fine by BTS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGVjM8b3Xwo)  
> [Yellow Lights by Harry Hudson](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sj5RxBll8P8)

It was still dark when Sugawara next awoke, it wasn’t completely dark and there was a soft, muted blue tone to the room, so it was at least predawn.

He sighed through his nose, body feeling almost stiflingly hot but the arm outside the covers felt refreshingly cool. He looked to his left, looking at the sleeping body beside him and smiling as he moved to sit up with a yawn.

He leaned on his hands, reclining back just slightly as he blearily blinked away the remainder of his sleep and adjusted to the weak light in the room. The covers fell from his chest and he found himself pleasantly surprised to still be wearing his pajamas this time.

But his mind was soon distracted. It was difficult. Just days earlier he was wanting to know everything about Daichi, almost selfishly so; but now the opportunity to do so was dangled right in front of him and he was so, so tempted.

But that’d hurt Daichi.

So he wouldn’t.

Until Daichi told him himself, he wouldn’t dig or snoop.

Even if he _really_ wanted to.

“Suga…”

Sugawara looked beside him and at Daichi, now awake, albeit still looking tired.

“Yeah?”

“You okay?” He asked, huffing as he rolled onto his front and sinking back into his pillow, not taking his eyes off Sugawara.

“Oh,” Sugawara sat up straight, “yeah, are you?”

“Yeah, I…” Daichi looked at him, sighing and hugging his pillow, “listen, my grandparents are gonna be here today and…I know they’re gonna bring things up and I don’t want you to feel like you have to leave, okay?”

Sugawara paused for a minute, was he going to tell him?

“Okay, Daichi…um, is there anything I should know before they arrive?”

Daichi sat up, shoulders hunched in on himself as he brought his legs up and rested his cheek on his knee.

“Just…my family don’t know everything.”

Sugawara found himself nodding, “okay,” he said softly, “okay.”

Daichi looked like he wanted to say more, teasing his lip between his teeth and going to open his mouth, instead he looked to the skylight window to the front of the house, “I wanna show you something.”

He pushed the covers from his body, beckoning Sugawara to the window and opening the blinds, Sugawara followed him, stopping beside him. Sugawara was surprised to see a layer of snow thicker than he’d anticipated on the window and he quickly realised that it was probably much lighter than he’d originally thought, the snow casting a blue tone to the bedroom.

“Ready?” Daichi grasped the handle.

“Ready.” Sugawara confirmed, watching as Daichi, with a considerable amount of effort, forced the skylight open.

The sunlight stung his eyes, sun just beginning to peek over the horizon, sky a watercolour wash of ice blue and fading into yellow and orange, thick white mist covered the rolling hills, and making silhouettes of trees and houses stand out almost black. He could see the train station, silent and closed where it was bustling just the day before, snow stacked high against the station building and signal house.

Chimneys from homes silently smoking as fires burned and families awoke to Christmas day.

Sugawara was once again floored by the beauty of where Daichi’d grown up. He wondered why the man would move into the city where he wouldn’t have views like these. But then he also realised that he was just a visitor; for Daichi this lifestyle had likely gone stale.

He clutched at his stomach when it made its hunger known, looking at Daichi sheepishly.

“Wanna head down and get breakfast?”

Sugawara nodded, “please.”

“Let’s go then.” Daichi smiled warmly, offering Sugawara a jumper for his bare arms. He took it gratefully, allowing the warm fabric to consume his body and pool around him, watching Daichi do the same.

They headed downstairs together, Sugawara catching sight of the wall clock that read just past nine a.m., he shivered as they reached the hallway, feeling the chill of the old house nipping at his clothed body.

Sugawara looked around the kitchen, taking in all the small details he’d missed the day before; every scuff and crack having a story to tell, Sugawara wanting to know them all.

“What would you like for breakfast?” Daichi asked as Sugawara took a seat at the table, tucking his legs up and his toes curling against the seat to avoid the cold floor.

Sugawara hummed in thought, resting his head on his hand, “what do you have?”

“Well—"

“Don’t be filling up on breakfast, you two,” Etsuko chided softly from the doorway, “eat light; I’m about to start dinner.”

“You start this early?” Sugawara asked, looking at the woman as she moved to the sink basin, washing her hands.

“Of course!” Etsuko cheerily smiled, drying her hands on the towel and turning the radio on. “With nine to feed I need all the time I can grab!”

Sugawara found himself smiling, moving to stand up. He wondered when he’d ever get the chance to be a part of something like this again, “then can I help you?”

Etsuko looked at him and Sugawara was sure she’d politely refuse his help, that’s what hosts did to their guests, right? But instead she smiled, “wash your hands. You too, Daichi, don’t think you’re getting out of it.”

He smiled too, jumping from his perch and also washing his hands beside Daichi. He wasn’t blind to how the other man stood beside him in such close quarters or shared the same stream of tap water, he found himself becoming distracted by how things were changing; Daichi slowly growing more confident with entering Sugawara’s personal space, and welcoming Sugawara into his own.

He caught the fragrance of the soap bar, he inspected it and noted the small florals embedded in the bar, “is this soap handmade?”

“It is indeed,” Etsuko smiled, “rose and sweet pea.”

“It smells great!” He responded, drying his hands on the towel and moving over to help Etsuko, feeling Daichi’s presence still following him.

“We can go to Mari’s tomorrow if you’d like, she has a lot of different ones and it’d be something nice for you to take back to the city!” Etsuko smiled.

“Oh wow, that’d be wonderful, thank you!”

The trio fell into silence as they began working on preparing the lunch, Etsuko and Sugawara working together to peel and slice potatoes while Daichi prepared the vegetables.

The house slowly came to life around them, Mamoru and Masahiro going out to shovel snow so they could get the car from the garage and pick up Daichi’s grandparents, Fumiko taking Aki onto the field behind the house.

Sugawara watched the young woman and the dog as they ran through knee deep snow, being caught off guard by how beautiful the scenery around him was.

“Right, you two go get dressed, your grandparents will be here soon, Daichi!” Etsuko shooed them from the kitchen, Sugawara chasing Daichi up the stairs to escape Etsuko’s tea towel whip. The laugh he heard from Daichi quickly had him joining in.

They pair were still laughing when the reached the loft space, Sugawara throwing himself onto the foot of Daichi’s bed, finding himself temporarily aloft as Daichi landed beside him, he laughed to the ceiling, looking at the man next to him as he lifted his face from the duvet.

Sugawara felt a flutter in his chest as he saw Daichi’s smiling face looking back at him, the expression twisting into mild concern at Sugawara’s fading laughter.

“You okay?”

“I’m amazing,” Sugawara replied somewhat breathlessly, “I’m having so much fun… thank you.” He smiled, letting the arm draped over his waist flop onto the bed between them. “I forgot how fun a family could be…”

His heart jolted in his chest when he felt a warm hand encase his own, side glancing at the way Daichi’s large, warm hand was now holding his. His face smiling and cheek squished against the arm he was resting his head on as he looked back at Sugawara.

“You’re always welcome here, Suga.” He squeezed Sugawara’s hand supportively and Sugawara blinked to fight back the sting in his eyes, returning the hold.

“Gee, what’s got you so affectionate?” Sugawara grinned.

“Just feeling appreciative.” Daichi replied simply with what Sugawara guessed was a shrug.

Sugawara had to break eye contact, instead looking to Daichi’s hairline and the small indented scar left behind from the night they’d first met, it was harder to see now; Daichi’s hair longer than it had been.

“You need a haircut.” Sugawara smirked, removing his hand from Daichi’s and rolling onto his side, thumbing along the scar.

“You think?” Daichi asked, taking his free hand and tugging on a lock of his hair, looking up at it.

Sugawara hummed, leaning on his elbow, “I mean, if you want to. You suit it this length too.” He watched as Daichi’s face responded to the compliment, cheeks just a little redder than before. He found it endearing how Daichi couldn’t seem to form a response. “Wanna get ready? Your grandparents should be here soon.”

“Yeah,” Daichi smiled but made no attempt at moving, “they’re gonna love you.”

“Even though I glassed their first grandson?” Sugawara grinned, sitting up but also not making a move to get dressed.

“What they don’t know won’t kill them.”

“Oho? I thought our origin story was pretty damn romantic if you ask me.”

Sugawara felt himself blush and his heart flutter as Daichi laughed at the comment, “definitely. It could be a best-selling novel.”

“How about a blockbuster movie?”

“Only if they tell it right and don’t skip out on the details.” Daichi was looking at the ceiling, his cheeks swelling round with amusement.

“Oh yeah and gave us the Oscars instead of the actors.”

Daichi laughed, “what would you do with an Oscar?”

“I’d tell people I won an Oscar, _duh,”_ Sugawara smirked, listening to Daichi snort beside him, “then I’d sell it on eBay and use the money to buy something nice; treat myself, y’know?”

“Yeah…” Daichi smiled, “I know.”

“What about you, Daichi, what would you do with an Oscar?”

“Uh, I don’t know,” Daichi said, sitting up with a contemplative expression, “um…”

“Think fast!” Sugawara used his shoulder to bump into Daichi’s side, knocking him just slightly.

Daichi laughed, nudging him back, “I don’t know!”

“I smell bullshit.”

“I—”

The sound of the front door opening caught the pair’s attention, listening to the sound of five different voices all loud and festively cheerful drifting up from the ground floor to the loft.

“Damn,” Sugawara relented, “saved by the grandparents.”

Daichi smiled, moving to his wardrobe and removing a navy jumper and light blue jeans, Sugawara busied himself with his own clothes; a black and white stripy polo neck jumper and black skinny jeans, turning his back to Daichi so he could get changed.

Five minutes later and they were ready, Sugawara following on Daichi’s heels as he descended the staircase. But his whole posture was different, Sugawara watched his tense shoulders and his straight posture, he heard the long, steadying breath too.

He was nervous.

But Sugawara wasn’t sure what he could do…

If he could do anything at all.

He worried at his lip, only hesitating for a moment longer before reaching forward and tugging Daichi’s sleeve.

The man in front of him turned to face him, Sugawara’s heart racing in his chest as he realised he was taller than Daichi with their current position, he registered Daichi’s confusion, and shook himself from his thoughts.

              “Whatever gets said today won’t change what I think of you.” Sugawara reassured, letting his feelings be known.

The barest of smiles graced Daichi’s lips, “thank you.”

“Daichi!”

Sugawara jumped at the sudden loud voice, turning to look at the older woman at the base of the stairs.

“Nana, hey,” Daichi greeted, descending the stairs to embrace her, “how are you?”

“All the better for seeing you,” she returned, returning the hug before tapping him lightly on his cheek, her eyes drifted up to Sugawara, “who’s your friend?”

“Ah, this is Sugawara Koushi.” Daichi greeted, Sugawara taking it as his cue to climb the rest of the stairs and greet the older woman.

“Sugawara Koushi, but call me Suga or Koushi, it’s nice to meet you.”

“Likewise, Koushi! Please, call me nana, Tooru does, or Ayame if that’s what you’d prefer.” She smiled cheerfully, holding Sugawara’s hands in her own. “Your skin is so soft!”

“Thank you,” Sugawara spoke around a smile, holding her hands, “I wish I could tell you that I did something with them but honestly I probably should take better care of them.”

“Well if you give me your address I’ll send you some of my hand creams.” She said softly, stroking the backs of his hands before letting go.

“Oh, thank you.” Sugawara smiled, looking at Daichi with a smile before following his grandma into the kitchen.

They greeted the other two older family members before Etsuko shooed the eight family members into the living room out the way. Sugawara quickly melted into the familial warmth of the room, watching the grandparents praise their grandchildren and getting to learn just a little more about what was quickly beginning to feel like his own family.

“So, Koushi!” Daichi’s grandfather addressed, sat beside his wife. “Tell us more about yourself, have you known Daichi long?”

“Oh, uh, we’ve known each other about four months now? And we met on a night out with our friends.”

“Pops, did you know they met when Suga glassed Daichi over the head?”

“Uh, yeah…” Sugawara sheepishly admitted, playing with Aki’s ears. “He spilled his drink on me.”

“Actually someone _pushed_ _me_ , I spilled the drink because they _pushed me_ , and it actually wasn’t _my_ drink it was a drink _I_ was gonna give to _you._ ”

Oh.

He hadn’t known that.

“What the heck why didn’t you tell me?” Sugawara asked, aghast and holding his hand to his chest. “This whole time I thought you’d spilled your drink on me—” Sugawara paused.

Heisuke.

In the past Heisuke had been the only person brave enough to approach him as he danced.

And Hitoka, of course, and Tetsurou. But they were different!

But if Daichi was going to give him a drink that night then…he was surely planning something?

Then what changed?

Why did Daichi take a step back?

Was it his fault?

Did he scare him away?

“Hey, you guys would absolutely _love_ Suga’s apartment,” Sugawara heard Daichi say, “he lives in a converted church.”

Sugawara listened to the family’s awe at the place he called home, smiling proudly.

“Next time you come to the city give me a warning and you guys can all come and see!” He grinned.

“It still has all the features and nearly all of the windows are stained-glass.” Daichi continued, gushing in a way Sugawara had never really seen him do before. “It’s inspiring; the whole place is just insane!”

“You certainly seem fond of it.” Daichi’s paternal grandmother said, linking her arm through her husband’s. “You’d think you lived there.”

“Is it inspiring anything currently?” Fumiko asked with hooded eyes; alight with a mischievous glow.

“N—No…”

Sugawara looked at Daichi’s posture and how uncomfortable he suddenly looked.

“Why do you insist on anonymity, Daichi?” His grandfather asked. “You’re so talented, why hide it behind a fake name?”

Wait, what?

What did they mean?

“Because.” Daichi shrugged, trying to act nonchalant.

“That’s not a reason, Daichi,” his grandfather replied, his voice stern but not harsh, “you should grab it by the horns and write under your real name!”

Daichi writes?

“Your grandfather is right, Daichi.” Masahiro intervened, looking at his son with soft eyes.

“You should write to your heart’s content, Dai, get rid of the pseud!” Fumiko pushed.

Daichi’s maternal grandmother was next to speak, “that’s my one wish, to see your name in bookstores everywhere…”

Daichi _writes?_

Daichi’s body language made Sugawara feel stressed on his behalf; tense.

“Can we just drop it—"

“I’m also the curator of the third floor at the museum.” Sugawara beamed, hoping to provide ample distraction from Daichi’s discomfort.

Whatever the topic was it made Daichi act in a way Sugawara never wanted him to, if he could change that then of course he would.

He heard a collective gasp and several sounds of awe, “so intelligent! Makoto look he’s so intelligent!” He watched the grandmother cling to her husband, Makoto.

“Ah, it’s the bug floor,” Sugawara smiled, “I’ve just had a butterfly house installed and we’ve started extending upwards to allow it to be open to the public. It should be finished in mid-January – then Daichi is gonna come and help me get flowers!”

“Incredible!” Daichi’s paternal grandmother spoke, cupping her face in her cheeks as she spoke fondly of Daichi. “Dai will be perfect for helping with the flowers, I’ve never seen someone grow sunflowers as big as his.”

“Oh Koushi that’s wonderful! Ume is right, Daichi would be a big help!” Ayame agreed.

“Dinner’s ready!” Called Etsuko from the kitchen and Sugawara swore he’d never seen two elderly women run so fast in his whole life, Ume and Ayame chasing each other into the kitchen, the former leaving her husband sat on the sofa with a bewildered expression.

Sugawara waited for Daichi, watching how he let his siblings go ahead of him and how he walked alongside his father and grandfather. He found it strangely surreal to see three generations of men together; their behaviour and mannerisms, even their posture and gait, incredibly similar to one another.

He followed on behind them, surprised when Daichi turned to face him with a smile, holding his hand out to him and waiting for Sugawara to catch up, Sugawara quickened his steps to cross the threshold, feeling Daichi’s steady presence behind him as he moved to take a seat at the table.

It had been extended since the night before, originally seating six it was now opened fully and capable of seating ten. The tablecloth was silver, a gold runner down the middle of the table with four foil wrapped plates and between those was his candle; two plates on either side of it and burning in the centre of the table.

Nine seats were set with a gold placemat and a Christmas cracker, cutlery and a drinks glass. Sugawara sat towards the far end of the table, beside Daichi’s brother and a spare seat beside him for Daichi himself.

However, Daichi didn’t sit down immediately, instead he went to his mother, helping Etsuko carry the plates to the table and pour drinks for his family.

It was when he reached Ayame and Ume, however, that Sugawara was given the first taste of a scorned grandparent defending their grandson, his first taste of what Daichi had been so desperate to hide.

 “You know, Dai, I’ve been trying to put my finger on it all day but I think I’ve finally figured it out.”

“What do you mean, nana?”

“You look healthier, your skin is glowing and you’ve tanned really well this summer. Did you go on holiday?”

“Ah— No, I’ve been too busy to go on holiday this year.”

“Fake tan?”

“Definitely not,” Daichi chuckled, “I honestly haven’t done anything different.”

His grandmother hummed, “you just have the same sort of colour to you that you didn’t have last time, like when you first started working in the allotments.”

“Healthy!” Ume smiled, “really healthy, have you lost weight?”

“Uh, I’m not sure?” Daichi looked down to inspect his body. “Maybe a couple pounds, why?”

“Are you sure? Not, I don’t know, a hundred and thirty pounds?” Ayame asked.

_What?_

Why did Sugawara get the feeling Daichi’s grandmothers were tag teaming him?

Daichi made his way back around the table, his expression perplexed, “no, definitely not that much, nana.”

“No, you definitely have,” Ayame nodded, “there’s no Megumi.”

Megumi.

“Ah, I guess you’re right.” Daichi laughed, but the sound was shaky and filled with nerves.

Finally he sat beside Sugawara, reaching to unwrap the plates in the centre of the table and reveal their contents. Sugawara nearly gaped like a fish when he saw the four different kinds of meat. He was definitely having some of each.

Conversation stayed light, the odd jibe passing back and forth at the expense of Daichi’s ex-partner. Sugawara thoroughly enjoyed the food offered to him, reaching for a handful of the honeyed roast ham.

“Gosh, you have such a good appetite, Koushi.” He heard Ume comment; she was smiling widely. “It’s good to see you actually eating and not just picking.”

Sugawara swallowed the mouthful of food before laughing, “oh no, I can eat for days, just ask Daichi.”

Daichi hummed beside him, “we went camping for our friend’s birthday” – Sugawara didn’t miss Daichi’s choice of words, _our_ – “and we went to this place called Nekomata’s; it’s an all you can eat. Suga filled his boots and within three hours he was eating pizza.”

Daichi’s family laughed and shared comments of amusement, but not once did Sugawara feel they were laughing at him rather than with him.

“Oh my, Koushi,” Ume giggled, “that is a big appetite!”

“Definitely a better dinner guest than Megumi too, she always looked so sour.”

He wasn’t blind to how Daichi straightened in is seat.

“I—”

“Oh yes,” Ume agreed, “I’m not fond of people who pick and play with their food, but she always brought the meal down with her moods!”

“Mother,” Masahiro chided lightly, “let’s not—”

“I’m just airing out my opinions, I love my grandchildren and anyone who—”

“—Upsets them is dead to me.” It was Ayame’s turn to speak.

“Wow, nana,” Sugawara laughed lightly, trying to ease Daichi with humour, “remind me to never get on your bad side.”

“Koushi, darling, you could _never._ ”

“Daichi should just marry Suga,” Fumiko said, smirking, “you’d like him more than any girl Daichi brought home.”

“I like him more than Megumi, that’s for sure.” Ayame responded to her granddaughter.

“I don’t think there’s much competition between Suga and Megumi,” Sugawara caught Mamoru glance over him to his brother, “so it’s unfair to compare them.”

“Actually I’m not looking to date anyone right now,” Daichi said from beside him, his voice oddly quiet, “I’m too busy.”

He watched as Ume reached over the table, her hand landing on top of Daichi’s and making him look up from his meal, “you date someone who makes you happy and when you’re ready. Don’t let Megumi and her cheating taint your experience of love.”

_“What love?”_

It was quiet, so quiet in fact Sugawara wasn’t sure it’d been there at all, a whispered sigh and broken features staring down at the meal in front of him.

Sugawara pursed his lips, regretting the bite of food he’d just taken when he heard Daichi’s tone.

He’d never heard him sound so…bitter.

Sugawara didn’t dare glance at the man beside him, thrown into confusion at Daichi’s tone. He’d never heard him speak that way before about anyone, he’d never seen Daichi’s behaviour change so suddenly or his attitude become so biting.

He suddenly felt cold, like he didn’t know this Daichi.

He felt it before, learning about the sides of Daichi he didn’t think existed, but it’d always just been a niggling afterthought, this was different.

He felt like he didn’t know anything, harshly reminded of that fact.

He didn’t know a thing.

Megumi had cheated on Daichi?

“Nana! Could you pass me the gravy, please?” Sugawara asked in an attempt to change the subject, reaching over the table and meeting the older woman halfway.

“Of course, Koushi! Wonderfully mannered, too.” She passed the jug along to Sugawara, he accepted it gratefully.

“This food is so good, Etsuko,” he spoke, sitting back down and pouring some of the gravy onto his dinner, “it’s been so long since I ate anything home cooked.”

“You lie you had meatballs at mine the night before we left.” Daichi said.

“They were great meatballs.” Sugawara hummed.

“I was just about to say!” Etsuko lightly mused. “It’s not like Daichi to let his friends go hungry, he takes after me; a feeder.”

Sugawara laughed, “he also likes to make sure his friends don’t get cavities or have anus fingers—” He looked at the Sawamura family, the table silent and looking at him with wide eyes, he could feel Daichi’s eyes on him too and he mentally cursed himself.

It was obvious he hadn’t been a dinner guest in a long time.

God, he was awful at this.

“Sounds like Tooru’s love life is doing just fine.” Fumiko snorted softly.

Sugawara looked down the table to Daichi’s sister, and then to Ume as she began laughing. It was the dirtiest laugh Sugawara had ever heard, the soft looking woman catching him off guard.

He couldn’t help but join in.

The rest of the meal passed with jokes and laughter, Sugawara noticed how Daichi grew lively once more, joining in with the banter and Sugawara couldn’t fight his own smile at Daichi’s enjoyment.

Eventually the meal was over and Sugawara felt like he would burst if he moved from his seat.

It seemed like the family felt the same.

“Suga, tug my cracker!” He heard Fumiko shout, reaching over Mamoru to offer her Christmas cracker to Sugawara.

“Sure!” He laughed, gripping the free end and pulling.

The bang was louder than he’d anticipated and he closed his eyes as they broke the cracker, but when he opened his eyes he saw he was the one left holding the larger end.

“Suga wins.” Daichi smirked.

“Dammit!”

Sugawara peeked inside the cracker, pulling to small toy and the folded paper hat from inside and resting them on the table, a slip of paper falling to the floor.

“Is this the joke?” He asked, reaching down to pick it up and flipped it over to read the words. “Oh my God,” he snorted, looking up to make sure everyone was listening before beginning to read it out, “ _Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store?_ _He was desperate for some holiday spirits_. Oh man, these have changed since I last pulled one.” He laughed, throwing his head back as he did so, his heart skipping a beat when he bumped into something.

Oh.

Daichi was closer than he’d thought.

Had he always been that close?

“Me next!” Ayame laughed, the table all joining in to pop the eight remaining crackers.

“ _What do you call a girl who cheats on you during the holidays? A ho ho ho bag!”_ Mamoru laughed after popping his cracker with Masahiro.

Sugawara and the rest of the table laughed; an unspoken name hanging over the table.

Ayame coughed into her fist, “Megumi.” She coughed again, leaving the table gasping for air.

Sugawara wanted nothing more than for the elderly woman to adopt him in the hope he could experience this joy every day. He noticed that even Daichi laughed, not as much as the rest of them but it was a cute half laugh that had Sugawara’s heart pound against his ribcage.

The sound was beautiful.

“Suga, Suga.” Sugawara turned to Daichi; the cardboard cracker being thrust in his face. He grabbed the free end, tugging and falling backwards against Mamoru’s shoulder as Daichi won the longer end of the cracker. “I win!”

Sugawara laughed, “oh yeah? Try this!” He picked up his own cracker, hitting Daichi’s cheek with it before the other man took hold. The pair pulled and Sugawara once again had the shorter end of the cracker. “Nooo!”

“Ha! I win again!”

“Jokes on you, you gotta wear the two hats— _no!_ ” Suddenly Daichi was rising from his chair, Sugawara leaning back before scrambling from his own to escape him. “Daichi!” Sugawara rushed from the kitchen, pulling open the back door to escape into the garden with Daichi hot on his heels. “Noooo!”

He felt something collide with his middle, tumbling to the ground with two broad arms wrapped around him. The snow was cold on his front and he grappled to escape the other man’s hold, loudly laughing against the floor as he tried to at least roll over; to offer some kind of fight against the gaudy pink and green paper crowns, he was wearing his own blue one!

“Daichi!” He howled to the sky, shoving on his chest in a feeble attempt to escape. “Stop! ‘m gonna puke!”

He tried to curl up on himself for respite but Daichi wrestled his hands, pinning them on either side of his head and Sugawara looked up at the man above him. He was grinning widely, eyes crinkled in the corners and his nose scrunched up with genuine joy as he smiled unabashedly.

And then both his hands were trapped by just one of Daichi’s, he was no longer sure that the warmth in his face was from laughing and running and getting trapped in the snow, or whether it was from Daichi’s gaze and his actions.

Maybe it was a melting pot of all of the above.

All he knew was that he didn’t want it to end.

He kicked his legs and huffed in amused frustration when Daichi sat on them, feeling his cheeks growing hotter at how close they were.

Their laughter grew breathy and turned the air white as they ran out of amusement, Sugawara was left staring up at gentle and warm mocha eyes, cheek dimples like craters and as Daichi’s grip lessened on his wrists he found himself reaching up to cup Daichi’s face; speaking before he could think otherwise.

“How on earth could she cheat on you?” He looked into Daichi’s widening eyes, his cheeks hot under his fingertips. He should stop. “Just…how?”

Daichi looked away from his eyes; breaking eye contact and gnawing on his lip.

He should definitely stop.

“I don’t understand a cheating mentality anyway; but how could she hurt someone so sweet?” He found his thumb stroking over Daichi’s cheekbone. “You’re kind and caring, I don’t care what you said at the docks; I don’t need to know the things you’ve done or the things you’ve been through. I can see things for myself; you didn’t deserve what she did, you still don’t deserve to be getting eaten up like this.”

Daichi didn’t look away this time, instead Sugawara caught the barest quiver of his lip.

He should definitely stop.

“Daichi, you’re allowed to still be hurting…but if you’re not opening your heart because of her? You’re a little more silly than I thought you’d be…” Sugawara spoke honestly. “You don’t owe her a thing.”

“Suga, I—”

Definitely…

“Daichi, you don’t owe her a thing, and you need to love yourself the way your family does, the way your friends do, the way _I_ do.” Sugawara could feel the prick of tears in his own eyes, and as Daichi sat up properly, now between his legs and the seat of his pants against the cold snow, he could see the other man was faring no better. “Anyone would be lucky to get a guy like you, so be kinder to yourself.”

“Suga…”

He should stop.

“Are you listening to me?” He sat up too, shifting on his knees to kneel in front of Daichi. “Don’t let her win and scare you away from doing things you want to do and loving people you’ll eventually fall in love with. Don’t let her hold your heart hostage.”

“I’m afraid…”

“I know, and you’re not not allowed to be scared after what happened, but you shouldn’t let it stop you from being happy. Don’t let her stop you from living your life; because I bet she wouldn’t give you a second thought.”

He watched Daichi wince, then a quiet, “I know…”

They were quiet for a while, Sugawara looking at his sodden knees and wondering if he should ask the question that had been bothering him, wringing his hands against his thighs.

Fuck it.

He had to know.

“And…can I ask?” Sugawara waited until he had Daichi attention. “What were you planning to do that night in the club?”

He watched Daichi worry his lip between his teeth, look to the floor and played with the snow with his fingers.

“I—I…I was gonna ask you to dance. B—But I was drunk!” He was quick to defend. “I was drunk…” He trailed off.

Sugawara would be lying if he said how quick Daichi defended his actions didn’t hurt, but he sat beside him nonetheless.

“But…drunk or sober wouldn’t have changed what I was thinking…I just would’ve been too scared sober.”

“Y’know…I can somehow tell.” Sugawara smiled softly, leaning back on his hands. “Did you know if you’d danced with me that you’d be only the second person to be brave enough?” Sugawara paused, should he say it?

What if he scared Daichi with the statement?

_Fuck it._

“But you’d be the first I’d _want_ to dance with.” He took a breath, why stop there? “So next time dance with me.”

He watched Daichi exhale, his shoulders falling just slightly, his body seeming to relax, “yeah,” he smiled, “I’d like that.”

Sugawara smiled, paying no mind to how cold he was or how wet his ass was growing from the snow, he didn’t care as he shuffled to sit closer to Daichi, moving his arms from behind him to beside him, snow biting his fingertips as he looked out across the vast white fields at the back of the house.

He felt fingers fold against his own, glancing down to between them and feeling heat rise to his cheeks slightly.

“Suga…thank you.”

“Don’t thank me, what are friends for?” If the word _friends_ was physically in front of him he would’ve given it a glare that’d kill it instantly, but for now that’s all they were and he couldn’t find the willpower to complain.

Just being with Daichi was special.

“Suga…I…uhm,” Sugawara looked to Daichi with intrigue, watching the man struggle, “can I be, uh…tastefully selfish?”

“Sure…I mean, I invented that term for you, didn’t I?”

“Yeah…” Daichi’s tone was shaky and he shifted his weight onto one hip, looking at Sugawara. “You did…um…” He bit his lip.

Okay, now he was confused, “Daichi?”

“Uh, nevermind.” He quickly backtracked. “Nevermind.”

“No, Daichi, what is it?” Sugawara asked, but he felt like he knew.

He watched Daichi’s eyes lower and his gaze linger just below his eyes – his lips? – before looking into his eyes again.

“Daichi—”

“It doesn’t matter.” Daichi insisted, looking down.

Sugawara was silent for a minute, biting his lip, “then what about me?”

“Huh?” Daichi looked up to him.

“What about me?” Sugawara exhaled softly. “Can I be tastefully selfish and do it for you?”

Daichi shook his head, the movement jerky and nervous; or was he just cold? Sugawara knew he felt cold, was Daichi feeling cold?

“Okay,” Sugawara said, turning to flash Daichi a supportive smile, “that’s fine. Want to head back inside?”

“In a minute…”

“Okay, then can I do something tastefully selfish that isn’t the first thing?”

Hesitation.

“Yeah…”

Sugawara smiled, shuffling closer and his arms snaking around Daichi’s arm closest to him, pressing his cheek into Daichi’s shoulder and resting his head there, closing his eyes and relishing in his warm presence.

This was okay.

He felt pressure on the crown of his head, the gentle pursing of lips against his hair that made him almost doubt its existence at all, he smiled and pressed closer.

Yeah…this was okay.

Spoken boundaries and unspoken promises to keep them.

Sugawara could get used to this kind of love.

“Suga…”

Sugawara lifted his head at the mention of his name, “yeah?” He looked to Daichi.

“Thank you.” The tip of Daichi’s chilled nose grazed his temple, bitten lips quick to follow.

Sugawara’s face was burning, even the tips of his ears succumbing to his blush, his heart racing and breath feeling short, “for what?”

“For being…well, you.” Daichi shrugged, dipping his head to rest against Sugawara’s.

“Don’t thank me for that—” Daichi was quick to interrupt.

“You’re patient, the most patient person I’ve met; you’re fun and you make me feel like I’m not such a bad person; you didn’t make me feel guilty for rejecting your advances and you stayed with me…you don’t know how much it means to have someone just respect the little things, y’know?”

“Daichi…those are things people should do anyway.”

Again, the other man shrugged, “I know, but not everyone does.”

“Well I always will.”

“I know you will…makes me feel confident.”

“You should feel confident, confidence is a good thing.” Sugawara smiled, feeling warm with Daichi’s praise while hating he was saying it in the first place. He shouldn’t have to thank someone for respecting his wishes.

“Is it… really okay if I’m tastefully selfish?”

Sugawara bit his own lip, “yeah, you can be tastefully selfish. Even if that means it’s just with me at first; be selfish.”

He didn’t have to wait long this time, no sooner had he released his hold on his lip was it pressed against Daichi’s, the barest ghosting of movement against his lips that left him feeling far too breathless considering how short and, he would say uneventful; but it was far from that, _chaste,_ chaste was a better description.

Like nervous teenagers experiencing their first kiss, definitely not like two grown men who’d already drunkenly made out almost five months earlier.

But Sugawara wouldn’t have had it any other way.

All too quickly it was over, but Sugawara found himself not caring.

“Please wait for me a little longer…”

He smiled, “as if you even need to ask.”

Sugawara climbed to his feet, reaching down for Daichi who hauled himself up with Sugawara’s help, “let’s go inside.”

“Yeah.”

Sugawara smiled brightly at the other man, wrapping his arm around his waist and being pleasantly surprised when Daichi also did the same, “God I’m so cold.”

“I know, and I’m wet.”

“Ohohoho?”

Daichi laughed, pulling away from Sugawara and bending down.

Sugawara turned to see what he was doing, only to meet a hand shovelling snow into the back of his jumper, he screeched, “Daichi! OhmyGod!!” He felt the freezing cold cascade down his back and send his skin into overdrive and become covered in goosebumps. “What is it with you and putting things down my clothes?! C’mere!” He groaned, reaching down for a fistful of snow.

“No way!” Daichi laughed, putting ample space between them. “I don’t trust you one bit, Sugawara Koushi!”

“Oh you better be careful, mister!” Sugawara gave chase, skidding on the soft snow beneath his feet and stumbling, barely catching himself before a snowball flew past his head.

“Oh you wanna go?” He laughed, hurling the snow he’d compressed in his hand at Daichi, watching the latter flounder to escape the unexpected projectile. “Get back here!”

He scooped up more snow and gave chase once more, battling with the bare low hanging branches of a tree as they danced around the base, he threw the snow skyward, watching it collide with snow perched above Daichi’s head and the whole branch dropped its weight, burying the other man in snow.

“Revenge is best served cold, bitch!” He cackled, losing concentration just long enough to be tackled to the ground by Daichi, fists of snow finding their way into his shirt and Daichi’s as they wrestled each other.

* * *

 

Sugawara sighed softly as he descended the staircase. He finally felt warm and dry as he padded down the wooden steps, skin tinged red from the heat of the shower and pajamas falling loosely on his body, he rubbed the towel over his hair some more, tilting his head to the side.

“—don’t know, I don’t think he’s being honest.”

Sugawara stopped, retreating back a few steps and making sure he couldn’t be seen from the kitchen archway, he crouched down.

“Me neither…”

That was Mamoru’s voice.

“Do you think we collar him about it?”

And Fumiko. What are they talking about?

Should he be listening?

“No, I don’t think he’d tell us.”

Sugawara watched shadows move across the floor of the hallway, breathing as softly as he could.

Fumiko hummed, “I just worry…that’s not my brother.”

“Fumi…”

“You know what I mean, of course he’s my brother, I love him to bits; but she’s definitely done something to him.”

“He might’ve just matured…”

“No, I can feel it, he’s different now to six years ago, you can see it in his writing too, Mamoru.”

Sugawara sucked in a breath, listening to the siblings converse about their brother.

Again. Daichi’s writing?

What did he write?

What did Fumiko mean _he’s different now_?

If this Daichi was a different Daichi to the one his siblings knew then what did he used to be like?

He really shouldn’t be listening…

“She’s hurt him, I know it.”

“Fumi, think about what you’re saying, I don’t disagree but of course she hurt him; she ripped his heart out.”

“No, I mean, look at him Mamoru!”

Sugawara didn’t like this.

He stood, making sure to make as much noise as he did so, clearing his throat and stepping on the floorboard he knew was weak and creaked slightly.

He moved down the stairs, towelling his hair and rounding into the kitchen, “God that shower was the best I’ve had in ages!”

The siblings weren’t sitting down, Fumiko was leaning on the kitchen unit nearest to the sink, her back to the snowy garden that had been churned up by his and Daichi’s earlier antics, and Mamoru was leaning back on the table.

“Hey Suga,” Mamoru greeted with a surprisingly fast smile, “finally warmed up?”

Sugawara hummed with a scoff, “just about, where should I put the hair towel?” He held it out.

“Here,” Fumiko flicked her fingers and took it from his grasp, draping it out over the back of one of the kitchen chairs, “Suga, can I ask you a question?”

Sugawara’s heart sped up in his chest, looking at Fumiko as he crossed his arms over his chest and cocked his hip, pursing his lips, “depends what kind of question.”

If they were going to snoop on Daichi through him then they wouldn’t get what they wanted easily; even if he was looking at two pairs of mocha eyes, tanned faces and thick dark chocolate hair.

At his proclamation the siblings’ faces changed, Sugawara thought they looked mildly surprised. He hoped he looked intimidating; even if he was wearing thick fleece pajamas that swallowed his hands and body, and his hair a sodden mess.

“What was your first impression of Daichi?”

“My first impression?” Sugawara didn’t need to think hard.

_Cute._

_Sweet._

_Shy._

_Handsome._

_Funny._

_Scared._

“An asshole.”

Their eyes flew wide and Sugawara fought hard not to smile, uncrossing his arms and covering his lower face with one hand, smoothing his thumb and fingers over the slightest smile and wiping it away, scratching at his jaw to hide the action.

“An _asshole?_ ” Mamoru half laughed.

“He spilled a drink on me in the club and ruined my favourite satin shirt, in my mind he was a total asshole.”

He wouldn’t make it easy for the siblings.

No way.

But he watched Fumiko’s face and knew she wouldn’t back down either, “when was the first time he told you about Megumi?”

“The first time I heard the skank’s name or the first time he told me what happened?” He asked, sitting down at the table and watching Mamoru do the same.

He eyes narrowed, “both.”

“Back in November when we tried to teach his crow how to call her a ho.”

“A _crow?_ Do we even wanna know?” Mamoru questioned; eyebrows raised.

Daichi hadn’t told his family about Edgar?

“I don’t know, do you?”

He was suddenly reminded of who he was talking to; Daichi’s siblings. They only cared for their brother.

He gnawed at his lip, “and as for telling me what happened _he_ still hasn’t. Today was the first day I’d heard anything about it.” He scoffed. “I still don’t think he wanted me to know…”

“How do you do it?” Fumiko asked, moving to sit at the table too. “How are you able to sit there and just…be in secrecy?”

Sugawara looked to the bare wood table, tracing the patterns with his finger tip; he didn’t know, how did he do it?

He thought for a few moments later, realising exactly why he didn’t push Daichi to tell him or snoop behind his back, but no way would he tell his siblings.

“I care about him more.” He said, resting his head on his forearms on the table top. “Daichi’s…special to me. I couldn’t give two hoots about what he’s been though… Sure I’m curious, I selfishly want to know everything about him. I feel a little hard done by that his friends all know things I don’t, but ultimately, I’m not gonna push him and maybe one day he’ll tell me; maybe he won’t, that’s just what I’ll have to accept.” He met their gaze. “Your brother is important to me and worth so much more than his past.”

The siblings smiled at one another and then at Sugawara.

“You’re a good guy, Suga.”

Mamoru hummed, “I definitely think nobody would object to you marrying Daichi, just saying.”

Sugawara laughed, “I know I wouldn’t.”

“I’m done, Suga—”

The three paused their conversation, looking at Daichi in the doorway.

“Do I even want to know?”

“Nope~” The three chorused.


	11. A Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh wow, Etsuko! You stock Ishimoto Kenta?” Daichi heard Sugawara ask.
> 
> Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay in updating, work was kicking my ass
> 
> Mood music:  
> [Reflection by RM of BTS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n24XPz7UZ7Q)  
> [Better Than I Know Myself by Adam Lambert](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lg31XQR22zg)  
> [Answer: Love Myself by BTS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mwRYgMmSGE&list=OLAK5uy_n2_nP6zBi1PxoJIJl9pUsAcG9oEp08YBw&index=17&t=0s)

Daichi watched Sugawara conversing with Etsuko and Fumiko at the front of the group, the trio a few metres ahead of himself, his father, and his brother. They approached the street of village shops, Daichi watching as his mother tugged Sugawara towards Mari’s shop.

“Honestly, Daichi,” Daichi looked to Masahiro, “when you told us Tooru wouldn’t be attending and someone else would be coming I was slightly concerned.”

“You were?”

“Yes, you and Tooru have been friends since high school, I know you have other friends but it was just unusual. But Koushi is a good man.”

He looked back to the way Sugawara could handle both his mother and his sister dragging him between soaps and other various handmade body care products, he was attentive to both women and holding both conversations at once.

“Yeah…he really is a natural people’s person, isn’t he?”

“That’s an understatement,” Mamoru laughed, “the way nana and nannie both practically adopted him on the first meeting goes to show how good he is.”

Daichi chuckled too, watching the man sniff one of the wrapped soap bars, eyeing him with fondness and feeling a swell of…something in his chest.

“I think Etsuko wants to show him her shop before you both leave,” Masahiro said, looking to his son, “will you have time?”

Daichi pulled the pocket watch from his jeans pocket it was attached to.

“We can spare, maybe, another hour and a half? Our train has been moved forward thanks to the bad weather that’s meant to hit later.”

“Ah, I see, the storm from the North?”

Daichi hummed, feeling a shiver lance up his body, “yeah.”

“Hey, Daichi!” Sugawara called, rushing over with a filled paper bag. “Look at all the soaps I got; reckon they’ll last the year?”

Daichi laughed at the sheer amount of soap bars, wondering if Sugawara had bought one of each Mari had to offer, “maybe, and last the year?” Daichi asked smirking. “Who said you were coming back?”

“Etsuko said so.” He held the paper bag tightly to his chest, pink tongue peeking out between well cared for lips.

Ah. Of course she did. He couldn’t fight his smile at how happy he was to have his family accept Sugawara.

“Then I definitely think they’ll last.”

“Excellent.” Sugawara grinned down at the bag.

“Koushi! Are you coming?” Fumiko called, making the four men look up.

“Ah—Coming!” Sugawara ran off again, slipping on some of the slush on the pavement but recovering before he could fall.

Given the direction they were headed he could only guess they were going to the bookstore now.

“I guess it’s a good job we have time.” He laughed.

They walked down the parade, Daichi looking up at the windows of his mother’s shop.

_In now:_

_Ishimoto Kenta’s latest book:_

_Collide_

Even in his hometown he couldn’t escape it.

“Oh wow, Etsuko! You stock Ishimoto Kenta?” Daichi heard Sugawara ask.

Shit.

She flashed Daichi a _look,_ unlocking the front door to the shop, he hoped his pleading look would have the same effect on his mother as it did Nishinoya. He rushed over to his mother and Sugawara as his other family members dispersed; still undoubtedly listening.

“Of course I do!” She giggled lightly. “He’s my favourite author.”

He exhaled a sigh of relief.

“Oh really? He’s mine too! Daichi gave me his signed copy.”

“Did he? How sweet!” Etsuko played along. “Did you know he’s home grown?”

“Home grown?” Sugawara gasped. “You mean from _here?!_ ”

Shit.

She wasn’t going to make this easy.

“Yes! Him and Daichi went to school together, they were practically joined at the hip while they grew up; you could almost say they were the same person at some points!”

Kill him.

Was it too late to jump in front of the train?

“Oh wow!” Sugawara laughed, looking through some of the books stacked high on the shelves. “There’s still so much I don’t know about Daichi.”

He felt like he was punched in the gut by the words.

Sugawara pulled away a little more, going to peruse the shelves of the old bookstore.

“Daichi, could you help me get the new stock from the back?”

He was in trouble.

“Yeah, what do you need?” He asked, following Etsuko into the back room. She shut the door behind them.

“Why haven’t you told Koushi?”

“I—”

“Sawamura Daichi, you know how I feel about you hiding things – you’re a global sensation and I respect you want to maintain _some_ anonymity, but he’s your friend!”

“I know he’s my friend!” Daichi hissed back, speaking through his teeth. “And I keep meaning to tell him but I don’t know how! He knows us as two separate entities and—”

“Daichi. Tell him.” Etsuko said sternly. “If you don’t he’ll find out a different way and that will hurt him more than you could ever imagine.”

“I agree with what you’re saying; apart from the last part.” Daichi bit back, swinging his arm outward and gesturing to the air. “You forget I found out Megumi had been cheating on me when I heard her wish _another man_ a happy anniversary.”

“Then you should know how it’d hurt him.”

Daichi had no way to respond to his mother’s last words.

He hadn’t thought about it that way.

This whole time he’d only been thinking about himself.

How it would affect him.

But it would hurt Sugawara too.

“I’ll tell him, I promise.” He mumbled. “I just need to pick my moment.”

“I’ll hold you to it.”

He nodded, guilt settling in his gut, “which books do you want me to carry?”

“These.” Etsuko brought his attention to his books. “You’re going abroad soon to advertise your book?”

Daichi nodded, “two weeks in Europe at the end of January and into early February.” He picked the books up, carrying them through to the front with his mother’s help. 

 

* * *

 

 

An hour and a half later he and Sugawara were sat on the train back to the city, it’d already began to snow and he watched Sugawara’s face light up with childlike wonder as he watched out the train window.

They pulled away from the station, waving goodbye to Daichi’s family on the platform before they settled in their seats, warm pastries in paper bags on their laps.

Sugawara immediately dug into his bag and removed his pastry, unwrapping it and beginning to eat. “Oh man, this weekend has been the best I’ve had in a while!” He spoke around his food.

“Yeah?” Daichi couldn’t help but smile, beginning to eat his own. “I’m really glad you’ve had fun.”

As the train trundled along the tracks and began its slow and winding descent of the mountainside Daichi looked out of the window to see the very top of the mountain shrouded in low hanging snow clouds, bases ragged where a blizzard was undoubtedly rolling in.

“See that over there?” He pointed, watching Sugawara follow his gesture. “That’s the blizzard they moved our train forward to avoid.”

“Wait—seriously?” Sugawara’s eyes bugged as he turned to face Daichi, swallowing the food in his mouth. “Are we gonna avoid it?”

Daichi hummed, “probably, it’s always worst higher up the mountain, it’ll take at least an hour for it to hit the village and by then we’ll be by the mines, although it might take more than three hours to get back to the city.”

Sugawara was quiet for a while, watching out the window at the village painted white, the house lights beginning to shine against the darkening sky and approaching storm, “will your family be okay?”

Daichi looked at the man and the worry lines on his face, he was really worried for his family…

“Yeah, I mean, blizzards are basically every year on the mountains, sometimes more than that. They’ll be fine.” He smiled, watching as Sugawara accepted his words albeit with a degree of uncertainty in his expression.

“Okay…” He finally relinquished.

They fell into silence, Daichi taking the time to check his phone, watching the multitude of videos Oikawa had been sending from his trip to Japan; to meet Iwaizumi’s parents for the first time.

Daichi was glad he was having fun; despite the latter’s almost constant apologising for not being back in time for his birthday.

He watched the videos Oikawa had sent, and then the candid ones Iwaizumi sent, too, laughing at Oikawa’s poor attempts at speaking Japanese, “Suga, look at this.” He snickered, passing Sugawara one of the earphones and showing the video to the man beside him.

His phone buzzed in his hands and his mother’s caller ID lit up the screen.

“Ah—sorry, Suga.” He answered the call. “Hello?”

His mother’s voice filled the headphones and he hoped she wouldn’t bring up anything he hadn’t told Sugawara yet.

_“Hey Daichi, I was just calling to ask you to let Koushi know the soap he bought smells wonderful!”_

“Ah, mum, he can actually hear you—”

“Hey Etsuko!”

 _“Hello Koushi!”_ His mother cheerily called. _“Sorry to bother you both on your journey back to the city, I just wanted to tell you you made a brilliant choice of soaps, I went back and bought the same ones and I love them!”_

“You…you got the same ones I did?”

_“Of course I did! You have impeccable taste, Koushi. I can’t believe I hadn’t tried the raspberry sorbet and peppermint until now!”_

“No spoilers, Etsuko~” Sugawara laughed into the receiver, but Daichi could hear the subtle change in his tone. “Why, um, why did you get the same as me?” He tucked a strand of hair behind his ear and it immediately slipped free again.

_“Because I wanted to always remember the fun we had with you this last weekend, silly!”_

Sugawara fell silent and Daichi took control of the conversation, “I think you broke him, mum.”

Etsuko laughed, _“oops~ well, I’ll let you two go now, I just wanted to thank Koushi. Love you both, and Koushi, come back soon!”_

Daichi scoffed, “bye, stay safe in the blizzard, Suga’s worrying.”

That time he heard his siblings and father join in with the farewell along with a _we wiiiill!_   before the line went dead, he took the headphone from his ear with a small laugh, looking to Sugawara as he, too removed the bud from his ear.

And then he sniffled.

“Suga…?”

Sugawara buried the heels of his palms against his eyes, his fingers clenching against his forehead.

“Goddammit why are you family so _nice?”_ Sugawara’s words were watery as he ground his hands against his face and hunched over to rest his elbows against his knees. “Why can’t they be assholes? Or average at most? I see where you get your Mr. Perfect from. What the hell?”

“Suga…”

“I’m a gosh darn stranger! I glassed you over the head less than six months ago but they just…accepted me just like that?” Daichi listened to the other man, listened to him pour his frustrations into his words of doubt towards his family. He looked to Sugawara’s pale skin showing from his black ripped-knee skinny jeans that were totally weather inappropriate but Sugawara had insisted he’d be fine. Even in the warm train carriage Daichi could see gooseflesh on his bare skin. “How can they love _this?_ ” He gestured to all of him. “I’m nothing like you guys…”

Daichi felt a tug in his chest at Sugawara’s words; _how can they love this?_

Then he remembered his own from several months earlier; _I don’t see how anyone can love this._

He looked to the floor under the seat in front of him, biting his bottom lip before muttering, “how could they not?”

At first he was certain he was talking to Sugawara, but upon immediate reflection he realised that the question also applied to himself and it surprised him at how easy it was to at least believe it a little bit.

“What’s not to love?” He asked the other man. “You’re funny, and smart, and attractive, you’ve got the best laugh I’ve ever heard in my life and the dirtiest sense of humour. You’re honest and you’re driven to succeed—”

“Stubborn.”

“—maybe so. But why does that have to be a bad thing?” He breathed, watching the man pause as he stared at the back of the seat in front of him, he was briefly aware of the train pulling to a standstill at the first station on its descent down. “Suga…you’re a great person.”

Sugawara looked up at Daichi through pewter lashes, eyes still teary and glossed over .

“C’mere…” Daichi muttered, wrapping his arm around Sugawara’s shoulders and pulling him closer into his side. “You’re a dear person to me, you weaselled your way in when I locked the door and thrown away the key and honestly sometimes you scare me, but I want to know Sugawara Koushi inside and out—”

“Kinky.” Sugawara scoffed and Daichi hated the way his stomach rolled with just that one word, choking on his own breath as his muscles tensed.

“Megumi…” He sighed, looking up at the light above their heads. “Megumi hurt me in ways that made me afraid to let anyone into my life ever again. We were dating from our second year at university, that’s six years.” He said, not oblivious to how Sugawara’s body tensed against his own as he spoke. “It all came to an end in June and then in October I saw her with another man…she was wishing him a happy anniversary; a happy one year anniversary…”

Sugawara sat up and turned to face him, “are you kidding me?”

All he could do was shake his head.

He wished he was kidding.

“Sounds like you dodged a missile, there.” Sugawara spoke through pursed lips, flopping back against his seat with an annoyed huff.

Daichi scoffed, “I guess so.”

“I can see why Makki and Mattsun taught Edgar to call her a ho,” Daichi had to physically hide his wince, “like, seriously, what a bitch—Oh! Daichi! What’s that? It’s cool.”

Daichi looked out the window, the scenery beginning to move once again and they rounded a large crater in the mountainside that was devoid of snow, high walls sheltering the old mine shaft entrance.

“The old mines, they’re over four hundred years old.”

“Shit, really?” Sugawara was eagerly pressed against the window as they passed. “That’s so cool.”

“You think? Megumi always said it needed filling in.”

“Uncultured pig, what the hell? That’s living history!”

Daichi found his words harsh; finding himself almost jumping in to defend his ex-fiancée much to his own chagrin. But he could also see a humorous side to Sugawara’s name calling.

“Say something else degrading.” He said, leaning back in his seat with a grin, closing his eyes.

“She’s a monkey butt.”

He could hear Sugawara’s smile and he laughed once, “what are you, five?”

“Ohohoho? You want more adult insults? She got a saggy vagina.”

Daichi reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose and corners of his eyes, he snickered, “no comment.”

“OhmyGod did she really?”

“Suga,” Daichi fought back his own discomfort, “that’s not how vaginas work, anyway can we stop talking about vaginas?”

“You started it.”

_“Fucking how?”_

“Challenging me to more adult insults.”

“Alright, alright, I give.” Daichi crossed his arms over his chest and tucked his fingers under his biceps, still grinning.

“I hope she gets crabs.”

“The kind you had or the disease?”

“I hope she gets the disease; my crabs are too good for her.”

“Damn straight.” Daichi bit back a laugh. “Your crabs were the best.”

“ _Are_ the best.”

“Okay, okay, your crabs _are_ the best.”

“Ahhh, you’re so easy to train.”

Daichi laughed, smirking at the other man, “if you want to think that then go ahead.”

 

* * *

 

 

When they finally entered Sugawara’s apartment it was dark, already late by the time they’d returned to the city; later still with unreliable transport and snow-covered roads. In his time living in the city he’d never seen so much snow on the streets.

Daichi heard Sugawara grunt as he collapsed onto the couch, suitcase falling to the floor beside him, he smirked, placing his own case near the door of Sugawara’s apartment and looking around.

It was bare.

No decorations; no lights; not even a tree.

“Uh, Suga?”

The other man looked over the back of his sofa, “yes, Daichi?”

“Where’s… y’know, your Christmas tree? Your decorations?”

“Don’t have any.” Sugawara’s shoulders tensed and released in a shrug, Daichi noted how the other man sounded ashamed; even through the apparent indifference in his voice.

“You don’t have _any?_ Like, _at all?”_

“No, why is that a surprise to you?” Sugawara crossed his arms over his chest, looking at Daichi whilst biting the inside of his cheek.

Daichi was at a loss for words, Sugawara seemed to have so much fun at his house?

“I dunno,” he admitted, “I just…you were so excited at my parent’s house, I assumed you’d have decorations.”

“I usually spend it with Tetsurou and Kenma, though, so I don’t bother.”

Daichi bit the inside on his lip, “well, tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?”

“You’re still free, right?”

“Yeah, but why?”

“We’re going out to get you a tree.” Daichi sat down beside the other man as Sugawara looked to him. “And some decorations, we’re going to go to the market.” Sugawara’s eyes looked tired, lids heavy and skin slightly discoloured, it prompted Daichi to look away, “you should sleep more, you know.”

Sugawara smirked, half a scoff escaping his lips as he looked up to the high ceiling, “why sleep when I could be preparing for the launch of the butterfly house?”

“So you’ll have eyes open enough to see it in its glory.”

Sugawara looked back to him, but he remained silent, Daichi looked at him, “don’t.”

He snapped his head back to face forward, instead glancing sideways at Sugawara, “what?”

“Did you have your ears pierced?” Sugawara’s brow was furrowed in question.

Daichi reached up to his lobe, holding it between his finger and thumb, “yeah, back when I was a teenager.”

He could see Sugawara roll his eyes, “and let me take a guess at who ruined it.”

He half smiled, looking down at his legs, “yeah…”

“I reckon you should get them pierced.”

“Maybe one day.”

They grew quiet after that, indulging in the silence and soon Daichi could hear Sugawara’s heavy breathing, he looked over to the other man, his lips parted just slightly, eyes closed and head lolling back onto the sofa.

Cute.

“Watch your neck…” Daichi muttered, shifting Sugawara’s weight to relieve him from the uncomfortable position, finding the other man cling to him instead, leaning on his shoulder and wrapping his arms around his bicep.

_Cute…_

He looked down at Sugawara for just a few moments before the idea forced its way into his mind.

_Take a picture of him._

Daichi removed his phone from his pocket and entered his passcode – the day he’d met Sugawara – and opened up the camera app.

He held the camera low, in selfie mode trying to get a picture of Sugawara sleeping. Several blurry shots and a successful photograph later and he lifted his phone, snapping several pictures of them both together.

Sugawara shifted on his arm, enabling Daichi to wrap it around the other, something he did without hesitation, the other settling into his hold. He smiled, holding him closer.

This was okay…

Definitely.

 

* * *

 

 

Daichi chipped into the bark of the Christmas tree, “you gotta,” he grunted as he chipped out a segment, “cut into it a little, so you can control the way it falls.”

Sugawara watched on, holding Daichi’s coat as he hacked away at the tree, his eyes were glued to Daichi’s back and arms as he worked, muscles flexing and power rippling from his waist and up into his shoulders and arms with each swing. He moved around to get a better look at the man’s body as he continued to cut the tree, “I see—”

“Not there, Suga.”

He was distracted by the tree as it fell into the trodden snow, falling in front of him, just inches from where he was about to walk. It was _big_.

“Uh, Daichi, don’t you think it’s a little…big?”

“Nah, not really, it’s seven feet.”

“That’s big! Over a foot talker than me!”

“Yeah, but think about how big your apartment is,” Daichi reasoned, “if I lived there, I’d have two trees, not gonna lie.”

 Daichi picked up the tree with relative ease, Sugawara reaching for one end to help carry it. They walked towards the front of the tree yard, wrapping the tree in orange netting, paying, and taking it to Oikawa’s car. Daichi tied it down to the rack on top of the car and huffed.

“Want your coat back?”

“Yeah, please.”

Sugawara handed it back and Daichi shucked on the large woollen coat, shivering dramatically and rolling his shoulders.

“Right, market next?”

“Sure, but we’ll need to get something to eat, too. I’m starving.”

“No problem,” Daichi smiled brightly, “we’ll leave the car here; we’ll just walk up together.”

Sugawara nodded, linking Daichi’s arm with his and the pair began walking towards the city centre. The streets were crowded as they crossed the road, past several book shops and antiques places, street stalls lining the streets and around the perimeter of the shopping quarter.

“I guess we’re lucky, huh?” Sugawara asked, walking over to one stall, picking up a box of aluminium Christmas tree decorations. “Coming after Christmas means a lot of it is dirt cheap.” He inspected each one, small Santas or reindeers hand painted onto the set.

Daichi hummed in agreement, “that’s it, everyone is trying to get rid of stock.”

“Well I’d gladly take these!” Sugawara finally decided, passing them to the older woman and she set to work securing the box. She asked for the money, Sugawara readily handing it over to her.

They exchanged and Sugawara looked down at the box in his hands with a smile, he felt happy holding his own decorations.

              “Excuse me, young’un.”

Sugawara looked to the elder, “yeah?”

She seemed contemplative for a moment, “no, no, it’s nothing. Have a nice day.”

Sugawara nodded in response, “and you, ma’am.”

He heard her mutter _such a polite young man_ as he left, feeling confused and he furrowed his brow, looking to Daichi.

“What was that all about?”

“I dunno, maybe she thought you were someone else?”

They walked along to the next stall, collecting pieces of tinsel, “hm, maybe.”

Sugawara draped the sparkling strands of brightly coloured foil over his shoulders, donning it like a scarf and shimmying his shoulders.

“Hey, Daichi!” He danced in the street, grinning to the other as he went. He spun on the spot.

“Hey, are you gonna buy those or just dance in them?” The vendor laughed good naturedly, leaning on his wares.

“Oh, oops!” Sugawara laughed, heading back over to the table and offering the money for the tinsel. “Can I also get some in silver?”

“Sure, purple and silver coming up.” The man turned to gather what Sugawara had requested, putting them in a bag and handing them over in exchange for the money.

Sugawara linked Daichi’s arm, the pair walking side by side through the busy market stalls, Sugawara carrying the ornaments and tinsel in a white carrier bag.

“Wanna grab something to eat? Maybe a coffee too?” Daichi suggested as they passed a stall blaring pop music and Sugawara couldn’t stop his spring to his step.

His footwork was sloppy and small, lacking thee bold movement from the clubs and from parties, but the music guided him. He turned to face Daichi, “sure! I’d like that.”

His face grew hot when he realised Daichi had disappeared, he’d responded to thin air.

Where was Daichi?

He looked around, the blurring lights and excitement of the market equally disorientating as it was fun.

“Daichi?”

Fear began licking at his insides, what if Megumi had got him? What if he’d left him?

Everyone else did…

“Suga!”

Sugawara heard his voice over everyone and everything else, turning in the direction and seeing Daichi with his arm up, waving to gain his attention.

“Daichi!” He rushed over to the man, wrapping his arms around his waist, only then realising he was at a stall for wooden ornaments, he looked at the way the older man scorched the wood with fresh burn lines, he turned to Daichi. “Daichi?” 

“I, uh, wanted to give you something personal.” Sugawara looked again, his heart picking up pace as he realised what Daichi had requested.

The day they’d met.

On a butterfly ornament.

He also held a box of wooden ornaments, everything from trees carved into the rings of a branch segment, to ice skates with twine laces.

“Daichi, let me—”

“These are my gift to you, Suga.”

Sugawara felt saline pins prick the corners of his eyes.

“Wow.” He said, voice watery. “You made me cry.”

“Sorry.”

 

* * *

 

 

Daichi and Sugawara made their way back to the car, over the course of the day Daichi had felt his mood falling. At first, he’d desperately tried to ward it off, but by the time they’d eaten and finished shopping the reason for his dip in mood was clear.

He was homesick.

He missed doing this with his family.

He sighed, checking the tree was fully secured before climbing into the driver’s side.

“I still can’t believe you know how to drive,” Sugawara said, “how did I never know before?”

“I don’t own a car,” Daichi closed the door and strapped himself in, “if I owned a car you’d know, but I don’t and it’s never cropped up in conversation before.”

He pulled out from the parking space, feeling irritable as he made his exit onto the main road.

“Daichi…” Sugawara mumbled, “are you okay?”

Daichi’s eyes met his for just a moment before training back onto the road, “of course, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Dunno, you just don’t seem yourself.”

Daichi sighed; there was no fooling Sugawara.

He bit the inside of his lip, “I miss home.”

“You’re homesick?” Sugawara clarified and Daichi saw his lips purse from the corner of his eye. “Daichi! What would help?”

He thought for a moment, driving along the A-road towards Sugawara’s apartment, “can we just do the decorating? If I dwell on it too much, I know it’ll just make me worse.”

“Of course!” Sugawara agreed.

They pulled into Sugawara’s apartment complex car park, climbing out and carting the stuff into the lift to take it to the top floor. Daichi carried the tree with Sugawara’s help, each taking a few of the white bags filled with Christmas decorations, finally reaching Sugawara’s apartment door.

Sugawara unlocked the door and pushed inside.

Daichi followed him closely, depositing the tree carefully beside the couch.

“Want a drink?” Sugawara asked, heading into the kitchen.

“Sure, hot chocolate?”

“Yeah, I got that.”

Daichi set to work with tearing open the netting around the tree and standing the tree upright, “where do you want it?”

“Where do you think it’d fit best?” Sugawara asked, leaning over the counter to speak to him.

He looked around, from the main living space to the piano, around to the staircase to his bedroom and finally the kitchen and breakfast nook.

“Here.” Daichi dragged the tree to the position he felt best, beside the bookshelf in the main living space.

“I love it,” Sugawara beamed, still watching Daichi from his perch in the kitchen, “it’s perfect.”

Daichi felt his face heat up at the confirmation, smiling as he secured the tree into place.

He headed back to the bags of ornaments and began rummaging through for the tinsel. He heard the clinking of mugs and Sugawara was soon at his side, taking line after line of the coloured foil decorations and they walked to the tree.

“Purple and silver?”

Sugawara hummed, wrapping a silver strip around the base of the tree, “they’re my favourite colours.”

Daichi looked around, to the purple and blue tapestries and silver kitchen goods and ornaments around the apartment, smiling tenderly, “I can tell.” He began lining Sugawara’s pieces up with purple tinsel, rich and royal in colour.

Soon the tree was covered and it was time for the copious amounts of baubles they’d bought. Daichi handed a set to Sugawara, rooting through the bag for a set for himself, eyes landing on something else in the bag instead.

“Suga…”

“Yeah?”

He lifted the sprig of leaves and splayed branches from the bag, “when on Earth did you get mistletoe?”

“Oh, ahah,” Sugawara laughed nervously, “I forgot about that, while you were getting the hotdogs, I saw it.”

“So you picked it up?” His heart was beginning to speed up, what did Sugawara have in mind for him to have mistletoe?

Sugawara placed the half empty box of baubles on the bookshelf closest to him, approaching Daichi and taking the clipping of mistletoe from his fingertips.

“Yeah, Tetsurou and Kenma do it every year and anyone who walks under it gets a big smooch off Tetsu, so I thought it’d be fun too.”

Daichi’s heart slammed into his chest at the thought of Sugawara kissing other people, whether it was for fun or seriously.

“Suga—”

He was cut off by the other, smirking as he held the mistletoe above them, “be my first?”

Daichi’s face felt warm, his heart raced fast, his body moved before his mind could tell him not to. Their lips touched and as soon as it’d started it was over, so chaste and ghosting that Daichi wondered if they’d even kissed at all.

“You need to stop kissing me like that,” Sugawara hid his mouth behind the back of his hand, looking away as he confessed, “such a tease.”

Daichi couldn’t stop the smile that graced his face, “sorry.”

 

* * *

 

 

Sugawara felt the buzz of his device in his pocket and inwardly sent it daggers, it’d been blowing up all morning and now he was unable to check it.

Oikawa was taking the absolute _piss_.

It was his idea to arrange a surprise party for Daichi’s birthday, it was his idea for Sugawara to take Daichi out of the way for the day while they set up at his apartment, it was also his idea to get the plane back the day before he was meant to be setting up Daichi’s party. Unfortunately, a seven hour delay on his journey wasn’t a part of the plan.

So now he was in a group chat with Daichi’s friends and his own, trying to navigate a group chat in chaos as they ran around like headless chickens trying to set up in Daichi’s apartment.

He sighed, looking up at the call of his name.

“Hey birthday boy!” Sugawara cheered, waving to Daichi.

“OhmyGod,” Daichi laughed, burying his face in his hand, “thanks Suga.”

“Aaaand I know how you didn’t want me to buy you anything so I didn’t,” Sugawara threaded his arm into Daichi’s, “but today is my treat!”

“Suga…”

“Nope! Not gonna hear it!” He tugged on Daichi’s arm, pulling him inside the aquarium. He paid for their tickets, getting strong protests from Daichi, “I already told you I’m not gonna—”

Daichi thrust a wad of cash towards Sugawara, cutting off his words and waving it in his face. “Take it, Suga.”

“Ugh, fine.” Sugawara snatched it from Daichi’s hands, counting the money as Daichi walked past him.

He looked at the other man’s back, eyes rolling downward and then back to the money in his hands with a furrowed brow.

He could play that game.

“Suga, you coming?” Daichi turned back to look at him.

He rolled the money up, “yeah!” he ran to catch up with Daichi, and as Daichi turned back to continue walking Sugawara shoved his hand, along with the money, into Daichi’s back pants pocket, depositing the money and firmly smacking over Daichi’s backside before running ahead.

_“Suga!”_

“Don’t test me, Sawamura Daichi!” He called back, grinning when he saw Daichi’s rapidly reddening face. “I always get what I want!”

Daichi caught up to him and they headed further into the aquarium, playfully bickering with one another as they descended into the deep-sea exhibit.

It was dark, the hall lined with tanks that exuded coldness and bathed the room in royal blue hues, they approached one tank, the water so dark and murky they almost couldn’t see the creatures that dwelled inside it; that called it home.

“Is there even anything there?” Sugawara asked, squinting, all he could see was their reflections on the glass.

“I’m not—Oh, wait, I see something.” Daichi pointed to an area of the tank, long appendages twitching as the creature propelled itself through the water and out of the shadows long enough for Sugawara to see its dark brown body.

“An octopus!”

“Whoa, it’s actually smaller than I thought it’d be.”

“Were you expecting the Kraken, Daichi?”

Daichi laughed, “sorta, yeah.”

“I wonder what other creepy ass shit’s down here.” Sugawara said, walking ahead to the next tank and being wowed by the bioluminescent dancing display in front of him. “Daichi, come see this…”

Daichi joined his side moments later, he heard him gasp as they watched the jellyfish suspended in dark depths of the aquarium, scores of tiny bodies moving in a hypnotic ballet, purple and blue bioluminescence soaking Sugawara and Daichi’s silhouettes.

Sugawara snorted at the illustration on the exhibit, leaning down to read the details of the blob fish, “hey, hey, Daichi, it’s Megumi.” He grinned, pressing his finger against the picture of the blob fish.

He was pleasantly surprised by Daichi’s reaction, the jibe had been a gamble, but it’d paid off.

“Nah, that one fits her more.” Daichi pointed to a different picture, an angler fish under his finger, Sugawara was reduced to a cackling laugh, not oblivious to the tremble to Daichi’s hand.

He wanted to normalise this, make it so he didn’t hold back with his dislike of his ex-partner.

“Why? Because she lured you in then ate you alive?”

“Kinda,” Daichi smiled, “something like that.”

“Omg, ew, Daichi, there’s kids present.”

“ _Not_ like that.” Sugawara missed the other’s immediate reaction to his comment, but he did hear Daichi’s next words, “In all honesty comparing these fish to her is offensive to the fish.” Sugawara broke down into further amusement.

“Spider crabs!” Sugawara called, grabbing Daichi’s arm and tugging him over to another tank on the other side of the room. “There’s a preserved spider crab in the museum!”

“You really like crabs, huh?”

“Hell yeah,” Sugawara laughed, “crabs are my favourites after butterflies.” They continued through the winding corridor and eventually up into the light once more. “What about you? Favourite animal?”

“Are you kidding? Uhhh,” Daichi took his time to mull over an answer as they climbed the stairs from the basement displays and into the main foyer of the aquarium, “I like penguins.”

“OhmyGod, that’s adorable,” Sugawara snorted as they approached one of the handling displays, “I thought you were gonna try be all macho and say a wolf or a lion or some shit. But no, penguins! What kind?”

“Uhhh, the little ones, Magellanic?”

“Argentina?”

“Yes!”

“Omg my heart can’t take it.”  Sugawara couldn’t fight the rush of affection he felt for the other man, his heart stuttering in his chest, watching as Daichi leaned over the top of the shallow handling tank, looking at the different types of starfish and crabs.

His stomach dropped.

Oh no.

Oh _no._

“Hey, Suga, look.” Daichi said, rolling up the sleeve of his jumper to stroke along the back of one of the starfish, he turned to the keeper in charge of the exhibit. “Is it okay to hold them?”

“Sure, since you’re adults I don’t think I need to lecture you on how to hold them properly, do I?”

“No, no, I just wanted to make sure before I picked one up.”

Sugawara watched the pair share a smile before the keeper returned to talking to a group of children about the different species of fish and crustaceans in the shallow pool. Next Daichi fixed his sleeve before reaching in to carefully lift the starfish.

“Suga, look,” Daichi laughed, holding the creature in the palm of his hands, “wanna hold it? Oh! I know,” he placed the starfish exactly where he’d picked it up from, his touch gentle and fingers moving carefully. Sugawara found himself wondering how Daichi could ever use those hands for fighting or anything less than gentle; treating people and things as if they’d break at the slightest wrong move, “here!” There was a crab in front of his face.

There was a crab.

Right in front of his face.

“Holy crap.” He startled, eyes wide as he looked at the peach and red toned crustacean in Daichi’s hands. “There’s a crab.”

Daichi laughed, “you said they’re your favourite, right?”

“Y—Yeah, I mean—” Sugawara’s heart pounded in his chest as he looked between Daichi’s concerned features and the scuttling animal in his hands. “I’ve never actually _held_ a crab before.”

“So? Neither have I.” Daichi grinned, holding his hands out. “Before you took me to the docks I’d never even seen a live crab.”

“Wait, seriously?”

“Yeah!”

Sugawara looked at the crab, he didn’t want to be beaten by Daichi.

“Crab me up!” He rolled up both his sleeves, the twine bracelet hanging loosely from his wrist as he held out his hands, looking away with half closed eyes.

He heard Daichi laugh, wet hands against his palms and then something hard and small, he cupped his hands more to cradle the crab and he side glanced at it.

“There you go, you’re all crabbed up.”

Sugawara laughed, looking at the crustacean with intrigue and amazement as it sat in his palms, he moved his hands to look at it from all angles, “oh wow…” Daichi’s hands moved to cup his and the two of them looked down at the crab with fascination.

Sugawara would never admit that he was glad Daichi’s hands were there with his; but he was, it helped to stop the shaking.

The crab twitched in his palm and Sugawara was quick to let it fall through his fingertips and into Daichi’s waiting hand, “okay, okay,” he backed away just slightly, “I held the crab.”

Daichi just laughed, replacing the animal into its watery habitat and Sugawara watched it sidestep under one of the rocky corals.

They dried their hands on the tissue provided and then disinfected with the hand gel.

“You did, well done!” Daichi cheered, slapping Sugawara’s shoulder supportively. “You did great.”

“Don’t patronise me, Sawamura, I’ll push you in that rock pool.” Sugawara ground out good naturedly, breaking into a smirk moments later. He realised what he’d said and how he said it, looking to the other man and expecting to find a look of distress on his features.

Not the blindingly wide smile and mischievous glint in his eyes.

Sugawara never knew he’d needed that expression on Daichi, but now he wanted to see more of it.

“As if you could lift me.”

Sugawara had always liked a challenge.

“You want a bet?”

He rushed forward, attempting to scoop the other man up into his arms. He braced around Daichi’s waist and tried to lift him, feeling him lift.

“Hah—” he looked down, breaking down into a snickering laugh and rested his head against Daichi’s side, “motherfucker.” Daichi relaxed his stance and from his position on his tiptoes.

“Told you.”

“Fineeee.”

They began walking to the next exhibit, Sugawara tucking his arms into Daichi’s elbow and tugging him along, under a tunnel of fish and blue light. The light was disrupted by a shadow, Sugawara looking up in time to see the manta ray pass over their heads and he clutched Daichi’s arm tighter, fingers digging into his clothes.

“Oh my wow…” Sugawara gasped, “look! Nemo!” He rushed to one side, tugging Daichi along with him as they watched a clownfish bob in and out of the reef.

Daichi hummed softly, meeting Sugawara’s gaze. He pulled his arm free from Sugawara’s grasp and Sugawara pursed his lips. Then he felt a warm arm wrap around his waist Daichi’s body even warmer against his own.

He was momentarily shocked; confused. But then he settled against Daichi’s side, the sound of excited children and the hustle of the tunnel being drowned out, a wash of blue calming them both.

“Y’know…” Daichi spoke softly, so quiet and tender that Sugawara barely heard him at first; lost in his own thoughts, “this kinda puts me in the mood for sushi.”

Wait.

_What?_

He burst into cackles, “ohmyGod, Daichi,” he leaned heavier on the man, hand splayed over Daichi’s chest, vaguely aware of his laughter echoing through the tunnel, “that’s a terrible thing to say!”

“What?” Daichi laughed too. “It’s true.”

“You’re a monster! OhmyGod now I’m craving sushi too.”

“That’s dinner sorted.”

Sugawara knew what Daichi didn’t, and he knew that he wouldn’t be letting Daichi near food after three p.m., lest the party food go to waste.

“How about lunch?”

“Sure, means I don’t have to wait as long.” Daichi chuckled.

They continued they way around the aquarium, eventually reaching the café and going inside.

“Pre-made sushi!”

They waited in line, finally reaching the counter and Sugawara ordered two containers of sushi, two coffees, and a box of iced-ring donuts. They walked over to a table together, choosing one by the window and sitting down together and watching the world pass by.

“Thank you for today,” Daichi smiled, his words soft, “it’s a nice change of pace from the usual stuff I do on my birthday.”

Sugawara smiled, opening his sushi and beginning to eat, Daichi doing the same, “how would you usually spend it?”

Daichi finished what was in his mouth, “well, I guess it was just…a stuffy night?”

“Stuffy?”

“Yeah, like,” he rested his arm on the table top, resting his head on the hand of his other arm, “I’d spend the day at home, then I’d go for a meal with Megumi in some high-end restaurant when all I wanted was to be curled up in bed and not socialising with the people celebrating New Year’s Eve, y’know? I don’t mind going out in the day, but at night? No thanks.”

“Yeah…I can see your point, if my birthday was a big holiday, I wouldn’t leave the house either.”

“Yeah…that’s it, I’d rather be at home surrounded with the people I like than out in a posh restaurant where the crease on my shirt sleeve offends people.”

Sugawara laughed, “oh man, I would get flayed in a place like that, you saw how great a dinner party guest I can be first-hand.”

“Nah,” Daichi smiled, picking his next piece of sushi, “my family loved you, I got a text off nana and she’s desperate to come to the city once the weather improves.”

“Really?”

Daichi hummed, “I think all of them are planning it, in all honesty.”

“That’d be so great, give me a heads up, yeah? I’ll tidy up!” He grinned.

“Okay, yeah.” Daichi smiled softly, Sugawara experiencing a flutter in his chest at the boyish expression.

They finished their lunch and Sugawara excused himself, retreating to the bathrooms to check his phone.

He skim read the messages in the group chat, quickly typing a question into the group chat. 

_[[Suga: what time do you guys want me to keep daichi busy til?]]_

He looked at the time, already at just after two thirty in the afternoon.

He wasn’t sure how much more they could do at the aquarium, unless they could somehow find a way to spend three hours in the gift shop. Did he have to pretend to be indecisive for three hours?

Because he would.

_[[Makki: 6]]_

Until six?

Shit.

Okay, he could do that.

“Tetsurou!” He quickly checked the museum website. Kuroo had a lecture full of kids at four. “Perfect!” He fisted the air as an older man came in, Sugawara pursing his lips and apologising before ducking out of the bathroom.

He returned to Daichi, the latter looking up at him, “ready?”

“Ready!” He returned, linking Daichi’s arm with his own. “To the gift shop! And then I wanna head to the museum if that’s okay?”

“Sure, that’s fine!”

They walked through to the gift shop, Sugawara instantly knowing what he wanted to get the other man, “hey, Daichi,” he grinned, going over to a large plush toy of a penguin big enough that he couldn’t see around it when it was in his arms, “gis a kiss.”

He heard Daichi laugh, the plush toy in his arms falling from his grasp and into Daichi’s, the latter placing it back where Sugawara had first taken it from.

“No way.”

“Why not?”

“It’s so expensive.”

“So the price is the only thing stopping you?”

“Wh—what? No! Suga, it’s huge!”

Sugawara grinned, grabbing the penguin once more, “a snuggle buddy.”

He rushed to the counter, trying to speed walk away from the other man.

“Suga, no—”

“Hi, how are you today?” He asked the cashier, helping them find the tag and scan the barcode.

“I’m great thanks, sir, you like penguins?” She asked cheerily, smiling wide.

“Oh yeah, who doesn’t?” Sugawara spoke back, reaching for his wallet. “This one is for a special someone though, it’s their birthday today.”

“Oh how cute!” She laughed, passing him the card machine as Sugawara paid for the plush toy. He wasn’t blind to how quiet Daichi had grown. “Tell them happy birthday from the aquarium!”

“I will, thank you!” His eyes landed on the rack on the counter, the keychains hanging from it. “Oh, could I also get two of those!” He added, reaching for two of the keychains; red crabs that from the looks of it, had LED lights that made it glow, another thing that caught his eye made him grin and he fished out five of them, “and these, thanks.” 

She scanned those as well, setting them into a paper bag and handing that to Sugawara. Sugawara tucked the bag into his coat pocket, lifting the penguin.

“Thanks!” He called to the cashier. “Hey, Dai, you’re gonna have to lead the way.”

“Uh, okay,” Daichi sounded reluctant, Sugawara raising an eyebrow at the tone, “this way.”

It was then he realised he’d called Daichi “Dai”, it’d just slipped out, rolling off his tongue before he could really notice.

Had it upset Daichi?

“Daichi, are you okay?” They left the gift shop and began walking towards the museum, Sugawara taken by surprise when Daichi slowed to match his pace.

“Yeah,” he said with a smile, tucking Sugawara in close to his side and walking alongside him, “are you?”

Sugawara settled against him, sighing softly, “never better.”

They entered the museum and Sugawara immediately started leading Daichi to the elevator.

“Where are we going?”

“Tetsurou’s got a lecture at four! It’s gonna be fun.”

“Oh yeah? With the kids?”

“Yeah!” Sugawara said, pushing the elevator button for the sixth floor. “He’s so dorky it’s funny as hell.”

They made their way up to the sixth floor and Sugawara directed Daichi towards a set of double doors, ‘ _go right, take a left’_ and Daichi responded in kind ‘ _Suga, I know where the planetarium is’_ before slinking inside to the darkened planetarium. Sugawara huffed, setting the plush penguin into one of the seats at the back, taking a seat beside it and finally Daichi sitting beside him. He stretched his legs out and crossed his ankles on the seat in front of him.

They chatted together, watching as a group of thirty or so children began to file in and take seats at the front, another group of children entered and soon two thirds of the planetarium hall was full.

“He’s so extra, it’s hilarious.” Sugawara whispered to Daichi, the latter leaning closer to hear him before snickering softly.

“Really?”

“Oh yeah,” Sugawara crossed his arms over his chest, “I’ll make it funnier.”

“Why do I get a bad feeling when you say that?”

Sugawara grinned and shrugged, “I have no idea.”

Kuroo entered the room, beginning the interactive lecture with the children by introducing himself, Sugawara’s lips twitching into a cheeky smile as Kuroo’s eyes met his, flashing the latter a peace sign and watching his lips purse.

Sugawara could feel Daichi’s eyes on him and he brought the collar of his coat up over his mouth and tapping his lips with the metal zip.

How could he do it?

The possibilities were limitless.

“Does anyone know what planet this is?”

Sugawara looked up to see Kuroo pointing to Earth on a large interactive screen, “hell!” He cupped his hands around his mouth and called out.

Kuroo faked a laugh, “it is with you here.” The children found amusement in their antics, as did the teachers also present.

Sugawara quietened down and the lecture continued, Kuroo listed off each of the planets, introducing them in a way Sugawara never grew tired of; listening to his friend’s enthusiasm about the things he loved. For all his jibes and banter, he loved just how passionate Kuroo was.

But he couldn’t resist himself as the next planet came onto the screen, animated pale blue with concentric rings; not as big as its predecessor, Saturn, but big enough.

“Anyone know which one this is?” Kuroo smiled, using his hand to zoom in on the interactive board just enough for the children to see the planet’s name. “This is Uranus!”

“I sure would like to get acquainted with Uranus!” Sugawara called, watching the teacher’s face pale as the children burst into raucous laughter, despite their age they knew the hilarity to the planet’s name.

“Suga, are—are you kidding?” Kuroo huffed, moving his arms in what looked like exasperation. “There’s kids!”

“Yeah!” He shouted back, swinging his legs from the back of the chair in front of him and moving forward in his seat. The children all seemed to stop, looking up at him with curious eyes aglow. “And I mean what I said! Imagine it, kids, being friends with a planet where the atmosphere is so dense; so _heavy,_ that it rains _diamonds_!”

Loud gasps and excited noises rose from the group of children, bubbly laughter and relaxed faces from the teachers, Sugawara reclined in his seat once again, allowing Kuroo to clear his throat; attracting the children’s attentions and continuing with his lecture.

Sugawara looked at Daichi, “saaafe~” he snickered, narrowing his eyes and smirking, “I do want to get acquainted with your anus though.”

Apparently Daichi missed the hidden word play, unless he was trying to kill Sugawara, “I know, that’d be amazing.”

Sugawara buried his face in his hands to suppress his howl of laughter and hide his burning cheeks.

Eventually Kuroo’s lecture ended and they made their way down to speak with Kuroo. A light scolding from Kuroo later and both Kuroo and Daichi became engrossed in conversation, Sugawara used it as his chance to check the group chat and their progress.

_[[Makki: We’re done, **@Suga** , bring him back when you’re ready, just let us know when you’re a block away.]]_

Sugawara grinned, quickly replying before hiding his phone again, he returned to the other two men, smirking.

“You guys ready to head back home?”

“Yeah, sure.”


	12. Burnin' Photographs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood music:  
> [Lie by Jimin from BTS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwsUXOjYTVk)  
> [Patience by Take That](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvALJWkbvKQ)  
> [Come to Me by The Goo Goo Dolls](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4m2R6CLkvyQ)

Daichi didn’t quite understand why Kuroo was joining them back to his apartment, he also wasn’t really sure he wanted to know. His mind had been supplying him with plenty of ideas and each one he found himself more and more _less_ bothered by Kuroo’s presence; everything from a quiet night in with friends to even a surprise party flitting through his mind. There was enough evidence to support each theory, even the party; his friends were the type to do that sort of thing for one another.

But he didn’t dare hope for it to be true; how could he be that selfish?

He was also scared; deep down.

He didn’t dare grow excited by the possibility; it left him fearful to go back to nothing and spend the rest of the night depressed.

That was what happened last time.

_Last time_ left him with the taste of bile on his tongue, he and Megumi returning home to an empty apartment, even after she’d told him everyone was planning a surprise party; to act surprised.

He had been surprised…and hurt.

In hindsight he could see how it was her attempt to isolate him, but the experience had left him paralysed with fear.

He didn’t dare dream.

Daichi sighed, looking up to the sky as the sun dipped lower, soft blues growing purple and thin clouds beginning to blush pink, dusty rose haze over their city, he guessed he’d just have to wait and find out.

Sodium streetlamps started out red, deep crimson in colour and offering very little light to their journey, but by the time they’d reached the taxi rank they were glowing orange and bathing the trio in harsh shadows.

“Tetsurou, fucking—” Sugawara cut off to adjust the giant penguin in his arms “—flag a cab.”

Kuroo snickered, raising his hand to flag down the black cab on the other side of the road; a Hackney, the engine grumbling to life as the driver turned into a three-point-turn.

Sugawara climbed in first, handing the large penguin to Daichi before climbing in, the latter passing it back to him as he followed and sat in the middle seat, Kuroo finally sinking in beside them.

It was cramped, he could feel Sugawara’s presence firmly tucked into his right side, Kuroo’s to his left.

He heard Kuroo give in an address—that wasn’t his.

“We’re just picking up Kenma,” Sugawara smiled, seemingly able to sense Daichi’s confusion and mild panic, “his shop closes now.”

“Oh, I see…” Daichi responded, reclining in his seat and peering over Sugawara’s body to glance out the window, watching as unfamiliar streets became commonplace, the shops growing smaller and more independent in nature.

The taxi came to a stop outside a small flower shop, the exterior old but well cared for and it took only seconds for Daichi to realise.

He’d been to this shop before.

Back in June…

He was cut short from his daydream as the door opened, Kenma slipping into the back of the cab and taking the pull-down seat opposite Kuroo, but not before a box of flowers – specifically sunflowers – slid across the floor of the cab to under Sugawara’s feet.

“Here, Suga,” Kenma didn’t even blink at the giant stuffed penguin obscuring his friend’s form, “I can’t keep them going any longer, these are the very last ones; smaller than average too.”

Sugawara peered around the stuffed toy, Daichi briefly catching a glimpse of Sugawara’s phone in his hand; screen going black, “oh! Thanks Kenma, you’re a total babe.”

“There shouldn’t be sunflowers this late in the year.” Daichi commented without thinking three heads snapping up to look at him. “I mean—”

“Hey, where are you four going?” The cab driver asked curtly, eyeing them through the rear-view mirror.

“Oh, sorry,” Daichi apologised, giving in his address before looking at the group again; embarrassed by his outburst, “sorry, I, uh, I just know they don’t grow past mid-Autumn…”

Instead of what he was expecting…what was he expecting anyway? The group looked back to him as the taxi began to move again.

“You’re correct,” Kenma said, “normally they struggle past late September, maybe mid-October at the absolute latest. But I have a greenhouse at the back of the shop where I can force bulbs and seeds. It’s just now the plants are starting to wither and struggle, so I’m not gonna plant anymore until the new year. Also, happy birthday, Daichi.”

“Thanks Kenma, and I see,” Daichi commented softly, he leaned back against the seat. “I want to get back into helping out at the allotments.”

“That’d be great!”

Shit.

Had he said that out loud?

“I remember your family saying you could grow sunflowers like no one else!” Sugawara grinned.

“Ohoho? Is that a challenge to my fiancé?”

“No!” Daichi responded all to quickly. “Honestly, I wasn’t that good; I just followed instructions.”

Sugawara pursed his lips, “sounds fake, but okay.”

“I think it would be interesting to grow sunflowers in the greenhouse and then see Daichi grow some in an allotment,” Kenma hummed with a small smile, “see the differences and stuff.”

Daichi and Kuroo agreed, the silence from Sugawara making Daichi glance over to him. He noticed Sugawara’s strange expression, brows furrowed and attention focused on an invisible spot on the penguin’s head, “Suga?”

“When did you stop working at the allotments?”

Shit.

“I, uh—”

“Because in September you told me you still worked there.”

The taxi felt too hot, his face flushing and pulse thrumming along his cheeks and rushing through his ears. Everyone was looking at him.

He’d slipped up.

His own lie had caught him out.

In answer to Sugawara’s question? Three years.

In response to his lie?

“Winter is off-peak time; I don’t work there in the winter.”

Would that do?

Would that make them _leave him alone?_

“Oh, of course,” Sugawara laughed, “I can’t believe I was that stupid, _duh.”_

It was official.

Daichi hated himself.

The cab pulled up outside Daichi’s apartment, Kuroo beating Daichi to paying the driver and the four climbed out.

They crossed the pavement and into the lobby, Kuroo and Daichi guiding the near blind Sugawara by his elbows as he carried the giant penguin.

Daichi still couldn’t believe Sugawara had bought it for him, so impulsively too.

He’d never had that before, and he normally wouldn’t let anyone do that for him either.

They travelled to the elevator, the lift space cramped with the four of them plus the penguin he was quickly wanting to call _Not-Worth-The-Space-It-Took-Up_ , especially as he found himself pressed against the mirrored carriage wall. But he couldn’t call it that…it was a gift from Sugawara, and it was a ridiculously long name; almost as ridiculous as the size of the damn thing he was naming.

“Fuck, Suga, this thing is huge.”

Oh no.

Oh _no._

Kuroo cleared his throat, “that’s what she said.”

Sugawara started cackling, Daichi even hearing an amused snort from Kenma.

“What are you gonna call him?”

“Big Daddy.” Kenma answered for him, reducing Sugawara to leaning on the plush toy heavily as he laughed into the fabric.

“Daddy Cool!” Kuroo said moments later and Daichi watched as Sugawara collapsed into a wheezing pile on the penguin.

“Space.” Daichi responded. “I’m gonna call it Space.”

“Space?”

“Why Space?”

Daichi shrugged. _Not-Worth-The-Space-It-Took-Up_ needed a…less of a mouthful name.

“Just wanted to call it Space.”

“And here I was thinking you were cool for calling your pet crow Edgar Allan Crow. You coulda called this thing Pingu!”

“Ah, me and Pingu are sworn enemies.”

“Since when?” Sugawara cackled.

“Since I was five.”

The lift indicated the tenth floor and the group piled out, “whoa, this place is nuts.” Kuroo commented upon seeing the lavish hallway. “You must be minted to live in here.”

“I, uh, guess you could say that.” Daichi responded, going to his apartment door, unlocking it and going inside, the room dark and he went to flip on the light switch.

The light flickered into life, the room consumed in red, blue, and green hues where there would usually be a warm glow.

“Surprise!”

“Happy birthday!!”

“Hey, I thought we agreed on—” Matsukawa turned to the pinkette beside him.

“Excuse you, you just shouted _surprise_ at a _birthday_ party!” Hanamaki bit back.

“And you just shouted _happy birthday_ at a _surprise_ party!”

“Hey! Stop fighting!” Bokuto grumbled, stomping over to the couple and silencing them with his sudden presence.

Daichi couldn’t help but laugh, his attention broadening from his view of his two friends, seeing more and more people, more and more _friends_ in his apartment, everyone but Oikawa and Iwaizumi. He looked up to the lights to see coloured foil over each bulb, painting the room in deep hues or crimson, blue, and green before he looked back to Hanamaki and Matsukawa, “thank you.”

Hanamaki looked at Daichi from his position just off centre to the middle of the room, “did it surprise you?”

“Sorta,” Daichi shrugged, elaborating, “I kinda had a hunch you guys would pull something like this; I’m surprised my hunch was right.”

“Suga deffo snitched!” Hanamaki cried, pointing at Sugawara in scandal.

“Hey, no I didn’t!”

“Liar!”

“Lies!”

“As if I’d ruin the surprise, assholes!” Sugawara bickered back, settling the large penguin down and getting swamped by Hanamaki’s curiosity.

“Alright, alright, Mr. Novelist,” Matsukawa chuckled, “we get it, you’re able to figure things out.”

Daichi’s heart slammed into his ribcage, not daring to look at Sugawara and just hoping he’d been well distracted by Hanamaki. He forced out a laugh and a quiet _yeah._

But Kuroo’s curiously wary glances coupled with Kenma’s feinted indifferent stare was enough to show him he’d been heard by the both of them.

Shit.

“Yo, Daichi!”

Daichi turned, breaking into a smile as the caller approached, “Hayato! You’re back?”

He quelled the feeling of unease, pushed it down and tried to suffocate it, mostly being able to ignore the nagging pang in his chest and in his gut telling him that having Sugawara and his two friends in a room full of people who knew the truth about his identity, but didn’t know Sugawara didn’t know, was a bad idea.

He continued his conversation with Hayato, but he wasn’t blind to those yellow flowers boxed and left unattended in the entrance to his home. Kuroo and Kenma disappeared into the crowd of his friends.

“So Daichi, are you ready to take on Europe?” Yui asked, standing beside Hayato.

“Yeah,” Daichi smiled, “I’m excited but also nervous, Europe’s a big place.”

“I’m sure you’ll do great.”

“Hayato’s right, you always say you feel out of your depth; but you also always pull through.” The young woman beamed, her smile so infectious that Daichi found himself smiling too.

“Thanks guys, I’ll bear that in—” Daichi startled when he felt something on the nape of his neck, quickly reaching behind him and turning. “Suga!”

The silver haired man broke down into cackles, “heeey~” He waved, comical PVC constructed red and pink tentacles stretched over his fingers and flopping uselessly with each wiggle of Sugawara’s digits.

“Ohmy _God,”_ Daichi laughed, “where did you get those?”

“We just spent the majority of the day in an aquarium,” Sugawara snickered, “where do you think I got them from?”

“When did you—I didn’t see you pick those up!”

“They were by the counter – I picked them up when you weren’t looking.”

“Oh my God, Suga—”

“I also picked up something else.” Sugawara grinned, reaching into his pocket and removing the crab keychain.

There were two.

“I got us matching keychains!”

Daichi’s stomach lurched, wasn’t that a _couple’s_ thing?

But…what was couple-y about having a matching keychain of a cartoon crab?

“Watch this!” Sugawara grinned and pressed the bubbled crab, the keychain flashing at one end. “It’s a torch!”

Daichi found the item thrust into his palm and he smiled as he pressed the middle like Sugawara did.

Fuck it.

If it was a couple’s thing, then he and Sugawara were a couple.

“Thanks Suga, I love it.”

“You better.”

“I do.” Daichi laughed.

“Daaaaichiiii!!” Bokuto roared, giving Daichi only seconds to shield himself from the pillow that collided with his arms. He brought his arms up over his head, protecting his face as the plush cushion collided with him.

“Fuck, Bokuto!” He laughed, grabbing the pillow and being ran down by Bokuto’s large form.

“Akaash is coming later!” I can’t wait for you to meet him!”

“Oh yeah? That sounds great! Bring him over when he arrives.”

“I will!” And just like that his friend disappeared into the crowd of people again, Daichi finally hearing Sugawara’s raucous laughter.

A surprise birthday party, just for him, he looked around at all of his friends, smiling.

 

* * *

 

 

So far Daichi had felt no reason to worry, but once he’d learned of the fate that’d befell his old ping pong table, he felt his worry increase dramatically.

Beer pong was always a mistake.

Using different types of alcohol instead of just beer was always an accident waiting to happen.

“I bet Daichi’s had many an adventure on this table.” Hanamaki snickered, lining up the cups on the table top.

“Oh, yeah, definitely,” Matsukawa agreed, filling the cups on the kitchen counter before Hanamaki would take them away and to the table, “it sounded like he had one hell of a life before the breakup.”

Tendou laughed, leaning on the window frame, “kink master Daichi.”

His stomach rolled.

_No._

It was the _opposite._

They had it all wrong.

“Alright!!” Sugawara called, sauntering over to the table with a drink in his hand. “Beer pong!”

“Eeeh,” Hanamaki shrugged, “more like rosé, vodka, beer, and gin pong.”

“OhhhmyGod we’re gonna _die._ ” Sugawara snorted, leaning heavily on Hanamaki’s side.

“Perfect! I don’t wanna work the next shift.” Hanamaki handed a ball to Sugawara, turning to the man beside Tendou. “Sorry boss, but you know it’s the truth.” And Daichi turned away.

He looked over to Tendou, noting the man beside him and recognising him as one of Hanamaki and Matsukawa’s colleagues. They looked like chalk and cheese; lanky sinew next to thick muscle.

He heard a loud crow of a noise, half expecting Edgar to fly up to his shoulder but being remarkably surprised when he found the noise had come from Kageyama’s boyfriend, Hinata, who was marvelling at Kenma.

His eyes moved to Kageyama next; the young writer had grown in confidence since the book signing. He was still awkward and could be standoffish at times, but Daichi was glad he’d stayed in touch; he was a good man, so was Hinata. They were both good people.

Although he couldn’t help the guilt rising up as he realised it’d been so easy to tell them the truth; but Sugawara? He still couldn’t even approach the subject with him.

He was a horrible human being.

A horrible human being surrounded by only the best.

He sighed, catching sight of Yui and Hayato by the window, looking over the slush covered city as the sky finally faded from sunset to twilight, the woman resting her hand on her swollen stomach; he still couldn’t believe she was already starting her third trimester, but he was glad Hayato was home to look after her. Rings glinted on their fingers, yellow gold reminding him of what he nearly had.

What he’d lost.

“Daichi!” He turned to the voice, seeing Bokuto approaching with a nervous fidget to his features, the man following behind him wringing his hands. The pair stopped in front of him. “This is Akaash!”

_This_ was Akaashi Keiji?

“Akaashi Keiji, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” Akaashi offered him a tanned hand, Daichi taking it and shaking firmly.

“Nice to finally meet you, Akaashi-san, I’m Sawamura Daichi.”

The barest hint of a smile graced Akaashi’s, “Bokuto-san has told me a lot about you; I love your books.”

“Ah, thank you.” Even Akaashi knew? He bit his lip, looking over to Sugawara as the latter threw another ball and it landed in a cup, a cheer escaping the crowd gathering around the game.

“Hey, hey, hey, Daichi,” Bokuto addressed, slapping his hand on his shoulder, “I’ve nearly finished my latest book, I wanna get Suga something to say thank you for letting me pick his brain, what does he like?”

“Uh—”

“Suga likes _anything_ to do with butterflies, sunflowers, and orange flavoured chocolate.”

Daichi startled, looking to Kuroo beside him, “a—and crabs.”

Kuroo’s eyes narrowed.

Oh no.

“Okay!” Apparently the tension was lost on Bokuto. “So butterflies, sunflowers, orange chocolate, and crabs!” Bokuto listed off on his fingers.

Akaashi eyed the situation with interest, looking away to watch the rosé-vodka-beer-gin pong, “Bokuto-san, let’s go watch the game. It looks like Sugawara is winning.”

“Winning an aching hangover, maybe.” Bokuto laughed, wrapping his arm around Akaashi’s middle and they walked over to where the game was getting more drunken and disorderly by the second.

Mixing alcohol was never a good idea.

“Daichi. Can I speak with you a second?”

Golden orbs watched with interest and Daichi met Kenma’s eyes before looking back to Kuroo, “sure,” they began walking towards the front door, Kuroo leading Daichi out into the hallway, “is everything—”

“Don’t shit with me, Sawamura.” The harshness to Kuroo’s tone made Daichi flinch.

“I—”

“What are you hiding?” The other man ground out, gripping the fabric of Daichi’s shirt in his hands and towering above him, pushing him back against the wall.

For a moment Daichi was reminded of his fight with Yamato, his heart pounding in his chest and feeling all too breathless.

“I’m not—”

Kuroo’s forearm pressed against Daichi’s throat.

“I warned you not to shit with me.” His voice went _low._ “You better ‘fess up, Sawamura, or I’ll tell Suga everything _I_ know, and lemme tell ya, _Ishimoto,_ it don’t paint you in a very positive light.” The pressure across his collar bones didn’t let up, Kuroo’s eyes alight with fury as he snarled at Daichi.

Daichi grappled at the arm over his body, “okay, okay, just…” he squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lip, “please, stop.”

The grip on his shirt loosened and the pressure along his clavicle lessened, he opened his eyes and saw Kuroo’s rage had abated just slightly, mild concern marring his features instead.

“Okay.”

Daichi finally took a breath, body hot with adrenaline and he gripped his own chest, willing his heart to slow down.

“First…I want to apologise,” he spoke softly, “I…this was never a part of my plan.”

“Tell me why.”

“Why…” Daichi repeated, unable to meet the hazel eyes boring into him. “I wanted to tell him, but as time passed, I only grew more afraid,” he swallowed, “I don’t want to damage our relationship.”

“So lying is the answer?” The harsh edge was back. “Because that’s what you’re doing. Living a lie.” Kuroo frowned down at Daichi. “And if Kenma is right, and he usually is, then what happened in the taxi is your lie falling apart.”

Daichi could only nod, “I’m caught in a lie that’s tearing apart at the seams…”

Kuroo scoffed, but the sound was hollow, “jeez,” he ran his hands through the hair at the back of his head, “so poetic, you can tell you’re a novelist.” Kuroo’s words were laced with venom. He then looked back to Daichi. “I want you to tell him.”

“I…plan to.” Was all Daichi could say.

“No. I mean _now_ ,” Kuroo walked back to his apartment door, “if your lie is tearing apart at the seams then save yourself the anxiety of waiting for it to tear and tear it yourself.” He opened his hand, palm up, and Daichi realised what Kuroo’s gesture was for.

He dropped his apartment key into Kuroo’s palm, the latter jamming it into the keyhole and unlocked the door, disappearing inside.

The door shut quietly, the keys swinging just slightly with the momentum, once he heard the click of the door before sinking to the ground, back sliding down the wall as he brought his legs up to his chest, dropping his forehead onto his knees.

Fuck.

_Fuck._

He fought to regain control over his heart rate and normalise his breathing, exhaling shakily.

He’d fucked up.

He’d massively fucked up.

He had to tell Sugawara the truth, Daichi looked up, eyeing a scuff on the wall opposite him. Maybe not about Megumi; not yet. But he had to tell him about Ishimoto Kenta…the truth.

He swallowed around the globus sensation taking up residence in his throat and pushed himself from the hallway floor. He ran his hand through his hair before going to his front door, twisting the key in the lock and going inside.

“Daichi!”

Daichi looked up and saw Sugawara sat beside Kenma, tucking into some of the freshly made buffet food set out on the kitchen counters, a glass of clear liquid Daichi hoped was water at his feet.

It was now or never.

He exhaled with a shaky sigh, his heart already beginning to speed up, “Suga! Hey…uh, can I talk to you? In my room.”

Sugawara looked up at him and nodded, “sure.” He grinned, picking up the paper plate in his left hand and reaching for Daichi with his right.

Daichi wondered if he’d still smile like that for him after he’d revealed the truth.

He hoped so.

He was…getting used to being someone Sugawara loved.

The thought of losing Sugawara was upsetting.

Daichi took his hand, helping him stand while trying to ignore Kenma’s stare, the stare that felt like everyone was watching him.

The pair crossed the room, Daichi feeling his nerves grow almost unbearably as they closed the distance between his bedroom door. He took hold of the doorknob, turning it and pushing inside, hearing Sugawara cross the threshold behind him and the door close.

“What’s up, Daichi?”

Daichi turned to look at Sugawara, “sit down?”

Pink lips pursed, but the other man sat on the edge of Daichi’s bed, taking another bite from one of the chicken legs on his plate.

He felt far too hot, his whole face burning.

Daichi moved to open the window, sliding the sash frame up and latching it open. He welcomed the cold air as it entered the room.

Now or never.

He had to tell him.

Daichi sat down beside Sugawara, “I…have something to tell you, it’s…important, okay?”

Sugawara nodded, carding his fingers through the hair on the left side of his head.

“I’ve,” Daichi paused to consider his words, “I haven’t been completely honest with you.”

“Well, _duh_.” Sugawara half chuckled to himself, leaving the paper plate of food on the bed and moving to stand, he lazily trudged around Daichi’s bedroom. “You’re always keepin’ secrets, Dai.”

It stung.

“But now I want to tell you the truth.” Daichi wondered whether just coming out and saying it would be better than skittering around the subject. “I—”

“What are these?” Sugawara interrupted, lifting two books off the shelves in Daichi’s room.

Daichi’s stomach hit the floor.

The very first printed editions of both his books…complete with typos and unedited author’s notes.

“These are first edition prints, Daichi, how did you get these?”

Daichi leaned back on his hands, palms flat against the bed, trust Sugawara to always create the conversation. He took a deep breath to steady himself.

“They’re mine.”

The other man froze, paperback books in his hands as he ceased thumbing through dogeared pages; one book worn with his pride, the other untouched by it.

“What?” Sugawara snorted, turning to face Daichi with an amused grin. “ _Yours—”_

Whatever he was going to say never passed his lips, his expression falling at the sight of whatever expression Daichi wore.

“They’re your books…” He breathed softly, looking down at the manuscripts in his hands, turning them over to read the backs and he stroked over the covers with the very tips of his fingers. “Your books…”

“Suga…I’m Ishimoto Kenta,” Daichi looked to his hands in his lap, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

“You’re Ishimoto Kenta…”

Daichi nodded.

“You’re serious?”

“Why would I lie?”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Then how can I prove it?” Daichi asked. “Should I take you to the publishers? Meet my manager? Would you believe me if I show you book three that _you_ inspired me to write?”

“Book three?”

“Book three.”

Daichi reached down between his bed and his bedside table, gripping the same red laptop he’d almost destroyed earlier that year, opening the lid and logging on as the bed beside him dipped and Sugawara sat beside him.

He loaded up his file, allowing Sugawara to see the three stories, the first two completed and the third a tiny file size.

“Oh my God…”

His heart was jumping in his chest as he opened the document, letting Sugawara read the first page.

“Does that convince you?”

“You’re Ishimoto Kenta!” Sugawara crowed suddenly, leaning on his hands and knees and leaving Daichi trapped against the pillows at the head of his bed. “How could you keep something like this from me?!”

“Suga, I’m sorry—”

“I thought we were close! I thought—” He crawled closer, caging Daichi’s body and his hands grabbed Daichi’s shoulders in an almost bruising hold. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“…afraid.” Daichi hated how his voice cracked as he cowered from Sugawara’s presence, being reminded of everything he wanted to forget; what slender hands did to him in this same position.

“What…?”

Daichi cleared his throat, feeling the sting of tears in his eyes as he blinked furiously, “I was afraid, I still am afraid—hell, Suga, _I’m terrified.”_ His hands wrapped around Sugawara’s wrists, trying to free himself.

“Why?”

“I don’t want to destroy what we have.” He felt the warm saline tracks disappear into his hairline on his temples, much to his own chagrin, the sting only growing as he hiccupped involuntarily, closing his eyes.

Sugawara’s weight didn’t let up, still domineering, still holding his body hostage in every way he didn’t want to be. He looked up at the other man; desperate to commit to memory that this wasn’t Megumi, that Sugawara wouldn’t hurt him like she did.

“And you didn’t think _not telling me_ would hurt less?” Sugawara’s tone dropped, brows furrowing as he squeezed his eyes shut, the next time he opened them they were glossy. “Fucking—” his right hand rose from its position on against Daichi’s shoulder, rearing back and he began to bring it back down “—how could you?!”

Sugawara’s hand stopped suddenly mid-swing and Daichi brought his now free arm up, pushing Sugawara and knocking his balance askew and sending the other man tumbling onto the bed beside him, he sat up, breath coming in short and quick pants as he took to his feet and backed towards the ensuite.

“I—I didn’t want that.”

Sugawara lifted back onto his knees, meeting Daichi’s eyes and Daichi watched his expression crumple.

“Couldn’t you trust me?”

“Suga…”

“No! _Listen to me,_ did you really think my feelings for you would change because of something so stupid?”

What?

“Come here!”

Daichi tried to calm himself down, shaking his head in refusal of Sugawara’s demand.

“No.”

“Daichi, come here.”

His back hit the ensuite bathroom’s door and he shook his head again. “No, Suga…”

“Daichi—”

“No!”

Oh…

When did Sugawara’s expression change?

Instead of anger Daichi saw fear; he saw worry lines and he saw lips twisted in grimace.

“Suga…?”

“Come here…”

Daichi found himself stilling, the hurricane in his heart and mind abating enough for him to take a tentative step forward.

“I’m—”

“I’m sorry.” Sugawara looked down, arms limp at his sides as he continued to kneel. “I scared you, huh?”

Daichi wanted to say no, “yeah…”

“I’m sorry.” Sugawara slumped, shifting to sit on the bed properly and he patted the mattress beside him. “Come here, I won’t say or do anything.”

“Suga—”

“Ssssh, just…sit.” Sugawara hushed and Daichi sank down beside him, wringing his hands anxiously, each second dragging out torturously slow.

“Can I—” He stopped himself, instead deciding to just do it.

He dipped his head against Sugawara’s shoulder feeling the other tense under the sudden invasion of his personal space, “I’m sorry for not telling you.”

“And I’m sorry for scaring you and holding you down.” Fingers carded through his hair, a gentle weight resting on his crown. “Thank you for telling me.”

Daichi was quiet for a moment, “and thank you for not hitting me.”

“I don’t know why I stopped.” Sugawara admitted honestly, lifting his head from where it was resting over Daichi’s. “But look at you; sitting here and in my personal space without asking first.”

“Don’t remind me.”

“I’m telling you I’m proud of you, accept it.”

Daichi fell silent in quiet reflection, could he accept it after what had happened?

He bit his lip, “Suga?”

“Yeah?”

Fuck it.

He lifted his head, turning to face the other man and he cupped Sugawara’s face in his hands, “Dai—” he didn’t let Sugawara finish before he closed the distance between them, stealing Sugawara’s lips in a kiss that started out like the one six days prior, but ended with them both breathless yet only parting momentarily.

This time Sugawara’s hands grazing over Daichi’s raging pulse and settling around his jaw, framing his face as their lips slanted together once more; like they were _made_ for each other. This time Daichi found himself beneath Sugawara again but his heart raced for a completely different reason to the one before. He wrapped his arms around Sugawara’s waist as Sugawara’s hands worked their way into his hair.

The kiss wasn’t urgent, wasn’t fuelled by lust or desire, Daichi felt like he could pull away at any time and that would be the end of it and in his heart, he knew Sugawara felt the same. There wasn’t a passionate battle for dominance between their tongues, in fact, Daichi quickly realised there were no tongues at all.

It filled him with ease to know Sugawara stayed within unspoken boundaries. He wasn’t ready for anything more; not yet, but he didn’t even need to vocalise it.

Sugawara just _knew_.

Although he’d be lying if the bite to his bottom lip, dark copper eyes heavy lidded as they looked down at him as Sugawara pulled away, the feeling of Sugawara’s body awkwardly pressed against his didn’t awaken _something_ inside him; caused it to stir as he found his own tongue lave over where Sugawara had bitten and feel something just a little _more_ than he had before.

“Suga—”

“Sawa-chan!!”

Oikawa?

Daichi huffed.

Of course.

But he also felt excitement to see his friend again.

“Wanna go back out?” Sugawara asked, sitting up.

“Yeah.” Daichi smiled, sitting up as well and running his hand across his hair just in case it’d become ruffled.

They fixed their askew attires and headed back out into the main room, Daichi welcoming his friend in an embrace and laughter.

“Happy birthday!”

“It’s great to have you back.”

 

* * *

 

 

Sugawara zipped up his coat, watching the rest of the group do the same, he’d sobered up considerably in the hours prior; although some things were sketchy. As midnight began to approach the numbers had dwindled to just Daichi, Bokuto, Tendou, Oikawa, Hanamaki, Matsukawa, and himself.

It was clear that Daichi had a bond to these five like none of the others, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel like he was intruding.

“Sawa-chan, don’t forget those God-awful pictures!”

Pictures?

Sugawara watched as Daichi disappeared back into his bedroom, emerging with a brown envelope and the group were all wearing various smiles and expressions of amusement.

What was going on?

“Ready?” Bokuto asked, opening the apartment door and the group began their trek down to the lobby, seven somehow squeezing into the elevator.

Once in the lobby he watched the group in their various banter, beginning to trail behind as they walked out into the cold night.

It was clear they were a part of something he wasn’t.

“Hey, uh, Daichi!” He called, waiting until he had his attention. “I’m gonna go now, okay?”

“What? Suga-chan you can’t!” Oikawa spoke up first.

“Yeah, you won’t wanna miss this!” Hanamaki grinned.

He didn’t trust either of them.

“Okay, Suga,” Daichi said softly and Sugawara could tell he was elsewhere with his thoughts, “if you wanna go home then I won’t stop you, but we’d all like you to stay.”

He didn’t want to go home.

“Promise I’m not intruding?”

“Promise.”

“Then I’ll stay.”

They all cheered and Sugawara quickly got caught up in the group’s antics, falling into step with them this time as they walked the short distance to the public park. He could see the bonfire already roaring; painting the surroundings in ghostly shadows, apparitions in the night that were black against warm oranges.

He watched as the annual tradition took place, the gathering of people throwing, within reason, the things they wanted to get rid of in the new year into the crackling flames.

“Burn her!” Oikawa cheered, the rest of the group joining in and egging Daichi on.

“Send her to hell!”

Sugawara watched, remaining silent until prompted to speak. He could see Daichi expression, half ablaze and the other half concealed by shadows, but he could see the other man’s reluctance to throw whatever was in the envelope onto the fire.

He approached him, settling his hand on Daichi’s arm.

“If what’s in that envelope is stopping you from being free, then it doesn’t deserve a place in your life.”

Daichi looked to him, half smiling before he lifted the lip of the envelope.

“You’re right.”

He reached inside the paper, withdrawing photographs and throwing them onto the bonfire before Sugawara could see.

At the same time the sky erupted into light, the fireworks deafening overhead as they lit up the sky, signalling the start of the new year.

Bathed in blue, green, purple, and yellow sparks like stars Sugawara found his eyes drawn back to the fire just in time to catch the destruction of what – who – held Daichi’s heart hostage.

Megumi.

Loose black waves tumbling to just above shoulder length, tips dyed a faded purple, hazel-green eyes dark and cold. A Daichi-esque form beside her, eyes aglow as he looked at her with utter adoration.

Yet he looked dead. Dulled and listless, not the man Sugawara knew now.

Not the man Sugawara had grown to cherish.

Is that what Daichi’s family had meant?

When Mamoru and Fumiko had spoken in what they assumed to be private. Is this what they’d meant?

The picture slowly burned, and Sugawara could then see many similar pictures, ones that even to outsiders such as himself looked like a loveless; or incredibly one-sided love.

It broke his heart.

“Burn her!” He screamed into the night, uncaring about the people around them. “Burn her!”

“Daichi?”

Sugawara turned.

“Daichi, I knew it was you!”

Megumi?

No.

She looked different.

“Rin!”

Rin?

“What are you doing here?” Daichi asked, smiling as he spoke.

“Ah, I came to burn some things,” she looked to the fire, “looks like you did to.”

Daichi hummed, “I have these guys to thank.” He motioned to behind him.

“Omg it’s been so long, hey guys!” She waved, the group expressing their greetings in return, her eyes finally settled on Sugawara. “Is this who I think it is?”

Daichi hummed again, the sound soft and Sugawara found himself having to try and quell the jealousy in his heart.

Who was she?

“This is Sugawara Koushi, the man I bought the butterfly ornament for.”

“Nice to meet you.” Sugawara spoke with a pout as Rin took his hand in a firm handshake.

“Nice to meet you too, Sugawara!” She grinned back. “I’m Rin!”

“Rin’s Megumi’s sister,” Daichi explained, Sugawara feeling like he’d been crushed by a tonne of bricks, “but they don’t have much contact with one another—Oh, hey, Rin, you’d like Suga, he kicked Yamato down the stairs.”

Rin laughed boisterously into the night, “I already liked him, but now I like him more.” She grinned.

“Thanks.” Sugawara responded.

“Oh! I gotta go, I’m meant to be meeting friends; but it was great seeing you again, and it was nice to meet you too, Sugawara!” Rin spoke fast; like a whirlwind, never once seeming to stop for air.

He wasn’t sure how to feel about her just yet.

But if Daichi’s reaction was anything to go by then he shouldn’t feel threatened by the young woman.

Yet he did.

If Daichi could look at Megumi with such affection; be so reluctant to move on, then would a part of him cling onto Rin as a kinder, more caring Megumi?

Someone to fill the gap?

Sugawara felt sick to even entertain such a thought.

 

* * *

 

 

Sugawara looked at his quiet apartment, glancing around in quiet reflection.

Parts of the night were hazy, he could remember everything before the beer pong and most of what happened after.

He was almost completely convinced the only reason he was this sober was because of her.

He’d finally saw her.

She wasn’t a faceless existence anymore.

Megumi.

Daichi’s ex-partner.

The one that Daichi’s family hated, ridiculed; the one Daichi’s friends scorned with a passion; the one that Daichi was so afraid to talk about.

It felt surreal, in a way.

He pursed his lips, trudging up wrought iron stairs into his bedroom and pausing to look around at his surroundings.

He felt hollow.

He fell backwards onto his bed, throwing himself down on his back to stare up at his domed bedroom ceiling, the chandelier that badly needed dusting down.

Why couldn’t he forget her face?

Why did it haunt his mind?

He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, rolling onto his side and curling up on himself.

Even behind closed eyelids she reigned supreme.

Sugawara growled in frustration, fisting his hand and slamming it into the plush duvet.

“Bitch!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of your comments and support, it really keeps me going with this story <3


	13. Jagged Scars - The Door to the Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early update because I have two 10 hour shifts this weekend <3
> 
> Mood music:  
> [Fake Love x I Need U mashup (BTS) by Miggy Smallz](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBZh2mQbteI)  
> [October and April by The Rasmus ft. Anette Olzon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7z3XKR3jgMw)  
> [Tear by BTS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7hZ8Z9sM38)

Despite it being just after midday the temperature hadn’t increased much since that morning. Daichi descended the steps of the publishing building, feeling the stony grit beneath his shoes and looking down to see the heavily salted ground; an attempt to keep ice and frost at bay.

Daichi’s breath painted the air around him white, each long exhale that passed his chapped lips creating condensation clouds as he walked. Outside the theatre was a burger van and Daichi couldn’t resist stopping to order.

Five minutes later, and despite the cold, his hands felt warm thanks to the paper bag he carried, fast food contents with only one destination in mind.

He rushed to make the lights, skittering across the road and dodging traffic to reach the quiet plateau. Disappearing behind the grand hall and walking along Victorian cobble stone, past the art gallery and it’s spectacular black-painted, three tier water fountain, cherub angels and maidens adorned in gold-painted dresses taking pride of place around the central pillar.

He made a mental note to take Sugawara to the gallery one day; to show him his favourite piece.

Off the cobbled road and onto mismatched stone pavement, no slab the same size or colour, some the colour of red brick, others marbled grey, arranged like an intricate mosaic that spanned the entire city.

Christmas and New Year’s festivities were almost two weeks old, the city sluggish and slow to recover as people everywhere suffered back-to-work-blues.

That’s why he was leaving his own work, final plans for his trip to Europe finalised, and going to the museum to surprise Sugawara with lunch. A pick-me-up for the other man.

He hadn’t seen much of Sugawara since his birthday, they’d both been so busy; him preparing for his trip to Europe at the end of the month, and Sugawara preparing the butterfly house for the grand opening in March. But nothing had changed since his confession, Sugawara still texted him, sent rude jokes and made fun of Megumi, it’d become routine to the point that Daichi no longer felt uncomfortable with it.

They’d even been able to meet up for five a.m. coffee twice.

It was blissfully normal.

His phone in his pocket buzzed and it startled him from his thoughts, he hadn’t been expecting the sensation against his hip. Reaching into his pocket he lifted the device just enough to read the message on the screen.

_[[come to the museum, im in the atrium]]_

He smirked and let the phone drop back into the confines of his pocket, he wouldn’t reply. Instead he picked up his pace at the thought of surprising Sugawara by showing up just moments after the message was sent.

Past the library, its towering dome roof and extravagant exterior, his amusement grew at the thought of surprising the other man.

Up the sandstone steps of the museum, towards the dark wood doors.

He disappeared inside, floating around people marvelling at the entryway, he pushed through the brief darkness and into the bright atrium, immediately looking for the familiar head of silver hair.

He looked around, the museum wasn’t as busy as it was on weekends, but there was still a considerable amount of people.

“Daichi!”

He turned to the voice, his breath catching on an inhale. All at once his heart stopped, his stomach lurched, and his blood turned to frozen mercury in his veins.

“M—Megumi.”

“Daichi!” The woman greeted excitedly, rushing forward and wrapping her arms tightly around him. He clung to her, taking in a staccato breath as his body moved automatically, arms embracing her tightly as his body trembled, legs going weak. He allowed himself momentary reprieve from fighting against her influence and hold on him; allowed himself to momentarily succumb to what he once found comforting.

Hoping to find the same respite he did back then.

Instead he felt as if he was drowning.

He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out beside a small stammer of half her name, “Me—”

She pulled away and Daichi tried to draw in a breath, his chest tight, her presence suffocating.

Why was she here?

“You came so fast!”

What was happening?

Daichi looked down at her, was she really there?

“Y—Yeah, I—”

Wait, what did she mean?

He felt cold hands skirt down his sleeves, gripping his hands and tugging them forward.

What should he—

“I’ve missed you so, so much, Daichi.” Hooded hazel-green eyes.

Bullshit.

“Really?”

“What do you mean _really?_ Of course I have!” A pout.

Daichi gulped.

Why was she here?

_Why?_

He opened his mouth, unable to formulate a response and the corners of her lips ticked up.

“You look a little flustered, Daichi,” her tone set him on edge, “happy to see me?”

No.

_No._

Seeing his lack of response she continued, “I’m _so_ happy to see you,” she picked a loose thread from his coat lapel, “I’m so proud of you.” Her hands gripped his lapels tight.

Bullshit.

“You’ve worked so hard—” despite her efforts to stop him “—I’m so glad I sacrificed those months for you; for _us_.”

He wished he could believe those words, wished he could go back to a time where those words would bring him comfort; safety.

Ignorance and conditioning was bliss.

But now he knew the truth.

It wasn’t for him, not for them either.

_For no one; for nothing._

He clenched his fist and his jaw tensed.

She’d never been for them.

“You’re famous and I’m sure you can afford to move out of that apartment…somewhere big enough to have a family.”

His heart slammed against his ribcage.

_No._

_Open your mouth, say it!_

_No!_

Soft lips caressed his own bitten ones as Megumi pulled him down by his lapels, a familiarity that should’ve been warm, reassuring, left him frozen. Hands moving to hold his face in a way that meant he couldn’t pull away without her say so.

But some part of him desperately wanted to forget what’d happened, to go back to the way they had been.

He’d been fighting so long; thought he was free from her shackles.

But he’d been wrong, she didn’t need shackles to remind him what they were, what they could’ve been.

His lips moved against hers.

What they could still be if he just…

No.

No.

He didn’t want this.

“Aren’t you glad to have such a caring _fiancée?_ ”

Daichi paused.

I _loved_ you.

Fiancée.

But not anymore.

 

* * *

 

 

“I’m tellin’ ya, Suga, it looks fine. Besides, aren’t you meant to be going to meet Daichi later to go shopping for some more plants?”

“Yeah, but still!” Sugawara stood, shielding his eyes from the blinding winter sun as he looked over the city skyscape. “I want it to look perfect, y’know?”

From his position on the third floor he could see almost all of the city, smiling as he watched the hustle and bustle below them.

He really wanted to stay and keep working on the butterfly house, but he also really wanted to see Daichi.

“You really think it’s okay for me to leave it right now?”

“Yeah! You’ve seen how well the plants are growing, what more can you do?”

“You’re right,” Sugawara hoped he didn’t seem _too_ eager, “then I’m gonna go meet up with Daichi, I think.”

He watched his friend smile, “so you’re really okay with what he told you?”

Sugawara paused.

What?

“What? What do you mean?”

“Y’know, at the party.”

Sugawara pursed his lips, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

The pair began heading back inside, down the new staircase and onto the third-floor.

“Are you shitting me? He didn’t tell you?”

“I think we’ve established by now,” Sugawara snorted, playing off his confusion with amusement as he locked the door onto the rooftop, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“That fucking bastard.” Kuroo swore as the left the bug house and went onto the third-floor landing. “I warned him.” Kuroo stopped walking, running his hand through his hair. “Listen, Suga, Daichi isn’t who you think he is.”

“Is this gonna be like that time you convinced me Lev was one-hundred percent Russian, didn’t speak a lick of English, and worked for the Russian mafia?”

“No, although that was funny and still not disproven—”

Sugawara hummed, “we still don’t know what he does for a living.”

“But back on topic! Daichi is Ishimoto Kenta.”

Sugawara’s first response was to laugh loudly to the ceiling, “that’s a load of—" And then he was struck by a sudden sense of déjà vu.

Daichi was Ishimoto Kenta.

“OhmyGod Daichi’s Ishimoto Kenta.”

“I’m sorry you had to find out this way Suga, I warned him to tell you.”

“I—” Sugawara paused, “I already knew.”

The party.

“He did tell me, ohmyGod,” he covered his mouth with his hands, eyes blowing wide as he looked at Kuroo, “he told me in his room right before we kissed!”

“Wait—you guys _what?!”_ Kuroo stopped himself, looking at his watch. “I gotta go to a lecture now but don’t think you’re getting away with that, Suga! You better spill _everything!”_

Kuroo was still rambling as he walked away, Sugawara snorting in amusement before continuing down the stairs towards the atrium.

He always liked observing the visitors from above, looking out over the atrium as clouds created shadows that glided along the floor and people. But today the sunlight was mostly uninterrupted, he reached the landing for the second floor and peered down, eyes landing on Daichi—

Kissing a woman.

Black wavy hair. Dyed purple ends. He wasn’t stupid.

_Megumi._

It stung.

Why was she here?

Why was he kissing her?

Had they made up?

Sugawara felt sick.

His heart hammered in his chest and he ducked low behind a hanging banner, travelling down to the first floor to get a better look.

He remained hidden behind the banner, peering just enough to watch the kiss end, ducking as her eyes scanned his way and she uttered the words, “aren’t you glad you have such a caring fiancée?”

His heart stopped.

_Fiancée?_

Daichi had a fiancée?

_Daichi’s fiancée was Megumi?_

He felt numb.

What would Daichi’s response to that be?

He could guess; the other man had just been kissing her.

“No.”

No.

He knew it, _no_ —

_Wait._

_No?_

No…

“No? What do you mean _no?”_ She scoffed.

“I—I mean what I said.” Daichi stammered out. “No.”

“I don’t—”

“Did I stutter? I said no!”

Sugawara almost needed to do a double take, had that really been Daichi?

He’d never heard him raise his voice like that…

“ _You’re_ the one that called an end to this, _you’re_ the one who cheated, _you’re_ the one who hurt _me—”_

Sugawara watched Megumi’s face twist into a snarl, “I called an end to this for us!”

“ _For us_ my ass, Megumi!” Daichi fumed back, his body language betraying him. Sugawara could tell his anger was just a front. “You never cared about _us,_ that’s why I’m ending _us._ Right here, right now.”

Sugawara continued to watch Megumi’s face, it turned from a snarl into a crumpled anguish so fast he would’ve missed it if he’d so much as blinked.

“You don’t miss me at all, do you…?”

Daichi’s shoulders tensed.

“I’m really struggling…” Megumi almost whimpered, “I sacrificed not only my lover but also my best friend. I lost friends because of this, Daichi,” her tone grew snide and biting for just a moment before fading away again, “I—I shouldn’t be telling you this…because it’ll just make things harder for myself and _possibly_ you…but I miss you so much, Dai.”

“ _You_ did this.” Daichi snarled. “ _You_ brought this on yourself, no one else. Stop expecting me to comfort you or try to fix this when _you_ broke it. _You broke me.”_

“I—”

“Being apart from you was the best thing that happened to me. I realise now that we were toxic. You were abusive, manipulative—like hell am I gonna lose anymore tears over you!”

Sugawara felt his heart stop.

Abusive.

Manipulative.

Abusive fiancée…

It wasn’t Daichi’s friend who had the abusive fiancée.

It was Daichi.

“Alright, harsh but fair,” and just like that her tone flatlined, “if you believe we were toxic, as did I.”

_What?_

“I’ve gone forty-eight hours without real food or sleep; desperately wanting to gain the courage to come here and speak to you about what happened and try to fix things, the stress of that caused me to have near constant panic attacks. But that’s on me, not you.”

She didn’t make any sense.

Even Sugawara couldn’t work out what that tone of voice was.

She was just…

Right until the end.

_Abusive._

“ _I hate you_.” Daichi hissed, quieter than his previous voice. Sugawara could hear just how hard it was for him to say it.

She was abusive.

She hurt Daichi.

That’s what Fumiko and Mamoru had meant.

Suddenly Daichi’s behaviour made sense.

But then—

His rejection of anything remotely intimate.

Even sexual jokes.

The prude joke.

_No…_

She didn’t.

Sugawara was beginning to believe she probably did.

“Daichi!” He emerged from his hiding place, waving to the other man when he turned. “I’ll be right down!”

He’d never descended those stairs faster in his life.

His hand skimmed the handrails and he took the stairs two at a time, jumping the final five steps and skipping over.

“Did I keep you waiting long?”

“H—Hey Suga, no, not at all.”

Sugawara met Megumi’s gaze, sternly passing her a warning glance.

“Sugawara Koushi, curator of the bug house and creator of the butterfly house.” _Your worst nightmare._ “Pleasure to meet you.” He ground out, offering his hand to shake.

If there was anything he’d learned; firm handshakes meant business.

“Suzuki Megumi.” She took his hand and he immediately gripped tight.

_Your worst nightmare._

“Well, we gotta make a move, ready Daichi? We gotta get those flowers ASAP!”

“R—Ready.”

Sugawara couldn’t remove himself or the other man fast enough.

He gripped Daichi’s arm, linking him and almost tugging him towards the exits, peering over his shoulder at the woman left behind.

_Don’t test me._

His heart thundered behind his sternum as he led Daichi away.

Once they’d left the building Sugawara finally allowed himself to breathe.

How should he act?

Like he hadn’t just seen Daichi and his ex-fiancée duke it out in the museum atrium? An ex-fiancée who was very clearly abusive.

Or should he offer comfort?

Would Daichi want comfort?

“Suga—”

Oh, when had he started tugging Daichi so much?

He slowed, falling into step beside Daichi.

“Yeah?” He slipped his arms from Daichi’s.

“Don’t let go.”

Sugawara bit on his lip, quickly returning his grip to Daichi’s bicep. He ducked his head as they kept walking, it wasn’t the right direction for the botanical centre, but he didn’t care.

The silence was killing him slowly, he _had_ to know if Daichi was okay, “are you okay?”

A soft hum.

“Wanna give today a miss? We can always go to—”

“No!” Daichi cleared his throat, looking to the floor. “No, no, it’s okay. I want to come with you.”

“Are you sure?”

A nod.

“I don’t want to be alone right now.”

Sugawara smiled in a way he hoped would ease the other man’s anxiety, “you don’t have to worry about that, even if you just wanted to go home and watch naff movies, I’d come with you.”

He watched Daichi’s lips lift slightly, “I won’t let Megumi stop us from flower shopping a second time.”

Sugawara was jolted by the words; an electric shock to Daichi’s tone.

Even back then she’d been holding him back.

Sugawara gently began to steer Daichi in the direction of the botanical gardens, detouring along roads that weren’t the fastest route; not caring so long as Daichi felt secure.

              “So…that was Megumi, huh?” Sugawara exhaled, stopping at the curb side as they waited for a break in the traffic. “She’s pretty, I’ll give you that.” He felt Daichi tense through where their arms were connected. “But…I kinda saw your conversation, and—”

“How much?”

The lights changed, traffic stopping for them and Sugawara held onto Daichi as they crossed.

“Well, uhm, I saw the kiss.”

“So everything after that?”

Sugawara nodded, “I was coming to meet you anyway, I didn’t expect to see you there! And I definitely didn’t expect to see her either…” He swallowed around the lump in his throat as they kept walking towards the train station. “I had no idea she was, y’know, abusive…”

“She wasn’t— She—”

“Don’t try to defend her Daichi, the fact she was abusive doesn’t make you weak.” Sugawara spoke firmly, but soft as he squeezed Daichi’s bicep reassuringly. “You don’t need to pretend around me anymore, and…I’ll make sure to be careful about the jokes I make and the things I do; at least until you’re comfortable.”

He watched Daichi’s features, brows furrowed in thought, eyes seeming glossy, his lack of response caused Sugawara worry.

They walked past the publishing house, Papillion Books, Sugawara looking up at the old stone building and smiled.

“Y’know, when your first book came out, I would walk past here every single day to hopefully catch a glimpse of you.” Sugawara smirked, meeting Daichi’s curious gaze. “Turns out you were right in front of me all along.”

“You did?” Daichi scoffed and Sugawara disliked how it sounded hollow; self-depreciating, the other man looked away, towards the traffic moving past them. “You shouldn’t have bothered, I’m nothing special.”

“Daichi…”

“What? It’s true,” Daichi pulled away from Sugawara’s grasp, walking ahead of him and turning to face him, “look at me,” he spread his arms wide, motioning to himself, as he continued to step backward, “I’m nothing special, look at me!”

“I am.” Sugawara picked up his pace to catch up with Daichi. “I am looking at you, I can see you, and you know what I see?” He gripped Daichi’s hand in his own, lacing their fingers together. “I see a man who travelled from his family and went to university in a big, scary city, graduated and published a book. Not one, but two international best sellers by the age of twenty-seven!” He swung their arms between them as he spoke confidently.

He wanted Daichi to see what he did.

All of it.

“You don’t come across as someone who was abused; you’re so well put together and have an amazing group of friends who’ve supported you through everything. Megumi tried to stop you from making your dreams come true, and it might not feel like it right now, but you haven’t let her.” Sugawara continued to ramble, on and on, wishing more than anything that he could make Daichi see just how amazing he was. “You’re strong, Daichi, give yourself a little more credit… Instead of asking me to look at you, you should take a look yourself through the eyes of those who love you. Love yourself a little.”

“I’m afraid I forgot how to do that.”

“Then I’ll just have to remind you,” Sugawara felt the hand entwined with his tighten, “we all will.”

“There’s still a lot I want to tell you.”

Sugawara smiled, “and when you’re ready I’ll be ready to listen.”

“Thank you.”

Their hands didn’t separate, instead their grip on one another only grew.

“And of course I’d watch for you,” they continued walking passed the train station, towards the botanical centre on the dockside, “you were an author born and raised in this area and you quickly became my favourite. But I had no idea what you looked like, you didn’t do signings back then so I couldn’t even tag along to meet you. Noya would tell me when you were on air— _wait_ , does Noya know?”

“He found out by accident at Kuroo’s party,” Daichi half-smiled, “he’d interviewed me as Kenta, and then Kenta showed up to his friend’s party as Daichi.”

Sugawara snickered, “and I guess what your family said about wanting to see your name in book shops makes a bit more sense now, and what Etsuko meant by you and Kenta being joined at the hip; almost the same person at times, too.”

“Yeah…” Daichi’s voice was quiet as they crossed over a quiet side street, “I’m sorry I never told you, I was…afraid,” he admitted to the floor, “I only ever wrote under the pseudonym because of Megumi. She told me so many things; so many lies, I didn’t want to be a writer if it meant I hurt her. But my mind wouldn’t let me stop; so I tried to create Ishimoto Kenta as a way to keep myself how she wanted me to be versus…who I _wanted_ to be.”

“Ugh, I hate her.” Sugawara spat. “You shouldn’t have to hide your talent!”

He watched Daichi’s lips quirk up, “I’m not going to anymore,” a pause; hesitation, “and I hate her too.”

“Well let’s forget all about her now! We’ll have a nice day flower shopping instead!”

“Sounds like a plan.” Daichi smiled.

They rounded a street corner they arrived at the botanical gardens, a large warehouse and then an even larger greenhouse, Sugawara pushed through the front doors and into the warehouse, immediately being stifled by the heat and humidity.

“Oh man, my hair is gonna be an absolute _show.”_ Sugawara complained, although the sour mood didn’t last long.

He could see his prize.

“Daichi!” He called, rushing over to the garden pruning section of the warehouse, he searched for the item he needed, he picked the pair of cutters out from their holder, turning to Daichi. “I hold her down and you cut her hair?” He grinned, swinging the shears around.

Daichi took them from his hand and put them back, continuing towards the greenhouse entrance, “no.”

“Okay, _you_ hold her down, _I’ll_ do the cutting.”

He turned back to Sugawara “definitely not.”

Sugawara pouted, following after him, “fineee.”

They left the gardening material behind, opting instead to enter the greenhouse where plants flourished despite the frigid weather outside.

His hair was going to be _wrecked_ in the humidity.

Sugawara watched as Daichi moved in and out of crates and aisles, finally settling on a bland-looking plant.

Oh, he was wearing the crab keychain.

Sugawara grinned, watching the satchel twisted against Daichi’s lower back, the small red crab standing out against charcoal grey, his heart fluttered with glee.

“I love your keychain.” He smirked, walking over to him and showing off his backpack. “Looks just like mine.”

Daichi stood and smiled, “snap.” He then thumbed the plant’s leaves, “What about this one?”

“What about it?” Sugawara asked, looking at the plant, “I need one with a strong leaf system for eggs and caterpillars, or ones with ample nectar producing flowers, although preferably both.”

“They’re buddleia, they don’t have strong leaves but they do have the nickname _butterfly bushes_ for a reason.”

“Oh?”

Perhaps picking flowers wouldn’t just be fun with Daichi. Sugawara was no botanist…but Daichi had worked with plants for years.

“Hey, Daichi, what else would you recommend?”

“Uh,” Daichi looked around, pausing when something caught his eye, “this.” They approached a plant with thick leaves, “good leaf support system…”

Sugawara found himself getting lost in the wonder and amazement of Daichi’s knowledge.

 

* * *

 

 

They left the botanical centre arm in arm, Sugawara eyeing the receipt in his hands.

“So they’re gonna deliver it tomorrow?” Daichi asked, Sugawara looked up at him as he folded it away and slipped it into his shirt breast pocket.

Sugawara hummed in confirmation, “yeah, tomorrow and to the museum.”

They walked to the dockside, wandering with no real destination in mind. Daichi was glad for the lull, away from the city bustle.

The sky was darker now, limitless sunlight now only occasionally emerging through a thickening cloud layer as it dipped lower in the sky. Along the promenade they walked, Sugawara climbing up onto the sea wall and with arms outstretched he skipped and danced along the concrete structure. The wind whipped his hair around his face and Daichi watched Sugawara’s cheeks swell as he grinned.

Daichi looked up at him, watching him with intrigue in his eyes as Sugawara turned on the balls of his feet, walking backwards.

“Wanna go get something to eat?”

He wanted to say yes.

He _really_ wanted to say yes.

His stomach was saying yes; angrily protesting how he’d dropped the food earlier in his haste to…embrace Megumi.

He bit the inside of his lip until he could taste copper.

“I can’t.” He admitted instead.

“You can’t?”

“I just…” He was clenching his fists, tugging on the fabric of his pants. “I feel too restless, I’m kinda…afraid? I don’t want to bump into her again.”

“Oh…” Sugawara looked down at his feet, and then over to the harbour, his eyes locked onto the ship moored at the dockside. “I know! Follow me!” He jumped down from the sea wall, gripping Daichi’s hand and sprinting to the boat.

“Uh, Suga? What are we doing?”

“Going for a meal!”

“Suga, I said—”

“Can’t run into her if we’re not on land!”

Daichi gripped his hand tighter and broke into a sprint too, running alongside Sugawara, “on _that?”_

“What do you mean _, that?_ ” Sugawara snorted, slowing to a fast walk. “This is one of the harbour cruise ferries! I came on them as a kid and the food was great! Plus we’ll be on the water so safe from Megumi, everyone knows witches melt when they touch water.”

Daichi looked up at the ferry, shaped like a tugboat but also painted black and white. Red cursive heralding the ship’s name. _Royal Daffodil._

“You know…daffodils always remind me of home.” Daichi spoke softly as they approached the ticket office.

“They do?” Sugawara asked, looking up at Daichi with intrigue as he paid for the tickets. “How come?”

“They’re, like, literally _everywhere_ back home. They just grow all over the place,” he smiled, “they also have a special meaning where I’m from.”

“Oh?” Sugawara linked his arms through Daichi’s as they walked back towards the ferry terminal, the pair walking over to a wooden bench and sitting down to wait for the access ramp onto the ferry to be lowered. “So, what’s this tradition?” He leant back in his seat.

Daichi hummed softly, “every building in the village has two daffodils in the stonework.”

“Wait, wait, hold up,” Sugawara turned on his seat to look at Daichi, “like, _real daffodils?”_

“No,” Daichi laughed, leaning back against the wooden backrest, “daffodil stones.”

Sugawara pursed his lips and one eyebrow raised in question, if Daichi thought that his explanation – if it could’ve been called that – had cleared up his confusion then he’d be wrong, “daffodil stones…what are they?”

“Daffodil stones are…” He watched Daichi try to find the right words. “They’re, just, they’re bricks! With daffodils carved into them. In the village daffodils mean creation and inspiration; the first brick of every building is engraved with a daffodil to signify the creation of something new,” Daichi explained, his eyes locked onto the bay in front of them, “the last brick is also marked with a daffodil to inspire the next creation.”

Sugawara was left speechless for a moment, looking at the other man with a rush of fondness in his chest, “I love traditions like that…next time show me.”

“I will.” Daichi smiled, looking at Sugawara. “There’s also a whole legend around it; if that interests you too.”

“Omg spill, I wanna know the legend.”

Sugawara just wanted to see more of that sparkle in Daichi’s eye as he spoke of his home, the joy on his face as he told his stories.

“Okay, well,” he, too, turned on the bench to direct his speech to Sugawara, “it’s to serve as a reminder that spring will always come.” He gestured with his hands, speaking through them.

“Because they’re a spring flower?”

“You know that blizzard that moved our train journey forward?” Daichi asked.

Sugawara nodding as he remembered the murky, low hanging shroud of cloud, snow being blown in a flurry upon the mountainside. He could remember just how worried he’d been upon learning that Daichi’s family would soon be taken into the unrelenting weather and be buried under white, “yes…”

“That wasn’t the first and it also won’t be the last,” Daichi said, his voice was soft and he stretched, his arms leaning on the back of the bench, “we can have snow on the ground until April in some really rough years. That’s where the legend comes from; a winter that lasted a year and a half because of lost love.”

“As in…someone died?”

Daichi hummed quietly, rolling his hand, “kinda? People did die, but the true death…was the love. The love died. The oldest part of the village is the old well and spring, there’s a few houses around there that are the original settlements; almost three hundred years old. But before that? There was another village; the village the legend takes place in.”

Sugawara listened, enraptured by the other man and his story-telling and his body language as he did so…like he was truly happy.

“The chieftain of the village sired a son called October.”

Sugawara felt his stomach lurch.

_October._

The same October that was mentioned when he’d stayed at Daichi’s family home?

The same October Daichi’s family had compared Megumi to?

“He was an…adventurous sort, always out looking for trouble and always finding it. He also enjoyed wandering far from the village, despite his father’s dismay and protests. One day October met a young woman called April, she came from a village further down the mountain; one that over its existence grew to become the city we know today.” Daichi’s hands settled into his lap, fingers wringing together to stave off the cold. “They fell deeply in love…at least, that’s what October told her.”

“I’m already disliking this October guy, _a lot._ ” Sugawara could imagine the pair, October with black as night hair, forming in waves around his softly olive features and green-hazel eyes, and April, chocolate brown eyes framed by equally chocolate brown hair, on tanned skin that shone with the sunlight and gave rise to sun-kissed freckles spattering her face.

“They both had their duties,” Daichi said, looking to the cold January sky as a cloud of breath misted the air above them, “so they compromised. April spent spring and summer in the mountains with October, then the cold weather would return and she would flee, taking October with her until the coming spring. But of course, not all love stories go to plan…their parents grew old, they died; suddenly April and October had separate duties and no time to see one another.”

Like Daichi’s deadlines…

“Why didn’t they just join the villages?” Sugawara whispered, looking to Daichi. He clung to his jacket, arms around his middle.

“They were both stubborn; not willing to leave her comfortable warmth during the winter months, not willing to leave his father’s burial site and the settlement he established behind…and this is where the love began to sour.”

Here it was…

He was about to learn just why Megumi had been compared to the man heralding the name October.

“April remained loyal to October, delved into her work in hope that one day they could meet again, she established a council and had them share her workload…October, on the other hand, claimed many wives; created a harem and quickly moved on from what he’d called true love.”

Oh.

That’s what they meant.

Sugawara’s heart ached; sadness and anger making him rub at his sternum.

“And when the day came for them to meet again? April arrived like she always did; the month of April. Desperate to see her love once more she made her way to his home, but October didn’t welcome her like he had in the past. Rather, he accused her of the very thing he’d done in front of his court and in front of his harem—”

They were startled from their story by the sound of the ramp finally being lowered, both shifting in their seats as Sugawara willed his heart to slow down.

Had he really been so absorbed into Daichi’s story?

He was a natural story-teller…

He turned back to Daichi, “what happened?”

“She cursed him, cursed the village; sunlight would never come to melt the snow, spring would never come to end dark winters so long as October lived. With her curse came the promise that she, too, would never return so long as there was breath in October’s body.”

“Attagirl! You go April!”

Daichi smiled as he stood, offering Sugawara his hand to help the other man stand, Sugawara took it gratefully. They walked to the boat together.

“October jeered at her, laughed in her face as she swore to the sky. Until it was still snowing in May, he stopped laughing then. Next the lakes were still just as frozen as they would’ve been in the harshest of winters; in July. Harvest came and there was nothing, the land was barren, livestock starving, by September the animals had perished, famine struck the village and people began to succumb to the cold and to starvation.”

Sugawara was once again enthralled, watching their feet as they trekked up the vessel’s ramp, “man, April wasn’t messing around.”

“October came, and the people revolted. October was killed for bringing the curse upon the village. And upon hearing the news April returned, just as promised.” Daichi looked to Sugawara, Sugawara meeting his gaze. “She brought with her seven bulbs…she gifted them to the eldest children of seven families and she promised if they could make the flowers bloom then spring would come. The bulbs were planted by the children, sheltered by the hearths in their homes. By the end of March there were shoots, and within a week there were brilliantly yellow flowers; the first of April. With it came the sunlight for the first time in almost a year and a half.”

Sugawara exhaled, listening to the story as the deck began to crowd just a little bit more, he steered them to the cabin he remembered had the café in.

“The families were hailed as heroes, they formed a council and re-established their village; the one that’s there today. Even now, whenever we select new council members the old gift their successors with a daffodil bulb, and we have a festival on the second of April every year.”

“Wow…you do?” Sugawara was at a loss for anything else to say.

“Yeah…each year we hold a festival to herald the beginning of Spring,” Daichi suddenly went quiet, “would you, um, like to come with me and Oikawa?”

“Omg really? Yes!” Sugawara cheered, pushing on the cabin door and finding everything exactly what he _didn’t_ remember it to be, an empty husk of a room with a few seats and tables, a confectionary stand in the centre. “Where…where’s the café?”

Daichi’s silence dissolved into snickering laughter.

“I’m so sorry, Daichi, I was certain there’d be a café,” Sugawara hid his face within his hands, cheeks aflame, “c—can I interest you in a S—Starbar?”

Daichi’s laughter only grew.

Sugawara never wanted it to end.

He watched the other man approach the confectionary stand, “two Starbars and two Sprites, thanks.”

Sugawara skipped to his side, withdrawing money from his pocket.

“I’m paying.”

It startled the cashier, the young man looking between them.

“Don’t listen to him, I am,” Daichi argued, “I’m paying.”

“No you’re—” Sugawara moved quickly to slam his payment onto the desk.

Daichi slapped his money down first, grinning triumphantly; making Sugawara’s heart flutter in his chest.

“Sorry dude, looks like this guy was _juuuust_ a little bit faster.”

A smirk.

Sugawara pouted and took his chocolate bar and drink from Daichi’s waiting hand.

“You cheated.” He muttered as they left the cabin and made their way back onto the deck.

Daichi laughed, “how could I cheat?”

They approached the guardrail, Daichi leaning on the metal on his forearms, Sugawara unwrapping the Starbar in his hands.

“I dunno, you just did!” He said, taking a large bite, as if to prove a point.

Daichi snickered, breaking the seal on his bottle and taking a sip, “I think you’re a sore loser.”

“I hate losing.”

“So do I.”

“Well you better get used to losing, boy.” Sugawara jeered light-heartedly.

Daichi hummed, taking another swig of his drink before letting the bottle hang limply over the side of the rail through his fingers, “fat chance.”

His voice shook with the proclamation.

They fell into silence and Sugawara pursed his lips, resting his hand on Daichi’s forearm, fingers moving idly.

Still no comment from the other man.

It concerned Sugawara just as much as it lulled him into a peaceful silence.

Finally, “thank you.”

He coughed and sputtered on his mouthful of lemonade, swallowing and grimacing at the feeling of bubbles in his nose. He looked at Daichi leaning on the guardrail, Daichi was looking at him with a soft smile.

Sugawara looked away from the gaze, jerking his head and hiding his face behind too short bangs, his body responding automatically and moving to brush it from his face – which felt all too hot – again.

He looked down to the waves breaking against the side of the vessel as it left port.

“Gee, don’t just do that,” he said, scratching at the back of his neck, his head still dipped, “what for?”

“Everything,” Daichi said simply, looking out to the harbour and the sun setting along the horizon, “absolutely everything.”

Sugawara could feel his features burn, “even glassing you?”

Daichi hummed, “even that—especially that.” It was only when Daichi playfully nudged Sugawara’s hip with his own that Sugawara realised just how close they were. “God…without that I might never have met you.”

Sugawara paused, looking out across the water sombrely.

Daichi was right.

“Scary…” He muttered.

“It’s taking time,” Daichi continued, “but I’m learning to love myself just a little, I’m rediscovering myself. Thanks to you I feel like I can let myself be happy again.”

“You’ve done all of that yourself, Daichi.” Sugawara tried to correct, how could he take credit for something Daichi was ultimately doing for himself?

“You showed me how.”

Sugawara couldn’t think of anything else he could say…

What could he say to that?

He wasn’t sure whether to be thankful when Daichi started speaking again, or whether to be saddened.

“I’ve only told one person.”

He sucked in a breath, looking towards the other man, “Daichi, you don’t—”

“I want to.” Daichi looked to the brine beneath them. “Oikawa’s the only person I told about Megumi…about what she did. I broke down the same day I met you in the museum; back in September. It all fell apart in June and it took that long to tell my closest friend, someone I consider a brother, why.”

Sugawara looked at the fading orange in the sky, “not even Makki and Mattsun?”

Daichi shook his head, “and you’re the first to _see_ it.”

Sugawara froze, looking at the other man leaning on the handrail, how he looked so relaxed, his posture slumped. But upon closer inspection Sugawara could see the tense muscles in Daichi’s shoulders and exhaustion etched into his features, down his neck…

His façade was almost perfect.

Almost.

“Daichi…”

Daichi scoffed, running his fingers through his hair. It was longer now, longer than when they’d first met; just long enough for Daichi to sport a bedhead and tufts that couldn’t be tamed some days, “Megumi really hurt me, I thought all this time I was blinded by love; I was really blinded by fear.”

“What do you mean…?” Sugawara asked quietly, almost too afraid to know the answer.

He watched the other man exhale, the sky clouding around them, “we were always a…volatile couple, we’d argue and bicker over the smallest thing the other did. We were both young, stubborn, and _always_ had to have the last say…But we’d hide that, we hid it all behind closed doors, our peers, our friends and even our families had bigged us up to be this perfect couple. We were caught in a lie, an illusion with about as much substance as a breeze…I felt trapped.”

Sugawara listened silently, watching the other man’s body language scream discomfort; anxiety almost visibly rolling from Daichi’s body.

But he didn’t stop.

“A year and a half after we’d started dating, I’d just finished my third year of university and so did she; I was doing Lit, she was in accounting. We both graduated and around that time I’d decided to try and get my first book published. It wasn’t _You And I,_ it wasn’t anything like that storyline it was a sci-fi action.” Daichi sighed. “But it was rejected, and that night she was the only one to tell me _I told you so_ , that I wasn’t ready; didn’t have the skills. There we were, sat on our couch in our apartment and all she did was push and prod and she poked, and I snapped. I hit her. B—But it wasn’t a bad hit, there were no physical marks or lasting injury…I’m not sure it could be called a _hit,_ maybe a swipe?”

Sugawara could see Daichi’s panic, how his words grew faster, tripping over his words to explain himself, it broke his heart. “Daichi, you don’t have to explain that,” he reassured, his hand closing over Daichi’s, “I’d probably lash out too.”

“It was the biggest mistake of my life, Suga.”

“What do you—”

Daichi’s movement grew restless, hands wringing at one another as he spoke. “She used it against me, all the time. She _knew_ I’d been raised to respect women, to never hurt a woman, she also knew I regretted it more than anything I’ve ever done and the regret was immediate. She used all that against me,” Sugawara heard Daichi’s voice go quieter, his lips thinning as he pressed them together, the way he exhaled shakily, “she told me she’d tell everyone I was a woman beater, turn everyone against me. She played the hit out as worse than it actually was…made sure to…made sure to remind me every single day that I was lucky she loved me enough not to leave me.”

Daichi’s breath silently hiccupped and Sugawara was quick to offer comfort, squeezing Daichi’s forearm in support.

“I—” His voice was watery. “I lost my fight…I just…submitted,” he took a breath to steady himself, “it was better to bite my tongue than to step on her toes.”

“Daichi…”

“That’s when the abuse began.”

“What an absolute fucking bitch!” Sugawara finally snapped, gripping the handrail tightly in one hand and Daichi’s arm in the other, focused on the waves beneath them as he scowled down.

Daichi had gone through all of that?

Sugawara quickly decided that _no_ , that was probably only the tip of the iceberg. Daichi’s words ringing through his skull, _she put a limit on his creativity_.

The taste on his tongue was bitter, “so she put a limit on your creativity?”

A hum.

“How?”

“She didn’t want me to write, like, at all.” Daichi looked down, eyes heavy-lidded. “I tried everything to give her what she wanted, but I couldn’t stop writing. I thought… I thought that if I sat down with her and spoke to her about what she wanted in my stories then that would help things. If I took her into account then she wouldn’t mind if I’d write…”

“But she still did.”

A nod, “And by the time I found out that, changes or not, she wouldn’t read it at all…it was too late. _You and I_ was already on the shelves and I was halfway through _Collide.”_

“I’m sorry…”

Daichi shook his head, chin touching his chest, “I love the books now—well, it’s a love hate relationship, not gonna lie. But I’m thinking the third book will be the last.”

He pursed his lips, “was she ever physical?”

“D—Define _physical_.”

Daichi was gnawing on his lip until it began to bleed, Sugawara watched, able to feel the other man’s distress. “Like, y’know,” he flailed his hands, “ _physical_ , kicking, biting, hitting, choking, stuff that makes you physically hurt…physical assault!”

Daichi looked away, fidgeting, “nothing like that…”

Sugawara felt relief, a minor reprieve from Daichi’s suffering.

“She…not in the context of physical assault, anyway.”

Sugawara wished that his confusion wasn’t abated with the comment, he didn’t want to assume, but his blood ran cold at the thoughts taking up residence in his mind.

The look on Daichi’s face made him think his assumption was correct.

_Sexual assault._

The other man looked down in what Sugawara could only describe as shame.

He shouldn’t feel shame…

“Daichi, I—”

“That’s why— _one_ of the reasons why I’m afraid to fall in love again, eventually people want _that_ , and I don’t…I don’t know if I ever will be able to give them that…I can’t…I’m afraid.”

“Not everyone is like her, Daichi,” Sugawara pried his fingers in between Daichi’s, “one day there’ll be someone and they won’t care.” _I hope it’s me._

“I know…but the fear—”

“Fear’s a bit of a dick sometimes, Daichi, that’s why you gotta fuck it.”

Sugawara was surprised by the small laugh that passed Daichi’s lips, “is that why you’re fearless?” He turned to look at Sugawara, head tilted and his lips upturned, eyes smiling.

Sugawara felt his heart flutter, distracted just enough to almost forget to respond.

“Hey!” He replied with false scandal, resting his forehead against Daichi’s bicep as he, too, laughed, gripping the arm tightly. “I’ll have you know I’ve been mostly celibate since I met you.”

_“Mostly?”_ Daichi repeated with a smirk and a snicker.

“Eeeh, Heisuke doesn’t really count…” Daichi interrupted with a _sure_ and a scoff, “but my hand does.”

“OhmyGod, you’re disgusting.” Daichi laughed loudly.

“See, you say that as an insult,” Sugawara started, “but honestly? I’m just _so_ happy that you’re able to laugh at a dirty joke! Look at you!”

Sugawara was sure the latter was blushing.

“Yeah, well…you’re different.”

“In…a good way?”

He watched Daichi’s’ eyes widen and meet his own, “Suga…God, Suga, yes! You’re amazing…you really are, just, so amazing…” Daichi worried his lip again. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” He said, quieter.

Sugawara could feel his face burning, “yeah? Well…it takes a best thing ever to know a best thing ever.”

They settled into silence, a comfortable silence. Sugawara could feel the cold handrail beneath his fingers, coupled with the cold wind they quickly grew chilled, his hair begin whipped up despite the barely-there breeze.

He closed his eyes, listening to the people behind them as they moved and conversed, shoes on the deck and bags and coats rustling; the sound of the sea lapping against the ship, against itself as the waves collapsed; the birds overhead growing infrequent as the sky finally turned black.

Soft fairy lights illuminated the ship, yellow glow from cabin windows, and white wall lights paving the way along the deck, it was soothing…

He rested his head on Daichi’s bicep again, feeling the warmth of his coat and the wiry coarseness of the wool sticking into his skin, scratching at his chilled cheeks.

“I said I was afraid of falling in love again,” Daichi muttered, “doesn’t mean I already haven’t, though…”

Sugawara could hear his jittery tone, unable to decipher if it was from nervousness or the cold, “oh?” He asked, quiet and intrigued; almost too anxious to want to know the answer.

“Yeah,” Daichi seemed to lose confidence, “I—I mean, they’re someone really special to me…they wormed their way in even when I told them no, but I don’t mind. I like them being here, I like _him_ being here, even if he is vulgar sometimes, even…” Daichi took a breath, “even if he called my name during a hook up.”

Sugawara’s heart was pounding behind his ribcage, daring to look up just enough to see the swell of Daichi’s cheeks as he smiled, silhouetted against the gentle glow of the fairy lights, soft shadows painting his face.

“I’m still really afraid to love again, honestly I’m not sure if I’m ready to call what we have a relationship, it’s scary to even think that. But admitting all this feels so…stupid,” Daichi gripped the guardrail tightly, as if he was steeling himself for what was to come, “but I find myself wanting to try if it’s with you.”

His heart almost leapt from his chest as Sugawara released a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding.

He hadn’t expected any of this.

“—if you’ll still have me, that is.”

He was startled back into reality, looking at Daichi, “what the hell, Daichi?”

Daichi shrugged, almost nonchalant, but Sugawara could see the truth; the way he held himself, his confidence had finally waned and run out.

Megumi; opening up about the abuse; _confessing_.

He’d been so much more vocal than usual…

“Awfully bold of you to assume I still want you.” Sugawara watched Daichi’s panic-stricken features snap to look up at him. “But you’d assume correct, if you still want me, that is.” Sugawara smirked as Daichi relaxed. “And you can relax with me; I’ve stuck to your pace so far, haven’t I? That won’t change, no matter what label our relationship has.”

Sugawara felt as if his breath was stolen from him once more as Daichi smiled widely, “I know,” and his arm wrapped around Sugawara’s middle, pulling him close to his side, “I know…thank you.”

He could see the port once again as the ferry headed back to the landing, but it didn’t matter as he rested into Daichi’s hold. Sugawara felt the urge to push Daichi’s boundaries _just a little bit_ , pulling his phone from his pocket and typing a message to Daichi, able to see the other man’s curiosity at what he was doing while trying hard not to read over his shoulder.

He succeeded, sneakily sending the message and tucking his phone back into his pocket.

“Hey, Daichi, what’s the time?”

“Suga, are you—you _just_ had your phone out.”

“So? Now I don’t.” Sugawara grinned.

“We’re about to go past the clock tower, right?”

“Yeah, but I wanna know the time _now_ , not in, like, thirty seconds.”

“Why not wait thirty seconds, see the time on the clock tower, then take away thirty seconds and get the exact time you have now.”

“Goddammit, Daichi, check your phone.”

Daichi smiled but Sugawara could hear his smile, he removed his phone from his pocket and watched the screen light up.

_[[Suga: <3]]_

_[[Megumi: come to the atrium]]_

Sugawara’s blood froze when he saw it, his heart simultaneously kicking into overdrive as Daichi’s arm reared back.

“Daichi—!”

He launched the phone out into the harbour.

Sugawara’s mouth fell open.

Had he really just—

“Is my love that bad?” He couldn’t help but remark with a smirk.

Daichi had just _thrown his phone into the harbour._

“Hey, uh, I need a new phone that my ex can’t contact, shopping mates date tomorrow?”

Sugawara began laughing, belting out a loud amusement at Daichi’s actions, at how he leant on the safety rail and trying to act suave and put together.

“I mean, you coulda just bought a new SIM but sure.”

But seconds later Daichi face fell and his hands covered his face, “I just threw my phone into the harbour.”

Sugawara’s laughter only grew into a howl as he wrapped his arms around his waist and guffawed, “it’s okay, we have our shopping mates date tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments <3 I hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	14. Public Outing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It was Megumi!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood music:  
> [Rain by BTS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ul7iBp_rbE)  
> [Crossfire by Stephen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eH4F1Tdb040)  
> [21st Century Girls by BTS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uRgSMCph6M)

Daichi battled with his umbrella and put it down, shaking it off as he walked into the library. The smell of coffee and cakes was undeniable as he entered the main room, a café to his immediate left, rows upon rows of self-help and public directories spread out across the ground floor, a children’s section to his right. He knew that Bokuto often came here to read stories to the children, filling them with wonder and awe at his vibrant storytelling.

Daichi smiled at the thought, wondering if he should try and volunteer his time to do the same thing. He’d always loved children, hoping that one day he and Megumi could’ve started a family together, although it had been painfully obvious she didn’t want such a thing with him. He’d even been thinking about going into teaching if his second attempt at getting published failed.

He’d always felt at home in the library, making his way to the escalator and heading up to the first floor. He looked over the side and then up into the dome that left him dizzy; mechanical walkways and staircases crisscrossing the oval skylight and the daylight it brought with it, bright spotlights creating an almost alien atmosphere, sci-fi and futuristic, yet in just thirty seconds he’d be transported back in time.

Sugawara had agreed to meet him here, in the Picton room to be precise, after the flowers had been safely delivered next door to the museum, then they could go on their pre-arranged shopping date. So Daichi had arrived early, wanting to do some research for his next novel.

He checked his watch; just after midday.

The escalator reached the first floor and Daichi stepped off, shoes silenced by worn royal blue carpet as he made his way to the Picton room, taking in the untouched Edwardian Imperial splendour as he went.

The Picton room was completely circular, bookshelves spanning three floors around the area of the room, the tops of the shelves kissing the beginnings of the dome roof. Tables were strategically placed to only further expand the patterns of the bookshelves that entered the main floor space like wheel spindles. The lights were globes, the original round fittings lovingly restored with black iron work to support them. A large central pillar stood freely in the centre of the room, adorned with a domed up-light, like a flower with petals splayed outwards.

His writer’s heart leapt with joy at the sheer volume of books, somersaulted with joy at the old oak and red timber, iron fittings and fixtures painted black and gold.

He made his way up to the first-floor gallery on black-painted metal stairs, a spiral staircase not unlike the one Sugawara had in his apartment, only these worn the wear from hundreds of thousands of pairs of shoes over the course of over a century, the iron and copper stairs turning turquoise in some places where black paint had faded. The explosive teal set itself apart from the black stairs and their gold painted safety rails.

He climbed skyward, the room so quiet all he could hear was the rain on the skylight of the domed roof, droplets racing one another down the glass and the sound of book pages being turned, the latter reminding him of his task.

Daichi smiled and turned to the shelf to his right, reading the writing on the spine of each book carefully, fingers skimming along worn hardbacks with utmost care.

He always remembered Etsuko’s words whenever he was handling books; new or old, it didn’t matter.

_Books were treasures._

Daichi sighed in contentment, a flash of silver catching his attention and making him gaze downward, finding himself disappointed when instead of who he’d hoped to see he found an older man with greying hair, ponytail secured to the nape of his neck as he, too, skimmed through the shelves on the lower level.

Daichi almost pouted, looking to the door with another flash of silver catching his eye, seeing Sugawara entering the Picton room.

Feeling playful he remained on the first floor, watching the other man stare in awe of his surroundings.

He wanted to call out to him.

Rush down to meet him.

 _Anything_ that meant he could see him sooner.

But he also _really_ wanted to watch Sugawara’s next movements, to see if he noticed him.

Daichi followed Sugawara around the room, Sugawara walking clockwise and Daichi walking anticlockwise, like a dance between them and the Picton room, spellbinding in its beauty and captivating Sugawara in much the same way it had himself.

He smiled, waiting for the other man to look up and notice his presence, continuing to weave his way through the stacks of books and shelves as Sugawara did the same through tables and shelves.

He couldn’t blame the man for being enthralled by the history steeped room, information stacked high on pillars of richly toned timber.

Sugawara disappeared under the first floor and Daichi twisted to look down the other side of the balcony that revealed the floor beneath his feet, watching, waiting.

Finally.

He rummaged in his pocket, finding an unopened packet of tissues and dropping the small sleeve from the balcony, snickering when it bounced off Sugawara’s head.

Finally.

“Hey—"

Finally copper eyes met his, darker in the cold January rain, but warmer than a well fuelled fire.

Alive.

Yet, something wasn’t right with Sugawara’s expression.

“Daichi!” Sugawara stage whispered, the troubled expression disappearing as his face lit up upon seeing Daichi above him.

“Hey, Suga,” Daichi returned, watching Sugawara climb the spiral staircase to join him on the narrow walkways, “flowers arrive?”

Sugawara hummed, “they arrived a little while ago, I wanted to come and do some research on a few things, but I couldn’t find what I was looking for so I came here to ease my sorrows.”

Daichi smiled sympathetically, “sorrows eased?”

“Yeah…now I’ve seen you.” And Sugawara quickly brought his lips to Daichi’s cheek.

Daichi could feel his face burning at the attention from the other man, “is it anything I can help you with?”

“Huh?”

“What you’re looking for, I’ve spent years in this library, I know where everything is kept.”

“I don’t think it’s anything you can do,” he half smiled, but it lacked its usual vibrancy, “what are you doing here?”

“Same as you, research; for book three.”

“Oooh, wanna stay a little longer then?”

“If that’s okay, yeah,” Daichi smiled, his face feeling warm at just Sugawara’s simple question, he’d never had that before, “no spoilers, though.”

“Aw damn, and here I was hoping to get all the inside goss’ on your story.”

“You’ve already read the first page.”

“One page isn’t enough to quench my thirst, Daichi.”

“Apparently nothing ever is.” Daichi smirked, feeling wholly satisfied by the way he left Sugawara speechless while simultaneously _hating_ how the playful jibe left his skin crawling. He was quick to retreat to the shelves from the situation, Sugawara’s bewildered and amused expression, all of it.

“Methinks you’ve been hiding a dark streak, Sawamura Daichi,” Sugawara was grinning back as he followed after him, “but I also _live_ for this new confidence, so please don’t stop.”

Daichi pulled at a book, “you like it?” He paused, leaving the book balancing between his fingers and the edge of the shelf, Daichi’s hand being the only thing to stop it succumbing to gravity. He didn’t understand; even jokes about his intimate life made him feel uncomfortable.

“Yeah, well, I love dirty jokes. So if I tell them I wanna at least be able to take as good as I give, y’know?” Sugawara reasoned, looking at Daichi. “But I love it when you do it because it means you’re comfortable with me.”

 _Oh_.

Daichi smiled.

“I said so yesterday, you’re different.” He looked at the book in his hands, deciding it wasn’t the book for him and returning it to its place.

Sugawara stood beside him, also looking through the books on offer with a curious pout.

Adorable.

Daichi found himself staring at how Sugawara bit the inside of his cheek as he read the titles, picking out a book and opening the first page, a furrow of concentration marring his brow as he undoubtedly focused intently on the words.

Really, _really_ adorable.

He threw caution to the wind.

“Suga.”

Daichi waited until Sugawara looked up from the yellow-edged pages, “ye—”

He closed the distance between them, pulling the book his fingers had settled on from its place and using it to shield them from the rest of the Picton room occupiers as he kissed away the purse to Sugawara’s lips.

A barely-there caress against plump flesh that was over as soon as it’d started.

But Daichi couldn’t deny how he really liked how flushed Sugawara’s features had become by the time he’d pulled away.

“Oh.” Was all Sugawara could respond with.

He really was adorable, and Daichi couldn’t hide away his smile; he’d made him act that way.

Him.

Nobody else.

_Him._

Sugawara’s face was flushed, a whirlwind with usually too much to say was left speechless, and it was because of him.

But he found that even now, his mind worked against him. Out of his control he found his mind berating his choice. The epitome of his selfishness and Sugawara’s selflessness.

Kissing him without permission…

And it wasn’t even the first time.

A hand fisted in the front of his jumper and he found himself at the mercy of Sugawara’s lips again. He was glad he hadn’t lowered the book from its place as their lips slid together.

“Don’t think you can play dirty like that, Dai.” Sugawara hummed to his lips before bringing them together again in an almost bruising kiss.

His heart raced, unsure how to process the development as he closed his eyes. Sugawara’s lips worked his own and his teeth were quick to bite his lip, but unlike last time it didn’t end there; Sugawara laved over the bite with his tongue, teasing the seam of Daichi’s lips before pulling away.

Daichi wondered if his pulse was loud enough for the other library users to notice, a warm haze slowing down his perception of the world around him.

“Hey, Daichi, what’s book three about?”

Daichi looked at Sugawara, dumbfounded until the question registered in his mind, then he smirked, “nice try.”

“Dammit!”

He snickered at Sugawara’s frustrations.

Megumi had never shown the kind of interest Sugawara did, nor did she show Sugawara’s level of earlier consideration and current enthusiasm.

He was also quickly realising that it was fun to have someone show the amount of interest Sugawara showed, asking in hopes of tripping him up, purposefully trying to make him lower his guard to get him to spill the details…it was new, but he was finding that he didn’t mind.

“Hey, Suga,” the other man looked back with a hopeful gleam in his eyes, “I added a password to the document, you’ll never see it before it gets published.”

He watched Sugawara’s posture slump and his lips purse again as he turned his nose up at Daichi’s proclamation and harrumphed.

Daichi concealed his amusement behind his fist, turning back to the bookshelf and returning to his previous mission, to find the book he needed; a book that was quickly being forgotten about in favour of teasing the other man.

Daichi thought the moment was over and he settled into his usual quiet self, they fell into silence.

“I’m sorry about kissing you without permission, Daichi,” Sugawara suddenly blurted out, “I kinda…got caught up in the moment.”

“It…it’s okay.”

Was it?

Yeah.

It was.

“No, I mean it, I’m sorry if I pushed you, I—”

“I mean it too,” he rested his hand on Sugawara’s shoulder, “it’s okay.”

It was then that he remembered what Sugawara had said almost two months ago, his favourite character…

“Hey, Suga.”

“I’m not falling for that again.”

Daichi half laughed behind his fist, his heart began to pick up its pace again, was he ready to admit it out loud?

“No, I mean I have a question.”

If he didn’t now…when would he?

“Oh, go ahead then.”

“Your favourite character,” Daichi began, “is it Yuuna?”

He watched slight confusion flash across Sugawara’s features, then his eyes widened.

This was a bad idea.

“Omg you found my blog?”

“Yeah—” Daichi paused, wait, what? “No! I mean, you have a blog?”

“A—A little one, yes, and yeah…Yuuna is my favourite.” Sugawara played with his fingernails, picking at them. “I kinda…I felt like I could relate to her.”

His mind was screaming at him not to tell him.

Run.

_Run._

“Ugh,” Sugawara must’ve misread Daichi’s silence, “I’m sorry, that probably sounds really stupid, huh?”

“N—No,” Daichi allowed his mind a moment to catch up to their conversation, “it doesn’t, uhm, it…it means I did a good job, I guess.”

Run.

_Run._

“Yuuna was based off someone.”

“Please don’t tell me it was Megumi, I’ve been worrying about that since I found out the truth, God, please don’t let it be Megumi—”

“No! No, _no,_ ” Daichi looked down, “I kinda used to hate myself for not basing her off Megumi…but whenever I tried to write it I’d grind to a halt and I had to just…write what I was wanting to write; something she wasn’t happy with.”

“Well fuck her too.”

“She’s based off you, what my drunken mind made up of you on that night we met.” Daichi found himself unable to stop. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you, I thought it was just the writer in me but now I know it’s so much more and I—”

“Stop.”

“Suga—”

“Stop.”

Daichi stopped.

“Are you okay?” He asked softly.

“I don’t know, I just…don’t believe…” Sugawara stopped and exhaled in a rush, looking at Daichi with one eyebrow raised _. “Me?”_

Daichi just nodded, letting his silence speak for itself, resting his hand on Sugawara’s upper back.

“You based her off me.”

Daichi hummed, speaking before he could think better of it, “book three delves more into her development and backstory.”

He felt Sugawara tense under his hand.

“I thought—”

“I said no spoilers, I’m not telling you everything I have planned. But book three will be her development, and… seeing as she’s based off you, I’d also like it if I could brainstorm with you sometime…”

“Daichi…”

“So _this_ is the famous Daichi.”

Daichi startled at the use of his name by an unfamiliar voice, spinning around as he heard Sugawara _squeak_ ; a fully-grown man _squeak_ as he, too, turned to face the newcomer.

Daichi was met by the sight of an aging man, possibly in his later fifties or early sixties, tall with long greying hair secured by a tie at the nape of his neck, and a well-groomed goatee and scruff.

He was sure that this was the man from earlier, the one that, at a glance, he’d mistaken for Sugawara.

Who—

“Heisuke.”

Oh.

_Of course._

Daichi was startled again by his sudden, flourishing pang of possessiveness.

 _This_ was Heisuke?

“Koushi,” Heisuke acknowledged, but he didn’t even spare the other man a second glance, instead his steel-blue eyes glued themselves to Daichi, “I’ve been meaning to speak to you.”

“Oh? Sugawara responded, Daichi feeling him move away from his side, taking a step forward. He watched Sugawara’s stance change, shoulders slackening as his hands sunk into the pockets of his chenille pumpkin-orange cardigan, cocking his hip as he stared up at Heisuke, the latter a similar height to Oikawa.

The tension between them was palpable.

Heisuke hummed, tone like honey, “about the other night.”

Daichi could tell the other man wasn’t happy by his presence.

But fuck that; he wasn’t leaving.

“Ah, yes,” Sugawara’s voice was sugary sweet but laced with cyanide, “going to apologise for your behaviour?”

Heisuke stepped forward, as did Sugawara in response. Time seemed to slow down as Heisuke’s hand raised, his fingertips caressed the side of Sugawara’s face, “I’m not the one who should be apologising,” he leant in close to Sugawara’s ear, “you said butterfly kisses would get me nowhere.”

“Neither am I,” Sugawara responded, his hand moving like a flash to grip Heisuke’s fingers tight and bending them backwards uncomfortably. Daichi watched the older man’s body shift and contort to try and relieve the pressure Sugawara was exerting on his hand, “I also told you to _stop.”_

“Suga—”

“You lost the moral high ground as soon as you didn’t.” Sugawara hissed, tone flat and filled with ice as he released Heisuke’s hand.

Heisuke recoiled and gripped his hand close to him fingers and thumb curled around his aching hand as he massaged his sore wrist joint.

Just watching the confrontation had Daichi’s heart racing, but the exchange of words left him almost shaking.

How could Sugawara just… fight it like that?

He found himself hoping that one day he could do the same.

Daichi could see the swell of Sugawara’s cheeks, was he seriously smiling?

“Anything else you wanna talk about?” He asked with a lilting tone.

Heisuke’s eyes narrowed as he looked down his nose at Sugawara, “actually, yes, about that author you like. Ishimoto Kenta. Have you heard the news?”

Daichi’s blood froze in his veins, he noticed Sugawara’s body tense too.

Shit.

He didn’t like where this was going.

“What news, Heisuke?” There was an urgency to Sugawara’s voice now.

“Oh? You didn’t know? I assumed you would, seeing how much of a fan you are.”

“Don’t shit with me, Heisuke!” Sugawara raised his voice, drawing attention to them as he moved forward, Daichi having no choice but to grab his bicep to hold him back from Heisuke. “Tell me what you mean.” Sugawara shrugged Daichi’s touch away.

Heisuke smirked, “he’s gay.”

Daichi’s heart stopped, stomach lurching and for a moment he was fearful he’d be sick.

_What?_

Suddenly Sugawara’s concerned eyes were on his, then directed back to Heisuke.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean there was an anonymous tip from someone claiming to be close to him. He’s gay.” Heisuke’s expression betrayed the fact that he knew what he was saying would aggravate Sugawara.

Little did he know it was also aggravating Daichi.

“Quit playing, Heisuke,” Daichi stepped forward, surprising himself with his sudden forwardness, “are there any more details?”

“If you want to know more then why not buy a paper, or tune into news stations or radios? It’s _everywhere._ And everyone has something to say about it.”

Sugawara suddenly turned to Daichi, “go!”

“But Suga—"

“Daichi, you go! Go now!”

Daichi bit back his refusal, shaking it off.

He had to go to Papillion.

But he didn’t want to leave Sugawara alone with Heisuke.

Finally, he relented.

“Okay.”

“I’ll catch up as soon as I can.”

Daichi nodded, turning on his heel and taking the spiral stairs down to the main floor of the Piction room.

He didn’t wait for the escalator to take him down, taking two mechanical steps at a time as he rushed to the exit.

Daichi didn’t waste time with his umbrella, instead he kicked his feet along the pavement as fast as he could with a stride as long as he could manage, past the gardens to his right, the library to his left.

Through lead-lined windows he could see a shock of silver hair, Sugawara undoubtedly weaving his magic on Heisuke.

Another sudden pang of possessiveness.

He ran past the art gallery and the fountain masterpiece outside, not waiting for the traffic lights to change before finding breaks in the oncoming vehicles and sprinting across.

He could already see the reporters descending down on Papillion and he forced himself to stop running.

Despite his urgency he didn’t want to arouse suspicion, opting instead to walk past the ever-growing group of men and women.

How could he get in?

He remembered from when he and Oikawa were both young, how they’d often create escape scenarios during rainy, writer’s block riddled days. His rejected novel had a similar scene; including an airlock entrance.

He looked around.

The loading bay.

Daichi turned the corner, his chest feeling heavy when he realised the bay had been closed; likely to stop any reporters with the same idea.

He cursed, catching the shutter lift just slightly and mocha brown eyes stared back at him.

“Sawa-chan!” Came the whisper.

“Oikawa, thank fuck.” The shutters opened enough for Oikawa to reach out and tug him inside. “I—”

“What on earth did you do to have someone out you? Were you sucking Suga-chan’s dick in public or something?” Oikawa closed the shutters again.

“It was Megumi!”

“Megumi?”

“Me and Suga bumped into her and she must’ve decided she wanted to cause trouble when I rejected her.”

“Wait _, you_ rejected _her?”_

“Yes.”

“Nice one, Sawa-chan!” Oikawa’s arms embraced him; he rested his head on the other man’s shoulder in an attempt to calm his racing heart.

“You know you’re gonna get into so much trouble, right?”

“I know….” Daichi sighed, pulling away. “That’s why it’s time for me to do some damage control.”

Oikawa grinned, following him as he exited the loading bay, “I like where this is going. But don’t think I’m not pissed about you ignoring my messages.”

“Sorry, my phone went for a swim,” Daichi paused at the door to the stairwell, “well, more like it went and drowned.”

_“What?”_

“I threw it in the harbour yesterday.” They raced the stairs two at a time, up to the second floor where Daichi would undoubtedly meet the faces of his employers; their angry faces.

A wash of cold fear settled over him, would he have to tell them about Megumi?

“Sawamura!”

He turned, seeing Ukai stalking over, “Ukai—”

“What the shit are you playing at?” An angry set of eyes bore into his own.

“Ukai, listen, I didn’t—”

“You better get in that room and explain yourself, Daichi.”

Daichi nodded, ducking his head and entering the room with Oikawa, Ukai hot on their heels.

He’d barely sat down before the onslaught began.

“What are you playing at, Sawamura?”

“Did you think that being our star writer would mean you could get away with something like this?”

“What are you doing bringing your personal life into your work in this way?”

Daichi held his tongue until each of his bosses had their say, palms flat on the desk as he tried to articulate his kaleidoscopic mind, he felt Oikawa’s hand on his and took a deep breath, standing from his seat.

“If I may interject,” he began, “I always bring my personal life to work; I rely on such experiences to write accurately. But my personal life? Since June it’s been _shit_ , I brought it with me like a burden everywhere I went. My fiancée left, after six years she just up and left,” he was done, “that _bitch,”_ so _, so_ done _,_ “has been nothing but a thorn in my side ever since. Did you know I received less than forty percent of my allocated profits from book one? Guess where the other sixty percent went! And yesterday? God fucking forbid I go and meet a male friend after rejecting her.”

“Sawa-chan…”

“She was toxic as fuck, she hurt me and even now she’s not happy with leaving me alone. But you know what? So what if I like the male friend I met in a _possibly_ romantic way, Yuuna’s been based off him since the beginning, so fuck me right? At least I’m ready to fix it, dammit!” He spat. “Sugawara was an explosion of colour when all I had was black and white, inspiration to keep your pockets lined with my success! So I’m going to fix what’s happened, truthfully and honestly.”

“Sawamura…” The tone was a warning.

“If you’re not happy then I’ll find a new company to line the pockets of, like it or not my _gayness_ is your biggest source of income. Funny how that works, isn’t it?” He stood to leave, stopping at the door. “I want all those people outside in the press room in an hour and a half. I’ll fix this.”

“Sawa-chan! Wait!” Oikawa loyally ran to his side as he vacated the room.

“Yeah?”

“How can I help?”

“I need a new phone.” Daichi said, heading inside his office.

“On it.”

 

* * *

 

 

Sugawara pumped his legs as fast as he could, running through the gardens and down the staircase, panting as he bolted along old stone pathways to reach the traffic lights.

He waited for them to change, using the time to catch his breath.

There was already a swarm of reporters at the doorstep of Papillion. Fuck, how was he going to get past them?

He bit his lip, crossing into the middle island and bumping into a body.

“Oh—sorry—” He began.

“Suga-chan!”

“Oikawa!” He huffed breathlessly. “Where’s—”

“In his office—”

“Awesome, I’m gonna—” Sugawara took off to run again, only this time Oikawa gripped his wrist.

“No, I need you to come with me.” He began tugging him towards the crossing.

“What? Why?”

“Because Sawa-chan needs a new phone and I need you to fill me in on how his old one ended up in the harbour.”

“Oh, funny story, that.” Sugawara took off after the other man, catching up to his pace.

Sugawara told the story as they went, and an hour later they had a new phone set up, making their way back to Papillion Books.

“What’s he gonna do?” Sugawara asked quietly.

“I don’t know,” Oikawa admitted, “he asked for the press to go to the press room so I assume he wants to do a press release.”

“On TV?”

“Looks like it—”

“That would be his first.”

“—it’ll be his first.”

The pair shared a glance as they walked through the streets and toward Papillion.

“Will he be okay?”

“I don’t know…he held his own in the meeting with our bosses, so I’d like to think so.” Oikawa paused, “oh! And he called Megumi a bitch in front of our six bosses.”

“He did?! Dammit!” Sugawara cursed with a pout. “I wanted his first curse towards her to be with me!”

Oikawa laughed to the sky, “I’ve been waiting for this since June, back off my dream.”

As they drew nearer, they looked on as the street was deadly silent. The crowd of reporters had already disappeared, undoubtedly inside, a room stuffed full and waiting for Ishimoto Kenta’s news… his final curtain call.

Sugawara found it sad, his lips pinched tight as they walked into the publishing house.

He wished he could enjoy the grandeur of the old building, but his nerves were shot.

He was anxious enough for both Daichi and himself.

“This way.” Oikawa pressed on, through the crowd of people in the hallway, heading up the stairs, Sugawara following, looking around. The chandelier that was hung from the ceiling above the staircase, golden wall sconces, and lavish, newly fitted carpets.

They headed up to a mahogany door, no nameplate like the others, not emblazoned with black lettering on a gold background.  

“Sawa-chan,” Oikawa rapped his knuckles on the surface, “can I come in?”

No answer.

Sugawara pushed past Oikawa, forcing the door open only to be greeted with an empty room.

“Daichi?”

The pair looked at one another, and then to down the stairs.

He was already in the conference.

“Shit.”

Sugawara took off first, running down the stairs and jumping from four steps up onto each landing, eventually reaching the bottom of the stairwell.

Oikawa was close behind.

They looked into the press room, a sea of cameras, flashing lights and various recording devices in what looked like hundreds of hands.

“This way!” Oikawa grabbed hold of Sugawara’s hand, tugging him through the throng of reporters and journalists, some of which undoubtedly broadcasting live.

Fuck.

This was huge.

The moved off to the left, a quieter area where Sugawara could see Daichi sat on the stage, a nervous, stuttering voice from a man with thick rimmed glasses and curly black hair welcoming him.

He stood.

Approaching the podium with what looked like hastily written notes.

A speech.

“Um, well, thank you for coming,” he started, voice full of nerves and Sugawara could _feel_ his anxiety, “I’m Ishimoto Kenta and…I want to address some news that broke this morning.”

A murmur broke out amongst the crowd, not-so-quiet voices speculating, a buzzing hum to the room of reporters.

“But also something much more than that.”

Sugawara froze, looking up at Daichi with his heart in his mouth.

“For years you have known me as Ishimoto Kenta, best-selling author in the fantasy genre,” Daichi’s voice trembled, “my passport would have different ideas,” his lids grew heavy as his eyes skimmed the page in front of him, “you all know me as Ishimoto Kenta, but first and foremost I’m Sawamura Daichi, and I’m in love with a man.”

Sugawara’s whole body thrummed with adrenaline, coursing through his veins at Daichi’s proclamation. Not just to him, but to the world.

He was in love with a man.

And he knew it was him.

“I met him in my third year of university and he was in his first, I drunkenly fake dated him for half an hour to help him get his things from his parent’s house,” Sugawara looked up to see Daichi looking at him, “we lost touch until a few months ago, when he gave me this scar,” he thumbed along the silver line on his forehead, “he glassed me at a bar after thinking I’d spilled my drink on him and it took us until Christmas to actually clear up the misunderstanding.”

Sugawara could feel Oikawa’s eyes on him and he sucked in a breath.

“I lied to him about my identity, and for that I’m truly sorry and I hope he can forgive me.”

His heart clenched.

Daichi’s tone suddenly changed, “and to the person who did this; we both know who you are. And I’m not afraid of you anymore. I won’t ruin your anonymity, you crave it so you can have it; you’ll trip yourself up in time,” his brows furrowed fiercely, “so fire your bullets all you want; you’ll get your comeuppance.”

And with that Daichi stood down from the podium, leaving the stage and walking over to Sugawara and Oikawa.

The blinding lights of camera flashes didn’t deter Sugawara as he ran towards Daichi, meeting him halfway in a bone crushing hug, practically hanging from his neck.

“I’m proud of you.” He whispered, closing his eyes and breathing in his aftershave as he buried his face into the crook of his neck.

“Thanks.” Daichi’s arms wrapped around him too, hand winding up into his hair at the back of his head. “I’m proud of me too.”

They finally parted and the trio were ushered from the room, up the stairs and into a different office this time. Sugawara watched as Daichi settled into a reclining swivel chair, bringing his hands up to his face.

“Sawa-chan we’re so proud of you!”

“Uh huh…” He pinched the bridge of his nose.

Sugawara stayed quiet as four well-dressed men and two women entered the room.

These were their bosses?

“Sawamura.”

* * *

 

 

The stage beneath him cut into the backs of his knees as he swung his legs, palms pressed against small stones that’d found themselves deposited on the wooden structure by people’s shoes.

What had he done?

He looked out to the empty press room, swallowing around the phantom sensation of choking.

He’d ruined everything.

He’d put Sugawara in danger now, thanks to his selfish actions the other man was a target for journalists, and reporters, and those few ravenous fans he’d had the displeasure of gaining.

And it was on television, everyone would know his face.

It was too dangerous now.

And he’d addressed Megumi directly…

She now knew _who_ he’d fake dated a year into their relationship; a man.

The same man she’d seen him with the day before.

He had to fix it, the only way in his mind was to push Sugawara from the spotlight; from him.

It wasn’t fair on Sugawara; on either of them.

But if he went back to Megumi, he knew Sugawara wouldn’t be at risk anymore—

“Daichi!”

Wooden floor creaking with each speeding footstep, heavy footwork on the stairs that led up to the stage.

Green converse.

Sugawara.

“Hey Suga…”

A grunt as Sugawara sat down beside him, one leg hanging from the edge and the other hugged close to his chest.

“Are you okay?”

“Can I…” Daichi paused, “Can I just…not answer?”

Sugawara leaned against him, resting his head on Daichi’s shoulder, “yeah, that’s fine too.”

Daichi smiled softly, a barely-there hint of gratitude.

They sat in silence, just like that, Sugawara eventually shuffling until their thighs and hips were pressed together, fingers laced together, hands embraced by paler ones.

Daichi didn’t even realise the second presence until they were sat beside him.

“Well done, Sawa-chan.”

He then found Oikawa to his left, an arm around his back and Oikawa’s head also on his shoulder, he felt Oikawa snatch one of his hands from Sugawara and Sugawara swat at him.

He found himself feeling able to get used to attention like this; affection.

Daichi could faintly hear soft footing on the wooden floor, he opened his eyes to see Takeda and Ukai approaching.

“Sawamura,” Takeda stepped forward first, “well done today; the bosses are impressed by your ability to disarm the crowd.”

“I hated every second of it.”

“We know… there was obviously a reason you didn’t want to do TV interviews…”

Daichi looked down at the six hands in his lap.

“That why we want to treat you, come with us for a drink, you, Oikawa, and Sugawara.”

He stayed quiet for a moment, weighing out the pros and cons of going, but finally he relented, for Sugawara and Oikawa.

“Thank you, I’d like that.”

 

* * *

 

 

It was frigidly cold as they entered the ice bar, Daichi keeping his head low to try and avoid the eyes he could feel like hot stones on his skin.

It was horrible.

Even in the minus temperatures of the bar, when they sat down in a quiet booth, thankfully not made of ice, it was so overwhelming to suddenly have everyone’s eyes on him.

“What would everyone like?” Takeda asked, leaning over the table to hear them over the sound of the music.

A round of drinks were quick fired at the man and he counted them on his fingers as if that would help him memorise it.

_It’s Ishimoto Kenta!_

_No, don’t you mean Sawamura Daichi?_

This was exactly why he wanted anonymity…

Fuck.

Several drinks later and the mood was lighter, but the paranoia wasn’t.

“Hey, Daichi! Wanna dance?” Sugawara was smiling, no doubt wanting to fulfil his promise.

He had to get out.

“Sure, uh, just a little though?”

“Of course! I won’t work you to the bone or anything.” The smile turned playful, spreading to narrowed eyes and cocked brows.

Daichi then remembered Sugawara’s…style of dance.

All hips.

“Get a room already, Suga-chan!”

Daichi didn’t miss Sugawara’s wink.

“I plan to~”

A cover story.

Sugawara’s hands slid into Daichi’s, gripping them and pulling him from the booth as a new song began, he led him onto the dancefloor, “do you know this song?”

“Uh, I think so?”

“It’s one of my favourite bands.” Sugawara shuffled into the centre of the dancefloor, behind a throng of people. Daichi could hear Sugawara’s whistle over the almost deafening music of the club.

_It’s Ishimoto Kenta!_

_Sawamura Daichi!_

He gulped.

Run.

Run!

He sucked in a breath when he heard the singing, not English?

Just like at the camping trip.

He watched as Sugawara bit his lip, hands in his cardigan pockets as he stepped backwards several steps, one hand immediately sweeping through his steel locks in a way which had Daichi’s heart stuttering in his chest.

He shuffled along the floor, bending forward in time with the music. Sugawara kicked his feet out, swinging his arms, “c’mon Daichi!”

He was in way over his head.

Sugawara turned, thumbing over his shoulders and swaying his hips to the left, looking over his shoulder at Daichi with his bottom lip still worried between his teeth, spanking his hips before jumping back to the front and swaying right. Arms up and hands together above his head, back down in front of him, thumbs up. He joined his feet together with a small jump, kicking out so his heel touched the floor beside him, back in, the same with the other foot.

This time Daichi joined in, following Sugawara’s footwork, also adding a clap of his hands; pleasantly surprised when Sugawara did the same.

Their hips bumped together, startling Daichi by how close they were, how much closer they became when Sugawara shifted in front of him, shaking his hips and moving his feet in a four-step circle. He began stepping forward, leaning over himself, and Daichi was ready this time, returning to his side and turning with him and starting the dance all over again. Shimmying his shoulders like Sugawara did.

It was time, Sugawara dropping to the floor just like the first time, springing up with flexibility Daichi’d never seen him possess before as a new song started, inherently more sexually provocative that the first.

“Fuck.” He muttered; he couldn’t do that.

But Sugawara could, and he drew nearer with hooded eyes, fingers digging into Daichi’s plaid shirt, “drunk enough for me to do this?” Sugawara’s hips were against his and he sucked in a breath.

Oh, how Daichi’s wanted to say _yes;_ it was Sugawara, after all.

He knew Daichi’s boundaries better than he himself did.

Sugawara brought him into a kiss, not waiting for Daichi’s answer, tongue against Daichi’s lips and begging for access. After the day he’d had Daichi had no trouble in complying, parting his lips for Sugawara’s use.

His arms wrapped around the other man and drew him closer, their lips slanting together and the noise from their messy kissing filling his ears alongside the provocative song. Fuelling his desire.

A desire he’d never had before.

Sugawara’s fingers were in his hair and as soon as Sugawara broke for air, he found himself chase the other man’s mouth, barely stealing a breath before their lips slotted together hungrily once more.

“Someone’s eager.” Sugawara teased with a breathy voice, finally breaking free from Daichi’s lips.

Daichi should’ve been filled with fear, anxiety, “yeah,” he half laughed breathlessly as he held onto Sugawara’s biceps, “you’re different.”

_Ishimoto Kenta._

_Sawamura Daichi._

Fuck.

Fuck!

He couldn’t take it anymore.

“Excuse me a moment.” He pulled away.

“Daichi?”

“I’ll be right back, I promise.”

He fought his way through the crowds and past the booth they’d been sat in, exiting through the main entrance and staggering outside into the cold evening air.

_Look it’s Ishimoto Kenta!_

He took deep gasping breaths, trying to calm himself but with little success as people walked past.

Daichi leant on the bar wall, hands pressed against the old brickwork and he looked up to the blackened sky, hazy cloud passing overhead and hiding the moon from view.

_Sawamura Daichi._

He bit back a sound of anguish, pressing his lips tightly together, blinking away the tears that were threatening to fall.

It wasn’t fair.

_Hey! Ishimoto!_

Why did this have to happen?

He’d been content with being nameless and unknown, but now everything had changed and being honest had wound up with him being named and known by everyone who had access to media outlets.

_Don’t you mean Sawamura Daichi?_

He wasn’t ready.

He wasn’t…

He slumped, sliding down the red-brick wall and coming to sit on the cobble stoned path.

“Daichi?”

_Suga._

He looked up to the other man, the moon re-emerging from its hiding place and painting Sugawara silver, his hair shining in silvers and neon, colours bouncing around his person in the same way it had when Daichi had first met him, the switch of colour the other man turned on in Daichi’s life.

“Daichi, are you okay?” Sugawara crouched beside him, hand running through his hair as he looked between the crook of his elbow at Daichi. “Is it what I did? I’m sorry, I—”

“No, don’t say it.”

“But—”

“It’s not that.” Daichi buried his face in his hands. “It’s definitely not…” A hiccup of unsteady breath.

Arms immediately wrapped around him, his head thrust against Sugawara’s chest and he listened to his heart race.

“Why is your heart going so fast?”

“I was worried I’d upset you.” Sugawara didn’t let go.

“Don’t worry about that…”

“I will, because I care about you a lot, Daichi, I want to protect you and make sure you never hurt…”

“You can’t do that.”

“I know…so that’s why _I_ don’t ever want to hurt you; I _can_ do that.”

Daichi smiled, looking down.

“Can we go home?”

Sugawara hummed quietly, fingers carding through his hair, “your place or mine?”

“Mine?”

“Sounds like a plan. I’ll go get our things.”

Sugawara stood, kissing Daichi’s head as he went and heading back inside.

He felt calmer now, taking a breath and closing his eyes.

He was lucky.

His eyes rolled over the street of cobble stone and small shops, neon lighting and bright signs mixing like a wormhole, times gone by and the modern world clashing in the most vibrant way.

One in particular caught his eye, a shop from years ago, blue and purple neon shining just that little bit brighter than the rest, his heart picked up pace as his mind began formulating.

“Hey, I’m ready to go.” Sugawara said, catching Daichi’s attention, the man carried two coats and Daichi gratefully took his.

“Me too.”

“Your place?”

“Yeah,” he looked at the store front again, “but I want to go somewhere first.”

Sugawara nodded, “okay!”

They made their way to the black-painted shop, Daichi looking at Sugawara’s giddy features when he realised where they were going. They stepped inside and Daichi approached the woman behind the counter.

Fifteen minutes later and they were leaving.

“Oh my God, I really like this impulsive Daichi.” Daichi watched as Sugawara fiddled with his hair. “But I’m gonna have to find a new habit, can’t pull on my earlobes anymore.”

Daichi laughed, ears and cheeks warm from Sugawara’s actions – although the former was likely due to his own actions, a gentle burning ache to his freshly pierced ears – both of them were trying so hard not to play with the diamonds gracing their lobes.

“At least you can still play with the other ear.”

“But my right ear isn’t as fun as my left.” Sugawara looked at him, taking his hand in his and lacing their fingers together. “By the way, you look super cute with those.”

“Not menacing?”

“Definitely not, you’re more like a marshmallow than menacing.”

The comment had Daichi laughing again, Sugawara joining in as they trudged through the cold to reach Daichi’s apartment, any fare for taxis spent up on their newly pierced lobes.

“A marshmallow?”

“Squidgy and sweet.”

“Nice to know I’m _squidgy_.” He snickered.

“The squidgiest!”

They both laughed as they walked through the city, admiring the nightlife and the bright lights, past the pubs and bars and the sprawling drunk patrons enjoying their Friday night.

Finally they reached Daichi’s apartment, heading up in the elevator to the tenth floor.

Daichi watched as Sugawara ran to greet Edgar, heading into his kitchenette, “want a drink?”

“Uhhh, I’ll just have a glass of water, please!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yep!”

Sugawara turned his attention back to the bird and Daichi left the faucet running longer than he needed, too busy watching the other man.

Sugawara was cute.

And he was lucky.

He was lucky in a different way to Megumi, though.

In the past he’d been lucky she’d stayed…now he was lucky Sugawara wasn’t Megumi.

He yawned, settling next to Sugawara on the couch, handing the other man his glass of water.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” He smiled, closing his eyes, he took a sip of his drink and then placed it next to Sugawara’s on the coffee table.

Sugawara leant into Daichi, the latter welcoming him with open arms.

They kissed again, just like in the club but with less urgency, slow and languid movements of their tongues against one another had Daichi’s body igniting with a desire he definitely hadn’t experienced in a long time, if at all.

Daichi’s hands landed on Sugawara’s hips, thumbs skimming hipbones as Sugawara moved into his lap.

Sugawara pulled away, only for a moment. His eyes on Daichi’s lips as his tongue laved his own, bottom lip disappearing between his teeth.

His arms wrapped around Daichi’s neck, lips returning to his and slanting against one another again.

His heart raced, stomach fluttering with what felt like hundreds of Sugawara’s butterflies as his hands moved _just_ that bit lower, stopping to hold the globes of Sugawara’s backside.

That was okay, right?

Sugawara sucked in a breath against Daichi’s lips, moving to hold his wrists as he murmured.

“Not tonight, we don’t have to do anything more tonight.”

Sugawara settled Daichi’s hands back on his hips, stroking down his torso as he returned to his earlier work, working his lips against Daichi’s.

Fingers teased at his shirt, and then cold digits were on his abdomen, skimming along his stomach and up his sides.

“This okay?”

“Yes.”

Sugawara smiled, chilled fingers continuing their exploration of Daichi’s torso, not moving any higher, nor any lower. Ticklish movements around his middle.

It wasn’t fair.

Daichi’s hands began their own exploring, lifting Sugawara’s jumper just enough to do the same, he moved his lips from Sugawara’s and to his neck, suckling and biting a bruise onto the crook of his neck as his hands teased the waist band of Sugawara’s clothes.

The other man moaned in the place of a sigh. Previous breathy sighs being erased from Daichi’s mind at the noise.

He _really_ wanted more of that sound.

But then it was over.

Sugawara’s hands smoothing over his dishevelled shirt before gripping Daichi’s hands, fingers linking with his and trapping them against the back of the couch.

“If you carry on with your magic hands, I won’t be able to stop.” Sugawara hummed against his lips.

Daichi wished he could tell Sugawara the first thing that came to mind; _then don’t_.

But the fear.

Fear licked at his insides.

Fear of everything intimacy could offer.

“Okay.”

It won’t be forever.

He was beginning to realise…

He wanted Sugawara, _all_ of him.

He wanted Sugawara to have all of him, too.


	15. The First of Many

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Whoa.” He breathed, moving closer to inspect it and wincing just slightly as his fingertip grazed the fresh piercing. “So I really did that, huh?”
> 
> He scoffed.
> 
> So that was how infectious Daichi could be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood Music:  
> [Promise by Jimin (BTS)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFeT8k2WTOQ)  
> [Boy Meets Evil Comeback Trailer by BTS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJJSh-eEdRk)  
> [Here With Me by Elina](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRQdkkoIXIM)

Warm arms encased his body and Sugawara sighed in contentment, snuggling further under the bed sheets and burying everything but his nest of hair atop his head.

Daichi’s breath was warm on his nape, even puffs indicating the other was still sleeping, Sugawara smiled, lacing his fingers with Daichi’s as he looked over his shoulder.

His sleeping features never failed to take his breath away, the boyish smile no longer occupying his lips and instead a more mature, cut jaw greeting Sugawara, his furrowed brows and the etched lines of fear were also absent. The darker skin under his eyes didn’t go unnoticed, the slightly bruised colour indicating his exhaustion.

It made Sugawara wonder how it was so easy not to notice it of a daytime, yet in the darkness of the early morning hidden behind blackout curtains, he could see it so easily.

He wondered if it was his imagination.

He sighed and shuffled close to Daichi until they were pressed flush together, relishing in his warmth and looking at Daichi’s bedroom.

He rolled onto his back, looking up at the ceiling and feeling the chill of the room as he moved, was it still really that early?

He lay there, feeling heavy and warm in Daichi’s presence, pleasantly relaxed and content with how things had worked out.

Shirtless Daichi wasn’t too bad either.

He smirked, suppressing a giddy noise.

They’d kissed, they’d kissed enough, were handsy enough, to be classed as a make out.

A make out with Daichi that he was actually sober for.

Could actually remember more than just that there was a make out.

And a hickey!

And then Daichi had gone to sleep without a shirt.

A pleasant wake up, to say the least.

Finally he began to move, the room cold as he stood, feet being chilled along with his exposed torso.

At least only his torso was exposed this time.

He stole Daichi’s dressing gown from the back of his bedroom door, yawning and scratching his head.

He slapped his lips together a few times, exiting the bedroom while tying the belt around his waist. Sugawara froze for a moment, eyes wide and staring at his ear in the mirror.

“Whoa.” He breathed, moving closer to inspect it and wincing just slightly as his fingertip grazed the fresh piercing. “So I really did that, huh?”

He scoffed.

So _that_ was how infectious Daichi could be.

Although he couldn’t say he didn’t mind.

Sugawara moved from the mirror and looked out at the waking city, leaning on the window ledge and warming his knees on the radiator situated beneath it.

He could see why Daichi lived here, up in the clouds. At least, that’s what it _looked_ like, a low fog concealing the city, wisps licking at the windowpanes.

Despite being in the heart of the city, everything was quiet, traffic noise blocked out and instead only the quiet hum of the refrigerator and the boiler working to warm up the cold apartment were audible.

He was lucky.

Blessed to have someone as sweet as Daichi.

For the first time in his life he was content with his choice of romantic partner, rather than an age gap or power imbalance there was hardly anything at all. He had to think twice about what he said and how he behaved.

It was different.

But it was nice.

He turned on the radio, low enough not to wake Daichi up.

_“—and the man Sawamura Daichi was hugging after the speech is probably the man in question.”_

And it was _public_.

Well fuck.

He turned the radio off, looking around in search of something to make Daichi for breakfast, flipping on the coffee machine as he searched.

Cereal or bread.

How plain.

He settled on the bread, taking four pieces from the bag and leaving them beside the toaster, eyes settling on fruit.

“Perfect.”

Sugawara began chopping the fruit, apples, oranges, bananas, he felt like he was preparing food for his butterflies; not Daichi. He rummaged through the fridge, drawing out carbonated lemonade and grapes. His eyes landed on fresh orange juice.

He took the grapes and the lemonade to the bowl of prepared fruit, adding a handful of washed grapes to the bowl and then adding the lemonade – fruit salad.

“Dammit, I forgot it needs to chill…” he looked around, “freezer!”

He made space in the freezer for the bowl, it wasn’t going to be _chilled_ , but it’d be colder than if it was left in the fridge for the same amount of time.

He switched off the coffee machine, instead opting to use the fresh orange juice in the fridge. He poured two glasses before finally placing the toast into the toaster.

Sugawara’s eyes landed on the clock on the wall, eight a.m., late for Daichi.

Time would surely be running out.

The toaster popped up and Sugawara looked at the golden toast protruding from the top, he took it from the toaster, buttering the slices and adding jam to Daichi’s; that was the reason it was in the fridge, right?

Sugawara went to the freezer and removed the fruit salad, setting it down on the tray alongside the orange juices.

He loaded the toast onto the tray as well, padding quietly towards Daichi’s room.

He fiddled with the door handle, pushing inside, Daichi still sleeping, hand fisted on Sugawara pillow and breathing even.

But then he was stirring, like he knew Sugawara was there.

He turned to look at Sugawara, blinking blearily with sleep-clouded eyes as he sat up.

“Suga?” He yawned, seconds later biting back a second yawn. “What’s this?”

Wait what?

“Please tell me you’ve at least had breakfast in bed before.” Sugawara crossed the distance, finding Daichi’s skewwhiff hair endearing.

Daichi laughed sleepily, fixing his pillow behind him so he could sit up properly, clearing his throat, “of course I have; it was just always me making it.”

Sugawara laid the tray on Daichi’s lap, well today’s your day off,” he smiled, rounding the bed to join Daichi, “I made it, so just relax.”

Sugawara tried to fix Daichi’s hair, instead opting to kiss the scar on his forehead instead.

“Thank you,” Daichi’s smile was sincere, soft around the edges and making Sugawara feel warm and fuzzy inside, he sighed happily.

The pair settled down, demolishing the toast before it could get any colder, and before long they were onto the fruit salad.

“Sorry it’s not chilled, I tried to compensate by putting it in the freezer.”

“It’s okay,” Daichi spoke around a segment of orange, “it’s good.”

Sugawara picked at a grape, throwing it into the air and trying to catch it, falling forward in his attempt to do so and almost knocking the tray from Daichi’s lap, much to the other man’s amusement.

“Careful.” Daichi’s hands were on his body, trying to offer support to him whilst cradling the tray with his legs.

“Who are you, my dad?”

“Maybe.”

Sugawara broke into a hacking laugh that quickly left him sputtering.

“OhmyGod that’d be horrifying.” Sugawara paused, clearing his throat as he spoke the word _“daddy.”_

“Oh Lord.” Daichi rolled his eyes.

“Don’t use my landlord’s name in vain.”

“Says the one who uses his name in nearly every sentence.”

“OhmyGod no I don’t—” Sugawara pouted, “nevermind—I’m allowed, he’s my landlord, how else can I address him?”

Daichi laughed, finishing the fruit salad and his drink with Sugawara’s help, he placed the tray on the floor beside his bed.

“Thank you.” He reclined, one arm behind his head, the other draped across his stomach as he looked at Sugawara.

“For what?”

“Everything.”

_“Daaaaichiiii.”_ Sugawara whined. “Don’t just do that, I warned you about doing that.”

“I’m not even sorry.” Daichi sat up, his arms were around his middle, hauling him up into his lap. “You…are amazing.”

Sugawara could feel his face burn, “sap.”

“I thought I was squidgy.”

“Squidgy sap.”

Daichi’s laugh rumbled in his chest and Sugawara could feel it, it was then that Sugawara remembered.

“I gotta go to work today, can I get a shower?”

Daichi’s hold on him lessened, “sure, you know where the ensuite is.”

“Thanks.”

Sugawara stood, making his way to the bathroom.

 

* * *

 

“Try to hurry, Suga,” Daichi said, looking up at the blackening sky from the front of his apartment building, “I could see some rain coming over before.”

Sugawara nodded, “I will, thank you, Daichi. Are you gonna be okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” he smiled softly, “I promise, I’m okay.”

“Good.” Sugawara’s lips caressed his cheek and he descended the stone steps. “I’ll see you later, Dai.” He waved and began his journey down the street.

Daichi watched him go, waving as Sugawara turned the corner, his eyes draw skyward as he felt the first raindrops on his scalp.

The floor began to darken in spots and Daichi headed back into the foyer.

He made his way back to the lift, a sombre mood settling over him as he allowed himself to reflect; he’d fucked up.

He thought back to the day before, fingers lifting to graze along his freshly pierced ears.

He’d been made to go public.

About who he was, about something he wasn’t even sure of.

_Fuck._

Why was it so hard?

He reached the tenth floor, realising he’d _challenged Megumi._

It was like a red mist hazed his vision.

This was Megumi’s fault.

_How dare she._

_How fucking dare she._

He grit his teeth, striding down the corridor and pushing inside his apartment.

How fucking _dare_ that _bitch_ do this to him.

His door slammed, echoing in his empty apartment, knocking loose papers from their perch on the bookshelf as the haze of red became an enveloping fog, thick and all consuming.

She was _evil_.

And he was _done_ bending to her will.

He stalked into his bedroom, punching the door and listening to the satisfying _crack_ of the wood as it caved under his fist, his face twisted in both pain and fury, breathing hard as he paused and looked around his room.

Edgar nesting in his wardrobe.

A still messy bed.

The laptop.

That fucking laptop.

It was in his hand before he was aware of anything else.

He launched the item across the floor with an overarm swing.

“Fucking die!” He screamed, picking it up and throwing it again. “You worthless—”

It still wasn’t dead.

It was all his laptop’s fault, too.

He promised himself he’d never write again.

Yet here was, the beginnings of his third novel.

Well, no.

Fucking— _NO._

“I should’ve destroyed you months ago!”

He picked it up, with two hands braced on the electronic device he brought it down of the end of the bedframe, wood denting and paint chipping, next he was spinning and doing the same on the door with the same result.

He heard another cracking.

Finally—

He laughed brokenly, hysterically, “fucking finally!”

He exhaled, looking down to the shattered red in his hands, both marred by marks on his palms and fingers, his right knuckles stinging with raw hatred and anger.

But he wasn’t done.

He dropped it to the ground, padding over to his bookshelves.

_It was their fault too._

He lifted the first edition prints from their perches.

His books.

_I hate you._

They caused all of this.

If he’d just given up after his first rejection, got a _real_ job, the maybe his relationship wouldn’t have failed, he would’ve been blissfully unaware of Megumi’s abuse, and she wouldn’t be trying to destroy his life now, either.

These fucking manuscripts—

He threw them to the ground.

_No._

_Nonono._

_Nononono._

_No!_

Out of the pages came tens of pictures of him and Megumi, he thought—

She was still—

He exhaled shakily, feeling nauseous and unwell at the sight. He stood stock still for several minutes, entranced by his blissful lack of awareness in the photos.

Envious.

Finally, he scooped up the photographs and the books, tossing them into the metal wire bin in his room.

He swayed where he stood, head tilting back as he held the bin in a loose grip, eyes landing on the incriminating object on his bedside.

He never did remember to give it back…

And Sugawara had never asked, either.

The other’s words echoed in his mind: _you never know when you’re gonna need a lighter_.

Daichi was glad Sugawara hadn’t asked for it back.

He tucked the zippo into his pocket, heading out of his apartment and taking the elevator to the top floor, the rooftop.

It was raining heavily by now, shrouds of driving rain and wind whipped around him as he headed to the centre of the roof.

He removed the books from their confines, depositing them at his feet as a strange calm washed over him as his clothes grew wet and rain cascaded down his anguish consumed features.

Withdrawing the lighter he flipped the lid with a _click_ , flipping it several times with satisfaction of the weight in his palm.

Finally, finally, he lifted a photograph from the bin and ignited one corner, making sure it was properly burning before dropping it into the chasm of his empty heart, the mesh waste bin becoming a hearth as the fire spread with a crackling whoosh, the rain doing nothing to hamper the hellish fire that consumed every happy memory he had.

He looked to the sky, feeling the rain etch ice into his veins where an angry flame once burned.

The rain washed away his bitterness, his anger, his strife.

Finally…he wept. Saline tracks disappearing into the rain that now swallowed him up.

He sank to his knees, dipping his head as his fingers dug into the concrete floor.

He wanted the rain to stop, it washed away the colour of the world, everything fading to grey.

Daichi’s tears were silent, the occasional sob hiccupping past his lips and being drowned out by the rain.

He’d been doing so well; not letting her influence him anymore, rediscovering himself, loving himself, loving Sugawara. The wall he’d built around himself, he’d almost scaled it, almost broke through his own barriers.

He couldn’t feel himself anymore.

There really hadn’t been any progress.

He’d just been kidding himself…

He was just as chained to Megumi as ever before.

Their story wasn’t over yet; just like his novels.

He looked at the battered pages in front of him, feeling remorse as he picked them up and cradling them to his chest.

He had to carry on…

He had to…

Carry on.

His phone in his pocket startled him and he took it out, seeing his mother’s number light up the screen. He composed himself and levelled out his voice before answering.

“Hello?”

_“Finally! I was able to…signal.”_

Another blizzard.

“Mum, are you okay?”

_“Daichi? Daichi, are you there? Masa—it’s not working.”_

“Mum, I’m here!”

_“Daichi!”_

“Mum, are you okay?”

_“The blizzard is…communica…—spotty.”_

Daichi knew what this meant; on the mountain infrastructure was _built_ to deal with snowstorms and blizzards. If it was struggling then the weather was _bad_ , the village would likely be cut off for at least a few days.

“Okay, mum, I got it,” he scratched at his head, “if I can’t get in touch with you, I shouldn’t worry.” He still would.

“ _—love you, Daichi.”_

“I love you too, mum, give my love to everyone.”

The phone line went quiet and soon there was a beeping as the call lost connection, Daichi sighed, looking at the aftermath of his actions.

“I suppose I should clean up…” He huffed, stifling a sneeze. “And get dried off.”

“Daichi…?”

Daichi looked up at the voice, seeing soft brown locks and a hand protectively positioned over a swollen stomach, the other holding an umbrella.

“Yui.”

“Are you okay? I heard banging in your apartment and when I went to check you weren’t there but the elevator was going to the top floor.”

“I—” Daichi realised what the scene must look like, him kneeling on the roof with a previously burning waste bin. “Not really.”

“Need to talk about it?” She asked, moving forward to cover him with the umbrella and kneeling down beside him.

“You’ll get wet.”

“Not as wet as you,” she smiled, “come on,” she extended her hand to him, “let’s get you inside and dried off, then we’ll talk.”

Daichi took her hand, climbing to his feet and helping her to stand, “pregnancy must be pretty rough.”

She hummed in agreement, “almost eight months along and I can’t even put socks on anymore.” Laughing.

Daichi looked down to her slipper-clad feet, drenched by ground water, “then we need to get you inside.”

They made their way inside, books and bin in his arms as they headed down the service stairs and towards the elevator. He watched the young woman fall behind, taking a single concrete step at a time.

He stopped, shifting the items in his arms to one side, offering her his arm to link, “be careful.”

“Thanks, Daichi,” she took it and they took the stairs together, “God, I was meant to be helping you.”

“You are,” Daichi reassured, “thank you, Yui.” The finally reached the lift, Daichi helping Yui inside and they headed for Yui’s apartment below Daichi’s.

“We can go to yours.”

“It’s okay, you’ll be more comfortable in yours.”

“Then at least borrow some of Hayato’s clothes.”

The uncomfortable way his clothes stuck to his body had him seriously consider the option, “okay.”

Yui smiled, unlocking her apartment door and letting Daichi inside, his eyes were drawn to the walls, lined with glistening medals displaying Yui’s victories over the years. When his line of sight returned to Yui’s previous position she was gone.

“Here you go, Daichi,” she smiled, emerging from the bedroom, “get changed and I’ll dry your clothes.” He looked down to the pile of clothes in her hands, taking them gratefully and going to the bathroom to change.

Once changed he went back out, watching Yui’s dainty footsteps in the kitchen, catching sight of her bare feet as she prepared drinks.

“You shouldn’t walk around with bare feet.”

She startled, “Hayato isn’t here to help me put socks on.”

“But I am. Where are your socks?”

Yui’s face was priceless, almost like she’d never thought of the prospect before, “I’ll, uh, go get them.” She was quick to retreat into the bedroom.

Daichi moved into the kitchen, pouring the freshly boiled water onto the drinks Yui had been making, the woman appearing from the bedroom just seconds later.

He carried their drinks over to the coffee table as Yui sat down on the couch, he kneeled in front of her taking the socks from her and asking her for her right foot, his hands hurt, especially his knuckles. They burned.

“Boy, I should get pregnant more often, having my husband and my best friend wait on me hand and foot.”

“You’d get sick of it,” Daichi smirked, “you’re too independent.”

She hummed, “true.”

“Do you plan on going back?”

Yui was quiet, “maybe? I quiet like the idea of teaching others, though.”

“I think that’d be great, Yui.”

She smiled, “you think I can?”

“You taught me to at least hold out in a fist fight against you.”

“Yeah, but like _you’d_ ever hit a woman.”

It stung, was he really so predictable?

Was that really the kind of feeling he gave off?

He swallowed.

It was a lie.

Daichi moved to her next foot, slipping on the fluffy sock over her pale skin. “I…I have hit a woman before.” He watched her posture change as she realised what he’d said, he took up the other seat on the couch, sitting down beside her. “I have hit a woman and it was the biggest mistake of my life…”

“Daichi?”

Megumi.

He’d hit Megumi.

“It was Megumi…” He curled up in foetal position, knees tucked under his chin and his lips drew into a tight line. “I hit her and she never let me forget it.”

She’d been the reason he’d been on the roof in a rainstorm. Just remembering where he’d been not half an hour earlier had a full-body shiver traverse up his spine.

“I…I was stressed.” Daichi looked down to his hands in his lap. “And she pushed me too far…and I hit her.”

“Daichi…”

“She promised she’d tell everyone I was a woman beater.”

Yui snorted, the noise startling Daichi as her arms snaked through his and she rested her head on his shoulder, “listen, lashing out doesn’t make you a bad person…it makes you human.”

“But—”

“Gender doesn’t matter, if someone like you lashes out then you are _obviously_ upset by something that person has done. Sure, it’s a dick move to hurt someone who’s disabled or at a disadvantage, but if I fight with a guy, I _expect_ him to hit me back. If someone like Megumi, someone you _loved_ , had done something to make you lash out then they deserved it, not gonna lie.”

What she said made sense.

But the sick feeling still wouldn’t leave him, it still couldn’t climb the walls he, himself, built around his ideals, his morals, and his deeply instilled conditioning.

It had come to a point he couldn’t distinguish one from the other anymore.

He remembered Sugawara’s words from the first time they’d met after their drunken…incident. It felt like a life-time ago, Sugawara’s advice for his friend rang through his skull like a gospel.

_Rediscover himself_.

Rediscover yourself.

He pursed his lips.

“Daichi…I know.”

Daichi paused.

Knew what?

“I never…I never liked her, even though I was kinda…her friend first. But you seemed happy, so I kept my mouth shut. But I knew about a lot of the things she did – not that one exactly, but some of the others.”

He felt his heart leap into his throat, Yui _knew?_

“Like what?”

“Like…” Yui stopped to think. “The ring you got her, she was planting seeds, wasn’t she?”

Daichi remembered their conversations and bickering arguments, Megumi’s _it’s the least I deserve_ comments when he thought she thought he couldn’t hear her.

“She’d pretend you weren’t listening and then tell everyone she wanted at least a one grand rock on her finger.”

“I remember…”

“I’m sorry, Daichi.” Yui took his hands in hers, rubbing her thumbs along the backs of his hands and she shuffled closer to him. “But that’s why I picked you over her.”

All he could do was nod, “I used to think I was blinded by love; but now I’m realising it was pure fear.”

“You shouldn’t be afraid of someone you love…”

Daichi froze, thinking about Sugawara at her words, he’d never…fear wasn’t something he experienced with the other man, instead even pushing his boundaries filled him with an excited heat he’d never felt before, a rush of adrenaline unparalleled by even his story writing. “Like Sugawara.”

“Now that was cute.”

His cheeks felt hot, had he really just—?

“Yui! I’m home!”

Daichi looked up, seeing his other friend in the doorway and Yui moved away from Daichi’s side, getting up to greet her husband.

“Welcome back, Daichi’s staying for dinner, are fajitas okay?”

“Fajitas sound great!” Hayato agreed, kissing Yui softly on her lips.

“Yeah, reminds me of when I first met you guys.” Daichi also agreed.

“Man, I’m gonna have killer heartburn.” Yui laughed, almost waddling to the kitchen to begin prepping the food.

 

* * *

 

“Oh, Daichi, Tooru, please look after yourselves.” Etsuko cooed, trapping them both in a choking embrace. “Stay safe and eat well, and don’t take any bull while you’re away!”

Sugawara found the scene endearing, watching the mother dote on Daichi and Oikawa equally, fussing over their clothes and whether they’d be warm enough in their first destination; London.

“We’ll be fine, mum, we’re adults.”

“You’re still incapable.” Mamoru snickered from beside Sugawara.

“Ask Suga and he’ll tell you the opposite.”

Ayame burst into a cackling fit of laughter, “oof.”

“Nana, do you even know what _oof_ means?” Fumiko asked.

“Not a clue, but it makes a nice sound.”

Sugawara laughed into his hand, waiting for the family to finish their goodbyes before stepping forward himself.

“I think if I was to say anything it’d just be mirroring what everyone else has already said…so have lots of fun,” he smoothed over the lapels of Daichi’s coat, “show them just what Sawamura Daichi is made of and take Europe by storm.” He smiled, “can my souvenir be an Eiffel Tower pencil sharpener?”

Daichi laughed, “who said I was getting you a souvenir?”

“Oh, come on, it’s a pencil sharpener, don’t be stingy.” His smirk disarmed the other man, only serving to make the other man laugh further.

“Alright, alright,” Daichi hugged him close, “I’ll get you a whole Eiffel Tower stationary set, how about that?”

“I asked for the pencil sharpener, not le crayon.”

“Okay,” Daichi pulled away and snickered against his fist, “alright, one pencil sharpener coming up.”

“Sawa-chan! We’re boarding, let’s go.” Oikawa harrumphed.

Sugawara watched him walk ahead to the gate, “he’s miffed that Iwaizumi isn’t here?”

Daichi sighed, “yeah, delays on Iwaizumi’s end.”

“Then you go look after him, I’ll see you in two weeks.”

“You will,” Daichi smiled, turning to walk to the gate, following after Oikawa, Sugawara felt lonely…not even a kiss goodbye? “Oh!” Daichi turned back, gripping his cheeks tightly and kissing him firmly on the lips. “I’ll definitely speak to you when we get there.”

“You better.” Sugawara smirked, face feeling hot thanks to Daichi’s actions, especially in front of his family.

Daichi smiled and waved, giving chase to Oikawa once again.

As soon as he was past the gate Sugawara could feel Daichi’s family and their questioning gazes on his person.

“Uh…what was that?” Mamoru asked.

Sugawara grimaced at the question, Daichi hadn’t told his family?

_Well fuck._

“Uh, _well,”_ he began, “we, um, started half dating, I guess.”

“Half dating?” Ume asked, linking Makoto’s arm as they made their way towards the car park. “Is that some new thing you young’uns do nowadays?”

“Is that the cute way of calling yourselves friends with benefits?” Mamoru deadpanned.

“Uh, more like Daichi’s still nervous to call it a relationship but is more than happy to kiss me, I think.”

_“Clearly.”_ Fumiko snickered into her hand. “Apparently he also likes biting.”

Sugawara felt his face grow warmer and his hand flew up to his neck to over the fresh hickey, he was sure he’d hidden it, too! He forced memories from the night before from his mind, the make out that’d ended with hands removing each other’s shirts, Daichi’s ever-bolder movements filling with confidence after brief, initial hesitation.

Make-outs had become somewhat…more commonplace in the two weeks following Daichi’s press release, not that Sugawara was complaining, definitely not.

Desperate to change the topic of conversation to save himself from further embarrassment, he asked, “how long are you guys in the city for?”

“A few days,” Etsuko linked his left arm, Fumiko linking his right as they left the airport behind them, “we thought we could use the time to come and see your exhibit.”

“Oh…”

Once again Sugawara was floored by how they just…accepted him as if he was their own, how they seemed to share a pride with him and hold a pride for him…

It was incredible.

“Well I can definitely arrange that!” He smiled, puffing up in pride and confidence. “When would you like to come and see it?”

“How about later today?”

“Later today sounds great!” Sugawara looked at the clock tower in the car park. It was still so early; the museum didn’t open until ten on a Sunday. “Then can I interest you in a tour of my home and breakfast while we wait for the museum to open?”

He escorted them to the cars, hearing their pleased sounds and approvals, waiting for Masahiro to give him to go ahead before climbing into front passenger seat.

“You living in the converted church, don’t you Koushi?” Fumiko asked from the back of the 4x4.

“Ah! Yeah!” Sugawara grinned, turning to Masahiro, “you gotta take the first left outta the car park,” he turned back to Mamoru and Fumiko in the back seat, catching sight of Etsuko and the grandparents in the vehicle behind them, “when we take the next corner, you’ll be able to see it.”

Outstanding black silhouettes on sunrise skies, looming over the city and casting its shadow. The sky was pale blue, clouds cerise and wisteria in colour, the neo-gothic church he called home perfectly contrasting the pastel skies.

“Wow! That’s it?”

“Yeah! I live in the steeple!” Sugawara beamed with pride. “I can’t wait to show you guys!”

 

* * *

 

_University corridors._

_As winding as they were long._

_She made her way through them, towards the band practice in the arts theatre. Megumi fought her way through the crowds of students on their way to lectures and seminars. Carrying her violin and huffing her fringe from her face; she should really cut it; she pressed on, finally reaching the door to the hall and—_

_She stumbled as they collided._

_Broad shoulders._

_Taller than her._

_Cut jaw, strong chin, high cheek-bones._

Wow.

_She sucked in a breath._

_“Ah—I’m sorry,” he spoke, a rich baritone that was as sweet as honey, “I wasn’t watching where I was going,” Ahhh, cute, “are you okay?”_

_It took her too long to reply, “uhm, yeah, I’m okay, are you?”_

_“Of course I am,” his smile, deep dimples like creators, “are you…?” He motioned to the arts theatre with his head._

_“Yeah,” she breathed, watching a thick arm take the door handle in hand and pull it open, she expected him to walk in, leave the door ajar with his fingertips like everyone else._

_Instead, “after you.”_

_She tucked stray hair behind her ear, “thank you,” stepping forward, once, twice, under his arm and catching his cologne on an inhale, cedarwood with something smoky, “I’m Suzuki Megumi.”_

_“Oh, yeah?” He followed after her, a steady presence. “I’m Sawamura Daichi, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”_

Hazel-green eyes flew open and she sat up, greeted by a dimmed bedroom. She blearily blinked away the last tendrils of slumber from her mind and her hand came to rest over her eyes.

That dream again…

Megumi exhaled shakily.

That _stupid_ dream.

She sneered, looking beside her to the sleeping man, Yamato.

He was…different to Daichi.

Always different.

She looked in the opposite direction, to the phone on the bedside and she turned on the screen, checked the time, and sighed.

She might as well get up.

Megumi sat up and reached for her dressing gown on the headboard corner, swinging her legs over the side of the bed and tying the silk kimono around her waist.

She exhaled and pushed off the bed, trudging forward towards the bedroom door.

The sunlight was blinding as she entered the hallway, the kitchen curtains left open to greet the Eastern sun, she blinked rapidly to adjust quicker.

Her eyes opened fully, seeing specks of dust illuminated like glitter in a snow globe.

That’s what her life felt like; a snow globe.

It grew colder each day, a blizzard of unknown drowning her in white.

She made herself her usual green tea turning on th radio while she waited for it to steep. Sitting down at the kitchen table she rested her head on her hand, watching the sun outside and sighing again.

In just seven months her world had changed dramatically, she now had to find a way to adjust.

Daichi hadn’t come back like she’d planned.

Hadn’t begged like she’d wanted.

Bringing her drink to her lips she snarled and pursed her lips, sipping the scalding liquid.

He wasn’t doing what she wanted him to do.

All because of that _man_.

He’d changed.

Daichi had changed.

She’d always told him he wasn’t wild enough; that he had to let go of his qualms about losing control.

But now he was starting fights in the middle of the street— Over her.

He started a fight over her.

She smirked, running her fingertips along the table top.

She preferred the Daichi she’d seen over the last few months to the one she spent six years with. It’d be even more fun to _break_ him like she did before.

But no, he was in love with a man.

How could she get him back from that silver haired freak?

Her jaw tightened and released; she was brought from her anger by the sound of the news bulletin took over the music on the radio.

_“And today Sawamura Daichi, previously working under the pseudonym Ishimoto Kenta, started his European promotional tour.”_ The excitable, young newscaster said.

_“Indeed,”_ his calmer partner agreed, _“and we wish him the best as he travels today along with illustrator Oikawa Tooru.”_

_“In case anyone has been living under a rock, this duo have taken the literary world by storm!”_

There was the sound of a crash as the cup of tea collided with the tiled wall just centimetres away from the radio and she screamed in frustration.

She could’ve had that!

She could’ve been in Paris _right now_.

She could’ve—

If Daichi had just _behaved._

She could’ve had the world…

“Babe?”

She spun round to see Yamato stood in the doorway.

“Babe.” She sniffled, crossing the kitchen and resting her head on his shoulders. “He’s haunting me—what he did.”

Broad arms wrapped around her form, shielding her, “are you ready to get your revenge?” Yamato whispered, low and breathy in her ear.

Was she ready?

“Yes…I want to make him hurt like he hurt me.” Her brow creased.

She didn’t have to tell Yamato she wanted Daichi back in her bed.

No, she didn’t need to say a thing.

Afterall, she didn’t tell Daichi about Yamato.

“Come back to bed, babe.” Yamato mumbled in her ear.

Like she’d refuse an offer like _that._

 

* * *

 

“Oh, wow, Koushi! It’s beautiful!”

Sugawara laughed, “thanks nana! But this isn’t my floor.” He led the family further into the atrium, heading towards the elevator. “Mine is the third!”

“Wow! So high!” Ume gasped, looking skyward to the cloud overhead, rolling and tumbling like an angry sea, intermittent blue like icebergs.

Sugawara pressed the button to call the lift, smiling as he listened to the family converse behind him.

“I bet we can beat the lift to the third floor.” Mamoru challenged, motioning to his sister and then the stairs.

“If you think you can.” Sugawara smirked, the lift reaching the ground floor and the doors opening.

“Let’s go!” Mamoru and Fumiko took off, booking it up the staircase.

Sugawara ushered the remaining members into the lift and pressed the button for the third floor.

The elevator trundled along its cables, up, up, and up. Sugawara watched through the glass casing as Mamoru and Fumiko raced up the staircase, spiralling around each other. He idly chatted with Etsuko and Masahiro.

Finally, the lift came to a stop on the third floor and Sugawara climbed out with Daichi’s family just in time to see Mamoru and Fumiko running over, gasping for breath.

Sugawara smirked, “on the way down I’ll show you how it’s done.”

He turned to the entrance of his exhibit, pausing when he saw the sign hanging above the doors.

“The new sign!” Complete with butterflies and other creepy crawlies, up close and personal sketches and bright water and oil colours merging together in a way that left him enamoured.

“Oh, Koushi, that looks amazing!” Etsuko praised, similar coos escaping Ume and Ayame’s lips too. Makoto and Masahiro quietly gave their approval, while Mamoru and Fumiko rounded on him and wrapped their arms around his shoulders.

He turned to face them with a wide smile, “thank you!”

“You did good, Koushi,” Fumiko smiled, “I’m glad Daichi has you now.”

Mamoru nodded, “you’re definitely the first place candidate for marriage.”

Sugawara laughed, “wow, thanks you guys.”

He led them into the exhibit, proudly opening his arms to gesture at his domain.

“This is it!”

Their silence had him turning to face them.

Their expressions made him burst into a grin.

Afterall, he was awestruck by it every single day, it was only natural they’d feel the same.

He watched Mamoru and Etsuko approach the large, glass container that housed the butterflies, being thrown into a loop by how much Mamoru looked like Daichi as he gazed skyward and through the old skylight. How the daylight painted his face in the same shadows as Daichi.

“This is where me and Daichi met.” He blurted.

The family looked up from where they’d scattered, looking through different booklets and items in the exhibit.

“Didn’t you guys meet in a bar?” Fumiko asked.

“Yeah, but the next day; sober,” Sugawara didn’t elaborate, “Mamoru stay there.” Sugawara pointed at him, backing away to go towards the staff entrance to the butterfly house.

He disappeared inside, pushing into the butterfly house and standing in the centre. But then he cursed; soundproof glass.

Fuck.

Did he still have those crates?

He turned back towards the staff entrance and sure enough there were the three crates. He picked them up and carried them into the butterflies’ domain.

He acted out opening them, butterflies bursting forth and then he froze, meeting Mamoru’s eyes and staring intently.

He left the exhibit in the same way he had back in September, finally stepping out, “and I approached him, and I apologised for glassing him.”

He stopped in front of Mamoru.

“We went for coffee, I paid; as an apology for glassing him.”

“And that was when your life changed forever~” Fumiko teasingly cooed.

But Sugawara turned to face her, “yeah…it did. That was the day I never wanted to let Daichi escape my grasp.” He was quick to realise who he was talking to, spinning on his heels to see Daichi’s family in their various positions, looking at him with inquisitive eyes. “I—I’m sorry, that probably makes me sound no better than Megumi.” He looked to the floor, fiddling with his sleeves.

“What’s wrong with wanting to keep someone as your own?” Etsuko asked, approaching him, resting her hand on his shoulder. “As long as they want it too.”

“And you opened Daichi’s heart again.” Ayame smiled, flanking his free side.

“You’re doing just fine, sweetie.”

Sugawara looked at the reflections surrounding his own through the glass; a family of his own, down at the florals adorning the floor of his butterfly house, “thank you.”

Maybe, just maybe, they were his family too.


	16. Confidence vs. Cocksurety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood Music:  
> [Spring Day by BTS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEeFrLSkMm8)  
> [Like I Did by JC Stewart](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjHpQ3VIvVY)  
> [War of Hormone by BTS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZU6EJmH8UA)

The man on screen was _not_ Daichi.

Surely not.

Sugawara hated to admit it, to even entertain the thought, but the Daichi on the screen was not the same Daichi he knew now.

He was too confident to be the Daichi he knew now.

A rich baritone timbre reverberated across the stage, into his church-home on surround sound speakers. Like a firecracker his vocals popped and burst forth with vibrancy and colour despite the song being about being evil.

_This is the life, you see  
The devil tips his hat to me!_

“Daichi _wrote_ this?”

“He did!” Etsuko cheered, clapping her hands together as she did so. “He took a performing arts diploma and one of his tasks was to write a short production and perform it.”

Sugawara watched the other actors on stage, none held a candle to Daichi’s confidence, the audience both enraptured and enthralled by every step and hidden meaning. Arms outstretched Daichi accused a woman of adultery, a broad stride forward to the accused. It was so _cliché,_ the story of a man finding his wife with another man, set in a time where the wife would be sent to the guillotine.

Yet it was also so different; the wife an innocent woman, the husband accusing her so he could run away with his mistress.

It was an interesting twist to a timeless story.

And Daichi looked _amazing_ in the period design costumes.

The way he rolled his _‘R’_ s should’ve been illegal.

Sugawara was surprised it wasn’t.

_Sharpen up the blade, boys!_

Sugawara didn’t know how much he needed the performance before now, he mentally noted to ask Etsuko where he could get a DVD too.

Everything about it was perfect, even down to the orchestra.

“How did he get an _orchestra_ to help him out?”

“It was the university’s music department,” Mamoru spoke flatly, “you might recognise one of them.”

Sugawara squinted at the footage, at that moment watching Daichi’s eyes land on one of the violin players.

Megumi.

“She was there too?!”

“She was everywhere, that’s how they met. Rehearsals were in the same arts theatre and they bumped into one another.” Fumiko pursed her lips.

“I should spit on this disk.” Ayame grumbled. “But I don’t want to lose my teeth.”

“You have false teeth, nana?”

“Goodness, no,” Ayame laughed, “but my Etsuko would be sure I needed them if I ruined her precious disks.”

“That’s right, mother.” Etsuko tittered.

_Place your bets which way the head will roll!_

A cruel twist of fate played out before them, as the viewer he knew Daichi’s character was at fault; that in stories like this they always got their comeuppance. But watching Daichi’s character push and shove as his wife lay her throat onto the block.

 _Get that damn thing off her neck,_  
I’m the head of the board,  
Now I’m bored of her head!

_“No!”_

Sugawara sucked in a breath, watching as Daichi’s character and his web of lies fell apart, confessing to his elaborate scheme and roaring for his wife to be set free.

 _“Get this damn thing off my neck, I’m the head of the board, now I’m bored of_ my _head!”_

Daichi grew animated, dancing around the stage on tiptoes and spins, singing about his head and whether any of the audience and his fellow actors had seen it, his insanity apparent on stage. Bringing his thumb along his throat as he spoke of needing a tourniquet of pearls.

And then the performance was over.

The stage faded to black.

“Wow…” Was all Sugawara could say, hearing the shutter of a camera and looking up to see Fumiko grinning with her phone in hand.

“Gotcha.”

“Aw man, you better delete that!”

“Nope~” The elder sister laughed. “I want to commemorate the day you somehow got gayer for my brother.”

Sugawara lunged forward, wrestling with her for purchase on the iPhone, always just out of reach.

Mamoru joined in, broad hands grappling Sugawara and leaving him laughing breathlessly as he wrestled with the two Sawamura siblings.

It was times like this he didn’t want to try and rekindle lost relationships; build bridges with his family.

This was his home.

These people had wholeheartedly accepted him as theirs, they were his family.

He didn’t want anyone else.

 

* * *

 

Sugawara was now understanding what Daichi had meant about feeling homesick, well, could it be considered homesick if he missed people rather than a _home?_

Etsuko and the rest of Daichi’s family had gone home two days prior and he was missing them.

He finished slicing the final segments of fruit, collecting it and putting it into the same old white bucket. He took the contents out into the butterfly house, wrestling through plumes of butterflies all homing in on the fruity treats in the container.

He laid them out for the butterflies, dividing the fruits between the different stands and platforms, watching the insects around him feed and hopefully grow.

Sugawara finished his task, placing the bucket on the floor of the exhibit and sat down beside it. He enjoyed the lull from his usually busy life, although next he’d be going up to the roof to check on the plants in the rooftop garden.

It’d been delayed by two weeks and Sugawara was _annoyed_.

A leak in the roof had meant waterlogged and dying plants from the recent cold snap and rain, so instead of introducing butterflies at this time he was still struggling to establish the right ecosystem.

It pissed him off.

So he needed this.

He lay back, a cloud of butterflies lifting from the florals under him, tickling his features and burying him under their kaleidoscopic wings.

He exhaled, lifting a butterfly up with his breath and smiling as he watched it flutter on the fake breeze.

Hopefully soon they’d have a real breeze from the rooftop gardens, the greenhouse-like structure being fitted with the highest technology for accurate external conditions.

He hoped they’d flourish there.

That’s why he had to work on fixing it.

He shot up, grabbing the bucket and brushing off the stray butterflies from his clothes, leaving the exhibit and placing the bucket on the side, he sighed.

He was missing Daichi.

Sugawara left the bucket where it was and made his way over to the staff exit.

Once back into the main room he sighed, looking at his exhibit once more.

“Hello, _Sugawara.”_

Sugawara froze, his brow furrowing as he turned to greet the owner of the voice. He felt his heart pick up pace, he _really_ hoped he was imagining things.

Upon turning around he realised he wasn’t.

“What are you doing here?”

Megumi.

She pushed off the wall she was leaning on, her body rolling as she did so. She drew nearer to him with a snarl on her lips, fists clenched at her sides, “you’ve been causing me trouble.”

God, Sugawara wanted to punch her.

For him and for Daichi.

“A shame.” Sugawara crossed his arms over his chest, cocking his hip as he bit the inside of his lip. He hoped the stance wouldn’t show his nerves, his anger—well, he wanted her to see his anger, but not his nerves.

He didn’t like the look in her eyes, a glint of menace in hazel-green. Danger.

But how dare she come into _his_ domain to present her challenge to him.

Megumi mimicked his position, narrowing her eyes in contest, “I came to warn you.”

“Let me guess,” Sugawara scoffed, trying to act aloof, although he didn’t need to pretend as his initial apprehension faded into an odd sensation of calm, “about Daichi?”

In response Megumi laughed to the ceiling, a sneer of a smirk on her lips, “he’s as harmless as he is stupid. I came to warn you about _me.”_ She approached him fully, squaring off against him and jabbing at his chest with her finger. “If you know what’s good for you, you’d back off from what’s mine.”

Sugawara’s response was instantaneous, she wanted a fight? Who would he be to refuse her?

“You’ll have to tell him to keep his hands off me, first.”

Sugawara watched her face grow red, cheeks puffing in anger. She was about to retort, until her attention faltered, eyes glued to the side of his piercing, “you’re playing a dangerous game.” She hissed, trying, and failing, to recompose herself.

He really wanted to punch her stupid face.

“As are you.” Sugawara grabbed her hand still on his chest, drawing close until their breaths mingled. “I’ll give you one warning: I’m not like Daichi.” He slapped her hand away, watching her face redden further as she startled.

Just as he thought; she wasn’t used to someone standing up against her.

“Then this means war.”

“Bring it on, Megumi. I’m not afraid of you.”

She turned to leave, looking over her shoulder, “we’ll see about that.”

_Go on, retreat._

His legs shook as he watched her retreat.

He could see why Daichi had fallen so far into her control; it was hard not to. Her goal in every conversation was simple, to make him feel small.

Sugawara felt sick at how easy it’d been for her to get into his head…how hard it was to fight against her influence.

_This means war._

That’s what she’d said, that’s what she’d get.

Although Sugawara couldn’t deny the sudden feeling of wanting to bury himself in a mother’s warm embrace, his own mother’s.

He sighed and sunk to his knees, taking the time he needed to let the anxiety leave his body.

If she wanted war, he furrowed his brows, she’d get it from him.

 

* * *

 

Sugawara descended the steps of the museum, a heaviness to his body as he finished work, his eyes stung and every footstep left him feeling more and more exhausted.

He crossed the usually pedestrianised street directly outside the museum, this late at night the bollards stopping traffic had been lowered, the street no different to any other in the city.

He reached the other side, walking through the gardens with trudging steps and looking up at the barren branches of weather-worn trees. Winter sucked.

He descended the next set of steps, remembering when he’d sent Yamato flying down them with a swift kick to his lower back and he smirked.

That’d been fun.

Down the steps he turned right, hearing the crunch of salt and grit under tyres from behind him, two headlights trained almost completely on him. He turned to see a car heading straight for him.

Shit.

He stepped back, flush against the stone wall behind him. He exhaled as the car drove past, but the air in his lungs turned to lead as he saw the driver’s face, _staring_ at him through the car window.

Yamato.

He scowled as the car turned around the corner.

So he was going to cause trouble too?

Sugawara pursed his lips, continuing on with his journey.

Had he meant to hit him?

Was it just a scare tactic?

Fuck.

Whatever it was it’d worked…

Sugawara continued on his journey, heading to the train station with his ticket ready, his legs still trembled and shook from the incident with Yamato, the possibility of being one slip away from possible death terrified him.

So this was what Megumi meant…

He fed his ticket through the barricade, collecting it from the other side and going to platform six. It was an above-ground platform, exposed to the elements and winter’s icy grasp.

Snow still lay on the tracks and surrounding area, and in all honesty, Sugawara couldn’t remember a time when there had ever been so much snow, on the ground or otherwise. It was like the curse that befell October only in January.

But then his mind moved to Daichi’s family, if it was this bad down at the city level, how bad would it be on the mountains?

For some reason Sugawara found himself looking to the tracks, which in itself wasn’t unusual if he wanted to look out for the train, but he focused more on a black waste bag, furrowing his brow as it moved.

Was it just the wind?

He tilted his head and squinted his eyes to try and get a better look at the bag, watching it stumble along the wooden sleepers and he sucked in a breath, eyes going wide.

An animal?

Shit.

He checked the direction the train would be coming from, seeing nothing but signal lights and darkness, a flurry of snowflakes falling from the sky like dust illuminated by sunlight.

He lowered himself down, jumping from the platform and onto the tracks, much to the other passenger’s surprise and concern.

“Hey, what are you doing?” An older man asked. “The train is due any minute, get off the tracks.”

Sugawara ignored him, reaching the bag and picking it up, feeling cold paws struggle for balance.

“Young man—” A female voice began.

“Jeez, leave him be.”

Sugawara froze, cradling the cold, wet plastic bag in his arms.

He turned to look at the people on the tracks, to Heisuke with his hand outstretched and offered to him.

“Get up off the tracks, you suicidal maniac.”

Sugawara warily grabbed his hand, holding the bag close to his chest with his free hand as he was hauled back onto the station platform, hearing the distant and distinct sound of the train’s horn as it began its approach.

“What are you doing here?”

“I saw your run in with the car from my apartment, I wanted to see whether you were okay and why someone tried to mount the curb to hit you.”

“Okay, that’s pretty creepy, you were watching me?” Sugawara knew the other man’s apartment was only a stone’s throw away from the gardens. Only a stone’s throw away from his walk home.

Heisuke watched him enough to know when he left the museum?

“Call me creepy all you want—”

“I will, creep.” Sugawara snatched his hand back, still not fully trusting of the other male, even if they had mostly fixed things in the library a few weeks prior.

“Don’t think you’re getting away with not telling me what’s going on with—”

“Yeah, yeah, later.” Sugawara observed the bag closely, wondering how best to open it, trying with one hand to tear the plastic.

“What’s in the bag?” Heisuke asked, leaning over Sugawara.

“I don’t know, help me open it.” Sugawara said, holding the bag firm while Heisuke ripped into it with his fingers.

A tiny mewl, a broken sound, cold and wet.

A kitten.

Sugawara sucked in another breath.

“Holy shit it’s a cat what do I do?”

“Here.” Heisuke’s hands dove into the refuse sack, lifting the small animal with broad hands and slender fingers. The kitten was small enough to be held in just one hand. “Unzip your coat.”

Sugawara did as he was told, unzipping his jacket and Heisuke pressed the kitten close to his chest.

“Wrap him up warm.”

Sugawara nodded, closing his coat around the kitten’s cold body.

“You should take him to a vet as soon as, he might not survive the night if you don’t.”

“Holy shit, Heisuke let’s go then, go get you granny-mobile!”

“G—Granny-mobile?! You mean my vespa?”

“God, could you get any gayer?” Heisuke’s smirk left Sugawara regretting his words. “Nevermind, go get your vespa.”

“Who said I was going to help you?”

“Me, now let’s go!”

“Well, then, I want an explanation, Koushi.” Heisuke bargained as they headed back up from the platform.

Sugawara cradled the kitten close to his chest, looking at Heisuke, “gee, why do you think it wasn’t just an accident?”

“Because you’re you.” Heisuke said, slipping through the barrier beside Sugawara. “And sometimes I want to hit you with a moving vehicle.”

“What? With your _vespa?”_ Sugawara snickered.

“Koushi.”

Heisuke’s tone stopped any ensuing banter.

“Alright, alright.” They exited the train station, crossing the road Yamato’s car had just driven down and heading into the directly opposing apartment building. “It’s Daichi’s ex.”

“His ex?”

“She’s jealous, wants him back. But I don’t want her to have him back.” Sugawara explained as Heisuke led him through the foyer to the basement parking lot. “So she’s declared war on me or something.”

Heisuke scoffed, “you should really pay more attention to threats like that.”

All Sugawara could do was shrug.

“Jesus, Koushi.” Heisuke hissed, finally reaching the vespa.

“Now where have I heard that before?” Sugawara began laughing.

 

* * *

 

Sugawara found himself feeling more anxious than he cared to admit as he waited in the emergency veterinarian’s office and he actually found himself grateful for Heisuke’s presence.

“Daichi was meant to be calling me tonight,” Sugawara pouted, resting his head on his hand, “but I should probably tell him I can’t do it.”

“Just do it.”

“But—”

“You’re thousands of miles from each other, take every chance you get, Koushi.” Heisuke ran his fingers through his tousled hair. “Still, I’m surprised you’ve decided to settle down with just one guy. What changed?”

Sugawara went quiet, he knew exactly why, but was he ready to admit it?

“He…was just as afraid as me.”

“Afraid?”

“Commitment.”

Sugawara could see the other man’s posture change, elaborating further. “I’m afraid of laying myself bare for someone, he’s afraid of the same thing. The last time he did got him seriously hurt…and what happened to him is what makes me afraid to open up.” He crossed his arms over his chest, slumping in his seat. “But out of the two of us, he’s braver than he’ll ever give himself credit for.”

“Koushi…”

“I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want kind words, I—” Heisuke’s hand found its way to Sugawara’s fingers lacing together. “Heisuke—” Sugawara warned.

“Shut up.”

Sugawara did as he was told.

“You’re braver than you think.” Pressure on his hand and then cold as Heisuke’s hand moved from his. “Your phone’s lit up.”

“Really—shit.” Sugawara fumbled to pick up the device, accepting the video call from Daichi. “Hey!”

The connection was spotty for several seconds.

_“—ey.”_

He sounded tired.

“You okay?”

 _Yeah,”_ Daichi’s face twisted _, “where are you?”_

“Oh, at the vets.” Sugawara said matter-of-factly. “Found a kitten on my way home so me and Heisuke brought it to the clinic.”

_“Heisuke?”_

“Hello, Daichi,” Heisuke spoke, shifting in his seat so he was in view of the camera, close to Sugawara, “how’s Europe?”

_“I—”_

“Hey! That was meant to be _my_ question.” Sugawara shoved at the older man. “Daichi! How’s Europe?”

_“Uh, it’s okay? We’re in Germany until tomorrow night—”_

_“Sawa-chan where’s my towel?!”_

_“Ugh, hang on,”_ Daichi turned away from the camera _, “have you checked the closet?”_

_“Of course I have.”_

Sugawara snickered, listening into the conversation with amusement, “hey Oikawa!”

 _“Suga-chan!”_ Suddenly there was a flash of skin, a peek of something Sugawara didn’t particularly want to see. _“Sawa-chan is being mean.”_

Sugawara laughed, covering his eyes to shield his vision, “Jesus Oikawa, put some pants on.”

Daichi’s face said it all.

Burning cheeks.

Lips pressed tight in grimace.

Eyes lacking the light of life.

_Kill me._

Sugawara couldn’t contain his crippling laughter, guffawing until he was wheezing.

“Koushi, your boyfriend froze.”

He stopped, “b—boyfriend?”

“Isn’t that what you call someone you’re _dating?”_

“We haven’t…we’re not—”

“Puh-lease.” Heisuke spat. “You hug, you kiss, label or not you’re dating. That makes you boyfriends.”

Sugawara remained silent, looking down at the screen and to Daichi’s frozen features. The connection lagging enough to stop him from ending the call.

He print-screened the shot, snickering as he did so.

“Blackmail material.”

Heisuke sighed, “some things never change.”

“Sugawara Koushi?”

Sugawara looked up at the call of his name, “yeah?”

“He’s stable.”

He’d never felt lighter.

 

* * *

 

Daichi grimaced as the phone lost connection, only one thing on his mind as he looked down at the device.

Heisuke was there with Sugawara.

Heisuke…

“Sawa-chan?” Oikawa flopped back onto the bed beside him. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit.”

Daichi sighed, looking at the phone one last time before closing his eyes and resting his arm over his face. “You saw that guy next to him?”

“The old one?”

Daichi hummed, “he’s Suga’s ex.”

“Holy shit Suga-chan, sugar daddy much?”

He scowled at his friend, the other growing quiet, “he’s the former curator at the museum.”

“Waaait, so Suga-chan got his job?”

“Yeah.”

“That must’ve caused a lot of…tension in the bedroom.”

“I don’t know all that much about that, but I can imagine it was the reason they split.” Daichi theorised, staring blankly at the ceiling. “I hate how it makes me feel uneasy.”

Oikawa pursed his lips, taking up residence in Daichi’s vision, “you don’t have anything to worry about, I—”

_“Your friend is right.”_

The pair startled thanks to the new voice, looking at Daichi’s phone.

“Heisuke?”

 _“Unfortunately.”_ The other spoke with a monotony.

“How did you—”

_“It never hung up, just froze.”_

Fair enough.

“Where’s Suga?”

 _“With the vet, he left his phone with me in case connection restored.”_ Heisuke looked tired, but in a different way to how Daichi felt. _“You don’t need to worry about Koushi.”_

“I—”

_“He really likes you, and I know when I’m beat. I won’t be pursuing him anymore.”_

“Wait, Heisuke, I—”

_“Although, I will say if you haven’t seen the tattoo on his back yet? You should definitely check it out.”_

The line went dead, and Daichi filled with dread… a tattoo?

What kind of tattoo?

“Did you know Suga-chan had a tattoo?”

“Not a clue.” Daichi mumbled, looking at the phone screen with a furrowed brow. “Should I call him back?”

“Text him and ask him to call you when he gets home.”

Daichi nodded, looking down as he teased the strings of his sweatpants between his fingers, “okay.”

 

* * *

 

“Thanks for all your help, Heisuke.” Sugawara said, looking at the business card in his hand. “It means a lot to know you were there.”

“Don’t mention it, Koushi,” Heisuke replied, fixing his helmet back onto his head as he looked at the other man, “but get inside, the kitten is safe with them.”

“Yardstick.”

“Yardstick?”

“That’s his name.”

“Koushi, don’t name things, you’ll get attached.”

“I found him, I’m gonna name him, and when he’s well enough to go to a home he’s coming here with me.” Sugawara crossed his arms over his chest and pouted.

Heisuke clicked his tongue, rolling his eyes, “stubborn.”

_“Creep.”_

“Goodnight Koushi!” Heisuke called over Sugawara’s insult.

“Night.” Sugawara grinned, heading inside his church home.

He made his way to the stairs, basking in the glow of the moonlight through stained glass windows, he rooted through his pocket for his phone, looking at the screen and seeing a text from Daichi.

_[[Daichi: Call me when youre home.]]_

How could he refuse that?

He unlocked his phone and found Daichi’s contact, listening to the bubbly ring as the two devices connected.

_“Suga!”_

“Hey, Daichi!” Sugawara smiled, ignoring the exhaustion in his body. “What time is it over there?”

_“Almost 8 a.m., we have one last bookstore this morning and then we’re moving onto Italy. You? It must be nearly eleven?”_

Sugawara hummed, feeling Daichi voice relax his every muscle, becoming steeped in it and feeling a sense of calm wash over him, “eleven p.m. in five minutes.”

_“Try get an early night tonight, Suga, don’t do another last night.”_

Sugawara laughed, “you can’t tell me what to do, you ain’t my dad.”

_“But what if I was?”_

A guffaw as he unlocked his apartment door, balancing his phone between his ear and his shoulder. “Don’t make it weird.”

_“What? You don’t like weird, kiddo?”_

“OhmiGod.”

 _“Yeah, you’re right,”_ Daichi chuckled softly, _“that is weird.”_

Sugawara looked down in grimace, lips pressing tight.

He missed him.

“Hey, Daichi,” he started, the line going quiet, “I, uh, I’m sorry about Heisuke, I found a kitten and he offered to take me the vets.”

Daichi scoffed, _“don’t apologise. Is the kitten okay?”_

“Yeah, I named him Yardstick.”

_“Yardstick?”_

“He only has three feet.”

He heard the other man snicker, a soft noise that was wholly amused by the choice of name and the word play associated with it. It made his heart flutter.

 _“That’s cute.”_ Sugawara fell backward onto the sofa, landing on the plush fabric _. “You’re gonna keep him?”_

“Yeah.” Staring at his ceiling he could feel the loneliness creeping in thanks to the ensuing silence on the other end of the line. “Hey…Daichi?”

_“Yeah?”_

“I know we said no spoilers…” He said, cursing the tremble to his voice, “but will Yuuna be okay?”

Silence.

 _“Uh…define_ okay.”

“Will she die?”

_“Suga, I—”_

“Just answer, will she die?”

_“No, I mean, I haven’t thought that far ahead, but Yuuna, Archie, and Teddy are my main characters, I won’t kill them off without a good reason, and right now I don’t have a good reason.”_

Sugawara knew what he was doing, trying to remain vague enough to not spoil the story while also trying to reassure him, it did help, but only a little.

“I still lowkey hate you for what you did to Smithy.”

_“He…appeared in one scene.”_

“One scene is all it takes!” That had Daichi laughing. “I’m serious!”

_“Just remember, whatever happens, I live for ‘no body, no death’.”_

It took Sugawara just seconds to realise, “wait—Smithy—”

 _“I gotta go, speak to you soon.”_ Daichi spoke quickly. _“Miss you.”_

“No fair, Sawamura Daichi!” Sugawara whined, laughing into the crook of his arm. “Miss you too.”

The line went dead and Sugawara pouted at the device.

 

* * *

 

Sugawara carried the tray of food and drink over to the table he’d been sat at, “it’s so good to see you again, Kiyo!”

“What about me, uncle Suga?”

“You too, Eiji!” He said, placing the tray on the table between himself and Kiyoko, siting down in the museum café with his cousin and her son.

“It’s good to see you too, Koushi.” Kiyoko smiled, taking her son’s juice and chocolate cookie from the tray and placing them in front of him. Ever impatient the infant was quick to reach for the sweet treat. “Eiji,” Kiyoko warned, “napkin first.” She set a napkin down over his lap and then gave him the nod. “It’s been a long time, Koushi, how have you been?”

Sugawara took his own drink from the tray and settled back in the plush seat, “I’ve had an interesting few months.” He grinned.

“Interesting how?” Kiyoko asked, taking a bite from her éclair.

“Well, I finally got clearance for the butterfly house, that’s opening soon.” Sugawara beamed with pride, taking a bite out of a donut. “And I’m kinda, like, serious about this guy.”

He watched Kiyoko’s expression change, eyes widening just slightly.

 _Seriously? Not just as a hook up?_ It said.

“I’ve been pursuing him for about five months now, and he recently started biting back.” He broke into another face-splitting, ear to ear grin.

“I’m proud of you,” Kiyoko smiled, beaming in her own, elder cousin way, “you’re taking a big step and I’m so proud. Tell me more about him?”

“Okay, well,” Sugawara’s speech quickened, “his name is Sawamura Daichi—”

“Wait, as in _the_ Sawamura Daichi?”

“Uh huh!” He nodded excitedly. “The very same! And to think I had _no_ idea until December.”

“Oh, I see,” Kiyoko seemed to subdue, “and what else can you tell me about him? Are you allowed to tell me?”

Sugawara pursed his lips and exhaled, “pfft, of course!” He paused for breath, “he’s super sweet, his ex is a bitch but Daichi is such a little gentleman, he holds the doors open for little old ladies—for anyone! He gives up his seat on public transport for anyone who looks like they need it, and he forgave me for glassing him.”

 _“Koushi!”_ Kiyoko hissed, almost dropping her coffee as her eyes flew wide and posture straightened, “you did _what?”_

“I…uh, I glassed him.”

“I can’t believe you— _Koushi!_ Do people know you did that?”

Sugawara shrugged and smiled, “I mean, a few are gonna know, everyone who watched the press release, I guess.”

“That was you?!”

“Yep!” Sugawara grinned.

“I don’t believe you…” Kiyoko sighed.

Sugawara looked at Eiji, the child also looking up at him with a knowing twitch of his lips, “believe it!” They both shouted, the statement melting into giggles. “Still into Naruto, huh, kid?”

“Uh huh!” Eiji grinned, finishing his cookie.

Sugawara’s eyes moved to the blonde bob entering the café and he waved her over. “Hitoka!”

Yachi startled and looked around, eyes landing on his and she waved back. He watched her purchase her own drink and a healthier alternative to the table’s cakes of choice before walking over, breathlessly greeting him, “hey Suga!”

Her eyes landed on Kiyoko.

“Hey Hitoka!” Sugawara smirked, “take a seat! This is my cousin Kiyoko and her son Eiji.”

“A—Are you sure?”

“Yeah! The more the merrier.”

Yachi hesitated only momentarily, sitting down opposite Eiji as Sugawara pulled the chair out for her.

“Thank you.”

“And Kiyoko, Eiji, this is Yachi Hitoka, she works on the fifth floor with the Romans and Egyptian Mummies!”

Sugawara watched Eiji’s eyes light up at the mention of the former civilisation, “I wanna go! Do you have a Caesar?”

“Oh!” Yachi perked up, leaning forward to talk to the young child. “We do!”

Sugawara smiled at Kiyoko across the table, about to start his next topic of conversation – Eiji’s birthday – when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Suga, there’s someone on the phone for you at central desk.” The receptionist said.

The whole table glanced at him.

A phone call for him?

Odd.

Daichi.

What if something had happened?

“Alright, I’m coming,” his statement sent the receptionist scurrying away, he turned to the table as he stood, “I’ll be back.”

He crossed the café floor, out into the atrium and across to the central desk.

He took the phone from the receptionist, “family emergency.” She tutted sympathetically.

Family emergency?

But he hadn’t spoken to his family in five years…

He brought the phone to his ear, “hello?” cursing the tremor in his voice.

_“Sugawara.”_

His blood ran cold.

He’d recognise that nasal sneer anywhere.

Megumi.

He felt stupid.

“Megumi.”

He’d fallen hook, line, and sinker for the prospect of talking to his family.

She remained silent, “what did you want?” He demanded.

 _“To warn you,”_ she paused _, “watch you back tonight, Koushi~”_ She almost sing-songed, her tone and words sending a shiver vaulting up Sugawara’s spine.

How did Daichi deal with this day in and day out? For six whole years?

How?

“Are you watching yours?” He lowered his voice.

_“What?”_

“Watch your own back before you tell me to watch mine.” He grinned. “Who knows what might happen if you don’t.”

_“Is that a threat?”_

“I don’t know; is it?” Sugawara scowled, slamming the phone down onto the set and ending the call. “Bitch.”

But her words rang through his mind, _watch your back._

Suddenly he didn’t feel so good.

He felt strangely numb returning to Kiyoko and Eiji’s table. Yachi was still talking animatedly to Eiji and Sugawara smiled.

“Hey, Eiji! Why don’t we go and see the Romans?” He asked, gaining a questioning glance, but no objection, from Kiyoko.

“Yeah!” He jumped up from his seat.

“Let’s go!”

“Yeah! Let’s go Yachi-san!”

Sugawara raced the young child, waiting at the elevator for Kiyoko and Yachi before the four went up to the fifth floor.

Sure enough it was exactly how Sugawara planned, Eiji gripped Yachi’s hands tight and took her into the exhibit, Kiyoko and himself walking behind them.

“Who was on the phone?”

He couldn’t tell her what dating Daichi had meant for him now, no way could he do that, “uh, it was about the butterfly exhibit. They wanted to check the leak hadn’t reopened.”

“I see…”

“Mum, look!” Eiji came over with a wax tablet in hand, his name written in scrawl underneath Yachi’s sloping, neat handwriting.

Kiyoko beamed with pride, kneeling to his level and hugging her son tightly, “well done!”

Sugawara wanted that too.

He pursed his lips sourly, watching the interaction.

He wanted that with his own mother.

He’d achieved so much, he wanted that praise and pride from his own parents…

But they’d never know of the things he’d accomplished, because he never let them in.

“Koushi…what’s bothering you?”

“Nothing!” He was quick to defend, posture straightening in a defensive position.

“Koushi…”

He sighed, deflating, “how is everyone?”

“Everyone?” Sugawara couldn’t blame his cousin for her confusion at the question, he didn’t ask about his family as a matter of principle. Not once in five years did he ask about them.

He’d made his bed…

He was sure that Kiyoko thought he was cutting himself away from the family and distancing himself from them, but that was only half of it. The other half consisted of gut wrenching and nauseating fear they’d moved on.

That he’d been forgotten.

“The family.”

“Oh,” Kiyoko’s voice was soft as she looked down, hair slipping over his shoulder to pool around her face, “uhm, auntie misses you,” she almost whispered, fixing her glasses, “and granny Lil had a fall before Christmas, but she’s okay now, back at work at the hospital and stuff.”

“I’m sorry to hear that…” Sugawara looked down at his coffee. “Still a midwife?”

Kiyoko hummed, “yeah, she could retire, but she loves working there…uncle is recovering well.”

“Recovering?” His stomach rolled, recovering from what?

“They finally fitted a prosthetic leg,” Kiyoko said, “he was injured at work.”

Sugawara’s stomach dropped.

“I see…”

He’d missed so much…

“They know about today,” Kiyoko paused, reaching into the tote bag over her shoulder, “they wanted me to give you these…”

Sugawara was greeted by a cardboard box with double chocolate chip cookies inside. His mother’s homemade cookies…

“In the past you’ve never accepted them,” Sugawara could feel everything from his childhood in that box, nostalgia came flooding back to him, “but I couldn’t say no to them.”

Accepting these…it could be his way forward to bridging the gap he was sorely noticing since seeing Daichi and his family.

He wanted that too…

He’d had so little success in trying to find them, he’d searched directories at the library, looked for them in the street, he was almost close to starting a social media appeal.

He reached out and took the box from Kiyoko.

“Thank you.”

She smiled, “no, thank you, Koushi.”

 

* * *

 

Sugawara cradled the box of cookies close to his chest as he finished up inside the butterfly exhibit, he looked out at the empty third floor through the glass, retreating to the backroom and filing away final documentation in the staff back-entry before giving the room one last sweeping glance.

What?

He moved closer to the butterfly house where he’d just been, the piece of paper stuck to the glass made his heart begin to speed up, drawing close enough to read the writing Sugawara’s blood turned to lead and froze in his veins.

_We’re watching you._

It wasn’t signed, but it didn’t have to be.

Megumi.

Sugawara swallowed around the thick lump in his throat, exhaling slowly and shakily.

How did she get in?

He’d just been in the butterfly exhibit; he was in the backroom for no more than five minutes.

_How?_

His skin was covered in gooseflesh as he rubbed along his arms in an attempt to rid himself of the chill that’d suddenly overcome his body.

“Scared yet?”

Sugawara spun on his heels, eyes widening at the sight of Yamato on the other side of the room, “the museum’s closed. Please leave.”

How hadn’t he seen him?

How?

Howhow _how?_

He wanted to scream for being so careless.

A bark of a laugh, “I’m not going anywhere.” Yamato cracked his knuckles, the noise almost echoing in the empty room.

The sound kicked Sugawara into overdrive.

“And I always wanted to repay you for kicking me down the stairs!”

“You’ll have to catch me first!” Sugawara bolted.

He dropped the cookies, grabbing the door handles and tugging them open. The doors swinging back on their hinges and hitting the walls inside the bug floor.

“Hey!”

Yamato was already on his heels.

Fuck.

Sugawara took the stairs two at a time, hand skimming along the handrail as he went, breath coming in harsh pants. He felt his ankle strain, but it didn’t stop him.

Down to the second floor, continuing to the first, he jumped the last seven steps to the atrium and ground floor, stumbling and rolling out of Yamato’s way.

“Get back here!”

Sugawara regained his balance, pushing off the ground and running out into the street. His legs pumped as hard as they could, stride as long as he could manage as he rushed into the park opposite the museum.

“Su~ga~wara~” Yamato singsonged and Sugawara hid behind a tree.

He held his breath as the other man walked past his position.

Only after ten minutes of silence did Sugawara finally re-emerge and continue with his journey home, albeit on shaking legs and trembling feet.

Fuck…

Why was he doing this?

He held his middle as nausea rolled through him like a freight train, descending the steps he’d kicked Yamato down and made his way onto the street.

He didn’t make it far, however, before the beep of a car horn had him turning to see two headlights focused on him.

“Shit.”

_Watch your back._

He hadn’t been watching his back.

Just as before the car swerved last second and redirected to the road, Sugawara breathed a sigh of relief as he watched Yamato come around a corner, he also steeled his resolve.

Fuck it.

If they wanted a war he’d give them one.

He was the man who’d blackmailed a woman into giving him a million dollars.

Slept with a married man.

Took a knife to the bed.

This would be just another notch on his belt of outrageous things he’d done.

War with a crazy ex-partner?

He’d wanted it to be one of his; but this was fine too.

Upon crossing the road he glanced down the road that Yamato had driven down, seeing his car parked up and an idea that, in hindsight wouldn’t be a good one, came to mind.

Trash the car.

He waited for a break in the traffic before charging forward, running across the street at the car and extended his leg forward. The wing mirror flew across the floor, the metal clanking as it bounced twice. He nailed Yamato with a glare through the driver’s side window before he rounded on the front of the car.

“Sure would be a shame if someone wrecked your car!” He glowered, reaching for the extended Jaguar hood ornament and yanking it off, lashing it at the windshield and chipping the glass extensively, the metal ornament pinging off of the glass and into the street.

“Hey!” Yamato shouted, rearing around the vehicle in pursuit of Sugawara.

It wasn’t a part of his plan, but then again, he’d never been good at sticking to plans.

He waited until Yamato was close enough, furrowing his brow and glaring through pewter lashes as he closed the distance between them.

He grabbed Yamato’s shirt sleeves, using his sudden control to fling the man against the side of the car.

“Sonovabitch!” Yamato roared, taking a fistful of Sugawara’s hair and trying to lift him off with very little success.

“I quite like a bit of hair pulling.” Sugawara confessed, spooking Yamato into letting go and he flung his fist at the other man’s face.

He heard the satisfying crunch of bone against his knuckles, adrenaline singing its tune in his veins as he stepped forward, growing cocky in his attacks as he roundhouse kicked at Yamato.

He totally had him overpowered.

This guy was all talk.

_Hah!_

A foot collided with his stomach, winding him and sending him to his knees.

“You fucker.” Yamato spat, hands threading into Sugawara’s hair once more. “You fucking fucker.” He tugged Sugawara up to his feet before forcing him to bow forward. Next Yamato’s knee collided with Sugawara’s face, the latter knowing he’d be left with a mark or bruise by the morning.

Sugawara felt sick, the attack making it nearly impossible to draw a breath and his ears rang until all other noise had been silenced, but he realised he was in an opportune position.

His face level with Yamato’s waist.

A _perfect position._

He wasn’t afraid to play dirty.

The ringing in his ears had begun to subside and he grew sure of himself once more.

He scoffed, “let me go.”

“No way, not happening, you piece of shit.”

“Then don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

He brought his hand into a fist, swinging at Yamato’s crotch and hitting dead centre.

“You fucking—!”

Yamato’s hold released and Sugawara booked it towards the train station, leaving the other man on the floor.

He ran and ran as fast as he could, a long stride making it easy to outrun the keeled over other man. He disappeared into the train station, taking the barrier with his ticket and rushing onto the above-ground tracks.

“Fuck…” he panted, doubling over to catch his breath, he swallowed around the feeling of bile in his throat and looked towards the trainline, looking right to see if his train was nearly due. The LED sign lit up with his train, the sound of the horn around the corner finally filling him with ease.

The train stopped at the station and Sugawara boarded, nestling himself away in a booth, ducking his head as the reality of what he’d done began to sink in.

“Oh man…now I’ve done it…”

He sat in silence for what felt like forever before his phone began to vibrate with a call.

“Hello?” He answered the unknown number warily, falling silent as the person on the other end asked to speak to him, “speaking.”

It was the veterinarian.

Yardstick was well enough to come home.


	17. Wartime Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood Music:  
> [Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Set It Off ft. William Beckett](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ln6_c0mWQUc)  
> [Fire by BTS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ujQOR2DMFM)  
> [Misery Business by Paramore](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCyGvGEtOwc)

“Thanks for letting me stay with you.” Sugawara said, carrying his bags to the elevator with Iwaizumi’s help.

“Not a problem, I’m minding Edgar anyway so the company’s welcome, what made you wanna come here?”

“I’m having trouble with Megumi.” Sugawara pressed the button for the tenth floor. “I don’t feel safe on my own. She’s messing with my head, like, big time.”

“I see…” Iwaizumi muttered, “she sounds like a right piece of work.”

“Believe me, she is.”

“And how did you end up with a shiner like that?” Iwaizumi motioned to Sugawara’s eye.

“I, uh, kinda got into a fight with Yamato.”

“You mean Daichi’s crazy ex’s boyfriend?”

“Yeah, he kept trying to run me over so I smashed up his car and then we had a fight, no biggie.”

Iwaizumi fell silent as they left the elevator behind, two suitcases in tow.

“You know Daichi’s gonna kill you.”

“Sssh, when he Skype’s me tonight I need your help distracting him.” Sugawara looked pointedly at the other.

“How?” Iwaizumi unlocked the door.

“I dunno, keep me facing away from the camera.”

“Why don’t you just say you’ll voice call him?”

“Because then he’ll know something’s wrong.” Sugawara argued his case, heading inside and being greeted by Edgar’s loud caw and a flurry of black wings. “Edgar! Oh, Iwaizumi! This reminds me,” Sugawara grinned, “I gotta go pick up a little fellow today; his name is Yardstick. Think Edgar will be alright with him?”

“I…I’m not sure. Who’s Yardstick?”

“A three-footed cat.”

“Suga, that’s cruel, you called a three-footed cat _Yardstick?”_

“Yeah! It’s not cruel, it’s creative genius!” Sugawara grinned again, petting the bird nestled on his shoulder. “I get to pick him up at five tonight, another reason to stay at Daichi’s all day.”

“Because _all day_ needs to have two suitcases and a travel bag.” Iwaizumi set the suitcase by the front door and Sugawara did the same.

“I like to be _prepared.”_

 _“Prepared_ my ass.”

“Okay, okay,” Sugawara submitted, “I just…I don’t like how she’s getting into my head. Is this what she was like with Daichi? Because I don’t know how he did this for six years…”

He could see Iwaizumi’s expression, troubled and furrowed brows, “I know some of the things she did, but not everything. I think he’s told Tooru, though…”

“I don’t think even I know everything.” Sugawara confessed.

“He’ll tell you eventually.”

Sugawara wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the secrets Daichi still concealed; but if the time came when Daichi wanted to tell him, then he’d listen.

 

* * *

 

“Iwaizumi!”

Sugawara looked up to the door of Daichi’s apartment, to the knocking that followed the call of Iwaizumi’s name.

Iwaizumi wasn’t here, he’d gone out.

Should Sugawara turn her away?

Invite her in?

He stood up, walking to the door and opening it up, “hello?”

The woman that greeted him was heavily pregnant, brown hair framing her rounded face as a small _oh_ escaped her lips, “is Iwaizumi there?”

“No, uh,” who was she? “He went out earlier, can I help at all? I’m Sugawara Koushi.” He extended his hand for her in greeting.

She shook his hand in return, taking him by surprise at just how firm her grip was, strength evident in her every move, “Michi—Ikejiri Yui,” she was quick to correct, “sorry,” she proudly displayed the ring on her finger, “I’m not quite used to saying it yet.” She laughed, the sound melodic yet there was a hidden dirty cackle in the sound. “This isn’t how I expected to meet you.”

“Huh?” Sugawara realised who he was talking to; a pregnant woman; and he was making her stand outside the room as if she wasn’t ready to burst. “Oh, sorry, come in, Yui.” He opened the door wider and invited her inside, Yui taking his invitation and walking into the apartment.

“Thank you, and you’re Suga, correct?”

“Y—Yes, that’s me.”

“I’ve heard a lot about you from Daichi,” she smiled, leaving a carrier bag on the countertop, “I brought this for Iwaizumi but if he’d not here then you’re welcome to it.”

“Oho? What is it?”

“Spaghetti and meatballs.”

Sugawara laughed, “Iwaizumi loses out.” He ran to the counter and unwrapping the still warm food. “Can I get you a drink?”

“Oh, no thank you,” Yui smiled, “I’ve just had one at home.”

“You live in the apartment complex?” Sugawara asked, taking a fork from the drawer and making his way back over to where Yui was now sat down on the couch. He sat beside her and crossed his legs.

“Yeah, I live in the apartment below Daichi’s.” Yui said, smiling.

Sugawara twisted spaghetti onto his fork, eating the mouthful of food and nodding in his understanding and approval, “this is so good! Kinda reminds me of Daichi’s.”

“It should, it’s my recipe he has.” Yui giggled.

“So you guys are close?”

She hummed, “me and his ex were friends; but I stuck to Daichi when they split.”

 _“Wait_ , you were friends with Megumi?”

“Ahh, so you know about her?”

“Know about her?” Sugawara repeated, shoving a meatball into his mouth along with some of the melted cheese now stuck to the pasta. “The bitch is crazy!”

“I know, right?” Yui scoffed.

“Seriously,” Sugawara swallowed his food, “she’s out to get me.”

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Yui sighed, “in her eyes you stopped her from getting Daichi back.”

“She wanted him back?”

A hum, “she tried to get me to help her, but I can’t stand her and refused.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why don’t you like her?”

“Because of what she did to Daichi…and she got sterilised knowing full well I couldn’t conceive naturally, _just_ to keep Daichi around. It was a part of her plan to control his movement.”

“Holy shit, what the fuck?” Sugawara couldn’t believe what he’d just heard, although some part of him could believe it. “She did _what_ to Daichi?”

“It was, sorta, like her way to control him? She knew he wanted a family so this whole time he thought she couldn’t have kids. He stayed with her to comfort her and keep trying; they’d get there eventually. The truth was they never would because she’d got sterilised.”

“I hate her.” Sugawara spoke through gritted teeth, clenching until his jaw hurt. “I actually hate her guts, what the fuck! Does he know the truth now?”

“I don’t know…”

“Ugh, what a bitch!”

“Yeah, I stopped hanging around with her after that.”

“I can see why…” Sugawara agreed, his anger abating just slightly, there was no point in being angry around a pregnant woman, “my main beef is with her new boyfriend, but I wouldn’t hesitate to smack her if the chance arose.”

“Yamato?”

“Yeah, that guy.” Sugawara continued to eat the food Yui had brought for Iwaizumi, “he gave me this black eye.”

Yui gasped, “I was wondering how that happened but I didn’t want to ask.”

“There’s your answer,” Sugawara laughed, “Yamato and I got into a fight and I wrecked his car.”

Yui laughed, “ohmygosh how?”

“Ripped the wing mirror and hood ornament off, I actually went that way yesterday to pick something up and the ornament was still there so I picked it up.” He placed the empty bowl on the coffee table and made his way to Daichi’s room where he’d stayed the night before with Yardstick.

He reached for the ornament on Daichi’s beside and headed back out to Yui, “here it is, a Jag hood ornament.”

“Ohmygosh,” she gasped again, giggling, “I can’t believe you did that.”

“Well you should, because I totally did.” Sugawara grinned.

“I think we’re going to get on great.”

“Me too,” Sugawara laughed, “but what about you? When is the baby due?”

Yui’s hands immediately flew to her stomach, rubbing over the bump there, “just under three weeks.”

“Wow…that’s close.” Sugawara gasped, “are you excited?”

“Honestly the nerves are starting to set in now.”

“I can imagine, but you’ll do great!”

“You think so?”

“Definitely!” Sugawara grinned.

Yui smiled, “thank you. So Daichi told me you work at the museum.”

“Yeah!” Sugawara grinned, his smile growing when he heard the patter of tiny paws along Daichi’s laminate flooring and the black kitten approaching his feet. “I’m the curator for the bug house and creator of the butterfly exhibit.” He picked Yardstick up and situated the kitten in his lap.

“That’s incredible, how old are you?”

“Twenty-four.” Sugawara smiled, tickling under Yardstick’s chin.

“Even more incredible! So accomplished but still so young,” Yui cooed, “I used to be in the military.”

“Oh?”

“Army. Hand to hand combat specialist.”

“Wow!” Sugawara laughed, “remind me to never get on your bad side!”

Yui laughed too, settling further against the back of the sofa, “damn right.”

“I’m surprised Megumi got on your bad side with a background like yours.”

Yui hummed, “she has a way of getting into your head.”

“You too?”

“Yup…” Yui looked down at her hands in her lap, “she got me good.”

“Can I ask what happened?” Sugawara asked.

She sighed, whole body slackening whilst also tensing, “she made me think that I couldn’t survive without her friendship, that she was the only reason I could do anything. She has this… _way_ of dragging you down, making you feel small and insignificant and grateful that she’d even grace you with her presence.”

“But you’re ex-military.”

“So what?” Yui returned. “I’m still human. You could argue that Daichi’s a man, he can’t be abused because men don’t get abused.”

“But he’s only human.”

“But he’s only human.” They said together.

“Megumi has a sister, you could argue she had it as bad as Daichi did, growing up.”

Sugawara remembered back to Daichi’s birthday, to Rin, “yeah…I met her. Rin, right?”

Yui hummed, “she’s had it bad.”

“I can imagine…”

They fell into silence and Sugawara quietly contemplated the things he was learning about Megumi.

She was evil.

 

* * *

 

Sugawara cursed the train as it jostled him mid-swipe, using his finger he smudged the concealer from his cheek, reapplying along his cheekbone.

Kuroo was back from his holiday with Kenma today, and he wouldn’t be happy with Sugawara’s black eye.

Yui had let him borrow her concealer and even shown him how to apply it, he swirled the makeup in a clockwise motion until it was fully blended. He inspected his work in his phone screen, happy with it he nodded to himself.

Considering it was his first try since university it’d have to do.

He tucked the makeup away into his pocket, reclining in his seat and resting his head on his hand, elbow on the rim of the window. He closed his eyes, succumbing to the tiredness from his restless nights and allowing himself to relax with a sigh.

He’d had to run home from Daichi’s earlier that morning, he’d forgotten his identification pass for the museum staff room, no way was her relying on other people to let him in and out all day.

The tanoy crackled to life, a polite woman’s voice announcing his station and he shot up, walking to the train doors and waiting for the train to stop.

Upon stopping, the doors opened and Sugawara stepped out onto the platform, yawning.

“Suga!”

Oh no.

Not yet.

He wasn’t ready.

“Tetsu!”

Kuroo had tanned nicely, his skin olive and healthy looking, making Sugawara seem even paler by comparison. His eyes immediately narrowed, “what’s going on with your face?”

SHIT.

“I, uh—”

“It’s not like you to wear makeup, much less like you to wear it so…patchy.” Kuroo scowled as Sugawara moved to walk in front of him. “Why is it only around your eye?”

Sugawara bit his lip, “I think you know.”

“Darn right,” Kuroo increased his stride to catch up, “you got into a fight, didn’t you?”

“Stellar deduction, Sherlock.”

“Suga, stop kidding around, who did you get into a fight with?”

Sugawara’s index fingers pressed together and he turned to face Kuroo, “Yamato.”

“Yamato?”

Oh, right.

Kuroo didn’t know who Yamato was.

“Yamato is Daichi’s ex’s boyfriend.”

“Suga…” Kuroo warned, “why would you do that?”

They made their way from the station, through the barriers and out onto the train station plateau.

“He tried to run me over!”

“What?!”

“The bastard tried to run me over twice, so I wrecked his car and we had a fight.”

“What the fuck did you do to get someone trying to hit you with their _car?”_

“Nothing!” Sugawara was quick to defend himself. “Apparently all I gotta do is love Daichi and—” His hands slapped over his mouth and he looked at Kuroo with something akin to mild distress.

Kuroo looked just as surprised, “love, eh?”

Sugawara buried his head in his hands, Kuroo pulling his sleeve to avoid walking into a young woman.

“Don’t tell him I said that.” Sugawara peeked through his fingers at the other man.

“Secret’s safe with me,” Kuroo said and Sugawara exhaled, lowering his hands, “but I want to—Suga?”

Sugawara was frozen, looking at the young woman they’d just passed.

“That’s—”

“Suga?”

“Th—That’s her.”

“Who?

“Megumi.”

He looked at Kuroo, the pair looking back at the woman with curled black hair. Sugawara realised his mistake moments later – mistaken identity.

A part of him felt relief, another felt fear.

Had she really infected him that deeply?

“Oh, nevermind,” he spoke with an embarrassed tone, “I must’ve just been seeing things?”

“Suga…are you sleeping?”

The short answer? “No. She’s everywhere.”

Kuroo looked perplexed, “Suga, what happened while I was gone?”

Sugawara looked around, eyes landing on Heisuke’s apartment and he noticed the other man in the window. A wave later and he turned back to Kuroo, “not here.”

He gripped his hand and they practically sprinted through the park, by now the panic was too much.

Heart racing.

Thoughts dizzying.

Breath coming too fast.

His reactions too slow.

What if Yamato came flying around that corner in his car? Would he be able to dodge?

Once in the museum Sugawara immediately went to the stairs, taking Kuroo up the six floors to the space and time exhibit.

“She’s everywhere.”

“Who? Megumi?”

“Yeah.” Sugawara sunk into a quiet corner of the planetarium, Kuroo sitting on the floor beside him. “She approached me on my floor and declared war, like, legit, she declared a war on me because I wouldn’t back away from Daichi. But the mind games, ohmyGod the mind games, Tetsu, she gets into your head. Yamato nearly hit me with his car twice, and—and, she called the museum pretending to be my family; a family emergency—”

“Suga, Suga, breathe.”

Sugawara took a shaky breath, trying to steady the tremble to his hands, he gripped his wrists and shrunk in on himself, foetal position, “she left a note in my exhibit, like, a threatening note. But I was in there. I was _in my exhibit_ and I didn’t see her do it.”

He could see the look on Kuroo’s face and immediately his heart sank. “What are you thinking?”

The hesitation was only momentary.

“Do you feel that Sawamura is worth all this?”

“Of course!” Sugawara was quick to rile up. “I’m not quitting now!”

“Have you told the police?”

“No…” Sugawara looked down, “don’t wanna, because I’ve done wrong too.”

“Are you sure? Because this is getting scary. I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you.”

“I know, I know.” Sugawara ran his shaking fingers through ashen strands. “But I need to get back at her, show her that messing with me will do nothing good for her.”

“That’s the Suga I know and love,” Kuroo grinned, “any plans?”

“Nope,” Sugawara popped the word, “but I’ll think of something. Look at me! I’ve done more dodgy shit than she could ever aspire to do. Like hell she’s gonna stop me living my life, I’ll shine like a diamond and tell her to have a nice fucking day.”

 

* * *

 

Daichi jolted awake at Oikawa’s gentle prodding, heart racing as his mind fought to catch up with the burning scars on his mind.

“Sawa-chan?”

He exhaled, just a dream.

Just a dream…

But it wasn’t; it was a part of him.

It had been his life; a nightmare.

“I’m okay,” he groggily declared, rubbing his face with his hands, “I’m okay.”

“I didn’t ask you if you were okay,” Oikawa reminded, “I woke you up because you were getting restless.”

“Yeah…” Daichi leant over himself as best he could in the confines of the aeroplane row; body aching from taut muscles, pulled tight with tension and stress. “Nightmare.”

Oikawa’s expression was apologetic, understanding, and sympathetic, “Megumi?”

“Yeah…” Daichi exhaled.

“Need to talk about it?” Oikawa asked, fingers weaving into his hand and squeezing softly.

“Nah…it’s nothing you haven’t already heard before…”

Oikawa looked at Daichi and squeezed his hand again. “So? If you need to talk about it you can tell me as many times as you have to.”

“Thanks, Oikawa.” Daichi sighed, running his fingers along his thigh. “Just the scars are hurting with the cold.” His hand clenched over his thigh.

Oikawa looked at where Daichi’s hand was resting, “reliving it, then?”

Daichi nodded, remembering all too well the _accidental_ spillages of scalding tea, how tanned skin was now marred in purple splotches almost impossible to see unless you were looking for them…he was always looking for them.

He’d been changed beyond recognition in the mirror.

Constantly babbling, asking his reflection: _who are you?_

“Sawa-chan,” Oikawa began, “you’re free now.”

“I know…but I also can’t help but worry.”

“About?”

“Suga, what if Megumi is causing trouble? What if she has him in her sights?” He grew quiet, admitting with a hushed voice, “I had a nightmare where she went after him.”

Oikawa pursed his lips to refrain from laughter, “this is Suga-chan we’re talking about, if she went after him you can guarantee he’d have her running in the other direction within minutes.”

This earned a small smile from Daichi, “but what if she hurts him?”

“She won’t,” Oikawa changed the subject, “don’t forget, we have three days left of our trip and then we’re going home, you’ll be able to see Suga-chan and see he’s okay.”

“Yeah…I guess you’re right.” Daichi huffed, looking out the window to see the city below them, they’d be landing in their final destination in less than an hour. “Thanks, Oikawa.”

“Anytime, Sawa-chan!” Oikawa grinned.

Daichi settled back into his seat, trying to push the nightmare to the back of his mind, ignore his stinging skin and racing heart. He rested his head on the back of the plane seat, exhaling and closing his eyes.

He opened them again at the sound of footsteps down their aisle, assuming it was an attendant he looked to the aisle. His blood froze in his veins and his heart leapt into his throat.

No.

Nononono.

It couldn’t be her.

“Sawa-chan?”

He looked to Oikawa, back to the passenger taking her seat in front of them.

She looked nothing like Megumi…

Why did he see Megumi?

“Sawa-chan, what’s wrong?”

“N—Nothing.” How could he tell him he’d seen someone who wasn’t there?

Oikawa’s expression told him he didn’t believe him.

“I thought I saw Megumi.”

Oikawa looked around, “where?”

“She’s not really here…it was just someone who looked like her.”

“Sawa-chan…” Oikawa sighed softly, “she’s not here, don’t worry.”

“I know…”

“You’re doing just fine.”

“I know…”

Daichi turned to look out of the window, watching the world below and wondering just what Sugawara would be doing at that time.

 

* * *

 

Sugawara was running.

He leapt down the steps he’d pushed Yamato down months earlier, hearing the _thud_ of his pursuer’s shoes on the pavement.

“Shit…” He ran towards the traffic lights, pressing the button for the lights but not stopping, glancing both ways before sprinting across and around the traffic light post, crossing the second half with reckless abandon.

He was so tired, why the hell was he being chased?

What did he do this time?

It was probably payback for the other day.

He looked behind him, seeing Yamato and Megumi hot on his heels, “shit!” He cursed, running as fast as he could with strides as long as he could manage.

Over the safety barrier, down onto the granite steps that lead to the shopping precinct. Yamato was closing in fast.

This late at night the streets were devoid of people, shops closed or minutes away from closing, but one shop caught his eye. More specifically the plastic advertising board outside the store.

He sprinted in that direction, lungs burning as he felt a hand pull on his trailing coat. He gripped the plastic sign board and swung it round, hitting Yamato on his torso with a not nearly satisfying enough _crack_.

“Sonovabitch.” Yamato growled ferally, backing Sugawara against the store front with just the now broken plastic board between them.

Sugawara exhaled, feeling the cold glass behind him.

“Hey!” He heard. “Break it up or I’ll call the police!”

They both paused, looking to Sugawara’s left and seeing the young woman with long black hair, dip dyed pink at the tips standing in the doorway of the store.

Rin?

“Rin?” A breathless female voice gasped.

Rin turned to face her elder sister, “long time no see, Megu~”

“What—What are you doing back in the city?”

“I finished my degree, Megu, and now I’m back to make your life a _misery_.”

Sugawara watched the two begin to bicker, Megumi immediately exercising her obvious control on the younger sibling, silver words tainted black with mistrust and ill-deeds.

“Those old tricks won’t work on me anymore, Megu.”

Sugawara sucked in a breath.

He’d been certain she’d fall to Megumi’s goading, much like he had.

“I see.” Megumi seemed disgruntled, “so it doesn’t matter that I’m your big sister?”

 _“Step-_ sister, Megu, don’t get things muddled in your old age.” Rin cracked her knuckles under Megumi’s scrutinous stare; a nervous fidget?

“Oh, I’m not confused, Rin.” Megumi snarled, “I should’ve known you’d come back to town as soon as I let Daichi go, always picking up my scraps…although waiting seven years? _Sad.”_

Sugawara bristled at that, _what?_

Had he been right all along about Rin’s intentions?

“Oh wow, a crush from when I was fourteen years old is your only weapon? _Sad.”_ Rin sneered. What startled, Sugawara was how her expression looked nothing like Megumi’s. “Meanwhile, I have plenty against you, tell me how is that yeast—” Rin stopped herself, “no,” she shook her head, “I’m not you.” She recomposed herself. “I’m not you. Leave before I call the cops.”

To Sugawara’s surprise Megumi and Yamato began to retreat.

“Snitch…”

“Bitch!” Rin stomped her foot on the ground once and watched them leave before turning to Sugawara. “You okay?”

“Y—Yeah…” He exhaled, putting the plastic board down against the shop front, “sorry about your board.”

“It’s fine, I hated it anyway.” Rin laughed, picking the board up and taking it into the store.

“Really?” Sugawara asked, following her into the shop.

“Oh yeah, totally hated it.”

Rin began shutting off the lights in the shop and Sugawara allowed his eyes to wander, looking at the glasswork in the window. “These ornaments are amazing…” He commented, coming across one he knew all too well. “Daichi got my present from here?”

She turned to look at Sugawara, “you’re _that_ Suga?”

“Well, I don’t know what other Suga I’d be.”

Rin laughed, “listen, about what Megumi said, I don’t want you to think of me as competition. I was fourteen when I first met Daichi; I had a stupid kiddie crush on him for, like, a few months.”

Sugawara had no idea how to respond, biting his lip and looking away, “it’s fine, not like I care anyways.” He stroked the neck of large glass swan.

“I don’t believe you for one second.” Rin confronted. “But I’m over him, I have been for years. I actually like someone else.”

“Oh yeah?”

Rin tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, “yeah…but he probably hates me.”

Sugawara looked at the young woman, insecure as she moved to lock the store front door. He remembered feeling the way she did now and he bit his lip. “Listen, I’m going back to Daichi’s apartment, Yui and Iwaizumi will be there; you’re welcome to join us.”

“Are you sure?” Sugawara could see the way her eyes lit up at the invitation.

“Why would I offer if I didn’t mean it?”

She shrugged, looking down, “Megumi used to.”

“I’m not Megumi.” Sugawara corrected, taking her hand in his and leading her away from the precinct.

They walked together, Sugawara never letting go of her hand, he looked at the bars and restaurants as they walked towards Daichi’s apartment complex, “hey, how old are you?”

“Huh? Twenty-one, why?”

“Wanna go for a drink? Just one or two, you can tell me more about this mystery man of yours, get to know each other a little more.”

“Sure, that sounds like fun.” Rin smiled widely.

“Awesome, my regular haunt is this way.” Sugawara let go of her hand, still leading her down a quiet alley. “I met Daichi here.”

“Oh?”

“I glassed him then made out with him.”

“Holy shit.” Rin cackled.

The deep thrumming bass could be felt through the concrete paving slabs halfway down the street, vibrations carrying into the soles of Sugawara's feet as he walked towards the bar. His hands dug further into his pockets as his pace picked up, a spring to his step and a flutter to his heart as the excitement grew.

He waved to the bouncer, strolling right past, grinning as they headed down a flight of stairs and into the basement club.

“Whoa, this place is awesome.” Rin gasped, looking around at the old brick walls awash with up-lights of pink and blue.

“It’s great, isn’t it?” Sugawara turned to face her with a grin, “what drink would you like?”

“Irish Trash Can—here, let me pay.”

“No way, Jose, I got this.” Sugawara turned to the bartender, “two Irish Trash Cans, please!” He slapped the money down onto the counter.

“Jeez, so dramatic.” Rin giggled, standing beside him.

Sugawara turned and pulled tongues, waiting for the bartender to prepare their drinks.

Once the drinks were ready Sugawara and Rin went to find a table they could sit at, finding one near the dance floor. There was only one seat, a bar stool, and Sugawara offered it to Rin, his back to the dance floor as he stood at the elevated table.

“So, tell me more about this guy,” Sugawara inquired.

“I met him at university, he was in my glass blowing class. We also had an art class together and I drew him almost naked...and vice versa.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, and we, uh, had a fling,” Rin sighed, hitting her head against the table, “but I caught feelings.”

“Ahh, yes, _feelings.”_

Sugawara watched Rin drink half of her Irish Trash Can in one go, “and I hate myself for it.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to date a guy I told I didn’t have feelings for. Multiple times. I rejected him so many times, _oh my God_...” She held her head in her hands, ducking her head before peeking through her fingers “what do I do? I’m _terrified_ of commitment.”

“Listen, I—” Sugawara felt a sudden unease at how Rin’s gunmetal blue eyes were glued behind him. “Rin?”

“Suga, they’re here.”

Sugawara turned around, “who?”

“Megu—”

Rin paused and looked confused, holding her head in her hands, “ignore me, I’m tired and probably just seeing things.”

Sugawara remembered days prior to his own experience with Megumi’s mind games and paranoia, “I feel that.”

“You too?”

“You have no idea.” He sunk against the table, taking a sip of his drink.

Rin closed her eyes, sighing, “she’s disgusting.”

Sugawara just nodded, looking at the other with heavy eyelids.

He was so tired.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, a shove, he looked at Rin with furrowed brows. Her eyes were wide, shocked, and then he felt something cold trickling down his spine.

He could feel the sodden fabric of his work shirt press against his back, rivulets of _something_ cascading along his skin.

Sugawara turned quickly on his heel, not expecting, yet not surprised, to find himself face to face with Yamato, an empty glass in his hand.

“Get ready to pay!” He sneered. Yamato’s hand reared back.

“Suga!”

Surprising even himself, Sugawara gripped Yamato’s wrist mid-swing with his left hand, stopping the oncoming attack. Instinctively he grappled for his own drink, bringing the Irish Trash Can down on Yamato’s head with a frightful smash.

The club stopped dead at the sound, a circle of patrons around them.

He towered over Yamato, the latter clutching at his bleeding face.

“Prepare to pay!” Sugawara screamed, shoving him to the ground and reaching into his pocket.

Thank God he’d bought a new one.

_Click. Clink._

The silver zippo glinted in the strobe lights.

_Click. Clink._

“You wouldn’t.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Sugawara opened the flip-lid again, then closed it. “I told Daichi you never know when you’re going to need a lighter, and you’re covered in a plethora of hard liquor.” He leant down to Yamato’s level.

“So are you!”

The fear was palpable, Sugawara could almost taste it.

“So?” He laughed.

“You’re crazy!”

“Crazy?” Sugawara repeated, “ _puh-lease_ , give me some credit.” He stood to his full height again. “I know exactly what I’m doing.”

_Click. Click. Fwoosh._

He held the naked flame at arm’s length, away from his sodden shoulders and back.

This was it.

All he had to do was drop it.

Drop the lighter.

Another notch on the belt of crazy shit he’d done.

“Suga, stop!” Rin grasped the lighter from his hand, ripping it from his grip and closing the lid with a soft _clink_.

Suddenly, his vision was clear, no longer clouded by the red mist of anger. What the fuck was he doing?

He looked down at Yamato.

At Megumi as she fought her way through the crowd, genuine fear in her eyes as he towered over her boyfriend.

At Rin, the tremble to her features as she held him back.

What the fuck was he doing?

“Let’s go, Rin.” He said, motioning for the young woman to follow him as they retreated from the bar.

Sugawara walked away in what he could only describe as panic at his own actions.

Nearly setting someone on fire?

That wasn’t just another notch on his belt of crazy shit, that was homicide.

He took a shaky breath, he was in way over his head.

 

* * *

 

Laughter was loud in Daichi’s apartment as Rin told them all stories of a younger Daichi.

“Get this, Megu once thought he’d been cheating, right?” Rin snickered into her hand, “because she found a bikini with light pubes in. It was Oikawa’s.”

Sugawara cackled loudly, looking at Iwaizumi as he fared no better.

“Why did Oikawa have a bikini?”

“He’d lost a bet.”

Sugawara had never heard Iwaizumi laugh so loud.

Being with Rin had been fun, the night full of stories of Daichi through Rin’s eyes, his university years with Matsukawa, Hanamaki, Oikawa, Megumi, Bokuto, and Tendou.

There’d been so much more dressing in women’s clothes than Sugawara could’ve ever imagined.

“So, Rin, how are your dads?” Yui asked.

Wait, had Sugawara heard that right?

_Dads?_

“They’re great thanks!” Rin grinned, “papa just got a promotion,” she flipped her hair behind her shoulder, “and dad has started volunteering at the hospital.”

“You have two dads?” Sugawara found himself asking, crossing his legs underneath his body.

“Yeah, Megu’s dad and my dad, I have my mum too, she’s abroad though.”

“Wait, so how are you and Megumi related?”

Rin carded her fingers through her hair and sighed, bringing the ebony and cerise strands forward over her shoulder, “my papa is Megu’s biological dad, my dad is my biological dad, we both have different mums. My mum is still pretty close with them, she’s happy for them and stuff so I get two dads and a mum, but Megu’s mum wasn’t so nice about it, hence Megu’s behaviour.”

Sugawara sat in stunned silence, “so her dad left her mum for your dad?”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe that’s why she’s so against you and Daichi.” Iwaizumi hypothesised.

“Could be.”

Suddenly, Rin perked up again, “oh! I never told you guys about Daichi and the tractor incident, did I?”

“Tractor incident?” Sugawara repeated.

“OhmyGod, he fucking—” Rin broke off with a smirk and a scoff, burying her face in her hands and her hair pooled around her face, “sent the tractor into a pond.”

The three also burst into laughter, Sugawara startling the kitten in his lap and the crow on his shoulder.

 _“Why_ was he in a tractor?”

“Papa owns a farmhouse just outside the city; the first time Megu brought him home he offered to help move some timber. But he put the tractor into reverse and went into the pond.”

“Oh my God, what a dork.” Sugawara laughed to the ceiling.

 

* * *

 

It was dark as Sugawara left the museum, he checked the time and marvelled at how he was actually leaving early for a change. He debated what to have to eat on his way home, deciding on a takeout from his favourite restaurant.

He cut through the park outside the museum, feeling on edge as he walked through the secluded area, he shuddered and kept walking.

It felt as if shadows were moving.

He watched for any signs of Megumi or Yamato, maybe even both. The green space did seem to be their regular haunt, but Sugawara wouldn’t let them beat him.

So he still walked through the memorial garden regardless.

“Su~ga~wara.”

And so it began.

He stopped his walking, not turning to greet the owner of the voice he’d grown to know so well while Daichi had been away, his legs immediately felt weak.

“Finally, we have time to ourselves.” Megumi cooed, the sound of her voice growing louder as she drew nearer. “I’ve waited _so long_ to get you alone, Yamato seems to think I need protecting from you.”

“Who knows, he might be right.” Sugawara looked over his shoulder at the woman, heart racing, fighting his anxiety.

Megumi snarled, “why did you have to come into his life and ruin _everything?_ All my plans are _wasted_ because of you!”

“You’re the one who keeps harassing me, Megumi! Not the other way around. I don’t want anything to do with you! Neither of us do!”

Sugawara turned to face her fully, backing away the closer she got, “is that all you can do? Run away?” She scoffed, smirking, “you’ve been doing it an awful lot lately.”

“I just don’t want to do anything illegal.”

Megumi’s laugh was filled with arrogance.

“If Daichi had just _behaved,_ this wouldn’t be happening to you.” Megumi sneered, stomping forward with heavy steps until she was just metres away from Sugawara. “But he’s selfish, you’re selfish!”

“You’re delusional!” Sugawara accused, remembering what Rin had told him just days earlier; and what Iwaizumi said. “Or can’t you handle the fact every man in your life leaves you for another man?”

Megumi suddenly screamed in anger, closing the distance between them and Sugawara was forced to quicken his pace to keep a safe distance from her. He failed, the grassy verge under his feet stopping him from backing away any further.

Despite him being taller, he felt _so small_ and his knees trembled. The fight illuminated orange by the sodium street light above them, blue shadows dancing on the floor as they moved.

“You bastard!” She screamed, hazel eyes wide with rage as her hand reared back to hit Sugawara. “What the fuck does he even see in you?!”

Sugawara took the hit, taken by surprise he was left gasping for breath; hyperventilating.

“Hah, you’re _just_ like him.” She jeered.

She could’ve done this to Daichi.

She probably had done this to Daichi.

Over six years how many times had she been physical despite what Daichi had said over a month prior?

He furrowed his brow, the trembling in his body no longer just from fear, “leave us alone.” Anger swelled in his chest and he gripped her biceps and swung them around, he let go as soon as their positions were reversed. He inhaled through flared nostrils and shoved her hard enough to send her toppling. “I’m not Daichi.”

Megumi glared up at him from her position on the ground, “you—”

“I’m not as selfless as Daichi, I’m not as calm, either. I’m selfish, I’m possessive, what’s mine is _mine,_ and I only ever take. You’ve tried to drag both his names through the dirt, you’ve hurt him and spat on everything he loves. You’ve treated him with such _disrespect!”_ He spat with cyanide, looking down his nose at the woman. “I swear to God watch what happens if you do it again, Megumi, don’t mess with me, because _I’m not Daichi.”_

He felt anger, self-loathing, negative emotions he locked away deep down inside himself…if he was half the man Daichi was then he could die happy. But he wasn’t.

“I lie, I cheat, I steal, I _survive_. And Daichi might be this perfect gentleman who’d never raise his hand to a woman or child. But with me?” He snarled, baring his teeth. “You don’t have that luxury.” He exhaled all of his anger in his words.

For what felt like minutes there was stunned silence, Sugawara bit his lip and never broke eye contact with Megumi until she began to stand. “Leave.”

“You’ll pay for this.”

“So will you.”

“Yui’s baby, wait until you see it; then you’ll know the truth.” Megumi sneered, “I bet it’ll have dark brown hair.”

“Run along, bitch.” Sugawara waved her off, waiting until he could no longer see her before sinking onto the nearest wooden bench.

His whole body shook with fear and anger and he closed his eyes, taking steadying breaths.

The last statement to pass her lips left him feeling sick.

Dark brown hair?

But he’d seen Yui’s husband…neither of them had dark brown hair.

But Daichi did.

Fuck.

 

* * *

 

Daichi couldn’t believe it.

He hid from sight with his hand clasped over his mouth, listening to Sugawara and Megumi’s spat with wide eyes.

He’d heard enough to know things had been bad while he was away.

He should go there and stop this…

Suddenly Megumi rushed past him and he shifted further behind the memorial statue to remain out of her sight.

He’d only gotten back only an hour earlier; Iwaizumi had told him Sugawara was at work and he’d been on his way to meet him, what he didn’t expect was _that_.

He took a shaky breath.

Just watching them had him full of anxiety.

He peered around and saw Sugawara collapse onto the bench.

He wanted to run to him.

But if he did that then Sugawara would know he’d seen it all. He should wait a little bit.

He’d been surprised when he’d heard Sugawara had been staying in his apartment, but then he’d also grown concerned when the question of _why_ Sugawara was staying was raised.

Iwaizumi had looked uncomfortable with the question.

Now he knew why.

He had to get over there.

He emerged from his hiding place, running towards Sugawara, “Suga!”

The other man jumped at the sound of his voice and it hurt his heart.

“Daichi?” Sugawara looked up, breaking into a blinding grin as he stood. “Daichi!”

Daichi’s arms wrapped around Sugawara’s form and Sugawara returned the embrace wholeheartedly.

“OhmyGod you’re back!” His voice sounded teary.

“Yeah, I’m here…” Daichi didn’t let him go, burying his face into the crook of Sugawara’s neck and inhaling deeply. “I got back about an hour ago.”

He let Sugawara go, eyes landing on the black marring his face and his stomach dropped, hand unconsciously moving to stroke along his cheekbone.

“What happened?”

“Got into a fist fight with some dude, no biggie.” Sugawara was quick to dismiss.

“Suga…” Daichi warned.

“Okay…it was Yamato, I wrecked his car so we had a fight.”

“You…”

“Although he deserved it for trying to run me over twice.”

“Suga—”

“But get this! Heisuke said he wanted to hit me with his gay little vespa.”

Upon realising he wasn’t going to get a word in edgeways Daichi sighed and closed the gap between them, lips sliding against Sugawara’s.

It was short and sweet, but Sugawara was _right there_. After two weeks Daichi wanted to do much more.

But he was afraid.

He was scared for Sugawara too.

What did he endure over the last two weeks?

Fuck…he wanted to know.

“I…”

“Tomorrow,” he said, “tell me everything that happened tomorrow.”

It’d taken him months to articulate what had happened to him, he didn’t have that time to wait; he was too impatient. But Sugawara would tell him everything eventually.

“I’m okay…”

“I’m not asking if you’re okay, I want to know how you’ve been over the last two weeks. I’ll tell you about my ordeal too.”

Sugawara snorted. “Travelling with Oikawa that bad?”

Daichi gave a pointed look that left Sugawara snickering.

“Let me get a takeout then I’ll tell you everything.” Sugawara said with a smile.

“Okay.” Daichi agreed, “deal. My place?”

“Your place.”

Sugawara laced his fingers into Daichi’s and the pair began the walk to Sugawara’s favourite restaurant.

**Author's Note:**

> Come and talk to me on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/i-am-a-bit-of-a-crank)


End file.
